Soap, Season 2

Chester:
[Alone in the kitchen, talking to himself] Well, that's it. I can't go on. My life is over. My wife is in jail, the only woman I ever really loved. My career is over. I'll be in jail for embezzlement. I can't go on. Might as well... end it all. I'll leave a note. Paper, I need paper. The important thing is how to do it. I want it quick, quiet, and with no pain. I want it... pleasant. Oh, that's wonderful, Tate - you want a pleasant suicide. Why not have it catered?

Jessica:
I'm scared, Benson. I mean, every once in a while it just kinda hits me - I'm on my way to the big home for a mur...

Benson:
House, house - big house.

Jessica:
Yeah, right, for a murder I did not commit. I mean, me, Benson. This is not Barbara Feldon in that movie of the week.

Benson:
Eden, Barbara Eden.

Jessica:
Right. And here I am and it isn't a movie and it isn't Barbara Eden in the slam, but me.

Benson:
Slammer.

Elaine Lefkowitz-Dallas:
You - you better move it. The rabbi said he's gotta leave in ten minutes. He's got a bar mitzvah, two funerals, a bris, and tickets to Pippin.

Charles Lefkowitz:
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to make a toast. This is an occasion I've looked forward to for a very long time - the marriage of my daughter. When my wife died, I promised her on her deathbed I would take care of Elaine until the day she married, that she would never want for anything. I've kept that promise! And so I hand my daughter over to a fine young man who from now on will take care of her... because I'm completely cutting her off! She'll never get another penny or hear another word from me for as long as I live, because she is a disgusting person, and nothing thrills me more than to be rid of her forever. L'Chaim!

Dutch Leitner:
Remember, one word, one word from anybody [points a gun at Chester] ...and he dies.

Benson:
Anything in particular we'd have to say?

Jodie:
[about Mary] I don't know what to do about it.

Burt:
Just do it a few more times you'll be hooked - it's like pretzels!

Burt:
Seven of my men are gonna be off today because it's a Jewish holiday and I'm gonna have to do all their jobs. You know, what kills me is I don't think they're all Jewish - two of 'em are black and one's an Indian.

Burt:
We're going to kill Elaine with kindness.

Mary:
Kill her with kindness?

Burt:
Right. See Danny's not going to let her dress, eat, or sleep, because nothing's ever good enough for her, and since it;s out of love, she can't get mad at him.

Mary:
If it doesn't work, can I just kill her?

Burt:
Sure.

Sally:
If Al Pacino ever saw you, he'd probably never leave his house again. I mean, why bother?

Danny:
Well, I don't know about that.

Sally:
Believe me.

Danny:
[smirks] He is a little short, I hear.

Burt:
A break is fine, but I don't think it's a good idea for guys on girders forty stories up to be horsing around with a Frisbee.

[Danny and Elaine have been fighting since their marriage]

Elaine:
I don't hate you, Danny.

Danny:
Well, you give the best damn impression of it I've ever seen.

Elaine:
I know.

Danny:
Why do you do that, Elaine? Why do you treat people that way?

Elaine:
It's a long story.

Danny:
I got time.

Elaine:
I had a sister, once. She was a couple of years older than me. Her name was Diana. She was bright and beautiful and good and kind. She was one of these people that made everyone around her feel good. When she was sixteen, she was killed in a car accident. The night she died, my father, in his grief said to me: "Why wasn't it you?" So, may mother was dead and my sister was dead and my father, who I loved more than anyone else in the world, wished I was dead... and I got angry. I got angry and cold and mean. And I decided then never to love anyone again.

Danny:
Oh, Elaine... I didn't know.

Elaine:
I love you, Danny. And maybe someday, if it's not already too late, you'll love me.

Mary:
What's been going on with you three?

Jessica:
Well, Eunice is depressed and Corinne is depressed and I was just debating whether or not to join them.

Mary:
Sounds like fun.

Jessica:
Actually, I think I've been depressed quite a lot lately. I mean, I eat a lot and I just simply cannot sit still.

Corinne:
I don't think you're depressed, ma. I think you're horny.

Jessica:
Dutch, tell me: did you really kill a man?

Dutch:
Yeah.

Jessica:
Dead? You shot him dead?

Dutch:
That's usually what happens in a successful killing.

Jessica:
Of course.

Dutch:
You see, what happened is that when I got out of the Navy, I borrowed some money to go into business. The banks all turned me down for a loan, so I went to a local loan company. They gave me $5000 at a very high rate of interest. In the first week, when I couldn't come up with the dough, they broke my fingers. The second week, they broke my nose, two ribs and my knee. Plus the guy who was beating me up had a very bad cold, so I ended up with a terrible cough. The next week, they was gonna break my head, but I convinced them not to.

