Scorpion, Season 3

Happy Quinn:
Last time you did this?

Cabe Gallo:
Thirty years ago.

Happy Quinn:
Wow, I'm not even thirty.

Paige Dineen:
What are you doing anyway?

Walter O'Brien:
Just a project that will make humanity eternally grateful. Fixing the hot dog.

Paige Dineen:
You just stamped these satisfactory, you didn't even fill out the comments section.

Walter O'Brien:
Yes I did. I wrote "no comment."

Paige Dineen:
The team could use some positive feedback.

Walter O'Brien:
Every Friday they get a paycheck. That is their positive feedback.

Toby Curtis:
So you did kiss!

Walter O'Brien:
It's not like we enjoyed it.

Happy Quinn:
It was gross!

Walter O'Brien:
Come on.

Toby Curtis:
So speeding things up was an option, but you didn't consider it because it could affect you negatively. What about me? Or Happy? Or Tobias Merriweather Curtis Jr.?

Cabe Gallo:
Merriweather?

Toby Curtis:
It's a family name.

Museum Director:
Scorpion's the only group that will work without insurance coverage.

Paige Dineen:
I've been trying to get them to buy insurance for two years.

Walter O'Brien:
Humans need insurance coverage. We're Scorpion; we don't make mistakes.

Toby Curtis:
Genius is hereditary, it's not guaranteed. We could have a Normal. I do not relate well to Normals. Happy neither.

Paige Dineen:
Well, if I can raise a genius child, you can raise a Normal. Trust me, raising a genius child isn't easy; I have five of them.

Walter O'Brien:
Look for the light at the end of the tunnel!

Cabe Gallo:
Doesn't even know he made a joke.

Walter O'Brien:
It's a divorce gift, for your baby.

Happy Quinn:
It's hideous. And heavy.

Walter O'Brien:
It's protective! Did you know that on aircraft you're exposed to as much radiation as a chest x-ray?

Happy Quinn:
I'm a genius, I know most things.

Walter O'Brien:
Well, what if you're on a plane with Tobias Merriweather Curtis Jr.?

Happy Quinn:
Merriweather?

Toby Curtis:
Yeah, I need to tell you something about my middle name. It's Merriweather.

Happy Quinn:
You said it was Marcus!

Toby Curtis:
You're letting the weight of your emotional baggage crash your Paige plane. You see, you control how you react to this unforeseen development.

Paige Dineen:
Toby, I swear I will stuff my foot in your business like you're a Thanksgiving turkey!

Toby Curtis:
And our session is complete.

Paige Dineen:
What was your hourly private practice rate?

Toby Curtis:
It was $400/hour. Problem was racetrack made $500.

Paige Dineen:
Well here's twenty bucks, you're retained. Patient confidentiality, you cannot tell anyone on the team.

Toby Curtis:
Legally I can't, but I wouldn't anyway if you had just asked. That being said, I'm keeping the twenty.

...

Paige Dineen:
I mean, you have no idea how manipulative she is. One conversation and she has you doubting yourself.

Toby Curtis:
This is not worth twenty dollars.

Happy Quinn:
That's not a lot of time.

Walter O'Brien:
Well, there's never enough time.

Veronica Dineen:
Speaking of kids, how's my grandson?

Toby Curtis/Paige Dineen:
He's delightful. / None of your business!

Toby Curtis:
I mean none of your business.

Happy Quinn:
There's a GPS killswitch on the engine....I'll try and override it.

Paige Dineen:
When you rented this truck, what did you do?

Veronica Dineen:
I said I had a rented truck. I never said I rented a truck. Someone with a credit card ending in 3939 rented it, technically.

Paige Dineen:
Great the credit card company picked up the fraud and the rental place used the GPS to shut down the truck. Thanks, Mom! If millions of people die, it'll be your fault!

Veronica Dineen:
How could I know about GPS switches? I've been in prison for six years!

Cabe Gallo:
Prison?

Walter O'Brien:
Prison?

Sylvester Dodd:
Prison?

Ralph Dineen:
Grandma's a jailbird.

Toby Curtis:
That's your gated community in Arizona?!

