SpongeBob SquarePants, Season Five (2007)

SpongeBob:
Why, Mr. Krabs? Why does he hate us so?

Krabs:
Might as well blame me boy There was a time when Plankton and I were friends

Spongebob:
Friends to the end?

Krabs:
Friends at birth ya might say even as wee ones (narrating a story of Plankton and him as friends They started out as little ones) Things were all peaches and cream (Next school) until we hit grade school

Young Krabs:
Hey Planky what ya doing?

Plankton:
Just a little something I thought I'd try out (Kid throws spitball at him) Idiots I'll show you with science! This concoction's gonna blow everyone away

Mr. Krabs:
Listen up Squidward cuz this is where it gets juicy. It all began in a place called "Stinky Burgers" It was the only place to get a burger Kids loved Stinky and Stinky loved the kids

Stinky:
Now what can I do for you young ones?

Kids:
Mr Stinky I'll have 1 burger please! Me too Stink-o!

Stinky:
Now now kids there's plenty of burgers for everyone

Plankton:
Happy birthday Krabs!

SpongeBob:
Don't forget your condiments, Plankton! (squirts ketchup and mustard at him)

Krabs:
Attaboy Spongebob! (Turns on fan and Plankton's machine breaks and Spongebob puts the formula in his mouth)

Spongebob:
Safe!

Plankton:
You'll rue the day we were born Krabs! I'll be back (Realizes his jetpack is upside down) Oh barnacles

Kid Plankton:
Get outta my FACE!

[He and Kid Krabs growl at each other]

Potty the Parrot:
You've got rats in the kitchen!

Spongebob:
Ya have to think of the words yourself

Patrick:
I think I wrote a poem once (flashback to Pat's childhood)

Young Pat:
A poem by Patrick Star "Roses are blue violets are red I gotta go to the bathroom" (eats his paper)

Coach:
How many times do I gotta tell ya? This is gym class! (Kids start throwing dodgeballs at him)

Patrick:
(present time) Dodgeballs

Squidward:
What's that horrible smell?! [sees steam coming out of SpongeBob's window] Is Patrick thinking again?

Patrick:
[sticking his head out of the window] I'm making art!

Squidward:
Patrick, it smells like something crawled into your brain and died.

Patrick:
That's the creative process at work!

A band member:
This one's really bad! It made my eyeballs throw up!

Another band member:
Oh yeah? [he takes the script and, upon reading it, his eyeballs shrivel up and turn to dust]

Director:
I don't care how awful his poem is, he spent his hundred bucks already!

Band leader:
C'mon guys, we're gonna do this if it kills us. A-one, and a-two, and a--

[Cuts to a graveyard:
the band members apparently died after recording the song]

An eulogizer:
[to Patrick] They wanted you to have this. [hands a record to Patrick]

Patrick:
My song!

SpongeBob:
It's really loud!

Patrick:
You need it louder? OKAY!

I Wrote This" Lyrics:

Twinkle Twinkle Patrick Star

I made myself a sandwich

My mommy named it Fred

It tastes like beans and bacon

And smells like it's been dead

Writing stuff is hard

So I used a pointy pencil

Pointy, pointy, pointy

Pointy, pointy, point

P.U., what's that horrible smell?

Man:
Drum solo! [drum solo]

I have a head

It ends in a point

Pointy, pointy, pointy

Pointy, pointy, point

This song is over

Except for this line

You win this round

Broccoli!

[SpongeBob and Patrick are crying because they miss Sandy]

SpongeBob:
Why did she have to go to the science convention and TAY-HAUS [Spanish pronounciation of "Texas"]?

Patrick:
TAY-HAUS!

SpongeBob:
She won't be back for one more hour, 26 minutes, and 47 seconds! [they start squirting tears at each other]

Patrick:
I miss Sandy so much! Her tentacles, the way she plays clarinet, her massive nose...

SpongeBob:
Uh, Patrick, that's Squidward. He's not gone; he's right here! [camera pans to Squidward planting a flower in the ground]

Squidward:
No I'm not. [walks away]

SpongeBob:
I sure do miss that squirrel! Her karate chopping, that 10-gallon glass dome over her dome, and who can forget those buck teeth? After Sandy gets back, we're gonna let her know how much we miss her!

Patrick:
Is Sandy the one I call "mom"?

SpongeBob:
No, Patrick, that's your mother. But that does give me an idea! We'll throw Sandy the mother of all welcome-home parties! Patrick, to the tree dome!

Patrick:
WHOHAIE!

SpongeBob:
[singing] Welcome, home Sandy, you know that, we missed ya-

Bus Driver:
NO!! NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU SING!

Sandy:
Sorry, SpongeBob, he's got a fierce no-singing policy!

SpongeBob:
That's quite all right, Ms. Cheeks, as long as you don't have a fierce no-partying policy!

Patrick:
[the flea bites him and makes marks on his stomach] Ahahahaha! Connect the Dots. [draws lines connecting the bite marks on his stomach] I drawed a horsey! OUCH!! Why does this flea keep biting me?

