Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Season 2

Quark:
Must I remind you of the 76th Rule of Acquisition?

Rom:
Uh, 76th...

Quark:
“Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies.”

[after Quark informs Odo that The Circle is being supplied with weapons from the Kressari and Odo tells him to get more information]

Odo:
Quark, I hate to do this, but I guess I'll have to—

Quark:
That's not fair!

Odo:
I haven't done anything yet.

Quark:
Whatever you're going to do, it's not fair.

Odo:
You're a deputy.

Quark:
It's not— What?!

Odo:
You're a deputy. I want you to find out where the weapons are going on Bajor. Meanwhile, I'm going to find out exactly where they're coming from.

Quark:
You and me, a team?

Odo:
That's right.

[Quark bellows his head off with laughter, then sobers and hastily turns to leave.]

Quark:
Goodbye.

Odo:
Either that, or I'm putting you in a cell.

Quark:
That's not fair. On what charge?

Odo:
Impeding an investigation. Unless you want to reveal the identities of the people you've been talking to.

Quark:
You know I can't do that.

Odo:
It's your choice. You're a deputy or you're a prisoner.

Quark:
[with fake enthusiasm] I'm a deputy.

[Quark is pushing a heavy chest down the access tunnel]

Julian Bashir:
Quark, leave it!

Quark:
I can't leave it—it's all that I have. My personal mementos, my family album—

Julian Bashir:
It's full of gold-pressed latinum, and you know it.

Quark:
Who told you?

Julian Bashir:
Your mother did, the day you were born.

[Quark shoves the chest aside and speed-crawls down the tunnel until he's nose-to-nose with Bashir]

Quark:
NEVER MAKE FUN OF A FERENGI'S MOTHER. Rule of Acquisition Number 31!

[N.B. In the published companion book, the complete rule is, "Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother. Insult something he cares about instead."]

Jadzia Dax:
Without navigational sensors—

Kira Nerys:
We'll have to fly by the seat of our pants.

Jadzia Dax:
Great! Seat-of-pants technology.

Kira Nerys:
You Starfleet types are too dependent on gadgets and gizmos. You lose your natural instincts for survival.

Jadzia Dax:
My natural instincts for survival told me not to climb aboard this thing. I'd say they're functioning pretty well.

Odo:
That's a very personal question.

Dax:
I'm sorry, but after seven lifetimes, impersonal questions aren't much fun anymore.

Jadzia Dax:
[scared by a crawling animal] Oh! Whoa! What's that?! Is that a spider or a dog?

Kira Nerys:
Palucko. The Bajoran moons are full of them.

Jadzia Dax:
Oh. I suppose you used to make them your pets, and sing songs about them ‘round the campfire.

Kira Nerys:
No. We used to eat 'em.

Jadzia Dax:
I've been a mother three times and a father twice.

Benjamin Sisko:
Which was easier?

Jadzia Dax:
Actually, I wasn't very successful either way.

General Krim:
I'm returning to the surface immediately to consult with the Ministers. I expect I will be asked to resign. Commander, since the provisional government has prevailed, I believe it is appropriate to return the command of this station to Starfleet. Well fought, sir."

Verad Dax:
Don't be ridiculous, you're not going to shoot me.

Commander Benjamin Sisko:
What makes you so sure?

Verad Dax:
This is Dax you're talking to, Benjamin. We both know that if you shoot me, even on stun, you risk killing the symbiont.

Commander Benjamin Sisko:
If I let you go, Jadzia dies.

Verad Dax:
But Dax will live. What's one girl's life compared to eight lifetimes of knowledge and experience? [smirks] You're not going to shoot me. You know that, and so do I. Goodbye, Benjamin. [he walks past Sisko into the shuttle]

Commander Benjamin Sisko:
Verad! [Verad turns around as Sisko raises his phaser] Don't call me Benjamin! [Sisko shoots Verad]

Elim Garak:
I believe in coincidences. Coincidences happen every day. But I don't trust coincidences.

Quark:
“A deal is a deal!” Rule of Acquisition Number 16.

