South Park, Season 15

(Cartman and his mother Liane are at Best Buy shopping for an iPad.)

Cartman:
Okay. Wi-Fi+3G. 64 gigs. This one! This one!

Liane:
Oh, sweetie, $900?

Cartman:
I can't wait to see the look on Kyle's stupid goddamn fucking face when he sees my goddamn iPad has more goddamn memory than his!

Liane:
Eric, we can't afford that one.

Cartman:
Well, you don't expect me to get the goddamn WI-Fi only 16 gig version, do you?

Liane:
I think we need to get you a different brand, hon. They're a little cheaper.

Cartman:
Mom, everyone knows that everything but apple is stupid!

Liane:
(sees something interesting) Here, look at this one... Toshiba HandiBook.

Cartman:
(dumbfounded) "Toshiba HandiBook"?

Liane:
This says it does everything the iPad does at half the price.

Cartman:
(angry) Mom, do not screw me over again! If I take that goddamn thing to school, everybody's going to think I'm a poverty-stricken dickhead!!!!!!!!!!!

Liane:
(sternly) Eric, stop acting like a spoiled brat! You can either have the Toshiba HandiBook or you can have nothing at all.

Cartman:
(looks at her for a second) Oh, I've got a better idea! Why don't you go across the street and buy some condoms? Because we should at least be safe if you're gonna fuck me, Mom!

Liane:
(sharply) Eric!

Cartman:
You might as well go buy some cigarettes too, because I like to have a smoke after I get good and fucked! Do you wanna fuck me, Mom?! (everyone is now staring at the two of them) Just say so! Go ahead, here! (pulls down his pants to fuck his mom, who puts her hands over her mouth in shock) Huh?! Go ahead, Mom! Fuck me! Fuck me right here in the Best Buy! You wanna fuck your son so bad?! Go on, Mom! Fuck me! FUCK ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Cut to the minivan, not long after that. Cartman is crying while Liane simply looks straight ahead at the road.)

Liane:
(angry) Stop crying, Eric! I told you that if you kept acting up, you weren't getting anything!

Cartman:
(sniffles) But I told you I was sorry.

Liane:
You made me look like some sort of child molester in front of all those people!

Cartman:
(contrite) But I wasn't trying to get you in trouble.

Liane:
Then why did you go outside to a police officer and say "Help, help! My mom is trying to fuck me!!!"?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Cartman:
Oh, wait. I get it now. The "F" word is a no-no word, and I shouldn't say it around other people. I’m sorry, Mama.

Liane:
If you're really sorry, then you'll understand why you aren't getting anything!!

Cartman:
(sniffles) Well, no, that doesn't really have any logical sense, Mommy, because I'm already being punished by not getting the iPad............... Mama. Please can we just go back and get the Toshiba HandiBook?

Liane:
NO!!!!!!!!!!

Cartman:
Well then could we at least pull up here and get some dinner? Cause I like to be wined and dined after I've been (yells loudly) FUCKED!!!!!!!! (bangs at the dashboard with his fists)

Steve Jobs:
Hello everyone, I'm here to announce a new product that will once again revolutionize the way we use our phones and tablet devices. Let's hear it for our volunteers! [Klieg lights focus on another part of the stage. The curtains there open and the volunteers are shown: Junichi, Kyle, and the woman, all in hospital beds. The platform they're on rolls forward as Jobs approaches it] These three people have agreed to be brought here, handcuffed to these beds, and become the prototype of our first truly-interfaced device.

Kyle:
The first what?

Steve Jobs:
[walks back to his starting position] They have actually agreed to be surgically altered. [a projection appears on a huge white board] Their lips will be removed and they will be sewn together mouth to anus.

Woman:
What??

Steve Jobs:
[looks at and tells the woman] You agreed to this! [back to the projection] Mouth to anus so that the feces so that the gastral tract from one will enter the mouth of the little boy - [looks over at Kyle] and he agreed this was okay - enter the mouth of the little boy, leading through his anus to the mouth of the female - who completely agreed; they all agreed - which will then go to a tablet device, making a product that is part human, and part centipede, and part Web browser, and part emailing device! I give you... the HUMANCENTiPad!

Junichi:
(In Japanese Accent) Oho... I should habu never appudeitedo iTunes!

Kyle:
[with his mouth sewn onto Junichi's ass and bandages bound around them to make sure it stays that way] (I need some help! I can't take it!)

Steve Jobs:
[walks up to Kyle and leans down to hear him better] What, what what's that? What's that you're saying?

