Scream Queens

Chanel Oberlin:
Life is a class system.

Chanel Oberlin:
My name is Chanel Oberlin, and I am the queen of Kappa Kappa Tau.

Chanel #5:
[to Chanel Oberlin] Last night I had an amazing three-some with Roger and Dodger and I realized that I'd rather focus my attention this semester on getting spit-roasted by hot frat twins than help you figure out who is murdering a bunch of dumb gashes.

Chanel #5:
[to Chanel Oberlin] I got Eiffel-towered by hot morons who are brothers and now I'm out. See it occurred to me that I don't really care where Chanel #2 is. You're the president which means it's your problem.

Chanel Oberlin:
This has been the worst night of my life. My pumpkin patch was canceled because one of those idiot twins decided it'd rather to get killed than keep boning #5.

Jennifer:
Oh. Um, I just kinda came over here because I farted over there and it smelled bad.

Chanel #3:
Just so you know, I took all your clothes.

Chanel #5:
It's too bad you had to die before we found out what ethnicity you are.

Chad Radwell:
Godspeed, Chanel #2. God, I loved porking you so much.

Chanel #2:
See, despite what you've heard, hell sucks; it's not fun. Yes, there are waterslides, but they're lined with razor blades and you splash down into a pool of boiling pee. Also, zero dinosaurs. As soon as I got there, I was like, "Where are the dinosaurs?" And they were like, "We know. Jesus broke in and stole them."

Chanel #2:
So yesterday I marched right up to the front desk and I'm like, "What do I have to do to get to Heaven?" And do you know what Carl Sagan said to me? That I had to make things right with you, Chanel.

Chanel Oberlin:
that's it! i'm done with this dead lying bitch. i'm done with you #2. have fun in the hell going to dinner with Osama Bin Laden.

Chanel #5:
Why are you wearing my clothes?

Denise Hemphill:
The bigger question is: Why are you the same size as a 40-year-old woman?

Denise Hemphill:
I don't know what brand of G-String it is you use, but I feel like angels are flossing by butt crack

Gigi Caldwell:
I was just about to cook us up my mother's famous falafel enchiladas. It's an old family recipe which fits perfectly with the sort of vague, enigmatic quality of my skin tone.

Chanel Oberlin:
I hope you fat heifers did your homework. Zayday is the killer and that walking jawline Grace what's-her-nuts is in on it.

Chanel Oberlin:
You have to fix this, you have to prove that Zayday and that pencil neck Grace are the killers and do it fast daddy.

[Boone appears inside Zayday's room, dressed in formal attire and holding a bouquet of flowers.; Zayday was stunned.]

Zayday Williams:
Boone? I thought you were dead.

Boone Clemens:
Yes. I am his ghost. I am "Ghost Boone", but you can just call me Boone.

Zayday Williams:
Nice shirt.

Boone Clemens:
[checks on his shirt] Thank you. You know what it's made out of?

Zayday Williams:
What?

Boone Clemens:
"Boyfriend material."

[Zayday was confused.]

Boone Clemens:
So listen, the afterlife is kind of a weird place. Um, I don't know if you know this about me, but... I was a pretty amazing person when I was alive. And because of that, when I got to Heaven they offered me whatever I wanted... but I said what I want more than anything... is to come back down to earth, as a ghost... and make sweet love to Zayday Williams. [gives the bouquet to Zayday] A couple times. Maybe we can even date for a little while.

Zayday Williams:
[coldly] There's just one problem.... [shoves the bouquet to Boone] I don't believe in ghosts!

Boone Clemens:
[chuckles] Well, then how do you explain me being here?

Zayday Williams:
You faked your death!

[Grace appears in the room carrying clothes.]

Grace Gardner:
Hey, Zayday, have you seen my--- [gasps when she saw Boone alive] Oh, my God, Boone?!

Zayday Williams:
[to Grace] Boone is in here trying to seduce me with the oldest line in the book: he says he's a "ghost".

Grace Gardner:
Wait. [places the clothes in the bed] This all makes sense, Of course you would fake your own death so no one would suspect you!

Boone Clemens:
[surrounded by Grace and Zayday] Are you trying to say I'm the Red Devil Killer? Cause that's insane.

Zayday Williams:
We both know how you got this fork mark on your hand! [grabs Boone's hand, revealing the scar from the fork that Zayday had stabbed him earlier] From when I stabbed you in your evil lair. You're coming with us!

[Zayday and Grace grabbed Boone. They struggle as Boone barely escape through the window.]

