Schitt's Creek, Season 1

Lawyer:
There is a very small amount set aside for you, and one asset the government has allowed you to retain.

Moira:
The kids?

Lawyer:
The children are dependents, Moira. You bought a small town in 1991, Johnny.

Johnny:
Yes, I bought that as a joke for my son.

David:
Wait, you actually purchased that town?

Johnny:
Yes, I purchased the town, how else could I get the deed?

David:
You could've photo shopped the deed!

Alexis:
And saved the money!

Johnny:
Why would I Photoshop a deed? The joke was owning the town!

Moira:
Okay, stop.

Johnny:
That was the joke!

David:
Oh my God!

Johnny:
Well, that was the joke!

Lawyer:
To Johnny's credit this town just might be your saving grace, at least for a while.

Moira:
What do you mean?

Lawyer:
You can live there for next to nothing until you get back on your feet.

Moira:
I'm sure there's a penthouse we can move into. Please, there are other options.

Lawyer:
Well, homelessness is still on the table.

David:
Okay, where are we going?

Alexis:
[pause] Well [Stavros is] just coming for me, but then I figured that we would just come back and grab you guys at some point.

David:
What kind of sociopath abandons her family in some vomit soaked dump, to gallivant around the world with her dumb shipping heir loser boyfriend she's known for three months?!

Alexis:
Um, David, it will be four months next month.

David:
Oh my God!

Alexis:
And... he just told me that he could potentially see himself considering saying "I love you" at some point sometime soon, so...

David:
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm telling mom. I'm telling mom and dad, have you told them?

Alexis:
No! No David, I'm waiting for the right opportunity, okay? Otherwise dad's gonna cry, and mom's gonna do that thing where she pretends that nothing's wrong and then just doesn't talk to me for five months, and I don't want that.

Roland:
So Johnny Rose wants the ol' Johnny Hancock, huh? Well shouldn't be a problem, Johnny. I'm happy to sign off on the listing.

Johnny:
Well, thank you, very much, Roland, appreciate it.

Roland:
Sure. Why don't you come over tonight and pick it up?

Johnny:
Uh, no-- Mr. Mayor, I-- No, Roland, a signature. That's all I need.

Roland:
Johnny look, here is what you're gonna do: you're gonna grab the kids, you're gonna grab Moira, you're gonna come over we're gonna sit down like civilized people, have a few laughs, and then at the end of the evening we'll get to the big signing, okay?

Johnny:
Right. Okay-- honestly Roland, it's just a-- it's just a signature. A flick of the wrist. That's it.

Roland:
You're not rejecting my hospitality, are you, Johnny? Because that really wouldn't be a good way to start things off, I don't think.

Johnny:
No! No. I'd love to come to dinner are you kidding me? No. I just thought, let's do business first, get the signature, and then dinner.

Roland:
Johnny, you want that. To get that you need this. So let's just do this my way.

Johnny:
Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah. Dinner it is.

Roland:
Dinner it is. Attaboy!

Moira:
So Jocelyn, you were saying that you teach high school? Or you want to finish high school? I'm not sure, I couldn't hear over your husband's chewing.

Roland:
Oh, there it is! There it is! The Vivien Blake bitch face!

Moira:
Excuse me?

Roland:
I didn't want to say anything, but you were my favourite character on "Sunrise Bay".

Moira:
[flatly] Thanks.

Jocelyn:
It's true. He lived for "Sunrise Bay". I could be doing cartwheels in a thong in front of that television, which I have done, but if your show was on I was as good as wall paper.

Roland:
Hey, how many people did you slap on that show?

Moira:
I don't care.

Moira:
Alexis! [...] I need to speak with our daughter.

Johnny:
Good luck.

Moira:
[loudly] Oh my God, where did you hear that?

(rapid footsteps)

Alexis:
What is it?

Alexis:
I don't get it, [the paperwork is] all done.

Moira:
No, there's still a little bit that needs to be filled in.

Alexis:
All that's missing is my middle name.

Moira:
Then fill it in, please.

Alexis:
Do I have to do that?

Moira:
[scoffs] Why must you be so constantly irksome?

(pregnant pause)

Alexis:
Do you not know my middle name?

Moira:
[incredulous] Of course I do! I blessed you with it!

Alexis:
Okay, so um... then what name should I put down then?

Johnny:
Alexis. Do as your mother says, please.

Alexis:
Do you know my middle name?

(pregnant pause)

Johnny:
If I said... Anna?

Alexis:
I can't believe this!

Moira:
Alexis... Something Rose.

Alexis:
Um, why don't you guys stay at the cabin for longer?

Moira:
Oh, I would never just abandon you two in a motel in the middle of nowhere.

David:
Didn't you once take the wrong baby home from preschool?

Moira:
Alexis looked Chinese as an infant! How many times must I defend myself?!

Johnny:
How did you open the door?

Moira:
I threw a shoe. This wine is aw-ful! Get me another glass.

Johnny:
Well, I think maybe we've had enough wine, sweetheart.

Moira:
I can't feel my tongue. But I know it's there, because I'm talking.

Johnny:
Moira, you should hear what they're saying about you out there. You are doing great!

Moira:
No. No, John, I ruined it. I ruined everything.

Johnny:
No! No, you didn't!

Moira:
I did!

Johnny:
No, sweetheart, I ruined everything. I ruined it.

Moira:
You did? Why did you ruin everything?

Johnny:
Okay. Well, let's not focus on me right now.

Moira:
In the lea of a picture-esque ridge lies a small, unpretentious winery. One that pampers its fruit like its own babies. Hi! I'm Moira Rose, and if you love fruit wine as much as I do, then you'll appreciate the craftsmanship and quality of a local vintner. Who brings the musk melon goodness to his oak Chardonnay, and the dazzling peach [slurring] cral...bapple to his Riesling Rioja. Come taste the difference good fruit can make in your wine. You'll remember the experience, and you'll remember the name: Herb Ervling...ger. Burt Herngeif. Irv Herm-blinger. Bing. Livehaanger. Liveling. Burt Herkurn. Burn... Bingo Ling-- fucker!

Johnny:
Bob... in case I wanna mention this in my remarks, how did Carl go?

Bob:
Well, it was a bit of a freak accident, really. Apparently, he was trying to unhook his belt from the ceiling fan and... apparently it got knotted around his neck.

Johnny:
What?

Bob:
Yeah, you know, you'd think the whole thing would've come down, you know? Try keeping a fan and a body spinning up there for two days. But uh... Carl found the studs on that one.

Johnny:
[horrified] Oh... yeah...

Bob:
That's craftsmanship.