Squidbillies, Season 2

Therapist:
Alright, look. I want you to take all those things that are eating away, weighing you down inside, and I want you to pull them all out... and scream them out at the top of your lungs. Sheriff?

Sheriff:
Who, me?

Therapist:
Yeah, just cut loose. I mean, just get it all off your chest. This is a safe haven for both of you gentlemen.

Sheriff:
Okay. (Shuffles to edge of cliff) Well, you see... Early... well, he don't respect...

Early:
Are you done? Everybody stand back, it's my turn.

Sheriff:
No...

Early:
Nyuh huh, I just called it. (Begins to nudge the Sheriff out of the way)

Sheriff:
(Kicks Early away) Don't you push me! You always push me into positions I don't like! I'm the law! And you break the law and you still expect me to be your friend? How can I be who I am and still be in a relationship with you! It's always about you! You think you're the center of the universe and we all...

[Cut to several hours later, sunset]

Sheriff:
...moved the show to Friday, head-to-head with CSI? Come on! You've got to give a show time to find an audience...

[Cut to several hours later, night has fallen]

Sheriff:
...hell, you know he can act! He played Doogie Howser for seven seasons!

Therapist:
(Claps) Excellent work gentlemen, excellent. (Looks at watch, begins to back away) Hey, ah, I think this is about as good as it gets, guys...

Sheriff:
Naw! Naw! Without us they have no network...

[Cut to serveral hours later, sunrise]

Sheriff:
...often wondered if I even do have a pair! Yes, of testicles! (Grabs crotch) I've never seen them, no! And you dressed me in chiffon! Pretty, pretty chiffon! Well, guess what! I think I'm pregnant... again! Thanks a lot, mama! (Whips off shirt and throws it off the cliff) Whew, well, that felt pretty good.

Therapist:
(Begins to back away) I, I really need to, um, sorta wrap this thing up.

Early:
Wait a minute! Ain't I gonna get to yell nothin'?

Therapist:
Well, (sighs) sure Early... go ahead.

Early:
Whoo! Gimme back my bullets! Ooh, that smell! What the hell is that smell? (Holds up lighter) Whoo!

Therapist:
Well, um... do you have any concerns of not really a Skynyrd-deep cut?

Early:
Uh, yeah, something has been kinda gnawing at me. Stand back. (Yells off cliff) Show me them titties!

Sheriff:
Are you talkin' to my mama?

Early:
If she'll do it! Will she do it?

Therapist:
I'm not a therapist. I'm The Rapist.

Granny:
Don't you dare hurt him!

Early:
Oh, and what's your saggy mouth gunna say about it?

Granny:
Ablomandelebicus, Pentoculus, Benturpenoise, Farntormion, Crisco, Dophenecta, Glabbafontonion, Smectarufus, Fontanox, Chicken Dance, Trenoctor, Pontallafamarion, Tudonox, Mellicanisis!

[the walls of the house open up and Earlie is struck by lightning]

Early:
You lucky bitch! That was the one thing you coulda said.

Granny:
Yeah Okay.

Early:
"I ain't goin' no where.....cept' hell. And I'm takin' you with me."

Early:
Don't time fly when you're drunk as hell!

Early:
Oh Lord who done made all creatures great and small in his own image: Did you make 'em fine-ass-soundin' speakers over there what would sound gooder than hell comin' out of the back of my truck-boat-truck? Well if you don't want me to jimmy-jack 'em sweet tweeters you best give me a sign...

(Early rips off a sticker reading "EARLY CUYLER / DO NOT TOUCH!")

Early:
A new sign - I done seen that'n.

(Early awakens from a coma to the sound of a life support machine. He opens his eyes to see his son Rusty standing over him saying "Boop... boop... boop...")

Rusty:
Y'all hear that? That's what it'd sound like if we had insurance.

Early:
Yes granny - I seen the light. Like a DUI roadblock in the sky. But I pulled a U-ie and hauled ass through the woods! And now my life has purpose. Goodbye party liquor! Gunnery, you have a good'un! Masturbation... uh... let's just call it a hiatus. From now on, I am a bushhog on the front-end loader of the Lord!

Early:
(In a strip club) Yes darlin', your chest is full and heaving. But what about the heart that lays beneath them puppies? Look here (pulls out a religious tract)... I want you to read this here literature.

Early:
Nope! Pick it up with your butt cheeks!

Granny:
Will you keep it down for cryin' out loud? I'm trying to watch my stories. (Stares at a butter churn which has replaced the TV) And I'm havin' a really hard time. Stories?

Early:
Nuh-uh. I done give away the story box. From now on we gonna enjoy this classic butter churn. (Begins churning)

Granny:
(Looks around) Oh where's the TV? 'Cause now I'm pissed.

Early:
Come on now, everybody take a turn! Idle hands is the devil's ding-a-ling!

Early:
I'll be here for 40 days and 40 nights if thats what it takes to keep these commandments on display! What's next, they're goin' to try to take it out of our schools? Bullmess! I am against it!

(Shows Early later in the same place)

Early:
I'm against mens kissin mens, for any reason, but when womerns do it... [coughs]... That, uh, that seems alright. Uhh, any womerns here willing to make out with another woman...

(Shows Early even later while still in the same place)

Early:
I'm against all digits below and above the number 9. They, they all blasphemous. Uhh, and Nitrogen, 'cause you know it was brought here in ships by space Jews! Hell yeah, you know the ones.

Sheriff:
Looks like they found out your name wasn't Awesome Bill from Dawsomeville.

Early:
Well yeah it is.

Sheriff:
... No. Early, it's not.

Early:
Damnit to hell you know that too?

