Sherlock, Series 4

Mycroft Holmes [reading Sherlock’s tweets]:
“Back on Terra firma.”

Sherlock Holmes:
Don’t read them out.

Mycroft Holmes:
“Free as a bird.”

Sherlock Holmes:
God, you’re such a spoilsport.

Mycroft Holmes:
Will you take this matter seriously, Sherlock?

Sherlock Holmes:
I am! What makes you think I’m not taking it seriously?

Mycroft Holmes:
“#OhWhatABeautifulMorning”

Sherlock Holmes [about Moriarty]:
He’s planned something, something long-term. Something that would take effect if he never made it off that rooftop alive. Posthumous revenge. No, better than that – posthumous game.

Sherlock Holmes [voiceover]:
There was once a merchant in the famous market at Baghdad. One day he saw a stranger looking at him in surprise and he knew that the stranger was Death. Pale and trembling, the merchant fled the marketplace and made his way many, many miles to the city of Samarra, for there he was sure Death could not find him. But when at last he came to Samarra, the merchant saw, waiting for him, the grim figure of Death. “Very well,” said the merchant. “I give in. I am yours. But tell me, why did you look surprised when you saw me this morning in Baghdad?”, “Because,” said Death, “I had an appointment with you tonight – in Samarra.”

‘The Duplicate Man – How could Dennis Parkinson be in two places at the same time? And murder one of them?’

John Watson:
Sherlock…

Sherlock Holmes:
It’s never twins.

John Watson:
A jellyfish?

Sherlock Holmes:
I know.

John Watson:
You can’t arrest a jellyfish.

Sherlock Holmes:
You could try.

John Watson:
We did try.

John Watson [to Sherlock]:
Godfather, we’d like you to be godfather.

Sherlock Holmes:
God is a ludicrous fiction, dreamt up by inadequates who abnegate all responsibility to an invisible magic friend.

John Watson:
Yeah, but there’ll be cake. Will you do it?

Sherlock Holmes:
I’ll get back to you.

Molly Hooper:
Didn’t you get John’s text?

Sherlock Holmes:
No. I delete his texts. I delete any text that begins “Hi.”

Molly Hooper:
No idea why people think you’re incapable of human emotion.

Sherlock Holmes [to Rosamund]:
As ever, Watson, you see but do not observe. To you, the world remains an impenetrable mystery, whereas, to me, it is an open book. Hard logic versus romantic whimsy – that is your choice. You fail to connect actions to their consequences. Now, for the last time, if you want to keep the rattle, do not throw the rattle.

Sherlock Holmes:
Take all the credit. It gets boring if I just solve them all.

Lestrade:
Yeah, you say that, but then John blogs about it, and you get all the credit anyway.

John Watson:
He’s got a point.

Lestrade:
Which makes me look like some kind of prima Donna who insists on getting credit for something he didn’t do!

John Watson:
Well, I think you’ve hit a sore spot, Sherlock.

Lestrade:
Like I’m some kind of credit junkie.

John Watson:
Definitely a sore spot.

Lestrade:
You’re at the beck and call of a screaming, demanding baby, woken up at all hours to obey its every whim. Must feel very different…

Sherlock Holmes:
Sorry, what?

John Watson:
Yes, well, you know how it is. All you do is clean up their mess, pat them on the head.

Sherlock Holmes:
Are you two having a little joke?

John Watson:
Never a word of thanks. Can’t even tell people’s faces apart.

Sherlock Holmes:
This is a joke, isn’t it?

Lestrade:
Yeah, and it’s all, “Oh, aren’t you clever. You’re so, so clever.”

Sherlock Holmes:
Is it about me?

Lestrade:
I think he needs winding.

John Watson:
You know, I think that really might be it.

Sherlock Holmes:
No, don’t get it.

Mary Watson [about a case] And what are you going to call this one?

John Watson:
Oh, the Ghost Driver.

Sherlock Holmes:
Don’t give it a title.

