Six Feet Under, Season 2

Rico:
Now, this is a beautiful and unusual cremains vessel. The ashes actually fill these dolphins, which are carved out inside.

Brody:
She wasn't really into dolphins. I remember somebody suggesting she boycott tuna, y'know, because of the whole dolphins-getting-caught-in-the-net thing. And she said, "F*** dolphins, I want a Niçoise salad."

Gabriel:
I was in school today. I just wasn't in American History. I mean, who needs to know that shit anyways?

Claire:
Well, somebody who wants to have some concept of how the world works so they can have a f***ing chance in life.

Pastor:
We tend to forget how many gifts God has given each and every one of us because our lives are so filled with distractions, crowded with messages competing for out attention, encouraging us to be unhappy with our lives. If only we looked younger, had perfect skin, zero body fat. The truth of the matter is, God loves us just the way we are.

Brody:
[singing] Tiny Venus, your breath like baby rabbits on a field abuzz with bees and life. Little did you know how briefly the sun would shine upon your own private utopia. Your candle may have been blown out, but you hang in the air like smoke.

Nate:
All that lives, lives forever. Only the shell, the perishable passes away. The spirit is without end. Eternal. Deathless.

Nate:
Everything's bad for something.

Brenda:
That's the thing about depression: if you really allow yourself to feel it, it gets very boring very fast.

Mrs. Piper:
I'm a psychic, so, y'know …

David:
Wow, that must be very interesting.

Mrs. Piper:
It's just more information.

Claire:
You know, it's polite for the first person downstairs to make the coffee even if that person has a penis!

Nate:
Well, you know, it's also polite for the first person who uses the bathroom to spend less than 45 minutes in there even if that person has a vulva.

Ruth:
[entering] Oh goodness, everyone's here.

David:
With all their genitalia.

Gary:
No one can ever solve someone else's life.

Claire:
So basically, your job is pointless.

Gary:
No one but a guidance counselor, I mean.

Ruth:
You want me to complain? Alright then, F*** this. F*** you; f*** all of you and your sniveling self pity, and f*** all your lousy parents. F*** my lousy parents while were at it. F*** my selfish, bohemian sister and her f***ing bliss. F*** my legless grandmother. F*** my dead husband, and my lousy children with their nasty little secrets. And f*** you Robby for dragging me to this terrible place and not letting me have a snickers bar. I'm going to get something to eat!

Brenda:
Academia is one huge circle jerk. All the sequestered people desperately defending the one good idea they have had in their lives.

Nate:
What about you saying that things happen that leave marks … in people, in space, in time?

Brenda:
Yeah, that's physics. Energy affecting matter. Talking to dead people is delusional.

Nate:
So you definitely don't believe in any kind of a life after death?

Brenda:
I think people live on through the people they love and the things they do with their lives … if they manage to do things with their lives.

Nate:
But that's it, that's it? That's all there is, there's nothing more, there's nothing like bigger?

Brenda:
Just energy.

Nate:
But there's no plan, no-

Brenda:
No, there's definitely no plan. Just survival. Should I have ordered the salmon?

Nate:
Uh, I don't know. How can you live like that? I mean, what if you found out you were gonna die tomorrow?

Brenda:
I've been prepared to die tomorrow since I was six years old.

Nate:
Really?

Brenda:
Yeah, pretty much. We never got butter.

Nate:
Well, why, since you were six?

Brenda:
Because I read a report on the effect nuclear war would have on the world, and it was pretty clear to me at that point that this was definitely gonna happen.

Nate:
When you were six?

Brenda:
And I wake up every day pretty much surprised that, um … everything is still here.

Nate:
Well, I don't understand how you can live like that.

Brenda:
Well, I thought we all did.

Nathan:
The only god I know is a mean-spirited comedian in ugly pants whose every joke has the same damn punchline.

Nate:
Yeah, I'll have a double dub - uh - uh - a - a Chubby - a double Chubby - a Chubby Chubby - a double double - a double chubby - a chubby chubby - a chub - I'll have a doub - I'll have a double Chubby cheeseburger. [scrunches eyes, having a major headache] Oh, f*** me!

David:
Maybe Emily Previn was autistic. I read an article once about a high-functioning autistic person who didn't need people. She just had a job designing these big cattle slaughterhouses. At night, she came home and sat in a machine that made her feel like she was being hugged. And that was all the intimacy she needed.

Nate:
That's really upsetting.

Claire:
I don't see why this person has to be mentally ill just because she had a life that doesn't conform to some familiar image that we have in our heads. Maybe she was living the life she wanted. The life without the hassle of other people.

Ruth:
What kind of a life is that?

Brenda:
You know, it's just so sad that you can love somebody so much and have absolutely no idea what's going on in their head.

[Brenda tells her massage client to roll onto his back. When he does so, she notices that he has an erection.]

Client:
Sorry. Happens to me all the time.

Brenda:
Nothing I haven't seen before, so don't be embarrassed.

Client:
Who said I'm embarrassed?

Brenda:
Hm. [laughs gently, tries to go back to her work] Okay. [stares at his erect penis and then at him. Puts her hand on it and gives him a strong handjob.]

[Nate and Brenda are talking about the book she is writing.]

Nate:
Well, who's Christina? Is that your fictional alter ego? Your Holden Caulfield?

Brenda:
She's more like my Humbert Humbert. [Nate stares blankly] You know, my Constance Chatterley. [Nate looks slightly confused] She's like Hermione in the Harry Potter books.

