Sports Night, Season 1

J.J.:
I'm concerned with Casey's performance on the air lately.

Dan:
What's your point?

J.J.:
My point is, at the moment, Casey has less on-air charm and charisma than my high school driving instructor, and you know it, Dan. Now I think the time has come for you to think about the possibility of another partner.

Dan:
I'm not going to do the show with your high school driving instructor, J.J., if that's what you're asking me.

J.J.:
Look, Dan, you've got a bright future at this network, and-

Dan:
My future is writing and anchoring a sports program, with my partner, Casey McCall. Now, if it's here, it's here. If it's not, it's someplace else. For right now, I'm gonna forget this conversation ever took place. Dana, Isaac, you guys need anything?

Dana:
No Dan, you're done here, thanks.

Isaac:
I really got to admire the way you manhandled my staff today J.J.

J.J.:
Look...

Isaac:
No. Don't take me on.

J.J.:
The network's not going to wait forever.

Isaac:
It's your call Dana, but pretty soon it's going to be my call. Cause here's the thing, I can't let it be their call.

Jeremy:
Miss Whitaker, I would be great at this job. You gotta believe me when I tell you I've been training my whole life for it. I've crunched stats; I've broken down film; and there wasn't a team in my high school that didn't have me for an equipment manager. I have read every box score in every newspaper that's printed in English and has a sports section, and I have seen Sports Night every night since you're first broadcast; two years, two months and a week ago today. Now, yes, sure, indeed. I can tell you what Ewing and Oakley are shooting from the field, and that you're not going to stop John Starks if he squares up to the basket. Put any defensive pressure on Charlie Ward and he's gonna fold like a cheap card table. But if you're asking me for genuinely sophisticated analysis ... And I sense that you are! You've gotta give me some time. At least twenty minutes.

Casey:
You wanna do something tonight after the show?

Dan:
Yeah, y'know, I was gonna hop a ride on the Staten Island ferry for awhile, eat a hotdog. You wanna come?

Casey:
Yeah, absolutely, and I'll tell you why. 'Cause it's seventeen degrees outside with the wind chill so what I want to do is stand on a boat in the middle of New York harbor at half-past midnight.

Dan:
You have a better idea?

Casey:
Well, we could go to a bar, find some people we don't like and beat the crap out of them.

Dana:
Hey, look everybody. It's two sports anchors, and that's a good break for us, because we're about to do a sports show.

Casey:
Sarcasm, thy name is Dana.

Casey:
There is a perception in the press, never clearer than in this article, that I'm not cool. Now, where do you think this perception comes from?

Dana:
I think it comes from reality.

Isaac:
Apologize.

Dan:
To who?

Isaac:
Who cares? Danny?

Dan:
Yeah?

Isaac:
You know I love you right?

Dan:
Yeah.

Isaac:
And because I love you, I can say this: no rich young white guy has ever gotten anywhere with me comparing himself to Rosa Parks. Got it?

Dan:
Yes sir.

Isaac:
Good.

Dan:
I have a younger brother named Sam. Sam's a genius. I mean, literally. As a kid, he tested off the charts. The first computer I ever had, he built from a kit he bought with money he earned tutoring other kids in math. He's energetic and articulate, curious and funny. A great source of pride to our parents. And there's no doubt that he'd be living a great life right now, except for that he's dead. Because when you're fourteen years old, all you ever really wanna be when you grow up is your sixteen-year-old brother. And in my case, that meant smoking a lot of dope. The day I went off to college was the day that Sam got his driver's license. And he celebrated by taking a drive with some of his friends. Drunk and high as a paper kite. He never saw the red light that he ran. And he probably never saw the eighteen-wheel truck that put him into the side of a brick bank, either. That was eleven years ago tonight. And I just wanted to say... I'm sorry, Sam. You deserved better in my hands. And I apologize.

Isaac:
It's taken me a lot of years, but I've come around to this: If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. And if you're smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you. I'm an awfully smart man, and Mike Sabath is an idiot. He had you, and he blew it. You're gonna do great here, but you've gotta trust us.