Hester Ulrich:
[picking up some of Chanel's clothes] I have to say, Chanel, I am delighted and shocked that you're letting me keep whatever clothes I want. It's really big of you, considering the whole "I'm pregnant with your boyfriend's baby" thing.

Chanel Oberlin:
Well, honestly, the more I thought about it, I just realized that I love Chad so much, and part of loving someone is loving every choice they make, regardless of how selfish and destructive it is, you know?

Hester Ulrich:
[picks up Chanel's kimono] Thank you, Mommy. Oh, and if you want to start calling me Mommy, now being that I'm the one that's gonna actually be the mommy, I'm totally fine with that.

Chanel #5:
Number 6, before you try on that kimono, why haven't you had any of this sushi? I mean, we got it just for you.

Hester Ulrich:
Mm, don't mind if I do! [eats the sushi] Mmm. That's so good. Mm-hmm.

Chanel #3:
Oh, and do yourself a favor. [shows the cheese] Have a little slice of that soft, unpasteurized cheese. [Hester eats the cheese] It makes any sushi that much more delicious.

Hester Ulrich:
Mmm! You're right.

Chanel Oberlin:
Oh, and, Hester, you have got to taste this champagne. [holds the two glasses of champagne] It's a special champagne with triple the alcohol and a... nicotine-y mouth feel, because it's infused with tobacco.

[Hester takes the glass and sips.]

Hester Ulrich:
Mmm, De-lish!

[Chanel knocks the wineglass off of Hester's hand.]

Chanel Oberlin:
Liar!

Hester Ulrich:
What the hell is going on?!

[Number 5 and Number 3 closes the closet doors]

Chanel Oberlin:
You're trapped in a web of lies, whore! You just had sushi, soft cheese and alcohol! Three foods that are damaging to embryos! Which means, you're not pregnant!

Hester Ulrich:
That's not true! I didn't know anything about the whole... sushi-cheese-alcohol thing!

Chanel Oberlin:
Fine! Prove it. You're not leaving this room until you've peed on every single one of these pregnancy tests!

[Number 5 and Number 3 shows the thermometers to Hester.]

Hester Ulrich:
[chuckles] Hmm..., I had all three of you fooled, didn't I?! Fine! You got me, I'm not pregnant!

[Chanel gasps in excitement]

Hester Ulrich:
But it doesn't matter, [Chanel was stunned] because Chad still thinks that I am and being that he already purchased our first-class airfare to the Hamptons. That means that I'll be the one attending Thanksgiving where I'll have ample opportunity to get pregnant all weekend long!

[Hester walks away, leaving Chanel and her minions shocked and upset.]

Chanel Oberlin:
[screeching] I'LL KILL YOU, NECKBRAAAACE!!!

[Hester continues to walk off, ignoring Chanel who screams in anger and frustration. Chanel tries to follow her.]

Chanel Oberlin:
Hester, I owe you an apology. Yes, I did push you down the stairs in an attempt to murder you and your fake unborn baby. And while my motivations were airtight and my conscience clear, still, I'm sorry. You, Chanel #6, are my sister, and that bond is stronger than some silly little attempt on your life.

Hester Ulrich:
Thank you.

Chanel Oberlin:
And furthermore, I'm sorry that you had to sit through the most mean-spirited game of Pictionary in the history of Pictionary! I mean, no one deserves to be spoken to like that, particularly not by what is, without a doubt, the most awful family in America! Chad, your leathery excuse for a mother looks like an ostrich-hide clutch from last season that somehow learned to talk. And, Mr. Radwell, I have never seen anyone spend so much money to make a house look this tacky! I've honestly seen more tasteful decor at a Sizzler. And you, Thad, have a bright future ahead of you in the sex offender wing of a supermax prison! [to Brad] And you, sir, give the kind, hard-working, deeply moral people who work in such a wonderful industry as Hollywood a bad name! And, Chad Radwell, whatever we had between us is over! I am walking out that door and never speaking to you again.

Chad Radwell:
You know you say that a lot, right?

Chanel Oberlin:
Well, consider this coming to my senses, because no woman in her right mind would want anything to do with this family! So goodbye, Chad. Goodbye forever.

Chanel #5:
Chanel is right. All they're gonna do is look at Gigi's severed, roasted head and say that they have no proof that it is in any way related to the killings at campus

Chanel Oberlin:
Shut up, Number Five! When you agree with me it makes me question whether I actually agree with me.

Pete Martinez:
If you gaze long enough into an abyss, that abyss will gaze back into you. That is Nietzsche too, Grace.

Grace Gardner:
You're quoting Nietzsche? You’re already a murderer, Pete. You don’t have to be a douche as well!

