Six Feet Under, Season 4

Ruth:
[after sex] Do you think we were too loud?

George:
It's possible that we were too loud, yes.

Keith:
What's so strange?

David:
I don't know … the thought that I just got blown in the same bed where my mom used to read me the "Runaway Bunny."

Nate:
So, Keith.

David:
So what about him?

Nate:
You guys are back together?

David:
No.

Nate:
He was there this morning.

David:
He was a little drunk last night, I let him stay over. I was being polite.

Nate:
Polite and horny.

Barb:
Lisa didn't believe in borders, and that is why I know that wherever Lisa is right now, she's everywhere! She's everywhere, and that means she's home!

[Claire has just told Russell she was pregnant by him and has had an abortion.]

Claire:
Look, I'm sorry. I didn't …

Russell:
Just give me a second, okay? … Just give me a second to get used to the idea of living with this for the rest of my life.

Claire:
Are you f***ing kidding me?

Russell:
No, I'm not kidding you, Claire! It's f***ing sad! It's f***ing sad and it's f***ed up. I mean, did you cry? Did you?

Claire:
I cried more than you have ever cried in your whole life.

Russell:
[breaks down] Then give me a f***ing second to feel bad about this, okay? Just a motherf***ing second!

Ruth:
Who in the world would send you feces in the mail?

Nate:
I can't do this any more!

David:
What are you saying?

Nate:
I'm saying I quit. I've got to find another kind of life for myself. And not just for myself, but for Maya, too.

George:
Did you know that the average American changes careers seven times during his or her lifetime?

David:
Is that information supposed to be useful in some way, George?

George:
It's just a fact.

Nate:
I quit my job.

Nathaniel Sr.:
I quit my f***ing life.

Nate:
No, you got fired.

Edie:
Here's a poem dedicated to every guy I've ever been with: "Your Penis Is Kinda Nice, Too Bad You're Attached to It!"

Keith:
[about Arthur] Maybe we should buy him a whole new wardrobe. Do they ever do that? Queer Eye for the Gay Guy.

David:
I don't think Arthur's gay. I think he's A.

Keith:
I don't know. I think asexual people are asexual because they don't wanna come out of the closet.

Claire:
Geology is controversial?

George:
Oil, Claire, oil!

Rico:
[while embalming a girl whose face is set in a laughing expression] This one won't stop smiling. Wish I knew what the f*** was so funny!

Anita:
[about Russell] I could have sworn he was gay. He's knitting!

Claire:
Haven't you noticed a lot of straight guys knit these days? It's like a macho thing. Like, "I'm so straight I can even knit!"

Arthur:
I could never send you poo! Ever!

Margaret:
Oh, Brenda's feeling eggy.

Ruth:
[about George's other son] Why have you never told me this?

George:
Because he's never really been part of my life.

Ruth:
If he's sending us shit in the mail, he is a part of your life!

Russell:
[watching a documentary about cave paintings] That's where everything started. In those cave paintings there was the creation of the idea of image, of the representation of ourselves.

Claire:
Exactly. That's when we stopped living inside nature and started living inside our heads.

Anita:
Yeah, just while we can just sit back and watch while greedy corporate Bush suckers destroy nature, since we're no longer a part of it.

Russell:
If you take humans out of nature, then all there are left with is human nature.

Claire:
Okay, that sounds really good, but what the f*** does that mean?

David:
[consulting Keith what to wear on the job] Helmut Lang jeans, black tee-shirt - the faded Banana Republic one with the stretch - and black lace-up boots.

Keith:
David, this is a profession, okay? There's an image to project. That image isn't f***ing Keith of Finland.

David:
Are you not out on the job?

Keith:
No one's ever asked.

David:
You big whore!

David:
[taping an answering machine message] Hi! You've reached David and Keith, but we can't come to the phone right now because we're too gay!

David:
[trying to catch the dog] Charlie! Here, boy, I got a cookie. I got a cookie for you!

Jake:
Don't lie to my dog!

Margaret:
Sex is something you should feel, not something you should think!

Brenda:
Yeah, well, I have to think to keep from behaving in a compulsive and destructive manner thanks to my early exposure to compulsive and destructive sexual energy, thank you very much.

Margaret:
[about her vaginal rejuvenation surgery] I mean, come on! No one wants to f*** a glass of water, if you know what I'm saying.

Keith:
[on phone with David] Honey, forget about it. You're just feeling needy right now.

David:
Honey? When do you ever call me honey? Because you don't want them to know you're talking to a guy. Jesus, why don't you just call me Darlene?

Art Student:
Is this more lesbian stuff?

Art Teacher:
Yes, I have to meet my quota so I get my toaster oven.

Ruth:
I want to know why your other wives left you!

George:
Because they asked too many f***ing questions!

George:
[about David's new cellphone] Well, it's the one good thing about getting robbed, right? It's a great excuse for getting a new gadget.

David:
I hope it happens again so I can get a new palm pilot!

Claire:
The world is ending out there, and people are just getting cosmetic surgery and watching debutantes get screwed up the ass.

George:
The greenhouse effect will definitely come to pass if we start to burn coal as oil supplies dwindle over the next twenty years, but I don't think even we could be that stupid!

Keith:
David, you can take a little more time off.

David:
Four days of daytime TV is my personal limit, okay? If I see another triumph over weight loss, I think I'll kill myself!