Cabe Gallo:
On behalf of the United States Government, I am hereby commandeering this Super Fun Guy balloon.

Ralph Dineen:
I like packing. It's like Tetris.

Toby Curtis:
Let me guess, Tetris comparison was your idea?

Paige Dineen:
Handling geniuses is literally my job description.

Walter O'Brien:
Did someone mention Tetris? You know, the geometrical construct of that game has applications in computational complexity theory.

Paige Dineen:
Interesting. Why don't you take your bag and go play it with Ralph?

Walter O'Brien:
Excellent idea!

Toby Curtis:
You're good at your job.

Tim Armstrong:
I'm a pissed off ex-Navy Seal and even I'm scared of her.

Happy Quinn:
She was begging you to take her to that Italian joint!

Cabe Gallo:
No, I'm pretty sure that was just a conversation between two adults.

Paige Dineen:
Alright adults, let's hit it. Cabe, she wanted you to ask her out. You suck at girls.

Happy Quinn:
What's up?

Toby Curtis:
Turbine's hot. So are you by the way. Love that rubber boots/mechanic outfit combo.

Happy Quinn:
Let me guess, save it for the honeymoon.

Toby Curtis:
If you could.

Walter O'Brien:
In the wake of Tim's recent departure, it was made clear to me that my decision-making could be a bit--

Happy Quinn:
Tyrannical.

Walter O'Brien:
I was going to say unilateral. But your input is heard, and appreciated.

Toby Curtis:
Overcompensation by way of agreeability and inclusion. Got it.

Walter O'Brien:
Wrong! But appreciated. Anyway, we're a team, everyone's feelings should be heard, not just mine.

Cabe Gallo:
Anyone who graduated middle school knows the conch method. It's from Lord of the Flies.

Toby Curtis:
You know this'll flame out when you eventually snap like a rubber band. Being genial isn't your nature.

Walter O'Brien:
Wrong! But appreciated.

Happy Quinn:
Paige gave you some tools to be a quasi-human. You just gotta use 'em.

Veronica Dineen:
What the hell happened here?

Paige Dineen:
I left Walter in charge.

Paige Dineen:
Guys? I'm gonna need help opening an offshore account.

Paige Dineen:
What is this?....We're doing the Department of Energy server upgrade today.

Walter O'Brien:
Nope. That job has been postponed indefinitely.

Paige Dineen:
What? I spent weeks landing that contract.

Cabe Gallo:
And Walt spent minutes dismantling it.

Paige Dineen:
Explanation. Now.

Walter O'Brien:
Well, it's quite simple, really. Our point person at the DOE kept saying he was going to pay us a hundred and nine thousand dollars.

Paige Dineen:
Yes, that's what we agreed to. One hundred nine thousand.

Walter O'Brien:
No-o-o that's not what he said.

Happy Quinn:
Here we go.

Walter O'Brien:
He said a hundred AND nine thousand dollars. That's a hundred dollar bill, and nine thousand dollars. That's substantially less than our fee.

Paige Dineen:
For the love of God, Walter, it's an expression.

Walter O'Brien:
"Make haste not waste" is an expression. "A penny for your thoughts" is an expression.

Paige Dineen:
"Not playing with a full deck" is an expression!

Walter O'Brien:
Exactly, but what the DOE rep said was mathematically inaccurate. And I told him. Repeatedly. People don't wanna better themselves?

Paige Dineen:
The irony of that question is completely lost on you, isn't it?

Paige Dineen:
That's your plan?! You want me to punch a shark in the nose?!

Sylvester Dodd:
Hey Ralph, can you help me out with this motor?

Ralph Dineen:
I wouldn't be of much service. I'm a bit distracted today.

Toby Curtis:
What's wrong, buddy?

Ralph Dineen:
Something at school.

Walter O'Brien:
Is it physics? Calculus? We can help.

Ralph Dineen:
Two girls asked me to the Valentine's Dance.

Sylvester Dodd:
We can't help.

Ralph Dineen:
I don't know who to pick. I don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings.

...

Walter O'Brien:
That's an easy solve. Take them both, alternate dancing with them every other song. Efficient.

Ralph Dineen:
I don't think they'll like that very much.

