Stargate Atlantis, Season 2

[After Atlantis receives a transmission from Sheppard, who they believe to be dead]

Maj. Sheppard:
[over radio] Atlantis base this is Sheppard.

Dr. Weir:
[in disbelief] John?

Maj. Sheppard:
What other Sheppards do you know?

[Two Marines beam down into Atlantis with a ZPM]

Dr. Beckett:
[jumps] How did they do that?!

Dr. McKay:
[upon seeing his military escort, comprised of only two men] Whoa, whoa. This is my military escort?

Dr. Weir:
Well, we are spread a bit thin right now.

Dr. McKay:
Okay, okay. [to the escort] But remember, you have to be willing to put your life on the line for me.

Dr. Weir:
Rodney!

Dr. McKay:
For the Zed-PM. That's what I meant. Protect the Zed-PM at all costs. [pause] And me.

Sheppard:
[is beamed to the gateroom from the Daedelaus] Hello, I'm home! [Weir hugs him, Sheppard is stunned]

Weir:
Yes you are. [pause] I truly thought that-

Sheppard:
Yeah, yeah, I thought the same about you for a while there. We have to stop that [referring to the fact that each thought the other had perished]

Weir:
[smiling] I'd like that.

Dr. Weir:
Rodney, we need the shield up in 45 seconds.

Dr. McKay:
What are you kidding me?!

Dr. Weir:
No, Rodney!

Dr. McKay:
Okay, because I think you're trying to find the point at which a will completely snap. [puts the ZPM in the slot, nothing happens]

Dr. Weir:
Rodney nothings happening.

Dr. McKay:
What?! That should be it.

Dr. Weir:
20 seconds.

Dr. McKay:
Okay, SNAP! You happy now?!

Dr. Weir:
Rodney!

Dr. Weir:
Rodney, you can take the rest of the day off.

Dr. McKay:
Oh. I am gonna curl up in bed with the largest sandwich I can find. [lays down on the floor like he's going to go to sleep]

Teyla:
Shall I just explain to the rest of the Wraith left on the base that you are unavailable to fight?

Maj. Sheppard:
Look, I'm not asking you swim out there! I'm asking you to push a few buttons!

Col. Caldwell:
Can we submerge the city again?

Dr. McKay:
It's a city, not a yo-yo.

Dr. Weir:
Ok, what are our options?

Dr. McKay:
Let me see, we've got quick death, slow death, painful death, cold, lonely death...

Dr. McKay:
[whispering] They're scanning for us.

Dr. Weir:
Why are you whispering?

Dr. McKay:
I don't know, it just seemed like the right thing to do.

Hermiod:
What are you doing?

Dr. McKay:
I'm just checking something-I'm sure it is impossible.

[Types a command into a console. The numbers on the screen change to symbols]

Dr. McKay:
Crap!

Hermiod:
What did you do?

Dr. McKay:
I just ran it through a translation program-it's Wraith.

[Hermiod looks at the screen, then at Dr. Mckay]

Hermiod:
"Crap" indeed.

[Lt. Col. Sheppard stares at Hermiod suspiciously]

Dr. McKay:
Don't stare. He hates it when people stare.

Lt. Col Sheppard:
[whispers] Am I the only one who thinks it's strange we're working with an alien?

Dr. McKay:
Intergalactic hyper drive technology is kind of new to us, so we need his help.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Is he supposed to be naked like that?

Dr. Weir:
You said you wanted the best.

Dr. Beckett:
But all of these people are more qualified than I am, how am I supposed to choose between them?!

Dr. Weir:
Dr. Beckett, you are my chief medical head, I have full trust in you to make the right decision.

Dr. Beckett:
[smiles] Well, when you put it that way...

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
This is what I do when I'm having problems with my laptop. I turn it off, then I turn it on again.

Dr. Weir:
I think it's a little more complicated than that.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
I'm just saying, if we're taking a page from the John Sheppard Book of Computer Repair, we're really desperate.

Dr. McKay:
My nose is peeling! [to Carson] Do you have, uh, any moisturizer?

Dr. Beckett:
Yes Rodney.

Dr. McKay:
Oh, we should get that.

Dr. Beckett:
[sigh] Yes Rodney.