Keith:
Javier, I'm gay. I have a boyfriend. I sleep with men, okay? I have a lot of sex, and it's really, really gay.

Celeste:
[to Keith] Why didn't you tell me you were gay, bitch?

David:
[on phone with Keith] Sorry to bother you. And if anybody gets mad, just tell them your wife is on her woman's time. They'll feel bad for you that I'm such a bitch when I'm on the rag. Good night!

David:
I don't need my baby sister baby-sitting me any more!

Edie:
I don't understand what's changed.

Claire:
Nothing's changed. Part of me thinks this is what I want and part of me thinks it isn't, but … what if the part who thinks it isn't feels that way because I'm scared?

Claire:
It's so much easier to be gay.

David:
Oh no!

Claire:
Yeah, I'd have a really defined subculture.

David:
Overrated!

Claire:
We're both women, I'd have some idea of what she was thinking and feeling.

David:
Not necessarily.

Claire:
I wouldn't have to deal with unfamiliar sex organs.

David:
They're all unfamiliar unless they're yours.

George:
If you have no interest in the past and you don't read history, how can you possibly comprehend the present?

Anita:
George, history is not what really happened. History is some stupid war-mongering patriarchal idea of what happened! Who gives a shit about that?

Ruth:
[to George] I'm your seventh spouse. How much more warning do I need?

Celeste:
I don't get f***ed in the ass.

Keith:
That makes one of us.

Keith:
I slept with Celeste.

David:
Okay, bullshit. Celeste is a woman … [confused] isn't she?

Nathaniel Sr.:
[as the Death Man] Nobody stays!

George:
Life is a series of accidents.

Brenda:
Did anything bad ever happen to someone you love on a bridge?

Patient:
No, but they collapse all the time. If you Google "bridge collapses," you get, like, 1000 hits.

Russell:
Why are you looking at me like I'm some kind of retard?

Claire:
Because I swear, Russell, sometimes you are. And for your information, labia are not internal organs.

Billy:
What's going on with you?

Claire:
l don't know. l guess l'm depressed. l don't think it's clinical, but l just can't seem to have a normal healthy relationship with another person.

Billy:
Right. Get in line. Nobody has normal healthy relationships. My theory, which l have yet to put into practice, is to pick someone slightly less crazier than you are.

Claire:
Society propagates this vision of people hooking up and staying together forever. ln reality, how often does that actually happen?

David:
It's just so absurd. The idea that there are kids waiting for homes, and people still have the nerve to say who's good enough, and who isn't based on are you gay or not.

Keith:
People are stupid. What a shock.

Keith:
[to David] You're in my will, I'm in yours. We basically are married even if the law refuses to recognize it. But then again, I refuse to recognize most of the Bush administration, so I guess it all evens out.

Edie:
The world's not your own private f***ing chemistry set. Just stay away from me!

[Bettina and Ruth are playing Scrabble.]

Bettina:
I have colitis.

Ruth:
Oh, no.

Bettina:
C-O-L-I-T-I-S.

[Talking about Lisa's internment.]

Brenda:
Well, when you think about it, this ceremony does the same thing. You want to go so that when Maya grows up you can say that you were there.

Roger:
[to Keith] You better go find your boyfriend before he bites my cat or something.

Vanessa:
Oh please, she smoked a little pot in high school. We all did.

Rico:
I didn't!

Vanessa:
I know, Rico, 'cause you were boring.

Olivier:
Of course, they're going to say nice things about you; they're your kids. But me, I'm a miserable prick who cares nothing about anybody but himself; and I look at you in your hospital bed, tired and worn-out from surgery and I selfishly wonder "How long must I wait before I can f*** you?"

Margaret:
Wow. Finally somebody said something right.

Brenda:
It would have been weird if I'd said it.

Billy:
Not in this family.

Margaret:
Darlings, could you give us a moment?

Brenda:
Oh, Mom, you're not going to -

Margaret:
I just want to be with Olivier for a minute.

Brenda:
I really don't feel like making dinner for a woman who hates me.

George:
I hope those people aren't going to be here.

Ruth:
I think they're just celebrity spokespeople.

George:
They're celebrities?

Olivier:
I toast you with this shitty wine.

Margaret:
Everyone should drop an organ. After the first shock, it's positively liberating!

Nate:
I hit a new low. I made the bereaved vomit.

Keith:
[about Jake] If you could do anything, what would you do?

David:
I'd tell him what I think of him and what he did to me, that evil, evil f***.

Keith:
Well, you can do that!

David:
I know. I said it all to the therapy pillow.

Nathaniel Sr.:
You're missing the point.

David:
There is no point, that's the point... Isn't it?

Nathaniel Sr.:
Don't give me this phony existential bullshit, I expect better from you. The point's right in front of your face.

David:
Well, I'm sorry but I don't see it.

Nathaniel Sr.:
You aren't even grateful, are you?

David:
Grateful? For the worst f***ing experience of my life?

Nathaniel Sr.:
You hang onto your pain like it means something, like it's worth something. Well, let me tell 'ya, it's not worth shit. Let it go. Infinite possibilities, and all he can do is whine.

David:
Well, what am I supposed to do?

Nathaniel Sr.:
What do you think? You can do anything, you lucky bastard, you're alive! What's a little pain compared to that?

David:
It can't be so simple.

Nathaniel Sr.:
[putting his arm around David and pulling him closer] What if it is?