Schitt's Creek, Season 2

Moira:
Don't worry, he's fine. It's not the first time David's run away. Remember all those troubled years in high school when he'd charter the jet without permission?

Johnny:
Yes, but he has no money.

Moira:
Oh, he does now. If there's one thing David knows it's the street value of a woman's bag.

Johnny:
Okay, you know what, can we stop talking about that bag for five minutes? The bag, the bag, and the bag!

Moira:
John, it's an heirloom, my great grandmother took it from her husband when she left him, and it has been passed down through all the women in my family, as emergency currency in case we need to leave our husbands in the middle of the night.

Johnny:
Well that's reassuring.

Moira:
You don't have to worry darling, I'll never need it. But you know Alexis will!

Johnny:
Yeah, more than once, probably.

Alexis:
Oh my God, ever since David left you two have been so dramatic. Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen's yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!

Moira:
I had just had my eyelashes dyed! Everything was cloudy!

Moira:
What you did was impulsive, capricious, and melodramatic. But it was also wrong.

Johnny:
David can cook.

David:
I can't cook.

Johnny:
You got that Teppanyaki table for your bar mitzvah.

David:
That was thrown out after Alexis left her extensions on it and everything smelled like burnt hair.

Alexis:
I thought it was an actual table, David.

David:
There was a plug coming out of the side of it!

Moira:
Next step is to fold in the cheese.

David:
...What does that mean? What does "fold in the cheese" mean?

Moira:
You fold it in.

David:
I understand that. But how? How do you fold it? Do you fold it in half like a piece of paper and drop it in the pot? Or what do you do?

Moira:
David, I can not show you everything.

David:
Okay, well can you show me one thing?

Moira:
You just-- here's what you do: You just fold it in.

David:
Okay, I don't know how to fold broken cheese like that!

Moira:
Then I don't know how to be any clearer! You take that thing that's in your hand--

David:
Uh huh?

Moira:
And you--

David:
If you say "fold in" one more time...

Moira:
[yelling] It says "fold it in"!

David:
[removing apron] This is your recipe! You fold in the cheese, then!

Moira:
Don't you dare!

David:
You fold it in!

Moira:
David! Oh good, now I see bubbles! David! What does burning smell like?!

(Moira walks through Jocelyn's front door)

Moira:
I can't come in, but I have some good news.

Jocelyn:
That's great.

(pregnant pause)

Jocelyn:
...What's your news?

Johnny:
David, if you're going out again can you pick up some new toilet paper? I cannot use the stuff the motel provides, okay? It's like a birthday streamer. You-- you-- it stretches, and then-- then-- and then you pull it, and it just snaps, okay? That whole thing just fell off the roller!

David:
Wow, um. Dad, you remember Stevie?

(pregnant pause as Johnny turns and sees her behind the door)

Johnny:
Yes, yes, I remember Stevie. I know Stevie. I knew Stevie was here. That's why I came in with something funny.

David:
Hmm. Oh yeah, sure.

Johnny:
What is that? Is that a new lamp?

David:
Yeah, I'm thinking of bringing home-ware into the store, so that's a write off.

Johnny:
That's a write off? Do you even know what a write off is?

David:
Uh yeah, it's when you buy something for your business and the government pays you back for it.

Johnny:
Oh, and who pays for it?

David:
Nobody, you write it off.

Johnny:
Who writes it off?!

David:
I don't know, the govern-- the "write off" people! Why are we having this conversation?

Stevie:
So if I need booze to get through my day, I can just write that off?

David:
That's a stretch.

Stevie:
But the skin care products you got this morning, those are a write off?

Johnny:
What skin care products? You purchased skin care products?!

David:
Okay, okay. I am the face of the company. If I have acne, what does that say about the legitimacy of the store?

Johnny:
[gesturing] That's not a write off! That's not a write off! This?! Not a write off!

David:
Oh, well, the bedding's non refundable, so...

Johnny:
David, a write off... is a business expense used to reduce your taxable income!

David:
Okay, well then why isn't it called a "tax write off?"

Johnny:
[yelling] It is!