Sandy:
When a flea bites you, it's because he's sucking up your blood for nutrition.

Patrick:
I have been bitten by a vampire flea! NO!! I'm gonna turn into a vampire now! It's already happening! [starts going berserk]

Squidward:
I'm going to go recover from hypothermia.

Spongebob:
Hippo-whatia? What does that mean?

Mr. Krabs:
It means he's a big fat crybaby.

Squidward:
It's freezing in here! How cold does Krabs keep this place anyway? [looks at the thermostat which reads 62 degrees, much to his disgust] 62 DEGREES!? [with confidence] I'm gonna set to a toasty 63. [turns the thermostat dial slightly clockwise; an siren goes off and a red light flashes]

Mr. Krabs:
[bursts through the door to his office] WHOOOOO TOUCHED ME THERMOSTAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!? [everyone points to Squidward]

Squidward:
[to Spongebob] Oh, thanks a-- [Mr. Krabs grabs him in the jugular]

Spongebob:
You're welcome, Squidward.

Mr. Krabs:
Squidward, you're always going on about your book club. READ THIS!! [points to a poster above the thermostat that reads "DO NOT TOUCH THERMOSTAT EVER!]

Squidward:
Do not touch thermostat ever. [Mr. Krabs sets it back]

Mr. Krabs:
HEAT COSTS MONEY!! There's two ways to get on me bad side, boys. I don't like kids playing in me yard, and nobody but me, touches me thermostat!

Squidward:
That's totally selfish!

Spongebob:
Yeah! Your yard is really fun! There are kids playing in it right now.

Mr. Krabs:
WHAT?!?!?!?!

Mr. Krabs:
[having a nightmare] Someone... touching... thermostat!

Mr. Krabs:
[yells that the icicles fall] Don't..touch...ME THERMOSTAT!!!

Patrick:
Where am I? What happened? Oh yeah, the party. I must have passed out in SpongeBob's kitchen, on the ceiling. See, SpongeBob? I told you we shouldn't stay up past 8:30, things get real crazy after 8:30. [has a flashback of last night's tea party] She really knows how to pound 'em down huh, SpongeBob... SpongeBob? [notices SpongeBob snoring with a donut in his hand] That's a good lookin' donut.

Mr Krabs:
Is this some kind of joke!? Where's that gas tank?

[Song starts]

SpongeBob:
A song? To sing a song? A song of wanting to move along

To a land where all our dreee--

[Falls to the floor low song stops]

SpongeBob:
Sorry.

SpongeBob:
To a land of all our dreeaaams can finaly come true

SpongeBob:
Bye, Squidward! Bye, Mr. Krabs! [sounding flirtatious] Bye, Squidward.

Patrick:
You said "Bye Squidward" twice.

SpongeBob:
I like Squidward.

Patrick:
I think I fell on a rock! [shows a sharp, jagged rock in the back of his head]

Plankton:
Hello, little one! Would you like a Chum Burger?

Little Kid:
Uh...does it come in raspberry?

Plankton:
Umm...no...

Little Kid:
Blueberry...?

Plankton:
No.

Little Kid:
Uhmmmmmmm...raspberry?

Plankton:
Aw, c'mon kid! You already said that! Quit wasting my time!

Little Kid's Mother:
Hey, you can't talk to my son that way! Who do you think you are?!

Plankton:
I'm Plankton, ya old hag, and your son smells like boogers!

Husband:
Hey, don't talk to my wife like that! What do you think this is?!

Plankton:
Looks like it's time for you to lose some weight, fatty! That's what it is!

Husband's Grandmother:
You can't talk to my grandson like that! Someone ought to put you in a mental institution!

Plankton:
Someone should put you in a box floating down the river, grandma!

Husband's Grandmother:
You're probably right...

Plankton:
You people are crazy! I'm gettin' outta here! [people begin throwing rocks at him] Hey!

Patrick:
[talking about mysterious stomach-like thing from the abyss] It's a liquid!

Spongebob:
No, it's a solid, it's a solid! [thing oozes mysterious liquid]

Spongebob and Patrick:
It's a losquid...

Patrick:
I happen to like my various smells and germs.

Patrick:
[after he reveals he doesn't wash his hands, much to the chagrin of Spongebob] You... [writes a "U" on a brick wall with mud] are... [writes an "R"] how do you spell "Notmyfriend"?

Patrick:
Taste pit evildoer.

Squidward:
[to Mr. Krabs] Did you get any of Patrick's gold?

Mr. Krabs:
He's not digging for any gold I'm looking for!

Mr. Krabs:
The temperature stays at 62 degrees.

Squidward:
There’s icicles hanging from the ceiling!

Mr. Krabs:
I don't care if Santy Claus and Jack Frost are havin' ice cream cones. Don’t… touch… THE THERMOSTAT!!!!!!!!!

[Patrick breaths in deeply] LEEEEOOOO LEEEEOOOO LEEEEEEE