Sylvester Dodd:
Ralph, don't stress. The probability of either of these girls being the one is very low. Only 2 percent of childhood sweethearts wind up together.

Paige Dineen:
Sweethearts? What are you guys chatting about?

Ralph Dineen:
Nothing. Sociology. Ride's here, gotta go.

Paige Dineen:
Bye... What just happened here?

Walter O'Brien:
Here? Nothing.

Paige Dineen:
Does Ralph have a sweetheart?

Toby Curtis:
Sorry, can't answer. Bro code.

Sylvester Dodd:
Yeah. Bro code. [Paige twists his ear] Ahh! Ralph got asked to the Valentine's Dance by two different girls and he doesn't know what to do!

Paige Dineen:
Why wouldn't he come to me with this problem?

Toby Curtis:
Yeah, boys love to go to their moms with girl problems.

Walter O'Brien:
He trusts us to give sound advice.

Paige Dineen:
About girls?! What's next, you guys gonna teach him how to play football?!

...

Walter O'Brien:
That football comment, that was sarcasm right?

Toby Curtis:
No, she really thinks you should teach Ralph how to tackle.

Walter O'Brien:
I think that was more sarcasm.

Cabe Gallo:
OK, one of you get online and win your way into that tournament. [no one moves] What's the hold up?

Walter O'Brien:
We don't play chess.

Toby Curtis:
Not anymore.

Cabe Gallo:
Why the hell not?!

Paige Dineen:
Why are we looking at a coat hook?

Toby Curtis:
That is not a coat hook; that is a coat rook. Wound up in this wall five years ago.

Walter O'Brien:
After a week-long chess tournament.

Sylvester Dodd:
A tournament that went horribly wrong.

Paige Dineen:
You threw a rook in the wall?

Walter O'Brien:
Wasn't me.

Toby Curtis:
Nope.

Sylvester Dodd:
It was a three-way tie for points! I was about to engage a masterful attack: the bishop's gambit. But then Walter sneezed on my knight.

Walter O'Brien:
It was an accident.

Sylvester Dodd:
J'accuse! My knight was covered in your mucus. The one piece I needed just happened to be the one you doused with your filth.

Walter O'Brien:
One, I do not have the ability to aim my mucus. Two, you could have cleaned it off.

Sylvester Dodd:
Not without touching it! I played half the game with a dead pony!

Toby Curtis:
At checkmate, Sly whipped this rook at Walt's head.

Cabe Gallo:
Not a half-bad arm.

Sylvester Dodd:
It was unbecoming.

Walter O'Brien:
So we vowed never to play the game again for the sake of the team, and our friendship.

Toby Curtis:
Chess is a gateway game. Start with the pawns, wind up at the poker table. And Happy doesn't play, there's no building involved.

Sylvester Dodd:
I'm a wildcard!

Walter O'Brien:
So am I. And I had enough time to make this. [shows Sylvester a gif of Walter dancing across the computer screen, saying "I got in first"]

Walter O'Brien:
I hope your hands don't freeze in the cold, it might affect your game.

Sylvester Dodd:
I could beat you with my feet.

Sylvester Dodd:
Now I'm stumped. I got three ways I could beat you, and I don't know which one to choose. I know, I'll use the pawn; they never get to be the hero.

Sylvester Dodd:
We checkmated ourselves.

Walter O'Brien:
Did you ever think I'd be giving emotional advice to a genius?

Toby Curtis:
It's the blind leading the blind.

Ralph Dineen:
Mom, I really need your help with the dance....It seems at these things they use the word as a verb as well as a noun. And I don't know how to do the verb.

Walter O'Brien:
Did you see what I just did? I asked Paige if she was OK and even though she told me an obvious lie, I let her be. She clearly doesn't want to get into it. I'm making progress. Good for me!

Happy Quinn:
I'm going to Lancaster....I fell asleep waiting for a response from an internet chat mechanic. She said she would send me something over, but when I woke up, she still hadn't responded. Doesn't make any sense. She's more detail-oriented than you and I put together.

Walter O'Brien:
Doubtful. If that were the case she would've sent you the specs.

Happy Quinn:
She is and she hasn't. Something's up.