Chanel Oberlin: ATTENTION ALL USELESS KAPPA SLUTS – Congratulations! If you’re reading this it means you’ve overcome the limitations of your tiny manatee brains and opened an email. Now if you’re asking yourself “DERR, wait, I’m confused. Is Chanel talking to me? Am I a useless Kappa slut?" Simply ask yourself the following question aloud: "IS MY NAME CHANEL #3, CHANEL #5, CHANEL #6 or ZAYDAY WILLIAMS?” If the answer to that is YES then FELICITATIONS! THIS MISSIVE IS FOR YOU! So, do you all remember when we agreed to meet at the campus pool and kill the Dean and I got you all awesome new phones so that when it came time to meet, the phone would light up a certain color, and when it did, you didn’t even have to answer it? You just had to come meet at the aforementioned pool? And then do you remember NOT coming to the pool, despite me making it super easy for you by concocting a plan so simple that an orangutan could have figured it out? Like, literally a circus ape of moderate intelligence could have looked down at the phone sticking out of the single pocket in the front of his comical lederhosen and seen it light up and used his short little legs to waddle over to his tiny motorized shriners car and driven to the pool like I asked. Do you remember any aspect of this SUPER SIMPLE PLAN? That’s not a rhetorical question. I’m literally asking if your tiny slut brains have the power to process ANY OF MY SUPER-SIMPLE ORANGUTAN LEVEL INSTRUCTIONS! Because what I remember is that NONE OF YOU SHOWED UP! Which meant I had to sit at that stupid pool by myself like a GRADE-A ASSHAT with a bag full of enormous chains to drown Dean Munsch with and then have a super awkward convo with her where I was like “OH DURR I JUST LIKE BRING ENORMOUS CHAINS TO POOLS” and I looked like a total div. I don’t entirely know what you whores could have been doing that was more important than helping your chapter president drown a serial killer, but unless that thing you were doing was getting enemas of pure liquid gold at a new local establishment called "LIQUID GOLD COLONICS FOR YOUNG SLUTS", like, if you were doing LITERALLY ANYTHING else, you all should seriously consider doing the human race a favor and getting sterilized. I’m not being facetious, I literally think you should consider undergoing a surgical procedure to remove your ovaries, thereby sparing human race exposure to your DNA. You four trollops ARE THE WORST SPECIMEN OF HUMAN BEINGS EVER BORN and you should all REALLY watch your backs, because if this serial killer targeting Kappa house doesn’t chop off your heads, I'M GOING TO DO IT! So I can sell your tiny whore brain pans to science. Sincerely, Chanel Oberlin.

Hester Ulrich:
Even though I only ate asylum food and never really exercised, I was blessed with a super tight bod. My butt could launch a thousand ships, and my boobs were remarkably perky and even. Couple that with my BJ lips, and I was gonna need something pretty spectacular to keep everyone from wanting to get all up in this.

Hester Ulrich:
Oh, more than some, Dean. I-I read your best-selling New York Times book three times. Th-These kids were martyrs for a much bigger cause.

Dean Cathy Munsch:
I know it was you, Hester. I remember that little girl's face in the bathroom that night. Burned into my memory, like Joe Theismann's injury and Two Girls One Cup. I remember every detail of her little face. And I certainly would know what she would look like all grown up.

Hester Ulrich:
It's not my fault that all of that happened to me. You see how awesome Wes is. He would've been my dad. I would've had a good life. Maybe if I would've had a real dad, my brother wouldn't have turned into such a douche. Maybe family trips to ski in Innsbruck or to Williamstown to see Tim Daly in Death of a Salesman would've turned me into a much more sane young woman. But that didn't happen. And I can't be blamed for the painful circumstances of my upbringing.

Dean Cathy Munsch:
No, but those kids died. They're dead. And that is your fault.

Hester Ulrich:
I didn't kill any of these kids. Except for Pete, but he's a killer, so that's allowed.

Dean Cathy Munsch:
By the state, Hester. After a trial and lengthy appeals and using drugs that are mostly painless.

Hester Ulrich:
It all worked out, Dean. And I'm never gonna kill again. As long as I'm not texting and driving. Everyone got what they wanted. And even if the Chanels didn't actually kill any of these people, they perpetuated the system that created me and my brother, Pete and Gigi. So if anyone should pay for this, it should be them.

Dean Cathy Munsch:
I also have a conscience, and a responsibility to all those dead kids, that their killer be brought to justice. So I am gonna turn you in, Hester.

Hester Ulrich:
Then I'm gonna turn you in, for covering up the murder of my mother and killing your ex-husband.... Or we could just say we're good... and move on. To our very happy and successful best-selling lives.