Nate:
What would you rather have: some overly-educated gasbag like Trevor … or a semi-literate f*** machine like me? Come on.

Brenda:
That's a no-brainer, no pun intended.

Rabbi:
Maybe your soulmate is the one who forces your soul to grow the most?

Rabbi:
Better is one day in this life than all eternity in the world to come.

[Brenda browses through clothes in a department store when a saleswoman approaches her.]

Saleswoman:
Anything I can help you with?

Brenda:
Yes, I'm looking for clothes so expensive only an idiot would buy them. [walks over to a skirt] Oh, there they are! [saleswoman walks away angrily]

[A male shopper smiles at Brenda as she buys clothes. They slowly approach each other.]

Brenda:
Excuse me. [reaching for a skirt]

Man:
Be my guest. [Brenda slowly puts her hand on his and lightly brushes it with her fingertips. He reacts by slowly putting his hand on her butt. Brenda thinks for a moment and then moves his hand to her front and puts it up her dress. He starts giving her a handjob below her dress.]

Saleswoman:
Excuse me. Your wife would like you to see how she looks in her Jill Sanders sweater. [the man leaves.] And I think you should leave, or I'll have to call Security.

Brenda:
[leaving] Do you validate?

Nate:
Oh, you know what? You don't want to be with me, then don't, alright?

Brenda:
Nate, I'm kidding, come on... Of course I want to be with you, I love you!

Nate:
Yeah? Well then why do you treat me like shit all the time?

Brenda:
Because I had a really f***ed up life and I use sarcasm to hide how ridiculously vulnerable I really am... Hey, come on, Jesus, you know that.

Brenda:
All we have is this moment, right here, right now. The future is just a f***ing concept that we use to avoid being alive today. So be here... now.

[During an intake, the stepmother and the daughters are bickering over the decedent's request to be buried beside his first wife.]

Daughter #1:
It's what our father wanted.

Stepmother:
No, it's what you want, because you never liked me!

Daughter #1:
Well, you got that right.

Stepmother:
You hate that you couldn't control your father when he was alive, and now you're trying to do it when he's dead.

Daughter #2:
It was his decision!

David:
There is a significant unpaid balance on the account.

Daughter #1:
We'll pay for it!

Stepmother:
If you take one cent from him, you'll be hearing from my attorney!

David:
I really don't think that's necessary.

Stepmother:
Oh, no? I gave the last six years of my life to that man; and contrary to what these stupid bitches think, I really did love him and I will not be humiliated like this!

Daughter #2:
Yeah, well, if you do not follow our father's instructions exactly, you'll be hearing from our attorney, who used to work for Disney.

Stepmother:
Oh, bring it on, ferret face!

Daughter #2:
Oh, f*** you, you gold-digging slut!

Stepmother:
How dare you!

Daughter #2:
There are naked pictures of you on the Internet! My son showed them to me!

Nate:
Shut up! All of you, shut the f*** up! Jesus Christ, a man died. Your husband, your father lived a life, and now he's dead. Show some respect.

Billy:
I'm not saying that you did it on purpose! But I do think we need to disengage from each other, because our relationship is really toxic.

Ruth:
So, what's new?

Brenda:
Actually, I spent all night doing it with this couple from Orange County. And I have absolutely no idea why.

Margaret:
More punch, anyone?

Claire:
Sure, I'll take another hit.

Margaret:
Are you sick, dear, or are you always this deathly pale?

Dr. Michaelson:
[as imagined by Brenda] I'm sorry, but I don't think I can help you because you don't need any help. You've clearly evolved beyond the need for therapy. I'm actually in awe of you because I'd be f***ing strangers like a truck-stop whore on crack if I wasn't so inhibited by my pathetic Judeo-Christian upbringing.

Claire:
If we live our lives the right way, then every single thing we do becomes a work of art.

Brenda:
[after sex] Okay, you guys need to go now.

Short Stoner:
Okay, then.

Tall Stoner:
Hm, can I have your number?

Brenda:
Why? So we can date?

Tall Stoner:
[as they leave] Late.'

Ruth:
Claire, are you depressed?

Claire:
I'm not even going to answer that question.

Ruth:
Well, whatever you're going through, I hope you don't blame me.

Ruth:
I would like to go on record as saying I am in full support of you going to art school.

Claire:
Consider it recorded. But I'm just taking a tour. Let's not get our panties in a wad over it.

[Keith cleans the house and David combs Taylor's hair for a social worker's visit.]

David:
What are you looking for?

Keith:
Anything that seems too, uh … funny.

David:
Funny "ha-ha," or funny gay?

Ruth:
Clearly there's something wrong with me that you hide something like this from me, your brother and sister knew for months.

Nate:
I wanted to protect you …

Ruth:
You're not supposed to protect me. I'm supposed to protect you. That's what a mother does. She tries. Most of the time she fails, but how are you ever going to feel loved if you don't ever let me try?

Nate:
I do. I do feel loved.

Ruth:
[crying] There's just so many months I could have loved you better.

Nate:
You loved me fine.

Ruth:
You're everything … you're everything to me, and you don't even know it.

Nate:
[crying] Oh, God, I don't wanna go. Oh, I can't do this. I can't!

Ruth:
I won't let you go. I'll never let you go.

Phil:
Come back tomorrow noon, we'll torch him then.

Parker:
That little Indian bitch turned herself in so that she wouldn't come back as a rodent.

Claire:
[on Nikolai] How thrilled are we that we never have to call him "Daddy"?

David:
Thank God she snapped out of it.