[N.B. In the published companion book, the complete rule is, "A deal is a deal is a deal... until a better one comes along."]

Klingon Restaurant Owner:
I like a customer who knows what she wants.

Julian Bashir:
Out here in space, no one is completely independent. We all depend on one another.

Melora:
Well, you can depend on me.

Julian Bashir:
And you've proven that. So what is it going to take for the rest of us to prove to you that you can depend on us?

Quark:
Never place friendship above profit.

Pell:
21st Rule of Acquisition.

Quark:
I'm glad you agree.

Pell:
But the 22nd Rule of Acquisition says, "A wise man can hear profit in the wind."

Pell:
I wanted to learn from the very best.

Quark:
Uh-huh. Which brings to mind the 33rd Rule of Acquisition...

Pell/Quark:
"It never hurts to suck up to the boss!"

Pell:
Just remember one thing—the bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.

Quark:
48th Rule of Acquisition.

Quark:
I think I agree with the 59th Rule of Acquisition: "Free advice is seldom cheap."

Pell:
The riskier the road, the greater the profit.

Quark:
62nd Rule.

Pell:
That's right!

Pell:
But you know what 103rd Rule of Acquisition says!

Quark:
Not offhand.

Pell:
"Sleep can interfere with..."

Quark:
And I don't care either!

Rom:
He's dying, isn't he? He's dying! What am I gonna do if my brother dies?

Odo:
Do? Oh, you'll have a lot to do once this place is yours.

Rom:
But if my brother dies— Mine?

Odo:
"Wives serve, brothers inherit." Rule of Acquisition 139, if I'm not mistaken.

Rom:
(brightening) I hadn't thought of that.

Odo:
Didn't you? I had. In fact, it gives someone a strong motive for murder.

Rom:
Well, yes, I've heard of one or two cases where— Wait a minute! You're not suggesting that I—

Odo:
I've had my eye on you for a long time, Rom. You're not as stupid as you look.

Rom:
I am, too!

Quark:
The 47th Rule of Acquisition says, "Don't trust a man wearing a better suit than your own."

Martus Mazur:
You're enjoying this, aren't you?

Quark:
Taken in by one of your own victims, and no one to turn to but me? Ha-ha-ha! I can't remember when I've been so entertained.

Martus Mazur:
I still have my dignity.

Quark:
"Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack." Rule of Acquisition Number 109.

(Bashir and O'Brien are presumed dead. Dax and Kira are lifting a glass to them in Quark's, and Quark wants to add his own tribute.)

Quark:
They were good customers.

Kira:
What?! That's it?!

Quark:
At times like this, I'm reminded of the 57th Rule of Acquisition: "Good customers are as rare as latinum. Treasure them."

Quark:
194: “It's always good business to know about new customers before they walk in your door.”

[O'Brien is getting a physical]

Julian Bashir:
Well, your sense of humour seems normal enough.

Miles O'Brien:
I don't have a sense of humour.

Julian Bashir:
Cough. [O'Brien coughs] How's the sex life?

Miles O'Brien:
I don't have a sense of humour.

[O'Brien gets a cup of coffee from the replicator]

Miles O'Brien:
You're drinking too much of this stuff, O'Brien—

Miles O'Brien:
I need to stay alert, O'Brien.

Quark:
Rule of Acquisition 112: “Never have sex with the boss' sister.”

Julian Bashir:
If you're not a spy, maybe you're an outcast.

Elim Garak:
Or maybe I'm an outcast spy.

Julian Bashir:
How can you be both?

Elim Garak:
I never said I was either.

[Odo discovers an aged Klingon entered his office undetected while his back was turned]

Odo:
How did you get in here?

Koloth:
I am Koloth.

Odo:
That doesn't answer my question.

Koloth:
Yes, it does.

Kira Nerys:
Jadzia, your questions about my experience with killing— If you're wondering what it's like— When you take someone else's life, you lose a part of your own as well.

Jadzia Dax:
Kang and Koloth don't want me to come with you.

Kor:
Well, Kang thinks too much. Koloth doesn't feel enough.

Dax:
And where do you stand?