Jessica:
How?

Dutch:
Well, I talked to them for a while and then I shot 'em.

Jessica:
I think that should be considered self-defense.

Dutch:
It was, but the guy who owned the loan company turned out to be the Chief of Police.

[Following his brain surgery, Chester is having severe memory problems]

Chester:
It's all lost to me. My past, my future... it's all gone! I try. I try so hard to remember. I can't. I'm so afraid if I don't remember soon, you'll have me put away. You've all been so good to me. I must have been some guy to have such a beautiful bunch of people love me the way you do.

Jessica:
Chester.

Chester:
It's agony. To know I have a wonderful son and daughters and a wife and not know who they are. Sometimes, I swear... it's almost too much to bear.

Jessica:
Oh, Chester. I just know that someday you'll remember.

Chester:
Remember what?

Mary:
It's pornography.

Jessica:
Not only that, Mary, but nobody has any clothes on!

[Burt, Danny, Jodie, Chuck and Bob are all drunk in a bar]

Burt:
Life plays funny tricks.

Bob:
[to Chuck] Oh, god, he's gonna make a speech. Spare me, please.

Danny:
Don't mind him, Burt, he's drunk.

Burt:
You see, what happens in life is this: Something bad happens to you and you say, "Oh, god! Look at this bad thing that just happened to me." Then you figure it's over and it will all get good again, but then what happens is another bad thing happens and then you say, "Pfft! That was a surprise. I mean, two bad thing in a row, but I guess that's it for a while, 'cause I just had my quota of bad." And then what happens is that some awful thing happens to you, like everything gets taken away from you, and you say, "Pfft! Well, that's it. I mean there's nothing else that can happen now. I lost everything!" And then, life plays its "funny trick"... you die.

Danny:
Life is unfair to do that!

Jodie:
I'm not gonna throw up. I never throw up.

[Burt and Danny laugh]

Burt:
What do you mean "I never throw up"?

Jodie:
I never throw up!

Burt:
[laughs] Throwing up is not a choice. You don't say "I'm sorry, I don't play tennis and I don't throw up."

Danny:
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I bet I can make him throw up.

Jodie:
Oh, yeah?

Danny:
Yeah!

Jodie:
Okay. Take your best shot.

Danny:
Okay... picture this: a sack full of worms falls in your mouth...

Bob:
[revolted] Stop! Stop!

Danny:
I know I could make you throw up. All right, imagine this: a ton of raw liver...

Jodie:
Get me a spoon.

Danny:
And it's out in the hot sun...

Jodie:
Oh, I love it.

Danny:
And there's maggots in it and you've gotta eat it.

Bob:
[gagging] Oh, god! Stop!

Jodie:
See that? I told you, I never throw up. I don't even gag.

Danny:
I'll stick my fingers down your throat.

[Tim has asked for volunteers to help him perform an exorcism]

Benson:
I'll go. My mother always said to me, she said: "Son, look the devil in the eye and meet him straight on. You can't wrestle him to the ground unless you've got ahold of him first!"

[the house shakes with evil power]

Benson:
My mother was a babbling fool is what she was! Major crackpot, everyone knew it! She was nuts!

[Corinne is worried about her possessed baby]

Corinne:
He's here because of me.

Jessica:
Don't be silly, Corinne, the devil doesn't even know you.

Corinne:
It's all my fault. He's here because of me, because I slept with everyone in town.

Mary:
Oh Corinne, please. First of all, you did not sleep with everyone in town.

Corinne:
Yes, I did.

Jessica:
Oh, please. Did you sleep with the mayor?

Corinne:
Yeah.

Jessica, Mary:
You slept with the mayor?

Jessica:
[disgusted] Oh my goodness, the mayor. I voted for him.

Mary:
I told you not to vote for him. I told you to vote for Swanson.

Corinne:
I slept with him, too.

Mary:
You did?

Corinne:
Believe me, the best man won.

The Devil:
Accept me now! Do not resist any longer because you cannot succeed. Your soul is mine for eternity. I have won! Give up and come to me.

Jessica:
We will never give up. Never! There is not a man or spirit in this world or any other that will break my family. We've lived through too much in our lives already to give it up to you! We've lived through sorrow and separation and death and destruction and we're still together because we love each other and love is what holds us together. So, if you intend to stay, we will fight you to the end and let me tell you, we will fight! And with God's help, you will never have us and you will never have this baby! Never! You have come to the wrong house!

[the devil is driven out, leaving behind a perfectly normal baby]