[Major Lorne and Dr. Parrish are walking through a forest on P3M-736]

Maj. Lorne:
You know, when they told me I'd be travelling to another galaxy, visiting strange new worlds, defending humanity against unimaginable alien threats, this just is not what I pictured!

Dr. Parrish:
We could be saving Earth -- right here, right now, Major.

Maj. Lorne:
Oh yeah? How's that?

Dr. Parrish:
Through a greater understanding of the long-term effects of severe ozone depletion on plant life. You may not want to admit it, but it's a real danger.

Maj. Lorne:
[sarcastically] Oh yeah! Sure! Global warming -- Wraith attack. I see the similarity now, you're right! Yeah, it's great!

Dr McKay:
Look, I want to get Ford back just as much as everyone else. But have you seen my complexion?

Teyla:
[sarcastictly] Yes.

Dr McKay:
It's very fair. This isn't fair.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
And, Major, you get McKay.

Maj. Lorne:
Ooo, lucky me...

Dr McKay:
So what kind of training do you guys have to go through to get this sort of mission?

Maj. Lorne:
You guys?

Dr McKay:
Yeah, army, navy, air force, marines.

Maj. Lorne:
And by this mission you mean hunting down an escaped weapons specialist hopped up on Wraith drugs in the pitch black of an alien planet?

Dr McKay:
Yes.

Maj. Lorne:
Actually, I think I skipped that course in major school.

Maj. Lorne:
Wow, you must really be some kind of genius.

Dr McKay:
Well, as a matter of fact I ...eh, wait a minute, why would you say that now?

Maj. Lorne:
Something has to have kept Col. Sheppard from shooting you all this time.

Dr. Weir:
Pack up what you need.

Dr. Beckett:
I don't think an operating room and bloody army would fit through the gate.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
You heard of Androcles and the lion?

Dr. Beckett:
Aye. And who are you in this retelling? The Romans?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
What the hell are you doing?!

Teyla:
Getting my hand free.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Doesn't feel that way!

[Dr. Beckett to Ronon Dex while operating on him in the open without sedative]

Dr. Beckett:
Look, I just wanna say one last time: I really don't think this is a good idea. We're cutting very close to your spinal column here, if you're to flinch...

Ronon:
I won't flinch.

Dr. McKay:
You can't kill an unarmed, upside down man!

[Col. Sheppard and Teyla are talking about how all the wraith woke up]

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Too many mouths to feed - or hands to feed.

Dr. Beckett:
You have a date Rodney? With a woman?

Dr. McKay:
It is simply two adults sharing some friendly- Yes, with a woman!

[Sparks fly from a downed Wraith dart, causing Dr. Zelenka to jump in terror]

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
First time off world?

Dr. Zelenka:
Yes.

Lt Col. Sheppard:
Well, if there were any more Wraith, they would have attacked us by now.

Dr. Zelenka:
Really?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
If it makes you feel better.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Maybe there's something wrong with him an MRI wouldn't pick up, if you know what I mean.

Dr. McKay:
I'm not crazy, I just have another consciousness in my brain.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
So he just looks crazy?

Dr. McKay:
I'm sure I do, but only because Dr. Fumbles McStupid here was in way over his head!

Dr. Zelenka:
Yes! I made a mistake trying to save your life! Now, do you want to try and fix it, or do you want to continue to berate me some more?

Dr. McKay:
I am perfectly capable of doing both at the same time.

[Two white mice had been de-materialized, and re-materialized as black cinders]

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
I'm no scientist, but those mice used to be a different color...

[McKay/Cadman is about to be dematerialized to separate Cadman's consciousness from McKay's body]

McKay/Cadman:
[as Cadman] Wait. [walks over to Beckett and kisses him, causing the others to shift uncomfortably] Just in case it doesn't work. [McKay regains control and backs away in horror] Just... just... hit it!

[Ronon walks over to a steaming pot on a campfire and tastes it]

Dr. McKay:
What are you - Oh, my gosh, he's tasting it! [to Ronon] You don't know what that is, that could be their laundry!

Ronon:
Pretty good.

Dr. McKay:
Oh, yes. Good idea. And when you're finished with their poridge, Why don't we try their beds?

Ronon:
[to Rodney] Want some?