Kyle:
(I can't take it! I want out right now!)

Steve Jobs:
Yeah you want out? Are you saying you want out?

Kyle:
(Yes! Please! Let me go!)

Steve Jobs:
Fine. You don't want to be part of this? Then just sign right here. [whips out another contract. Kyle looks at the contract, then just signs it] Nooo! You didn't read it! This says we don't ever have to let you out and that we can do whatever we want! [walks up to his staff, frustrated] Dammit, why won't it read?!

Junichi:
(In Japanese Accent) Oh, oh no... feel sick...

Kyle:
(You're fine!)

Junichi:
Oooho, oooh! [poops into Kyle's mouth violently]

Kyle:
(Yaaaaah!) [poops into the woman's mouth violently]

Woman:
(Yaaaaah!)

Announcer:
Today, on Dr. Phil. The tragic story of a little boy whose mother constantly tries to fuck him.

Dr. Phil:
I want you all to meet Eric Cartman, who's a very special boy with a very hard life. Eric, you say that your mom fucks you?

Cartman:
Yes! She fucks me so hard!

Dr. Phil:
Does this happen often? Does she- does she fuck you a lot?

Cartman:
Filipino hookers don't get fucked the way I do!

Audience:
Ohhh...

Dr. Phil:
Now, I know this is very difficult for you to talk about, but... where was the last time your mother fucked you?

Cartman:
At Best Buy.

Audience:
Ahhh...

Dr. Phil:
Your mother fucked you at Best Buy?

Cartman:
Uh huh.

Dr. Phil:
And people saw her doing this?

Cartman:
Yes!

Dr. Phil:
And they didn't do anything?

Cartman:
No!

Liane:
[making her way to the stage] Eric, stop it!

Cartman:
Oh there she is! There's my mom right now! [Dr. Phil crosses his arms]

Audience:
Booooooo!

Cartman:
Booooooo!

Liane:
Eric, you come home, right now!

Audience:
Booooooo!

Dr. Phil:
Ma'am, why do you think it's okay to fuck your son?

Liane:
I DON'T!

Cartman:
She fucking does! She fucking does it all the time! She fucked me on fucking Christmas! she fucked me on my goddamn birthday!

Audience:
[shocked] Awwwwww!

Cartman:
You know, Mom, the least you could do is fucking kiss me first. 'Cause I liked to be kissed before I get fucked!

Man 1:
You fuck your son and you won't even give him a kiss? Booooooo!

Man 2:
[seated with his arm around a boy] If I was gonna fuck my son, I'd kiss him first! [kisses the boy on the forehead slowly]

Dr. Phil:
Well Eric, we have a very special gift we wanna give you.

Cartman:
[suddenly bright with hope] An iPad??? [dances in his chair]

Junichi:
Aarrrgh. Dame kore! ["This can't be!" He then says something else, and then...] (In Japanese Accent) So sori Kairu, but I am starving! Which would you rather I eat? Should I eat a cuttlefish and asparagus, or the vanilla peisuto?

Kyle:
(Vanilla paste! Vanilla paste!)

Junichi:
(In Japanese Accent) Cuttlefish and asparagus?

Kyle:
(No! That's not what I said! Vanilla paste!)

Junichi:
(In Japanese Accent) Very well I will eat the cuttlefish. [begins to gobble that down]

Kyle:
:(NOOOO!) [a door flies open and a group of men rush in]

Rescuer 1:
Go, go! Come on guys, come on! Go! [reaches the cage and genuflects next to it] Don't worry. We're here to help you. [cuts the lock open with some bolt cutters and opens the cage door]

Junichi:
(In Japanese Accent) Oh! Oh, thank you! Thank you! [the rescuer shushes him]

Rescuer 1:
Come on, hurry! We have an ambulance waiting outside.

Rescuer 1:
Just try to stay calm. We're gonna have to try and get you separated right away!

Junichi:
(In Japanese Accent) Yes, please hurry! That cuttlefish and asparagus is not sitting well.

Rescuer 1:
We got it! We got it! Doctor, can you take this thing apart?!

Doctor:
If I'm going to perform surgery, I need permission. [shows Kyle a new agreement] Sign this release so we can operate.

Kyle:
(Yes. Yes, hurry up.) [a buzzer sounds and the ER splits in two, revealing that it was all a setup to see if Kyle would finally read an agreement before signing it. The whole grouped just went around the headquarters and back in. Steve Jobs appears and walks up to the HumancentiPad]

Steve Jobs:
No, dammit! It didn't read it! End of simulation, end of simulation! [the 'medical staff' splits up and walks off, while the doctor walks away from the corporation building] What is wrong with you people?! Why can't you get the HumancentiPad to read?!