Jeremy:
We shot a deer. In the woods near Lake Mattatuck on the second day. There was a special vest they had me wear so that they could distinguish me from things they wanted to shoot, and I was pretty grateful for that. Almost the whole day had gone by, and we hadn't gotten anything. Eddie was getting frustrated and Bob Shoemaker was getting embarrassed. My camera guy needed to re-load so I told everybody to take a ten minute break. There was a stream nearby and I walked over with this care-package Natalie made me. I sat down and when I looked up I saw three of them; small, bigger, biggest. Recognizable to any species on the face of the planet as a child, a mother and a father. Now, the trick in shooting deer is you gotta get 'em out in the open. And it's tough with deer, 'cause these are clever, cagey animals with an intuitive sense of danger. You know what you have to do to get a deer out in the open? You hold out a twinkie. That animal clopped up to me like we were at a party. She seemed to be pretty interested in the twinkie, so I gave it to her. Looking back, she'd have been better off if I'd given her the damn vest. And Bob kind of screamed at me in whisper, "Move away!" The camera had been re-loaded and it looked like the day wasn't gonna be a washout after all. So I backed away, a couple of steps at a time, and I closed my eyes when I heard the shot. Look, I know these are animals, and they don't play bridge and go to the prom, but you can't tell me that the little one didn't know who his mother was. That's gotta mean something. And later, at the hospital, Bob Shoemaker was telling me about the nobility and tradition of hunting and how it related to the native American Indians. And I nodded and I said that was interesting while I was thinking about what a load of crap it was. Hunting was part of Indian culture. It was food and it was clothes and it was shelter. They sang and danced and offered prayers to the gods for a successful hunt so that they could survive just one more unimaginably brutal winter. The things they had to kill held the highest place of respect for them, and to kill for fun was a sin. And they knew the gods wouldn't be so generous next time. What we did wasn't food and it wasn't shelter and it sure wasn't sports! It was just mean!

Jeremy:
Not fitting in is how qualified people get fired.

Isaac:
Yeah, but a lot of the time, it's how they end up working here.

Dan:
I've been thinking a lot about soccer lately.

Casey:
And?

Dan:
I'm pretty much through with that.

Casey:
Yeah?

Dan:
Ya know, to save my life I couldn't name five teams that play in the MLS? I know there's Luxembourg.

Casey:
The MLS is an American soccer league.

Dan:
Luxembourg doesn't play in this league?

Casey:
No.

Dan:
So I don't even know Luxembourg.

Casey:
[to Kim] Ow again.

Kim:
Ya know, this is what you get for being a grown man who can't dress himself.

Casey:
I used to have a wife for that.

Dan:
I'll tell you what else. I'm starting to get a little cheesed at people telling me the reason I don't like soccer is that I don't understand it. I think I do understand it. I think I understand it just fine. I just happen to think it's a mind-numbing bore, and that any reasonable person would rather be playing it than watching it.

Casey:
Well I know it doesn't match the pulse-pounding excitement of a good sailboat race.

Dan:
Alright, nobody move. Name five teams that play in the MLS. And Casey says it's an American soccer league, so you can't choose Luxembourg. Go.

Natalie:
Columbus Crew.

Elliot:
Miami Fusion.

Natalie:
New England Revolution.

Kim:
Tampa Bay Mutiny.

Natalie:
D.C. United.

Dave:
Chicago Fire.

Natalie:
Colorado Rapids.

Chris:
Dallas Burn.

Natalie:
Kansas City Wizards.

Will:
Los Angeles Galaxy.

Natalie:
And the New York/New Jersey Metro-Stars.

Dan:
You all just made that up, didn't you?

Casey:
You got smoked.

Mallory:
Listen, I think it's sweet that you and your partner sing to each other on television. Others may think it's vaguely gay, but I disagree.

Dana:
You have good ideas a lot. I find myself saying, "Natalie's got a good idea."

Natalie:
But you also find yourself saying, "Natalie, if you screw that up again I'll set you on fire."

Dana:
When was the last time you had a good idea?

Natalie:
This morning, I decided not to stick my hand in the blender.

Dana:
That's what I'm talking about.

Dana:
How much do you love me?

Dan:
I want to grow a goatee.

Dana:
Very, very bad idea. How much do you love me?

Dan:
I think it would look good.

Dana:
I think you would look like Colonel Sanders. How much do you love me?

Dan:
A little less than I did before the Colonel Sanders thing.

Bill:
This is a third place show on a fourth rate network.

Dan:
Yeah, but that's all gonna change once I grow a goatee.

Casey:
He's just crazy enough to do it.