Dr. McKay:
How good is it?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Leave it be, Goldilocks.

[The team is talking to Dr. Weir on the radio about their prison island]

Dr. McKay:
I prefer lethal injection, although I do have a certain fondess for the eletric chair. Call me romantic.

Teyla:
Do you kill all your violent criminals on Earth?

Dr. McKay:
[Looks at Col. Sheppard] Certain countries, yes.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Can we not get into this right now?

[The prisoners shoot down the Jumper and it crash lands]

Teyla:
Are you all right?

Dr. McKay:
I think I chipped a tooth. Did I chip a tooth? Am I bleeding? Because I am a high risk for endocarditis.

[After they walk out of the jumper they find themselves surrounded by the prisoners]

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Hi, folks. I hope I didn't crash-land on anybody.

Dr. McKay:
What am I, MacGyver? Fix it with what?!

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Right now I'm saying knock it off.

Ronon:
Is that an order, Sheppard?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
I'm beat up, tied up, and couldn't order a pizza right now if I wanted to, but if you need it to be, yeah, it's an order.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Easy, Chewie, you're gonna cut your hands off.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
How much time do you need to rework the DHD?

Dr. McKay:
Well, in a perfect world, two days.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Rodney?

Dr. McKay:
Right now, uh, ten minutes, give or take.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
How's it coming, Rodney?

Dr. McKay:
Slower than I expected, but faster than humanly possible.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Good, any chance of getting the cloaking generator back on line?

Dr. McKay:
Okay, and uh maybe then you want me to make you a nice sandwich?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Only if it's humanly possible.

Dr. McKay:
This is definitely Ancient design. Their latest stuff. [Blows a large amount of dust of the console] Their latest stuff being ten thousand years old.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Best case scenario?

Dr. McKay:
I win a Nobel Prize.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Worst case scenario?

Dr. McKay:
We tear a hole in the fabric of the universe. [Sheppard looks horrified] Which is much less likely to happen than the Nobel Prize.

[about Dr. McKay]

Dr. Weir:
He really sold you.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
He asked me to trust him.

Dr. McKay:
Okay, we've been over this. I'm doing it manually, at half power. It's a cakewalk.

Zelenka:
I don't think it matters how much cake you walk on.

Dr. Weir:
You destroyed three-quarters of a solar system!

Dr. McKay:
Five-sixths, but it's not an exact science.

Dr. Weir:
Rodney, can you give your ego a rest for one second?!

Boy:
Is it true? You're going to hunt the Deimos?

Dr. McKay:
It looks that way.

Boy:
I heard it has two heads, and can turn you to stone just by looking at you!

Dr. McKay:
[impatient] Well, you heard wrong.

Boy:
My uncle says it'll come and take me if I don't do my chores.

Dr. McKay:
He said that, huh? Well then, if we get rid of it, you've got nothing to worry about. You'll never have to do chores ever again.

Boy:
Really?!

Dr. McKay [irritated] Yes. Look - go away!

Lt. Col. Sheppard [On Wraith physiology]:
So it's a teenage thing? Pimples, rebellion, life-sucking?

Dr. Beckett:
Something like that!

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
McKay, stay here and help Beckett.

Dr. McKay:
Medical research isn't really my thing.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
And hunting the Wraith?

Dr. McKay:
Uh, I meant I could stay, and... help... Beckett

Dr. McKay:
Never could get into Biology. It's too much information about the human body. One time I took it as an undergraduate, I diagnosed myself with half a dozen separate medical conditions before I had to drop the class.

Dr. Beckett:
[preoccupied looking through a microscope] Really?

Dr. McKay:
Yeah, believe it or not, back then I was a bit of a hypochondriac.

Dr. Beckett:
You know, this does require a bit of concentration.

Dr. McKay:
[snarky and obnoxious] What? Am I bothering you?

[Dr. Beckett is wheeling Col. Sheppard into the Infirmary on a gurney]

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
This really isn't necessary, Doc.

Dr. Beckett:
Yes it is, you've got a serious laceration on your arm and you've lost a good deal of blood.

Dr. McKay:
Well enjoy the ride, Colonel, they're making me walk.

Dr. Beckett:
You have a splinter Rodney.