John Watson:
People like the titles.

Sherlock Holmes:
They hate the titles.

John Watson:
Give the people what they want.

Sherlock Holmes:
No, never do that – people are stupid.

Sherlock Holmes:
Intuitions are not to be ignored, John. They represent data processed too fast for the conscious mind to comprehend.

Mrs Welsborough [about Sherlock]:
Is your friend quite mad?

John Watson:
No, he’s an arsehole, but it’s an easy mistake.

Sherlock Holmes:
I can’t stand it, never can. There’s a loose thread in the world.

John Watson:
It doesn’t mean you have to pull on it.

Sherlock Holmes:
What kind of a life would that be?

Mycroft Holmes [looking at a screen]:
Why am I looking at this?

Sherlock Holmes:
That’s her, John and Mary’s baby.

Mycroft Holmes:
Oh, I see, yes. Looks very… fully functioning.

Sherlock Holmes:
Is that really the best you can do?

Mycroft Holmes:
Sorry, I’ve never been very good with them.

Sherlock Holmes:
Babies?

Mycroft Holmes:
Humans.

Mycroft Holmes:
Are you having a premonition, brother mine?

Sherlock Holmes:
The world is woven from billions of lives, every strand crossing every other. What we call premonition is just movement of the web. If you could attenuate to every strand of quivering data, the future would be entirely calculable. As inevitable as mathematics.

Sherlock Holmes:
What is that? [balloon with a face drawn on it]

John Watson:
That is… me. Well, it’s a me substitute.

Sherlock Holmes:
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You know I value your little contributions.

John Watson:
Yeah? It’s been there since nine this morning.

Sherlock Holmes:
Has it? Where were you?

John Watson:
Helping Mrs H with her Sudoku.

Lestrade:
What’s wrong? I thought you’d be pleased.

Sherlock Holmes:
I am pleased.

Lestrade:
You don’t look pleased.

Sherlock Holmes:
This is my game face. And the game is on.

Sherlock Holmes [about Greg’s date]:
Trust me, though, she’s not right for you.

Lestrade:
What?

Sherlock Holmes:
She’s not the one.

Lestrade:
Well, thank you, Mystic Meg.

John Watson:
How do you work all that out?

Sherlock Holmes:
She’s got three children in Rio that he doesn’t know about.

John Watson:
Are you just making this up?

Sherlock Holmes:
Possibly.

John Watson:
Hang on, Mary’s better than me?

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, she is a retired super-agent with a terrifying skill-set. Of course she’s better.

John Watson:
Yeah, OK.

Sherlock Holmes:
Nothing personal.

John Watson:
What, so I’m supposed to just go home now, am I?

Mary Watson:
What do you think, Sherlock? Shall we take him with us?

Sherlock Holmes:
John or the dog?

John Watson:
Ha-ha, that’s funny!

Mary Watson:
John.

Sherlock Holmes:
Well…

Mary Watson:
He’s handy and loyal.

John Watson:
That’s hilarious. Is it too early for a divorce?

Sherlock Holmes [voiceover]:
When does the path we walk on lock around our feet? When does the road become a river with only one destination? Death waits for us all in Samarra. But can Samarra be avoided?

Sherlock:
Stop talking, it makes me aware of your existence.

John:
I need a second opinion.

Sherlock:
Oh, John, calm down. When have you ever managed two opinions? You'd fall over.

Sherlock:
You can keep your scars.

Faith (Eurus):
You're not what I expected Mr. Holmes. You're - nicer.

Sherlock:
I'm not nice. I'm just high.

Sherlock:
Taking your own life. Interesting expression - taking it from who? Once it's over, it's not you who'll miss it. Your own death is something that happens to everybody else. Your life is not your own. Keep your hands off it.

Sherlock:
I have known many people in this world, but made few friends, and I can safely say-

John:
-I cheated on her.

Sherlock:
...

John:
No clever comeback?

Sherlock:
...