Jeremy:
This is professional television. Surely there's some kind of strict procedure that's followed when something like this happens.

Dana:
Absolutely.

Jeremy:
What is it?

Dana:
Well first, everyone stand up and see if you're sitting on it.

Casey:
I am a commentator, I am a pundit, I am doing my job.

Dan:
You're a pundit?

Casey:
I am.

Dan:
Well, your parents must be very proud.

Casey:
They are.

Elliot:
How's the writer's block?

Dan:
You're gonna need to get someone to fix my computer.

Kim:
What's wrong with it?

Dan:
It's in several pieces on my floor.

Dan:
If you wear something blue you get two dollars off a giant blue margarita.

Casey:
You know I make a pretty good living. I can actually afford to wear what I want and pay full price.

Dan:
I'm not promoting the economic upside as much as I am the opportunity to drink something giant and blue.

Isaac:
So you say a few words. You make a gesture. You remember an important date. A small price to pay for what you get in return. For what you get in return, it's a steal.

Dana:
I've named this Thanksgiving. I'm calling it "The Thanksgiving of Mom's Disapproval." Included on the two-record set are the hit songs "Why Aren't You Married?" and "Sports Is No Place For An Educated Woman," and "Didn't Anyone Ever Tell You How To Cook A Turkey?"

Dan:
A couple of months ago I wrote a check to someone. Now I'm in the middle of Dickensian London.

Natalie:
Two guys have ascended five miles into the sky. They walked up a wall of ice, and are preparing to knock on the door of Heaven itself. There's really no end to what we can do. You know what the trick is?

Dan:
What?

Natalie:
Get in the game.

Jeremy:
Look at me. I'm not lying to you. I have a straight.

Natalie:
How do you know I don't have a big house?

Jeremy:
A FULL house. Dan already folded the six you needed, and I have the other one. You don't have a house of any sort, you don't have a pup tent. You've got trip sevens, and I have a straight. I want you to trust me right now. I want you to say to yourself, yeah, I've dated a string of jerks in my life, they were stupid, they were mean to me, but maybe this one's different. Maybe I should take a chance and not adopt the break-up-with-him-before-he-breaks-my-heart strategy. I want you to remember that when I started liking you, I didn't stop liking tennis. And I want you to know that I don' t think there's a woman in the world that you need to be threatened by, no matter how glamorous you think she is. But mostly, I want you to trust me, just once, when I tell you you have three sevens, and I have a straight.

Sally:
Anyway, I really appreciate the two of you sticking around and filling in.

Casey:
It's no problem.

Sally:
Oh, please, you think I wanna be stuck doing the two a.m.? This is just a temp gig.

Casey:
Temp gig?

Dan:
Temporary gig.

Casey:
Thanks.

Sally:
My stuff's out there. I talk to a lot of people.

Dan:
Just as long as none of them are talkin' back.

Sally:
CNBC, MSNBC-

Dan:
M-O-U-S-E...

Casey:
Danny-

Dan:
Oh, like she's listening to anybody but herself.

Isaac:
Danny, I need to talk to you.

Dan:
Good, 'cause I need to talk to you too. Who should go first?

Isaac:
Since I don't really care what you have to say, I think it should be me.

Isaac:
Exaudio, comperio, conloquor. That's a Latin phrase that translates "To listen, to learn, to speak." Those words are carved into the stone arches that form the entrance to the undergraduate library at Tennessee Western University. This afternoon, an extraordinary young man named Roland Shepard made what had to have been an excrutiating decision. He said he wasn't playing football under a Confederate flag. Six of his teammates then chose not to let Shepard stand alone. And I choose to join them at this moment. In the history of the South, there's much to celebrate. And that flag is a desecration of all of it. It's a banner of hatred and separation. It's a banner of ignorance and violence and a war that pitted brother against brother, and to ask young black men and women, young Jewish men and women, Asians, Native Americans, to ask Americans to walk beneath its shadow is a humiliation of irreducable proportions. And we all know it. Tennessee Western has produced some outstanding alumni in the past hundred years. People of wisdom and vision. Strength and compassion. One of them is Luther Sachs. Luther Sachs owns Continental Corp. Which owns the Continental Sports Channel, which you're watching right now. Luther Sachs is a generous alumni contributer to Tennessee Western, with a considerable influance over its chancellor, Davis Blake, and its board of trustees. Luther, you've got a phone call to make. You've go to call Chancellor Blake, and tell him to take down that flag, or he can stop looking for your checks in the mail. You've got to put these young men back in a classroom. And I mean pronto. These boys are gonna make you proud one day, Luther. I challenge you to do the right thing. Not an unreasonable request to make of a man whose alma mater declares, "Exaudio, comperio, conloquor." "To listen, to learn, to speak." In the meantime, God go with you, Roland Shepard, and you six Southern gentlemen of Tennessee. God's not done with any of you, yet.