Rescuer:
We're sorry, sir. We really thought we'd get it to read this time.

Junichi:
(In Japanese Accent) OH NO! Cuttlefish is about to come out of ma asshole!

Kyle:
(Oh, shit!)

Junichi:
(In Japanese Accent) Here it comes! Oh, it's going to be arot! Hold on, Kairu! I believe in youuuuuu!!! [craps into Kyle's mouth violently. A second later, Kyle craps into the woman's mouth violently. A second later the woman craps onto the iPad's back, and the iPad lights up with a soft bell sound]

Cartman:
Whoa! Cooool! [struts over to it, then presses some icons on the iPhone on Junichi's forehead.] Oh wooow! No waaay! [walks to the iPad on the woman's ass and presses some icons there.] It does e-mail and Web browsing, and it shits in Kyle's mouth?? This is the greatest thing that has ever been invented!!

Reporter 1:
Yes but, can it read?

Steve Jobs:
Don't worry. It took a while, but I'm pretty sure it has finally learned to read, hasn't it?! [glares at Kyle]

Kyle:
(Yes. I promise I'll read.)

Crowd:
Hooraaaaaaaaay!

Cartman:
(As everyone leaves) Hey! Hey, what is this? Some sort of sick prank? I get the greatest thing ever just to have it taken away? Why did you do this to me, God? Next time you're gonna get my hopes up, could you please take me to a Grease Monkey? 'Cause I like to get lubed before I get FUCKED! Huh?! Some lube would be nice! Or at least a courtesy lick, Goddamn! How about a little courtesy lick next time you decide to FUCK me!? [a bolt of lightning strikes Cartman and cut to black.]

[After Jimmy claims Germans have no sense of humor]

Cartman:
Dude, what the hell?! Did you see the news?!

Stan:
We told you doing a comedy awards show was a bad idea! Now all of Germany is pissed off at us!

Jimmy:
Don't worry, fellows, everything's going to be OK!

Cartman:
OK?! Jimmy, do you know what happened to the last people Germans were pissed off at?! Tell him, Kyle!

Funnybot:
Exterminate!

Scott:
(loud, booming voice) Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum! I smell Kraft Dinner.

Canadian General:
You're a dick, Scott! You have always been a dick! And then you got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now you're a giant dick!

Scott:
No! You all kept calling me a dick and that turned me into a dick! And THEN I got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now I'm a giant dick!

Ugly Bob:
Don't worry. If there's one thing Eskimos are good at, it's finding things.

Scott:
Eskimos are good for nothing! I paid one to give me a blowjob once. All she did was rub her nose against my penis for forty five seconds and ask me to pay her! God darn polar gooks.

Ike:
STOP BEING A DICK, SCOTT!

Scott:
Hey, stop being mean to me!

Mr. Mackey:
[back in the studio, angrily] Mm mkay, in 15 minutes, you're all not gonna care about this anymore, so I'll just say what I need to say: That was the worst rehearsal we have ever had! We are two days away from opening, and you're all FUCKING AROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kid in Dental Floss costume:
That's because tooth decay sucks. [the other kids agree with the dental floss kid.]

Mr. Mackey:
[ticked off] Oh, don't put this all on Tooth Decay! [to dental floss] Let me tell you something, Dental Floss. (angry yelling) You're not as good as you fucking think you are!!! You're already acting like you're a star, and we haven't even opened yet!!! (screaming furiously) OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES, DENTAL FLOSS!!!! YOU'RE ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Butters:
...and so then... And so then, it turns out that the Terminator secretly had a kid ten years ago, meaning Terminator could be his own father, and then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him.

Kyle:
No, dude, that's not the trailer for Terminator 5, that really happened.

Butters:
Skeletor's real?

Stan:
No, dude, that's not Skeletor, that's Terminator's wife.

Butters:
Skeletor's a lady?!

Cartman:
[enters the cafeteria in rage] GODDAMMIT!!! WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?!! THIS IS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW! I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL EVERYBODY!!!

Butters:
Hey, Eric!

Cartman:
[violently shakes the table] I AM SO SICK OF THIS GODDAMN FUCKING SCHOOL!!! [Butters gasps as the guys's drinks fall] THIS STUPID SCHOOL AND IT'S STUPID PRINCIPAL HAS GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME!!!!