Kor:
[distracted] Huh? Hmm? Oh, of course you should come. The splendor of fighting and killing, a blood bath in the cause of vengeance. Who wouldn't want to come?

Kor:
The only weight I carry now, dear comrade, is... is my own bulbous body. I was once, if you remember, far less than you see... and far more than I've become. I'm sorry.

Dax:
What is this preoccupation you have with dying? I think living is much more attractive.

[outside the Albino's compound]

Kor:
How do we even know if he's inside?

Dax:
Good question.

Koloth:
(gets up) Wait here.

Kor:
Where are you going?

Koloth:
I'm going to find out if he's inside.

Kor:
And how do you intend to do that?

Koloth:
I'll ask somebody!

Kang I was right after all, Dax. It is a good day to die. (dies)

Jadzia Dax:
It's never a good day to lose a friend.

Quark:
Never begin a negotiation on an empty stomach.

Gul Dukat:
Now do you see, Commander? That without any help from either of us, they have managed to start their own little war out here.

Gul Dukat:
A good interrogator doesn't allow his subject to die; you lose the advantage.

Quark:
It all comes down to the Third Rule of Acquisition. You don't know that one, do you?

Sakonna:
I am not well-versed in Ferengi philosophy.

Quark:
Remind me to give you a copy of the Rules; you'll never know when they'll come in handy. Now, the Third Rule clearly states, "Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to."

Sakonna:
Logical. But I fail to see how that applies to my situation.

Quark:
You want to acquire peace. Fine, peace is good. But how much are you willing to pay for it?

Sakonna:
Whatever it costs.

Quark:
That's the kind of irresponsible spending that causes so many business ventures to fail. You're forgetting the Third Rule! Right now, peace could be bought at a bargain price, and you don't even realize it.

Sakonna:
...I find this very confusing.

Quark:
[sighs] Then I'll make it so simple that even a Vulcan can understand: the Central Command has been caught red-handed smuggling weapons to their settlers. So every ship that approaches the de-militarized zone will be searched. Without the support of the Central Command, the Cardassian settlers won't be so eager to fight.

Sakonna:
You forget the weapons they already have.

Quark:
They have weapons, you have weapons, everyone has weapons. But right now, no one has a clear advantage! So the price of peace is at an all-time low. This is the perfect time to sit down and hammer out an agreement. Don't you get it? Attacking the Cardassians now will only escalate the conflict, and make peace more expensive in the long run. Now, I ask you... is that logical?

Benjamin Sisko:
Do you know what the trouble is?

Kira Nerys:
No.

Benjamin Sisko:
The trouble is Earth.

Kira Nerys:
Really?

Benjamin Sisko:
On Earth, there is no poverty, no crime, no war. You look out the window of Starfleet Headquarters and you see paradise. Well, it's easy to be a saint in paradise, but the Maquis do not live in paradise. Out there, in the demilitarized zone, all the problems haven't been solved yet. Out there, there are no saints. Just people. Angry, scared, determined people who are going to do whatever it takes to survive, whether it meets with the Federation approval or not.

Elim Garak:
I am no more a spy than you are...

Julian Bashir:
...a doctor.

Julian Bashir:
Still the man of mystery.

Elim Garak:
Oh, you wouldn't have me any other way.

Julian Bashir:
Well, in my medical opinion, it's sick.

Julian Bashir:
(to Jadzia Dax) I'm a doctor, not a botanist!

Elim Garak:
Doctor, has anyone ever told you that you are an infuriating pest?

Julian Bashir:
Chief O'Brien—all the time, and I never pay any attention to him either!

Julian Bashir:
And so they exiled you.

Elim Garak:
That's right! And left me to live out my days with nothing to look forward to but having lunch with you.

Julian Bashir:
I'm sorry you feel that way. I thought you enjoyed my company.

Elim Garak:
Oh, I did! And that's the worst part. I can't believe that I actually enjoyed eating mediocre food and staring into your smug sanctimonious face.

Bashir:
Try not to yell at any more admirals for a while.

Sisko:
I wasn't yelling. I was expressing my opinion loudly.

