Scrubs, Season 9

Lucy:
[After smelling the air] Kiwi!

Denise:
What?

Lucy:
I smell kiwi.

Denise:
Yeah, it's my shampoo. I love kiwis, so what?

Lucy:
Me too! Not really, they're hairy, they look like... monkey nuts.

Denise:
Don't smell people; it's weird.

Lucy:
I'd just like to thank you, on behalf of all of us, for getting us pizza. [voice-over] There: smelling incident fixed!

Denise:
Yeah, they gave me money to do it. Along with free room and board to attend to your emotional needs. Speaking of which, little administrative thing. If you're going to kill yourself - lookin' at you, sad eyes - do it off-campus, because it is a butt-load of paperwork.

[J.D. is sitting in a tree to symbolize the cardiovascular system]

Lucy:
Great class, Doctor D! Even better than the one you did with interpretive dance.

J.D.:
Thanks, Lucy. I like to call it "teacher-tainment". Now, be a doll and go give Dr. Turk a message ASAP. Tell him Dr. Dorian is stuck in the tree again, but this time there are many bees. Hurry, Lucy, I have honey hair!

Lucy:
I thought being a doctor was about helping people.

J.D.:
It is, Lucy. Well, that and showing up my third grade teacher, who said I'd never amount to anything. Eat it, Mrs. Nickerson! [voiceover] And rest in peace.

Denise:
I'm sorry, white bread, I'm not really looking for a protegé slash suckup.

Lucy:
Dr. Mahoney, I am not sucking up! If I were sucking up, I would tell you how much I like your shoes... which I do, by the way! They're mannish, but flirty, like, "Hey boys, come and watch me build a deck."

Dr. Cox:
Okay class, with the exception of number one here, today's assignment is to drop out of medical school. Your parents' money would be better spent stuffed into garbage bags and shot into the sun.

Ted:
Dr. Cox, did you hear that I'm quitting?

Dr. Cox:
I did, Ted, and I don't know how to pretend to care.

Ted:
Understandable.

Dr. Kelso:
Theodore, I always figured that someday we'd just find you dead in your office.

Ted:
Yeah, that was the dream. But the Gooch and I are taking some time off and touring the country.

Gooch:
We've written a song for every state.

Dr. Cox:
I'm sure I'll hear all of them when I die and go to Hell.

Bouncer:
Are you on the list?

J.D.:
Yes, under "John Dorian", or "Dr. Dorian". Or maybe "Doctor Dizzle" or "J. Dizzle".

Bouncer:
There's a "J. Dizzle" here.

Man:
I'm John Dizzle!

J.D.:
Dammit!

Lucy:
Doctor D, I can't believe you're leaving us! You're, like, the best teacher ever!

J.D.:
Ah, Lucy, but you'll always carry a piece of me with you. I'll be here [touches her head] and I'll be here [touches her stomach].

Lucy:
In my stomach?

J.D.:
I would have touched your heart, but I did that once to another female student, and it resulted in having to watch a four-hour video called "Boundaries".

[Lucy is taking blood from J.D.]

Lucy:
I don't know why I'm not getting this.

J.D.:
I used to have a problem with the same thing. But then I realized that you just have to pretend that the needle is your friend. Be careful, though: I told that to a medical student once, and he became a heroin addict.

Drew:
So, did he buy the newsletter rankings nonsense?

Dr. Cox:
Like an elderly shut-in talking to a telemarketer.

Drew:
Outstanding.

Lucy:
[to Elliot] Morning, sunshine! You look rested! Oh, and making time for the paper, that must be nice. [drops the act] Later, you munch!

Elliot:
Did she just call me a buttmunch?

Drew:
Well, she didn't use the word "butt", though I can't think of any other prominent kind of munch, so... yeah, she called you a buttmunch. [cheerfully] I'm Drew, by the way!

Dr. Cox:
And now, a boring announcement about a pointless tradition, brought to you by an aging figurehead with a failing liver and an over-active libido.

Dr. Kelso:
Thank you, Perry, you anger-filled muscle-slut.