Kyle:
You get in trouble again, Cartman?

Cartman:
NO, I DIDN'T DO A GODDAMN THING!!! Nothing! I told you, this school is a den of snakes! You're not gonna believe what they did this time, you guys.

Stan:
Dude, we're just trying to eat.

Cartman:
Oh, you think I'm overreacting again, huh?! No! Not this time! [shakes the table again] The school has gone too far this time and it affects each and every one of you! You remember the school physical we all took last week?

Stan:
Yeah.

Cartman:
Well, the school put the sizes of all our PENISES up on a big chart in the school hallway!

Kyle:
No they didn't.

Cartman:
YEAH, THEY FUCKING DID, KYLE!!!

Stan:
Dude, why would the school put up the sizes of our DICKS?

Cartman:
Because they don't fucking care! I've told you this! They don't give a shit about the students, and they live to make us miserable!

Kyle:
That doesn't make any sense.

Cartman:
Go look for yourselves!!

Cartman:
Let me guess - I'm in trouble again!

Principal Victoria:
You're darn right, Eric!

Cartman:
For what?!

Victoria:
Why did you measure all the boy students's penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?

Cartman:
[points at her] Why did YOU measure our penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?!

Victoria:
What?

Cartman:
I don't care if Obama is president! You don't go around putting little boys on blast, telling the whole world the lengths of their DICKS!

Victoria:
Wait. Are you talking about the numbers we published Tuesday from the physicals?

Cartman:
You're damn right! 1.2 inches. I'll have you know that my penis is a respectable 1.4 inches! Maybe it's still the smallest in school, but it's .2 inches bigger than you said!

Victoria:
The numbers we put up were HEIGHT differentials!

Cartman:
What?

Victoria:
We thought it would be fun to put up how much each student has grown in height since their physical last year. You grew 1.2 inches.

Cartman:
Those weren't our dick sizes?

Victoria:
WHY would we publish the lengths of our students's PRIVATE PARTS?

Cartman:
I don't know! Why would you?!

Victoria:
We didn't!

Cartman:
[gets off the chair] Aw, crap! You mean everyone knows my wiener is smaller than everyone else's... because of me?

Victoria:
THIS is exactly the kind of thing we are always talking about, Eric. You get angry about something, you don't think, and you cause bad things to happen! This time, you've done it to yourself!

Cartman:
Oh, God. Why couldn't I have just taken a minute to think about it?

Victoria:
Because you have an anger problem, Eric!

Cartman:
[points at her] FUCK YOU! NO, I DON'T!

Worker:
Sorry, doctor, your wife's on the phone; says it's an emergency.

Therapist:
Excuse me. [goes to his desk and answers phone] Carol, what..? Whoa, calm down, honey. What do you mean? Web chat with wha..? What 14-year-old girl? Carol, I would ne-- [Cartman stops texting and puts down his iPhone 4] No, I don't have a criminal record, who-- Who is Mitch Connor? There can't be an official police report, honey, there's not-- No-no, Carol, put down the gun, swe-sweetie, come on-- Put down the-- [a gunshot is audibly heard on the other end] Carol? Carol! [turns his head and stares at Cartman in shock]

Cartman:
[calmly, but with a visible look of anger] I'm not fat. I'm big boned.

Wayne D:
Man, this shot's whack, man. I just see all this shot fronting man. I'm in the stands like pozze no fracking good, man. Shot might be calling me tapping that shot, man.

Cartman:
(In Southener Accent) This country was founded on the ideas that one corporation coundn't hog all the slaves, while the rest of us wallow in poverty. Screw you sir, I'm going home.

Takayama:
(In Japanese Accent) Welcome to Shitty Sushi. Can I take er order please?

Tuong Lu Kim:
What's the big idea putting your Shitty Sushi right next to my Shitty Wok?!

Takayama:
I'm sorry I do under understand your accent. You want Shitty tuna roll????

Tuong Lu Kim:
No I don't want Shitty tuna roll! I want you to go find another Shitty town to open your Shitty Sushi prace!

Takayama:
Why don't you please just speak Engrish? Maybe I can understand you!

Tuong Lu Kim:
I am speaking Engrish! Why don't you speak a fucking Engrish, you sofa eating fuck!

Takayama:
Get out or I call police!

Tuong Lu Kim:
Come on, kid, you don't want to eat this Shitty Sushi! It give you worms.