John:
[talking to Mary] I cheated on you, Mary. There was a woman on the bus, and I had a plastic daisy in my hair, I'd been playing with Rosie. And this girl just smiled at me. That's all it was, it was a smile. We texted, constantly. You want to know when? Every time you left the room, that's when. When you were feeding our daughter. When you were stopping her from crying, that's when. And that's all it was. Just texting. But I wanted more. And do you know something? I still do. I'm not the man you thought I was, I'm not that guy. I never could be. But that's the point. [voice breaking] That's the whole point. Who you thought I was...is the man who I want to be.

Mary:
Well, then...John Watson... [smiling] Get the hell on with it.

[Mary disappears. John lowers his head into his hand and begins to weep. Sherlock gets up and gently embraces him]

Sherlock:
It's okay.

John:
[crying] It's not okay.

Sherlock:
No...But it is what it is.

Sherlock:
It's not a pleasant thought, John. I have this terrible feeling from time to time that we might all just be human.

John:
Even you?

Sherlock:
No. Even you.

Sherlock:
I'm Sherlock Holmes. I wear the damn hat.

John:
Who are you?

Eurus:
Isn't it obvious? Haven't you guessed? I'm Eurus.

John:
Eurus?

Eurus:
Silly name, isn't it? Greek. Means the "East Wind." My parents loved silly names, like Eurus, or Mycroft, or Sherlock.

[John is shocked at the revelation]

Eurus:
Oh, look at him. Didn't it ever occur to you, not even once, that Sherlock's secret brother might just be Sherlock's secret sister? Huh? He's making a funny face. I think I'll put a hole in it. [pulls the trigger]

Mycroft:
(after being subjected to a staged event intended to suggest that Eurus is attacking him) Doctor Watson, why would he do that to me? That was insane!

Watson:
Er, yes, well, someone convinced him that you wouldn't tell the truth unless you were actually wetting yourself.

Mycroft:
Someone?

Watson:
Probably me.

Mycroft:
So that's it, is it? You're just going?

Watson:
Well don't worry. There's a place for people like you; the desperate, the terrified, the ones with nowhere else to run.

Mycroft:
What place?

Watson:
221B Baker Street. See you in the morning. If there's a queue, join it.

Mycroft:
(to Watson) This is a private matter.

Sherlock:
John stays.

Mycroft:
This is family.

Sherlock:
THAT'S. WHY. HE STAYS.

Little Eurus:
You look funny grown up.

Watson:
What’s wrong?

Mycroft:
Sorry. The memories are disturbing.

Sherlock:
What do you mean? Examples?

Mycroft:
They found her with a knife once. She seemed to be cutting herself. Mother and Father were terrified; they thought it was a suicide attempt. But when I asked Eurus what she was doing, she said-

Little Eurus:
I wanted to see how my muscles worked.

Watson:
Jesus.

Mycroft:
So, I asked her if she felt pain and she said-

Little Eurus:
Which one’s pain?

Moriarty:
I wrote my own version of the Nativity when I was a child, "The Hungry Donkey". It was a bit gory, but if you're going to put a baby in a manger, you're asking for trouble.

Mary Watson (on pre-recorded DVD):
PS. I know you two. And if I'm gone, I know what you could become, because I know who you really are; a junkie who solves crimes to get high, and the doctor who never came home from the war. Well, you listen to me. Who you really are, it doesn't matter; it's all about the legend. The stories, the adventures. There is a last refuge for the desperate, the unloved, the persecuted. There is a final court of appeal for everyone. When life gets too strange, too impossible, too frightening, there is always one last hope. When all else fails, there are two men sitting, arguing in a scruffy flat, like they've always been there and they always will. The best and wisest men I have ever known. My Baker Street Boys; Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson.

The Science of Deduction: I'm Sherlock Holmes, the world's only consulting detective. I'm not going to go into detail about how I do what I do because chances are you wouldn't understand. If you've got a problem that you want me to solve, then contact me. Interesting cases only please. This is what I do: