Seinfeld, Season 6

Ms. Rhode Island:
I'm watching my weight.

Jerry:
I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller.

Kramer:
Look, if you think I'm just going to step aside and do nothing while you defile this woman, you're crazy.

Jerry:
People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

Jerry:
He doesn't even care if a man answers.

Elaine:
Or you.

Leo:
She can't do that, she's on a very fixed income! Stop the show!!

Kramer:
Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people!

Kramer:
I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house!

Jerry:
[referring to George] It's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago. He could've been normal.

Jerry:
Is it? C-could it? Could he have? It is! Poppy peed on my sofa!

Kramer:
Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of.

Jerry:
You're in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle. So you think to yourself, "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

Jerry:
We should get you to a hospital.

Kramer:
I ain't going to no Bellevue.

George:
[singing] Everybody's talkin' at me... can't hear a word they're sayin'... just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car...

Jerry:
I'll have the turkey club without the bacon.

George:
And I'll have the bacon club without the turkey.

Elaine:
Can I have a big salad?

Waitress:
A big salad?

Elaine:
You see...

George:
[irritated] Just tell them what you want. They'll make it for you.

Elaine:
It's a salad, only bigger, with lots of stuff in it.

Waitress:
I can bring you two small salads.

Elaine:
Could you put it in a big bowl?

Waitress:
We don't have big bowls.

Elaine:
All right, just get me a cup of decaf.

Waitress:
We have Sanka.

Secretary:
As you can see, my references are impeccable and I think I'd be a real asset here. My only concern is: I take care of my mother. Will there be many late nights?

George:
I can't imagine any.

Jerry:
You got no waist in that thing.

George:
And your arms look like something in a kosher deli.

George:
Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?

George:
Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it!

Jerry:
They did not have roommates in the middle ages!

George:
Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together.

Jerry:
The point is I intend to undertake this. And I'll do it with or without you. So if you're scared, if you haven't got the stomach for this, let's get it out right now! And I'll go on my own. If not, you can get on board and we can get to work! Now what's it going to be?

George:
Alright, dammit, I'm in.

Lois:
Would you be able to come all the way downtown during rush hour again?

Jerry:
Well, I'd have to be Superman to do that, Lois.

Lois:
So, you were the fastest kid in school.

Jerry:
Faster than a speeding bullet, Lois.

Jerry:
"I CHOSE NOT TO RUN!"

Elaine:
He recycled this gift. He's a regifter.

Jerry:
Oh, it's "Risk." It's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.

Jerry:
Who is he not to talk to you about his life-threatening illness?

George:
You think I tell Jerry everything? It's not like he's my wife.

George:
Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.

[Talking about George's toupee]

Kramer:
Its a perfect match.

Jerry:
Are you kidding? I can spot that bird's nest two blocks away.

George:
I love these people. You can't ask 'em questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office. When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!

Jerry:
How 'bout those Knicks?

Doorman:
Oh, I see. On the sports page...

Jerry:
Yeah.

Doorman:
What makes you think I wasn't reading the Wall Street page? Oh, I know, because I'm the uneducated doorman.

Jerry:
[dressed as a doorman] Hey, hey, wait a second. You live here?

Mr. Green:
Of course I live here! I've lived here for twenty years. Now if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police and have you arrested!

[Jerry lets the man pass.]

Jerry:
[yells] You think you're better than me?

Jimmy:
You know, Jimmy is pretty sweet on you.

Elaine:
[thinks that Jimmy is another guy] Aaaaaahhh! He is?

Jimmy:
Oh, yeah! Jimmy's been watching you. You're just Jimmy's type.

Elaine:
Ahh! Really?

Jimmy:
Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy... doesn't really know anyone.

Elaine:
Oh! Well, I'd like to get to know him.

Jimmy:
Jimmy would like to get to know you.

Jerry:
You know what you're doing? You're turning into Jimmy.

George:
George is getting UPSET!

George:
[referring to a doodle of himself] I look like a troll!

Elaine:
What's this, a drawing of Mr. Magoo?

Jerry:
No, that's George.

Jerry:
You know what a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex.

Estelle:
Georgie, I'm a divorcee.

George:
No, you're not a divorcee. You're just separated. You're - you're a "separatee."

Estelle:
Well, I'm out there, George.

George:
No, you're not out there.

Estelle:
I am, too!

George:
You're not out there! You can't be, because I am out there. And if I see you out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!

Mr. Morgan:
I suppose we all look alike to you, right Costanza?

Katie:
Jerry, I don't want you to freak out.

Jerry:
I'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out!

Jerry:
Who are these nitwits that get on a plane with nothing to read? You know who these people are?

Elaine:
Who?