Dr. Cox:
I miss this.

Dr. Kelso:
Me, too. It kills me that we're friends now.

Turk:
The OR room is a safe place. No one's going to yell "Recognize!" at you. Can I ask you a question? Why do white people ruin everything? I only got to say "fo shizzle" for a week. A week!

Cole:
What did Drew say about me rejoining the study group?

Lucy:
He said no.

Cole:
Really? Did you remind him I'm one-eighteenth American Indian?

Lucy:
Are you?

Cole:
I don't know, but I always tell people that. It makes the white man feel guilty.

Cole:
Damn, girl, you can't just jump in front of golf carts! That's how gardeners die!

[The class is to be tested on dissecting a cadaver, who was once Lucy's patient, Ben]

Lucy:
[narration] Anyway, my friend Ben was going to propel our group to the top of the class. I'm so moved, I just want to put those feelings into words. [out loud] Dr. Turk, I can't wait to slice up this old bastard's ticker!

J.D. [to Elliot] Hello, wife-face! Your shift is over, and I'm taking you on a baby-moon!

Elliot:
What are you talking about?

J.D.:
A baby-moon is a vacation that couples take just before your baby comes out of your special area. And the resort I found is amazing; they have horseback riding, and jet-skiing...

Elliot:
Oh, do they also have any punching each other in the stomach contests? Because that's another thing I can't do.

Cole:
Your mom doesn't like me very much, does she?

Lucy:
[nervously chewing her hair] She's crazy about you!

Cole:
See? You're lying! Babe, I can read you like the back of a DVD case. You chew on your hair when you lie, you adjust your bra when you're about to yell at me, and you get this far-off look in your eye when you're narrating in your head.

Lucy:
[narration] Even though Cole and I were clicking...

Cole:
There it is!

Lucy:
[adjusting her bra] Stop noticing things I do!

[The class is in detention under suspicion of cheating]

Denise:
I hope it was Drew. Then he'll get his butt thrown out of here.

Lucy:
What did he do to you? Did he smack you around?

Denise:
Worse. He told me he loved me. Who does that? Don't you see? He's trying to get me to trust him so he can let me down.

Lucy:
Crazy idea: you could just say "I love you" back.

Denise:
Yeah, but then if it doesn't work out, I'll have to kill him, go to jail, break out, and kill you for giving me that advice.

Lucy:
I love how our friendship is based predominately on threats.

Drew:
I just needed a moment of peace and quiet. The other students will.. not.. stop asking me questions.

Dr. Cox:
Oh, puh-leeze! I have a hospital full of incompetents hammering me with stupid questions every second of every day.

Todd:
Dr. Cox, your patient in three is septic. Antibiotics or vasopressors?

Dr. Cox:
Antibiotics at first.

Drew:
That wasn't so dumb.

Dr. Cox:
Wait for it.

Todd:
Oh, did you get my request for scrubs that hug a little closer to my wham-bam?

Dr. Cox:
Thank you, Todd, for being the example to a point you don't understand.

Todd:
You're welcome.

Russell:
There is so much I could teach you, if you would just open up and let me in. Let me in, Turk!

Turk:
I'm about to punch you in the mouth!

Russell:
Fine, but be forewarned: I trained with the Mossad. I could kill you with a button off your jacket.

Turk:
Really. Because I trained with LaMarcus down at the gym, and he was an NFL linebacker before he came out of the closet!

Turk:
Somebody's parked in my spot!

Dr. Kelso:
Boo-hoo, it takes me 11 minutes to pee.

[Lucy is talking with the adult son of her anatomy cadaver, who it turns out was an abusive father when he was alive]

Lucy:
OK, I'm sure Ben could be a jerk. But you have to admit he was a great bowler; I found a picture of him bowling a 310 on August 12, 1979.

Eric:
So that's where he was on my seventh birthday.

Lucy:
[voiceover] Aw, balls!

Denise:
Stop acting weird. I'm trying to eat lunch in front of a bunch of corpses.