Takayama:
Better than Shitty Kung Pao Chicken made from CAT!!!!!!!!

Tuong Lu Kim:
[goes into City Sushi] You see what happened?!

Mr. Takiyama:
I told you not to come in here!

Tuong Lu Kim:
Now everyone in town think a Chinese and a Japanese are the same fucking thing!

Mr. Takiyama:
I don't even know what the fuck you are saying! Uhpupuh putuh peepee!

Tuong Lu Kim:
Aaah you Japanese racist! [Mr. Kim launches at Mr. Takiyama like he did before, and they trade blows again.]

[The bowling alley, Steamy Ray Vaughn is back in performing. The janitor and his friend are present]

Randy:
City bog. Too much, too much city bop. Too much too much too much [puts the mic to his ass and farts into it]

Friend:
Lord, I ain't never seen britches take a whooping like that.

Janitor:
I told you. Them britches don't stand a chance.

Randy:
City bop! City yeah! [more fart sounds, and the song ends] Thank you! Thank you so much! I'd like to uh, bring up a special guest now. The other night I was chatting in a Tween Wave chatroom, because I do love Tween Wave so much, and I uh started chatting with this nice lady who also really like her kids' Tween Wave music and... turns out she's a real talented artist as well. Please welcome Miss Steamy Nicks.

Steamy Nicks:
[sounding a lot like a goat] Thank you, thank you so much. [Randy presses play and a song begins]

Friend:
Wait now, who's that lady?

Janitor:
That there's Steamy Nicks.

Friend:
You mean that gal who played for Fleetwood Mac and wrote that song "Landslide"?

Janitor:
Nnooh, that's Stevie Nicks. Steamy Nicks just shits her britches. [sure enough, she does this, and Randy joins her a second later]

Randy:
Yayaya! [more fart sounds]

Sharon:
[enters the bowling alley and heads straight for Randy] Who the hell is that woman, Randy?! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!

Janitor:
I agree. Why don't you leave them poor britches alone?

Friend:
Them britches have had enough!

[The Marsh house, night; Randy and Sharon can be seen arguing through the living room windows]

Randy:
You don't get it, Sharon! You never have! And that's supposed to be my fault?!

Sharon:
Yes, it IS your fault, Randy, because you're a child!

Randy:
I'm sick of everything I do being so wrong, Sharon!

Sharon:
You're 42 years old, Randy!

Randy:
I'm not dead yet Sharon, but you might be!

Sharon:
Oh is that what you think?! That I'm dead?! You do this all the time! First you're obsessed with baseball fights! Then you need to play Warcraft! Then you gotta be a celebrity chef!

Randy:
Why can't you ever just support me?!

Sharon:
Support what?! Another stupid dream of yours?!

Randy:
Face it Sharon, our son turned 10 and you feel old!

Sharon:
WHAT does our son turning 10 have to do with YOU making the same mistakes again and again?!

Randy:
BECAUSE I'M UNHAPPY, OKAY?! I've been unhappy for a long time! [Sharon reflects on this for a moment and her voice goes soft]

Sharon:
...I'm unhappy too. We both are, obviously. How much longer can we keep doing this? It's like, the same shit just happens over and over and, then in a week it just all resets until it happens again. Every week it's kind of the same story in a different way but it, it just keeps getting more and more ridiculous.

Randy:
I don't know if I've changed or you have. I just feel like I might not have a whole lot of time left and, I want to enjoy it.

Sharon:
I want to enjoy it too, but... I can't fake it anymore; you just seem kind of... shitty to me.

Randy:
You kind of seem shitty to me too.

Sharon:
People get older, Randy. People grow apart.

Stan:
[He snaps in class in frustration] GOD, SHUT UP!! EVERYONE, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Kyle:
Stan?

Stan:
[While drunk] Kyle! [Hugs Kyle]

Kyle:
Hey, Stan? [Pulls away from the hug]

Stan:
[Speaking slurred] Dude, I'm sorry. I'm being a shitty friend. I missed my buddy. You were right, Adam Sandler is fucking hysterical!

Kyle:
Stan, are you alright?

Stan:
But Kyle, it's all shit! For real! It's all shit because the aliens with AI and you and me are gonna fuck it all up! Come on!

Kyle:
Dude. Have you been drinking?

Stan:
You're not listening to me, Kyle. Dude, we have to go do this one thing, and then everything can go back to normal!

Kyle:
It's too late for that. Things just can't go back, Stan, uh. I'm with Cartman Burger now.