Dr. McKay:
Yeah, a nasty, painful splinter.

[Dr. Beckett and a team of scientists are working on a way to cure Sheppard. Dr. Beckett suggests gene therapy]

Scientist:
I have no doubt that we could program the cells if we had them, but we don't have the time to artificially create gene therapy of that magnitude without newer cells. The only samples we have are from a bug that died over a year ago.

Dr. Beckett:
Which means, ladies and gentlemen, that we need to go on an egg hunt.

Dr. McKay:
Maybe we should make a diversion.

Maj. Lorne:
Are you volunteering?

Dr. McKay:
I'll shut up.

[Before entering the cave full of iratus bugs McKay zips his collar up]

Dr. Beckett:
You don't seriously think that's gonna help do ya?

Dr. McKay:
Well, when they see your neck before mine, you won't think it's stupid.

(later) [Dr. Beckett zips up his jacket before going to collect eggs]

Dr. McKay:
See, not so stupid now is it?

Dr. Beckett:
Oh shut up.

[about the ship]

Dr. Weir:
When will it arrive?

Dr. McKay:
[to himself] Let's see, carry the four. [to Dr. Weir] 42 million years. Shall we go wait on the porch?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Any way to figure out what they're saying?

Dr. McKay:
Yes, of course, it says right here, "Why is the smart one having to stop and answer so many questions?"

[about going in one of the pods]

Teyla:
But is it safe?

Dr. McKay:
Would I be volunteering to go if it wasn't?

Ronon:
No.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Which is exactly what makes it safe enough for me to go.

Dr. McKay:
What?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Better to have you on the outside, In case something goes wrong.

Dr. McKay:
It won't.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
But if it does.

Dr. McKay:
It won't. How many times do I have to say this?

Teyla:
Rodney. Between the two of you, if something were to go wrong, which would be the greater loss?

Dr. McKay:
Well, I've never thought of it that way, but... Hey she's right. You should go.

[Sheppard is almost ready to go in the pod]

Dr. McKay:
...so when you want to disconnect, you'll need to really concentrate.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
You mean, think it.

Dr. McKay:
I think it will probably take a little more that that, otherwise you'd be popping in out of the thing every time it crossed your mind.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
So, "There's no place like home"?

Dr. McKay:
If that works for you.

Ronon:
More of the same.

Teyla:
Shh. I am counting. I do not want to lose my place.

Ronon:
I counted 376. No, wait, 398. I forgot about the infirmary. There was 22 in there, or was it 23? [Teyla looks at him like she is very annoyed] Sorry.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
[Pointing at Trebal, who is a Wraith in disguise] That's the Wraith.

Dr. McKay:
She's the Wraith?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Yeah.

Dr. McKay:
Wow, she's hot. I mean seriously hot.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Rodney, you're drooling over a Wraith.

Dr. McKay:
I know, I disgust myself sometimes.

Dr. McKay:
The communiqué's been erased.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Why would the Wraith do that?

Dr. McKay:
Well, it says right here, "I, the Wraith, delete this important information to keep you from seeing it."

Lt. Ford:
You didn't really buy that "I want to go home" speech, did you? Always underestimated me, Sheppard. You need to stop doing that. Complete the mission and McKay lives.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
We can't complete the mission, Ford. It's a bad plan.

Lt. Ford:
You said it was a great plan.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
You didn't buy the whole "it's a great plan" speech, did you?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
R2, I need you to turn the auto pilot off. Now! [Nothing happens] Worth a try.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
I don't even know your name.

Wraith Queen:
In time, you will tell me every...

[Queen stares into space, hisses at Sheppard, then leaves]

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Every what? What's wrong?

[Guards take Lt. Col. Sheppard from the room]

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
She didn't even tell me her name.

Dr. McKay [after having injected himself with a massive dose of the Wraith enzyme]:
Lock and load!

Dr. McKay [After easily beating up two guards due to the enzyme overdose]:
And that's what happens when you back a brilliant scientist into a corner!

Dr. McKay:
[Rodney took the enzyme and he's dialing the gate] Big dose. Big, big dose. But you needed it. You had to take out the guards. And you did. Stupid, "You want the crystals, you'll have to go through us." Well, I went through you all right didn't I? Like a hot knife jell-o. No, it's uh butter. Hot knife through butter. Man, I'm hungry. Focus. Focus. Must finish dialing the gate.