Jerry:
These are the people that want to talk to you. They got nothing else to do, why not disturb you?

Elaine:
I will never understand people.

Jerry:
They're the worst.

George:
You can't have a relationship where one person says 'I love you,' and the other one says 'I'm hungry, let's get something to eat.'

Jerry:
Unless you're married...

George:
Now she thinks I'm one of these guys that loves her. Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them!

Jerry:
No, people hate that.

George:
I watched "Beaches" on cable last night... give me a break.

Bette:
Get some talent. Then you can mouth off.

Kramer:
[on the phone] A turkey sandwich, a side of slaw... You want white meat or dark?

Bette:
White meat.

Kramer:
Yeah, white meat. And if I see one piece of dark meat on there, it's your ass, buster!

Elaine:
Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye.

Jerry:
No, there's less.

Elaine:
He's an enigma; a mystery wrapped in a riddle.

Jerry:
He's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.

George:
Did you just see what happened here? Did you see the way she pointed at the check? She gave me the finger!

Jerry:
That's how waitress-types express derision. They don't want to get their mouths dirty.

Kramer:
Boxers! How do you wear these things? Look at that, they're bagging up, they're rising here, and there's nothing holding me in place. I'm flippin'! I'm floppin'!

...

Kramer:
I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house!

Jerry:
Well, it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers.

Kramer:
Well, I wouldn't go as far as that.

Jerry:
You went back to the Jockeys?

Kramer:
Wrong again.

Jerry:
[realizing ] Oh, no.

Elaine:
What? What?

Jerry:
Don't you see what's goin' on here? No boxers, no Jockeys…

[Elaine backs away from Kramer, disgusted]

Jerry:
The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine…Kramer, say it isn't so.

Kramer:
Oh, it be so. I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it.

Jerry:
[examining a spot on the couch] Is it? C-could it? Could he have? It is! Poppy peed on my sofa!

Kramer:
I'm sure it will come out.

Jerry:
I don't care if it comes out. I can't sit on that anymore.

Kramer:
You're making too much of it.

Jerry:
Yeah, you're right. Just a natural human function, happens to be on my sofa, instead of in the toilet where it would normally be.

George:
If it's not about sports, I find it very hard to concentrate.

Jerry:
You're not very bright, are you?

George:
No I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not.

Jerry:
You're in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle. So you think to yourself, "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

George:
No, no, no, no, no. It was not trash.

Jerry:
Was it in the trash?

George:
Yes.

Jerry:
Then it was trash.

George:
It wasn't down in; it was sort of on top.

Jerry:
But it was in the cylinder.

George:
Above the rim.

Jerry:
Adjacent to refuse, is refuse.

George:
It was on a magazine, and it still had the doily on.

Jerry:
Was it eaten?

George:
One little bite.

Jerry:
Well, that's garbage.

Kenny:
You worn the suit yet?

Jerry:
No, not yet.

Hildy:
[the waitress comes up] Have you decided?

Kenny:
Oh, get the swordfish. Best swordfish in the city. The best, Jerry.

Jerry:
I'll have the salmon.

Hildy:
And you?

Kenny:
Ahh, you know what I think. I'm just going to have soup. Yeah, I'll save the meal for another time.

Jerry:
Another time? What other time?

Kenny:
I had a hot dog earlier. I'm not that hungry.

Jerry:
No, no, Bania, no. This is the dinner. The soup counts.

Kenny:
Soup's not a meal. You're supposed to buy me a meal.

Jerry:
I'm not stopping you from eating. Go ahead and eat. Get anything you want.

Kenny:
I don't want anything but soup.

Jerry:
Then that's the meal.

Kenny:
But I had the hot dog.

Jerry:
I didn't tell you to have a hot dog. Who told you to have a hot dog?

Kenny:
Hey, I give you a brand-new Armani suit, and you won't even buy me a meal?

Jerry:
All right, fine. Get the soup!

Jerry:
So, you just pretended it didn't bother you?

George:
What is that, 'boyfriend'? I don't understand that. What, what does she think I asked her out for?

Jerry:
Boy, it's the way they just slip that in there, too.

George:
Yeah, like it's just part of the conversation. 'Oh, my boyfriend really likes watches. He's a real watch freak.' Well, that's fabulous.

Jerry:
Well, let me ask you this. What exactly did you say when you asked her out?

George:
I said, 'Would you like to go for a walk or something?'

Jerry:
Oh, a walk, well...

George:
Or something. I said, 'Or something'!

Jerry:
Or something. Yeah, that's a date.

George:
There you go!

Jerry:
You know, there is always the possibility that she called an audible.

George:
What do you mean?