...

Walter O'Brien:
Emotional concern for a fellow mechanic. Fascinating. You know, I think that we're both...evolving.

Happy Quinn:
Good for us.

Walter O'Brien:
You'd be very impressed with this newfound handle I have on my emotional state. Now, Paige and Tim are having issues--

Toby Curtis:
That's not a shock. A distance of 7600 miles ain't good for love.

Walter O'Brien:
Yes, as I was saying, she's hurting, so she needed space and I gave it to her. I'm making progress. Good for me!

Toby Curtis:
Where's Happy? We have wedding cake to taste, a wedding band to hear, and she still hasn't given me a guest list, despite me being very annoying about it.

Walter O'Brien:
Oh, she went to Lancaster to find her gearhead friend.

Toby Curtis:
To track down a nutbar who knows his way around power tools?! Did you ever think of convincing her not to go?!

Walter O'Brien:
You need space. I'm gonna give it to you.

Ada Pearce:
What's your favorite color, Happy?

Happy Quinn:
Chrome.

Ada Pearce:
Good answer.

Toby Curtis:
You know why you're so worried? She's your friend, and you are pushing so hard and being a pill with all of us because you don't want to lose that friend.

Happy Quinn:
She's someone from a chatroom!

Toby Curtis:
I've been trying to figure out why it's taken so long to get that guest list from you for the wedding. It's 'cause you have no friends to invite outside of Scorpion.

Happy Quinn:
That's ridiculous.

Toby Curtis:
You have spent your whole life convinced you are incapable of friendships with humans. But you bonded with Ada. Whether you like it or not, you have a real, normal, non-Scorpion friend! And that friend has no immune system, a vat of honey for a home, and an oxygen tank with four minutes left on it. And you don't wanna lose her.

Walter O'Brien:
One cannot be a friend if one is not available to said friend.

Toby Curtis:
OK, that's it. Where do you learn this nonsense?

Walter O'Brien:
It's not nonsense. It's the 8 Smart Steps Certain to Make a Perfect Pal.

Toby Curtis:
Where'd you get that, some stupid magazine? Holy Cosmo! You're getting relationship advice from a supermarket checkout rag!

Walter O'Brien:
Keep it down. Paige and I have been getting on better since we decided to be caring friends to each other, but I was concerned that I would eventually do something to mess that up. So I did research to avoid that.

Toby Curtis:
The New England Journal of Medicine is research. You read a periodical with pictures of One Direction.

Paige Dineen:
Tim took the promotion because we both realized it wasn't gonna work out between us.

Walter O'Brien:
Oh. I'm sorry. I'll give you some space.

Paige Dineen:
Walter? I know what you're doing. Being a good listener, giving me space, being understanding--

Walter O'Brien:
Did you hear us both talking? Because just 'cause I got it from a ladies' magazine doesn't mean I'm not sincere.

Paige Dineen:
I--I didn't hear anything. But I appreciate you trying. And I do feel like you're being sincere.

Walter O'Brien:
Well, um, sincerely, I am sorry that you're sad about Tim.

Toby Curtis:
Spiked punch! Just like a real prom.

Cabe Gallo:
Like you'd know.

Paige Dineen:
Don't drink the punch, Ralph.

Toby Curtis:
This light is here for a reason, so insane people don't open the door while the turbine is on. So stand back while I open it.

Paige Dineen:
You just brokered a peace treaty. Like a real statesman!

Sylvester Dodd:
I almost threw up twice.

Paige Dineen:
Let's keep that between us.

Toby Curtis:
You are the one brain I can't crack, 197.

Opening lines:
My name is Walter O'Brien. I have the fourth-highest IQ ever recorded, 197. Einstein's was 160. When I was 11, the FBI arrested me for hacking NASA to get blueprints for my bedroom wall. Now, I run a team of geniuses attacking worldwide threats only we can solve. Toby's our behaviorist, Sylvester's a human calculator, Happy a mechanical prodigy. Agent Cabe Gallo's our government handler. And Paige? Well, Paige isn't like us. She's normal. She translates the world for us while we help her understand her genius son. Together, we are Scorpion.

Happy Quinn:
Not good.