Dr. Weir:
Rodney, slow down. Are you all right?

Dr. McKay:
[babbling excitedly] Yes, yes! I mean, I'm... I don't know! I mean, I did take out the guards, they were huge and dumb and stupid and...

Dr. Weir:
What guards?

Dr. McKay:
Ford's guards! Didn't I mention Ford?!

Dr. Weir:
No, you didn't! You haven't mentioned Sheppard, Teyla and Ronon either-

Dr. McKay:
YES!!! They were there too, and there were two guards! They were huge, massive and to take them out, I had to inject myself with some of the enzyme...

Dr. Weir:
[incredulous] You took some of the enzyme?!

Dr. McKay:
Nonononono, I didn't took some of the enzyme, I took a lot of the enzyme because I had to take out the guards do! You should have seen me, I was amazing!!!

Dr. Weir:
Are you insane?

Dr. McKay:
Yes! Yes! No, I took some of the enzyme, yes!

Dr. Weir:
Rodney, focus! Where is Col. Sheppard?

Dr. McKay:
NONONO, I HAD TO TAKE THE ENZYME BECAUSE, BECAUSE I HAD TO TAKE OUT THE GUARDS! Elizabeth, the-the point is, we don't have much time! We have to stop that ship and get to know where the ship's going!

Dr. Weir:
Come on, come on, let's take a walk to the infirmary-

Dr. McKay:
Ooooh, what are you doing? Nonono, I don't want to go to the infirmary! I want to go to the, ummm, the... [collapses]

Dr. Weir:
Dr. Beckett, we have an emergency, we're headed for you!

Neera:
You do not fear them?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
The Wraith? Naah. Now, clowns… that's another story. Scare the crap out of me…

[later]

Neera:
You have fought the Wraith before?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Lots of times. Won some battles; lost some. War's not over by a long shot, but we're managing to hold our own.

Neera:
And the clowns?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
The clowns? Oh, yeah, the clowns. We fight them too; entire armies, spilling out of Volkswagens. We do our best to fight them off, but they keep sending `em in.

Dr. McKay:
Why aren't you dead?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
[irked] It's good to see you too, Rodney.

Dr. McKay:
No, no, I mean… well, you know what I mean. Why aren't you… dead?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Well, I knew when the hives started shooting each other that it was only a matter of time before they blew each other up, so I went to the Spacegate, dialled an address and got out of there.

Teyla:
Col. Sheppard was kind enough to make us whole again and we all returned to Atlantis.

Dr. McKay:
Someone hand me a branch. [Ronon hands him a log] I didn't ask for a log!

Dr. McKay:
Just, um, back out if you encounter anything problematic.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Problematic?

Dr. McKay:
Yeah, like poisonous atmosphere, acid atmosphere, no atmosphere…. Hey, it's a MALP on a stick; only shows you so much!

Dr. McKay:
Col. Sheppard would have already had hours to try to make it back through the portal in the time I wasted explaining the situation to Conan and Xena!

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
This is Sheppard. I'm pretty sure you can't hear me, but I don't have a volleyball to talk to, so what the hell.

Lt. Col. Sheppard [after being left to himself to fight the Beast]:
Hey people, I'm starting to develop some serious abandonment issues here!

Dr. McKay:
What is it with you and ascended women?!

[Dr. Lee is trying to explain his idea of relaying a message to Atlantis to a room full of SGC personnel]

Dr. Lee:
It's-it's the Twilight Bark.

[The audience murmur and look at one another, confused]

Dr. Lee:
Twilight Bark? 101 Dalmatians? Didn't you guys see that movie? My kids love it, and... Well, okay, so there's all these dogs. And one barks here, one barks here, one- They send the message across the countryside.

[The audience continue to murmur]

Dr. Lee:
Lord of the Rings.

[People start nodding and smiling]

Dr. Lee:
Lord of the Rings! You know when they light all those signal fires on the mountaintops? You all saw that, right?

Dr. Kavanaugh:
I don't see how you could possibly dump any more power into the hyperdrives-

Hermiod:
Dr. Kavanagh?