Stan:
[Pauses for a moment] Dude, Cartman Burger? Seriously? How shitty is that fucking concept?

Kyle:
See? There you go again. Look at you, dude. Look what you've become. [Cartman shows up to see Kyle]

Cartman:
Everything alright here, Kyle?

Kyle:
Yeah, It's fine.

Cartman:
We're gonna need some more patties pretty soon.

Kyle:
Yeah, yeah, ah I'll be right there.

Stan:
Come on, Kyle. This is about you and me, remember?!

Kyle:
Look, dude, things around here have changed. Sometimes, the only way to keep going is to make a left turn.

Stan:
[In silence, waiting for a moment] Fuck you, Kyle, [Flips him off] you're a piece of shit! [Kyle sighs and leaves to the burger stand] Kyle, I love you. [Kyle shows ups, but Stan flips him of again] You're a piece of shit, though, Fuck you! [Kyle leaves again to the burger stand] I love you. [Kyle refuses to show up to him this time]

Cartman:
[turns around] Alright, y'all, keep your eyes peeled and your guns ready. [spits something out, wipes his lips clean with the back of his shirt sleeve, and returns to patrolling the border] There's a heap of Mexicans out there who want nothing more than to sneak past our border, and we've got to stop them!

Liane:
[walking out] Eric, you want to say hi to Grandpa?

Cartman:
Not now, Mom! We're playing Texans versus Mexicans! Gah! [turns to the boys on the ground - Clyde, Craig, and Timmy] All right patrol, you all know the drill. Not one Mexican is to get past this border! Not a single one! Yee-haw!

The other four:
Yeeh-aw [Timmy stays silent]

Principal Victoria:
Eric, as you might've heard, a student here at South Park Elementary, had an accident in the classroom.

Cartman:
I know, dude, Pete Melman crapped his pants! So freakin' funny!

Principal Victoria:
Okay, but you probably understand that for Pete, it isn't that funny. For him, it's embarrassing and terrifying.

Cartman:
Right, that's why it's super funny to me.

Principal Victoria:
Eric, it has been almost one year since Corey Duran defecated in his pants here at school. Now, you remember what happened to him?

Cartman:
Yeah, he killed himself.

[After Stan discovers his personal information on Eavesdropper.]

Stan:
Kenny! [He goes to Kenny] Kenny, What the fuck?!

Kenny:
What?

Stan:
How did Eavesdropper get a hold of my e-mail to you?

Kenny:
I don't know.

Stan:
Did you leave your e-mails open for everyone to read?

Kenny:
No.

Stan:
That was a Private e-mail message from me and you! [Wendy shows up angrily at Stan, and Stan noticed her] Hey, Wendy.

Wendy:
You like looking at girls' butt cracks, Stan?!

Kenny:
Oh, fuck. I'm gettin' out of here! [Kenny closes his locker and leaves]

Principal Victoria:
Alright, are we sure we're alone?

Mr. Mackey:
We're alone, now what the hell are we gonna do?

Mr. Adler:
What can we do? We're all gonna get fired!

Principal Victoria:
This story hasn't gone on Eavesdropper yet, maybe it won't.

Mr. Mackey:
Oh, right! The school faculty tries to poison all their students, that's not gonna be on Wikileaks!

Mr. Adler:
Let's just face it. We made our beds when we enlisted Eric Cartman's help, we have to lie in them.

Cartman:
And then... and then Wendy... said they were the 99% and that I was the 1% and that made me not ceeuuwwl!

Natalie Portman:
"Hmm... no!"

Cartman:
“Did you guys know that when you stop menstruating, it’s called menopause?”

Stan:
“What?”

Cartman:
“Yeah, God takes your period away, and apparently it makes you really irritable. I was thinking that might be why Kyle’s been so grouchy lately.”

Kyle:
"Dude, shut your fucking mouth."

Repeated Line:
I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!

Eric Cartman:
Your mamma's so poor she can't even pay attention!

Eric Cartman:
My mamma's so poor she walks down the street in one shoe, and if you ask her if she lost a shoe, she says 'No I found one!'

Mysterion:
Karen McCormick is off limits!, do you understand? Make sure everybody in this school knows!

Carol McCormick:
(yelling) You're BOTH drunk pieces of shit. Both of you sit the FUCK down!

Child Service Agent:
(crying) IT'S LIKE A PENN STATE HOMECOMING PARTY!!!

Eric Cartman:
(singing) I'm not, I'm not, that's right. The poor kid at schoooooool.