Quark:
"How'd you like to earn a little extra latinum? Maybe enough to buy yourself a promotion?"

Boheeka:
"You have my undivided attention.""Quark, you idiot!"

Quark:
"Is something wrong?"

Boheeka:
"Is something wrong?! I'm ruined! My career is over!"

Julian Bashir:
That Cardassian Quark was talking to, Boheeka. I suppose he really did have a reason to fear the Obsidian Order."

Enabran Tain,:
Everyone has reason to fear the Order.

Julian Bashir:
What I want to know is: out of all the stories you told me, which ones were true and which ones weren't?

Elim Garak:
My dear doctor...they're all true.

Julian Bashir:
Even the lies?

Elim Garak:
Especially the lies.

Kira Nerys:
I'm Kira Nerys.

Intendant:
That makes two of us.

Sisko:
We've got ships from here to New Bajor looking for the two of you. Where have you been?

Kira:
Through the looking glass, Commander.

Quark:
285: “No good deed ever goes unpunished.”

Keiko O'Brien:
Didn't you bring the holocam?

Miles O'Brien:
Was I supposed to?

Keiko O'Brien:
You said you were going to.

Miles O'Brien:
Did I?

Keiko O'Brien:
Last night, when we were going over the list in bed.

Miles O'Brien:
Not me. I was dead as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Keiko O'Brien:
You talked to me for a half hour.

Miles O'Brien:
No, there must have been someone else in bed with us.

Miles O'Brien:
I've been told that I've already been charged, indicted, convicted, and sentenced. What would I need with a lawyer?

Kovat:
Ah, Mister O'Brien, if it seems immodest of me, I apologize, but the role of Public Conservator is key to the productive functioning of our courts. I'm here to help you concede the wisdom of the state, to prepare you to accept the inevitable with equanimity. There is an old Cardassian expression: “Confession is good for the soul.” But it's also good for the populace to see people like you confess. It makes them feel better about themselves. It makes their lives more bearable.

Miles O'Brien:
So that's what this is all about? Make the people of Cardassia feel better, huh?

Kovat:
No, no, no, but that's not a bad side effect.

Miles O'Brien:
Have you ever won a case?

Kovat:
Winning isn't everything.

Miles O'Brien:
You don't know me very well, Constable, but I've been in service to the Federation—Starfleet—all my adult life. No one has ever questioned my loyalty. No one in my entire life has ever had cause to ask, “Miles O'Brien, are you a criminal?” I took an oath to defend the Federation and what it stands for. I don't steal from them. I don't lie to them. I'm no angel, but I try to live every day as the best human being I know how to be. I need my little girl to wake up in the morning and look up at me and see a man she can respect. Until now, she always could.

Odo:
Being accused of a crime is not a disgrace, Chief. Some of the great figures of history have shared the honor with you.

Miles O'Brien:
I didn't figure on dying a martyr.

Odo:
Not all of them were martyrs; not all of them died. Some of them were just innocent men, like you.

Kovat:
What? What happened?

Odo:
You won.

Kovat:
I won?... They'll kill me.

Quark:
102: “Nature decays, but latinum lasts forever.”

Quark:
I think I figured out why humans don't like Ferengi.

Benjamin Sisko:
Not now, Quark.

Quark:
The way I see it, humans used to be a lot like Ferengi: greedy, acquisitive, interested only in profit. We're a constant reminder of a part of your past you'd like to forget.

Benjamin Sisko:
Quark, we don't have time for this.

Quark:
You're overlooking something. Humans used to be a lot worse than Ferengi: slavery, concentration camps, interstellar war. We have nothing in our past that approaches that kind of barbarism. You see? We're nothing like you: we're better.

[Sisko and Quark have been captured by the Jem'Hadar]

Third Talak'talan:
A Ferengi and a human. I was hoping the first race I'd meet from the other side of the anomaly would be the Klingons.

Benjamin Sisko:
I'm sorry to disappoint you.

Third Talak'talan:
It's too late for apologies. The Dominion will no longer stand by and allow ships from your side to violate our territory.

Dr. Mora Pol:
You are truly a remarkable life-form, Odo.