Jerry:
Well, she got up to the line of scrimmage, didn't like the looks of the defense and changed the play.

George:
I think things were going okay. We were having a nice conversation.

Jerry:
Uh huh.

George:
I mentioned how I liked horse manure.

Jerry:
You did?

George:
Yeah.

Jerry:
Yeah. You said you liked horse manure.

George:
Yeah. You know, about how when you break it down, it's really a very positive thing. You know, you have a 'newer,' with a 'ma' in front of it. MA-NURE. It's not bad.

Jerry:
And it was around this point that she mentioned the boyfriend?

George:
Yeah. Oh, you think because of what I said about the manure. I was just saying how it takes a negative thing, and puts a positive spin on it.

Jerry:
I'm just saying there's a chance she may not have been enamored with your thoughts and feelings on manure.

George:
So you don't think she really has a boyfriend?

Jerry:
My honest opinion, I think she made it up.

[Jerry is trying the only pair of boots he has available]

Jerry:
I can't wear these. They look ridiculous.

Kramer:
Well, you look like a cowboy!

Jerry:
I don't wanna be a cowboy!

Jerry:
Hey! Did you get the Volvo?

George:
No, I decided to go with an '89 LeBaron.

Elaine:
A LeBaron?

Jerry:
I thought Consumer said Volvo was the car?

George:
What Consumer? I'm the consumer.

Jerry:
Alright. Seems like... a strange choice.

George:
Well, maybe so... but it was good enough for Mr. Jon Voight.

Elaine:
Jon Voight? The actor?

George:
That's right. He just happened to be the previous owner of the vehicle.

Jerry:
You bought a car because it belonged to Jon Voight?

George:
No, no...

Jerry:
I think yes, yes. You like the idea of telling people you're driving Jon Voight's car.

Elaine:
Um, yeah, hi, I'd like delivery please to 16 West 75th St. apartment 2G.

Lew:
[menacingly] I know that address! You're Benes, right? You're on our list. NO MORE DELIVERIES!

Elaine:
No. no, she doesn't live here anymore. This is someone else.

Lew:
Oh, yeah. What's the name?

Elaine:
Why do you need the name? You already have the address.

Lew:
[in a sinister tone] We need a name. Give us a name!

Elaine:
Okay, okay, Ned Isakoff.

Jerry:
What's this?

Kramer:
It's an eye patch.

Jerry:
You look like a pirate.

Kramer:
I wanna be a pirate.

George:
I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic, it's a pleasure.

Jerry:
Good to have you back.

George:
And you know what else I've decided to do? I'm going to keep seeing the bald woman.

Jerry:
She's as good as anybody else.

George:
Her scalp was clean. She had a nice skull. There just wasn't a lot of hair on it.

Jerry:
Yeah you've had like a religious awakening. You're like a bald-again.

Jerry:
So George, how do I beat this lie detector?

George:
I'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you.

Jerry:
Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me.

George:
Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavorotti, "Teach me to sing like you."

Jerry:
All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe I'm doing this.

George:
Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie if you believe it.

Jerry:
I'm going on record right now that was my last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her.

Elaine:
Why?

Jerry:
Well, frankly, outside of a sexual relationship, I don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking either, but one step at a time. If you could say touch her breast as part of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little bit better.

Elaine:
How about an intercourse hello? How would that be?

Jerry:
Elaine, now you're just being ridiculous.

Jerry:
You think I want another family? My father's demanding my uncle pay interest on fifty dollars he was supposed to give my mother in 1941 and my uncle put my nana in a home to try and shut her up! And I'll tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer, whatever you wanna be called. The kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing, and I don't care what the consequences are. [Suddenly, Kramer grabs Jerry, pulls him in and kisses him full on the mouth. George half-enters. Kramer releases Jerry, who stares at him in shock. George stands in the doorway and looks between Jerry and Kramer without saying a word. He has a "Well, what do you know?" expression on his face. He slowly backs out of the doorway and closes it behind him]

George:
[realizing that his girlfriend doesn't care what he looks like or what he wears] You know Jerry; I've been searching for someone a long time. Well, the search is over.

Jerry:
And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins.

George:
So, did you get your new plates?

Kramer:
Oh... yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.

George:
What do they say?

Kramer:
Assman.

Jerry:
Assman?

Kramer:
Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!

Jerry:
Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?

George:
Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.

Jerry:
It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.

Kramer:
Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.

Jerry:
Yeah. Proctologist.

George:
Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.

Kramer:
Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one!"

Jerry:
So, what're you doing about Morgan?

George:
You know, what would be great? If she could see me with some of my black friends.

Jerry:
Yeah except you don't really have any black friends. Outside of us, you don't have any white friends either.