Scrubs, Season 7

J.D.:
I can't believe I almost messed things up with Kim. What is wrong with me?

Dr. Cox:
[walking by] You are an annoying, whiny man-child.

J.D.:
That question wasn't directed at you!

Dr. Cox:
What question?

[Turk, Cox, and Kelso are in the doctor's lounge, unsuccessfully researching Joe's disease. Kelso's head is lying in Cox's lap.]

Dr. Cox:
[noticing Kelso's head] Fair enough.

[Dr. Beardfacé walks in]

Turk:
[calling] What it do, Beardface?

Dr. Beardfacé:
It's Beardfacé! BEARDFACÉ, DAMMIT!

Dr. Kelso:
Calm down, Seymour.

Dr. Cox:
If you wanna lose the nickname, you gotta lose the beard. Of course... then you'd be Doctor Face...

Dr. Kelso:
HA! Dr. Face.

Dr. Beardfacé:
DAMN you all!

J.D.:
My kid's not even born yet and I'm already screwing up his life. I just want him to be really happy and normal, you know.

Dr. Cox:
First of all, Newbie, we're talking about your kid, so the whole normal part was never gonna happen.

[Dr. Kelso is consoling his son over the phone]

Dr. Kelso:
Of course you had to break up with him. No one you love should ever sell your car without asking and then blow the money on meth.

J.D.:
[looking in awe at a baby] I'm a dad!

Turk:
That's not your kid.

J.D.:
I know, but he reminds me of Sam.

Turk:
That's a girl.

J.D.:
Stop ruining it! Why do you have to ruin things? I was having a moment, here!

Ted:
I'm going to say something to you that's been said to me by every person I've ever loved: I'm really disappointed in you. You are pathetic and weak and I don't love you any more, GET OUT!

Jordan:
What have you been doing all day?

Dr. Cox:
Right up to this very moment I've been successfully avoiding you.

Jordan:
I came to tell you that I'm taking the kids to my mother's for the weekend. And, seeing that you're not allowed within forty feet from her house...

Dr. Cox:
Ah, the restraining order.

Jordan:
[smiling] Ahhh, Christmas memories...

J.D.:
[In janitor's uniform] It's like the ammonia is seeping into my brain and making me violent and angry and hateful!

Janitor:
Yep, that's how it starts.

J.D.:
[Angrily, to Boone] What the hell are you looking at?

Janitor:
Nice!

Ted:
Chicks, huh. They're all soft and cuddly but you never get to be with one.

Dr. Cox:
Who cares about losing your childhood? I damn sure didn't.

J.D.:
Yeah, but that's because your parents were violently abusive alcoholics. Not that there is anything wrong with that; it was probably very exciting.

Janitor:
[to his girlfriend Lady] I think it's time you learned the real me. Here we go. I'm not... like normal people. I don't have superpowers, but I'm working on it. For instance, watch me move this pen. [stares at pen; it doesn't move] It worked at home. I don't know. Maybe my table's slanted. Uh, anyway. Um, in my spare time, I also enjoy stuffing animals. Usually with other animals. For instance, a badger will hold five squirrels. A squirrel will hold most of a cat. A mouse will hold a shrew and a vole. You get it... the circle of life. I have broken the sound barrier, but you must never ask me how. I don't believe in the moon. I think it's just the back of the sun.

Kelso:
Ha! I love a good trainwreck! [Carla goes to interfere]

Janitor:
Furthermore, I think if you look closely enough at a...

Carla:
Stop it you! She doesn't know you're joking.

Janitor:
No, I'm...

Lady:
Oh, he's... he's joking? [Carla nods] Oh thank God.

[Turk and Dr. Cox talking about rateyourdoc.org]

Turk:
There's no way I'm losing to J.D. There must be some way we can take him down.

Dr. Cox:
I thought he was your best friend.

Turk:
Winning is more important than friendship. My gram-gram taught me that.

Dr Cox:
So, Gandhi, what did your wife think of her terrible present?

Turk:
I haven't told her yet. I mean, I was going to, but her not knowing I understand Spanish is like having a secret power. It got me flapjacks for dinner.

Dr Kelso:
You got brinner? DAAAAAMN, Turkledawg!

[Turk and Carla are talking in Spanish about J.D. and Elliot]

Turk:
Like them. I bet you that in two weeks they will be back together.

Carla:
Do you think so? Some people are not going to like that.

[The ladies' room is being cleaned; Elliot decides to use the men's room]

Elliot:
[reading off the bathroom stall's wall] "Rate Dr. Reid's butt?"... Yes! 9.2! Thank God this hospital's full of white guys.

. . .

Kelso:
Don't be too pleased with that 9.2. That's out of 100.

Dr. Cox:
Wait a minute, you're telling me that that poster-sized reminder of your giant ass-kicking doesn't bother you? You're the only one your son has to model himself after when he's deciding how to be a man, and occasionally seeing a Paul Mitchell poster every time you pass by the beauty salon just isn't going to cut it.

J.D.:
Well, it's unfortunate that all children can't have the great role model you are, Mr. Borderline Alcoholic.

J.D.:
[narration] Nailed him! It's great having silver bullets like that on everyone in the hospital.

Nurse:
You sure told him.

J.D.:
Thanks, herpes.

Ted:
[seeing Turk and J.D. hug] I need one of those.

J.D.:
A hug?

Ted:
No, a black friend. I think it would make me much cooler.

Turk:
I should be offended, but he's right.

Carla:
Janitor, are you familiar with the term "delusions of grandeur"?

Janitor:
I believe I coined that term.

J.D.:
I'm doing this thing where I take a slice of someone else's wisdom and use it in my own life.

Jordan:
Seems coincidental.

J.D.:
And yet I do it almost every week.

J.D.:
[watching the Janitor and Ted argue] Those two should have their own sitcom. [fantasises about the sitcom's opening sequence]

Ted:
I'm a lawyer!

Janitor:
I'm a janitor!

Both:
Together we adopted a cute little kid. We're Legal Custodians! [jingle] Get it?

J.D.:
[to Sam] I'd watch that show; would you?

Dr. Cox:
[as the Knight] My name is Percival Cox. You're killing my friend. Prepare to die.

Dr. Cox:
[narrating] And the princess and the idiot decided that their kiss didn't mean anything. [JD as The Village Idiot and Elliot as The Princess shake hands] Because in the end... they were both idiots.