Sheriff:
Well, here we are! Terminus, capital of the dirty south. Rising like a phoenix from the ashes of the civil war. Y'all recongnize this place here?

Rusty:
Wait a minute, this the place where Kenny Rogers shot that scene with the kids of Six Pack, ain't it?

Sheriff:
1982! The coward of the county's own self stood right here!

Sheriff:
Stone Mountain. World's most appropriately named mountain in the South East. And look carved there on the side, the four horseman of the confederacy. Stonewall Jackson, Robert E. Lee, Jefferson Davis, and Pacman!

Early:
A rebel's hero. Come up to Gettysburg to kick some damn ass! If it weren't for Pacman, we might'a lost the damn war!

Early:
(on Rudolph's head) Check this out--a bonafide 8-point. I'm gonna mount it on my toilet.

Santa:
(tied to a chair) He was so rare.

Early:
He's about to be medium-rare.

Santa:
What could you possibly want from me?

Early:
Oh, I think you know what I want, Santy Claus.

Santa:
Cuyler, it's impossible...

Early:
I only ever asked ya for one thing.

Santa:
I just...I can't do it.

Early:
(jumping onto Santa's beard) Damn it, I been a good boy! Now how many years I gotta wait? I want me the greatest gift of all!

Santa:
I won't bring you the still-beating heart of Jeff Gordon! All right? I've said it!

Early:
Well...Nicholas, I'm disappointed. We'll do it this way--Russell, get me my straight razor.

Santa:
No, no, please, we don't have to go this way.

Early:
Okay, okay, you right.

Santa:
Thank you.

Early:
I'm thinkin' the rusty fish scaler instead.

Head Elf:
Dispatch the Silent Knights!

Elves:
(disguised as carolers in a manger, singing) Fall on your knees...

(They pull out ninja weapons)

Elf:
I said fall on your knees, you son-of-a-bitch!

Santa:
What are you going to do to me?

Early:
You ever see the movie Saw II?

Santa:
Oh no, oh no, please, please...

Early:
No? Me, neither.

Early:
I done tell you once, you son-of-a-bitch, I'm the best that's ever been!

Santa:
What?

Rusty:
Fire in the mountain, run boys run!

Sheriff:
Early, it's my job to protect and serve all forms of life, even the unhatched. Every American has the right to life!

Rusty:
Even that crazy bitch in Houston what killed all them cats in the bathtub?

Sheriff:
Well yeah, she should die, but I'm talking about the unborn. Inside that egg is a beatin' heart; a soul, this small. And uh, while I don't understand how Rusty might have conceived-

Early:
Diplarobosomosexualosmosis, right down 'ere in his buttcrack.

Sheriff:
Alright, alright, whatever, is that how he did it? My point is, this is a life. And even though you don't love it, you don't have any money, and you won't give it any opportunities, this here egg could grow up to be president. Or find the cure for homosexuality! waiterminute, hell, even become the next Tom T. Hall!

Early:
So whatcher sayin' is uh, that my grandbaby rightchere might someday grow up to be the gay president of Tom T. Hall? Outstandiner than hell.

Early:
Fruit don't talk, fruit just listens... and waits.

Granny[after being shot by Rusty}:
Jesus! I've been filled by your spirit! Oh no wait a minute I thinks that's a bullet. I'm comin' Jesus.

Rusty:
I'm sorry Granny you alright?

Granny:
Aaaah! A Talkin' honeydew! It's the apocalypse!"  :

Early:
"I'm bout ta slap ya lips!"

Granny "Did one of you assholes just shoot me?!"

Early:
Aight now, ya'll bow yer heads. Lord...(Rusty blares out Electronia music and begins dancing with glowsticks) Russell, kindly turn down the electronica. (Rusty turns off music) Lord, please allow these scratched lottery tickets with their slivery seasonings to nourish our bodies as they were unable to do the same to our wallets. And thank ya fer the untimely frost which clamed my bananer orchard. Oh, I was a fool ta plant bananers on a mountain! You made sure of that. So, in short, thanks for nothin'.

Lil:
Ain't you gonna thank him fer that truck-boat-truck of yers?

Early:
You silly bitch! Don't be tellin' him 'bout my truck-boat-truck!

Rusty:
But, Daddy, you tell everybody 'bout that truck-boat-truck. That's yer pride and joy.

Early:
'Cause its bad-ass is why! Check out this mess!

(cuts to Early spinning the tires of a monster truck)

Early:
Listen to that 450 big block! Wahow!

(engine explodes)

Lil:
That ain't Patrick Swayze.

Granny:
He is if I have enough cold beer.

Early:
Patrick, I know you must get this all the time, but if it wouldn't be too much trouble for ya, would you please drop a double duce ass whoopin' on my boy.

Patrick Swayze:
I'm from texas... I ride horses.

Early:
Can't take the pee, get out the pee-ery!

Early:
How'd a hog, what ain't got no money, get money to buy damn drugs, Lil!

Early:
Is your hog on drugs? How would you know? How could you tell? Look for these here warnin' signs. Sudden weight loss. Euphoria leadin' to paranoia. Stealitization of your thangs. And jibbery-style oinkery what make no sense a 'tall. Warn your hog about the dangers of meth a 'fore it's too damn late. I'm Early Cuyler and this concludes my court-ordered community service.

Judge:
Counselour approach the bench...your lookin' at an uphill battle here, I mean he did look at him crossways, and this is Georgia, I mean, we are still very backwards, in many ways.

Early:
Take that! You other inanimate... sales items!

Dan Halen:
Jesus loves you. Why doesn't the government?

"'Early"':
What the- "'Granny"':It's a trap!