Dan:
You could be having sex with Yoko Ono right now.

Casey:
Please don't ever say that again.

Sally:
As we speak, one of your LC-Wire frames is misprocessing data while two of your associate producers stand over the monitor attempting to have phone sex.

Isaac:
Please don't tell me which two.

Isaac:
Things that I say in my office stay in my office.

Dana:
Natalie's my second-in-command, she's the only one I told.

Natalie:
Jeremy's my boyfriend, he's the only one I told.

Jeremy:
I told many, many people.

Dana:
You think at a certain point during the evening you'll say something wonderful to me and I'll melt and that'll teach me for going out with Gordon instead of you.

Casey:
I'll settle for you spilling something on yourself.

Natalie:
You want to leave the room?

Jeremy:
No!

Natalie:
Then allow for the possibility that from time to time other people might be at least as smart as you are.

Dan:
So, I'm gonna try telling you this story one more time.

Casey:
Can I just make a suggestion?

Dan:
Sure.

Casey:
What if, instead of you telling me this story again right this second, you never tell me this story ever?

Dana:
Wow.

Casey:
Wow what?

Dana:
Those cars are going fast.

Casey:
Yeah, they're going as fast as they can because the first one across the finish line gets a trophy and a check.

Dana:
Like a race?

Casey:
Right.

Casey:
"A neighbourhood park all covered with cheese"?

Dan:
I say cheese?

Casey:
You said cheese.

Dan:
Dana, did I say "park all covered with cheese"?

Dana:
There's a consensus, yes.

Dan:
What are you lookin' at?

Casey:
I'm here for you, man.

Dan:
Let me fix it when we come back.

Dana:
Fix it when we get back.

Casey:
Are we sure it's wrong? Are we sure the park isn't all covered with cheese?

Dan:
It's covered with trees; now shut up.

Casey:
I was just about to change my mind and recommend you.

Dan:
Really?

Casey:
No.

Dan:
Dana, Casey's being mean to me.

Dana:
Casey, be nice to Dan.

Casey:
"Sophomore sensation credits her agility and quick first steps to her father, who used to take her to a neighbourhood park all covered with cheese." Dana, we got all kinds of sentence construction here. I think he's gonna have to explain that it's the park that's covered with cheese and not the father.

Dan:
This is an unforgiving room.

Casey:
I gather it went well.

Dan:
You know sometimes it's worth it, taking all the pies in the face. Sometimes you come through it feeling good.

Casey:
Yes.

Dan:
And how was your day?

Casey:
Sometimes you just stand there, hip deep in pie.

Dan:
You're nineteen feet tall. Why are you wearing heels?

Sally:
Are you feeling diminuitive?

Dan:
No, but now I have to go look up that word.

Jeremy:
Number two, I'm Jewish. And her family is, you know, incredibly not. Which isn't by the way any sort of a problem for me but I do think it might be a problem for them. Because after all there are those who think I killed their Lord Jesus Christ. Not me directly, mind you. I didn't drive the get away car or anything.

Dan:
Casey.

Casey:
I'll tell you what the problem is here.

Dan:
No provolone cheese?

Casey:
No provolone.

Dan:
You're saying you don't want to talk about it.

Casey:
I'm saying I'd like, just once, for there to be provolone.

Dan:
Is this one of those times when you say you don't want to talk about it, but you really do?

Casey:
No, but it's shaping up to be one of those times when I say I don't want to talk about it but we end up talking about it anyway.

Dan:
Hey Sally, you must've slept with this guy Fedrigotti. How long you think he can keep at this?

Sally:
I was just thinking, it's been such a long time since Dan said something charming to me, and then there it was.

Dan:
Did Orlando Rojas pitch this afternoon?

Casey:
I do not know.

Dan:
You don't know?

Casey:
I do not.

Dan:
Natalie, did Orlando Rojas pitch this afternoon?

Natalie:
That's a good question.

Dan:
Thank you very much. Did he pitch this afternoon?

Natalie:
I do not know.

Dan:
Thank God none of us works in sports.

Dan:
You know what pumps me up?

Casey:
I know you like grape jelly.

Dana:
: Listen, Isaac's gonna want to show us pictures from his vacation, so I'm gonna get a "welcome back" cake and we'll have a little party in his office tomorrow.

Casey:
What kind of cake?

Dana:
What kind of cake?

Casey:
Yes.

Dana:
I don't know, Casey, why do you ask?

Casey:
I'm particular about cake. And I have to say, it's been my experience that men buy better cake than women. I've found that women tend to get these yogurt-frosted low-cal things laced with a rum and fruit concoction that make eating cake into something you do to be polite. So that's why I was asking what kind of cake you were planning on getting to celebrate Isaac returning from vacation.

Dana:
Wow. I didn't know you felt so strongly about it. But now that I do, I guess the answer is "whatever cake I damn please."

Casey:
Excellent.

Dana:
You're damn right there's an economy of language. I got the job done in two words. And I think... I can make another cut! Yes. We don't need "back"! We can cut the "back".

Jeremy:
Cut the "back"?

Dana:
Yes.

Jeremy:
And have it just say "Welcome"?

Dana:
Yes.

Casey:
"Welcome"?

Dana:
Do you have a problem with that?

Jeremy:
He'll think he just cleared Customs.

Casey:
Is there anyone who can say anything that will make us feel like the smart thing to do is to stay in this building right now?

Dana:
In ten minutes, three and a half million people will tune in to watch the two of you on television. Many of them will be women.

Dan:
Well, if you've got some calm people and you want to make them upset, I say we're the guys to do it!

Dana:
There are three things that I'm doing. I'm losing things, I'm forgetting things... and there's the third one.

Jeremy:
There are countries other than ours.

Dana:
Yes, there is, for instance, Belgium, to name but one.

Dan:
Alyson, as you can see, Casey and I aren't wearing any pants, so I think in the interest of office professionalism you should avert your eyes.

Alyson:
Okay.

Dan:
Either that or take off your pants.

Alyson:
I'll avert my eyes.

Casey:
Suit yourself, but you should know I play squash three times a week and my calves have been called shapely.

Dan:
...Casey?

Casey:
Yeah?

Dan:
Who's been calling your calves shapely?

Casey:
My mother.

Dan:
Okay. Don't talk to me for the rest of the show.

Dan:
Why is it wrong to tell her, huh?

Casey:
Doesn't seem very manly, does it?

Dan:
[sulkily] Do it in a deep voice.

Casey:
Try not to traumatize the new nanny.

Dan:
Why would I traumatize the new nanny?

Casey:
I don't know, but you always do.

Dan:
I like nannies.

Casey:
I know.

Dan:
I'm thinking of getting one for myself.

Casey:
Good.

Dan:
'Course, she'd probably end up going back to her ex-husband.

Jeremy:
Dana, do you have the first idea how to operate any of this equipment?

Dana:
This is called an owner's manual, my friend, and I've read it cover to cover.

Jeremy:
I've read Doctor Zhivago cover to cover, it doesn't make me the Czar.

Casey:
You should try making it shorter.

Jeremy:
What's the key?

Casey:
In this case?

Jeremy:
Yeah.

Casey:
Making it a lot shorter.

Jeremy:
I can't imagine what i'd cut.

Casey:
Well, you start off with Cedric, the leadoff batter, at the top of the first inning, despite the fact that nobody scored until the 5th inning.

Jeremy:
There's action beyond scoring.

Casey:
Yeah, but Cedric grounded out to the short stop and was thrown out at first by quite a large margin.

Jeremy:
Yeah.

Casey:
Well, that is what is called a routine ground ball. In your search for things that are newsworthy, let the word 'routine' serve as a danger sign.

Casey:
I have a plan.

Dan:
What's the plan?

Casey:
It's Napoleon's plan.

Dan:
Who's Napoleon?

Casey:
Nineteenth century French Emperor?

Dan:
Cracking wise with me now?

Casey:
Yess.

Dan:
Thanks.

Casey:
He had a two-part plan.

Dan:
What was it?

Casey:
First we show up, then we see what happens.