Dr. Kavanaugh:
Yes?

Hermiod:
Stop talking, please... Thank you.

Dr. McKay:
Explosives expert, huh?

Lt. Cadman:
High temperature energetic materials technology. And I can tap dance too. [smiles]

[Lt. Col. Sheppard walks in to check on Ronon, who is interrogating Dr. Kavanaugh, only to find Kavanaugh lying on the ground, unconscious.]

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
What did you do to him?

Ronon:
Nothing, he fainted before I could touch him.

Col. Caldwell's Goa'uld:
I warn you, as a Goa'uld, I now possess the strength of many men.

Ronon:
[ominously] It'll be a fair fight then. [Ronon proceeds to easily overpower the Goa'uld]

Dr. McKay:
Now, as you know, the Zero Point Module controls the flow of massive amounts of power.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Like a dam.

Dr. McKay:
No, it's not like a dam, it's more like a ...uh...actually, yes, it's like a dam. If you overload the dam, it breaks, which is why the Ancients put in place failsafes to prevent such a thing from happening.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Like a spillway.

Dr. McKay:
Could we just stick with failsafes?

Dr. McKay:
Hermiod's going to attempt to remove Col. Caldwell's Goa'uld using Asgard beaming technology.

Dr Beckett:
Quite remarkable, actually.

Dr. McKay:
And complicated. Well, the calculations are impossibly intricate. You don't want to beam out a chunk of his brain.

Dr. Beckett:
Lovely, Rodney.

Dr. McKay:
Hey, look who's back! It's Mr. Mom. Fun with the kids?

Dr. Zelenka:
[his face is decorated with grass and paintings, struggling to say something] Do not even speak to me! [walks away, with Rodney looking smug]

[To his hallucination of Col. Carter]

Dr. McKay:
I mean, you come in here, you don't help me, you say the one plan I've got is bad, you-you claim to be a creation of my mind and yet you are in no way dressed provocatively!

Dr. McKay:
Come on, you're a figment of my imagination. The least you can do is take your top off!

Lt. Col. Carter:
Your subconscious mind knows that I would never be into that.

Dr. McKay:
You are the worst hallucination ever.

Dr. McKay:
I wonder why we never hooked up.

Lt. Col. Carter:
What, aside from the fact that you're petty, arrogant and treat people badly?

Dr. McKay:
...yes.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Nope, that's pretty much it: petty, arrogant, bad with people.

Dr. McKay:
Oh. But you do find me attractive?

Lt. Col. Carter:
Let's stick to working on my idea.

Dr. McKay:
No, this is my idea.

Lt. Col. Carter:
How do you figure?

Dr. McKay:
Well, you don't exist. You think what my subconscious tells you to think! So, really the idea was mine. [realizing] Oh, wow! I'm arguing with myself about who had an idea first-me or me. I really am petty, aren't I?

[To his hallucination of Col. Carter]

Dr. McKay:
You're-you're not physically here. You can't transfer any heat.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Doesn't mean I can't get you hot!

Dr. McKay:
(incredulous) I'm sorry?

[Carter emerges from the water partially undressed]

[After Zelenka realizes Sheppard wants him to go underwater in the puddlejumper with him to save McKay]

Dr. Zelenka:
Oh! No-no-no-no-no-no - I cannot possibly ... uh, no.

Dr. Weir:
Radek.

Dr. Zelenka:
I-I ... I can't even swim!

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
There's not a lot of swimming under a thousand feet of ocean.

Dr. Weir:
(to Radek) Look, I'm not gonna order you to go.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
I will! [Elizabeth shoots him a look]

Dr. Weir:
All I'm saying is that if Rodney can't turn to you, who can he turn to?

Dr. Zelenka:
[thinks for several seconds] Right. Give me a few minutes and I'll get my gear.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
They can't all be planets with cool technology and open-minded women.

Dr. McKay:
I don't see why not!

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
We got the drones, we got a few jumpers; I even got the girl.

Dr. Weir:
You got the girl?

Lt. Colonel Sheppard:
Well, I mean I could have got the girl. I turned her down.

Dr. Weir:
[smiling] What did you offer them in return for the drones and the jumpers?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
A supply of medicines and an IDC if they need to reach us. We also offered to help `em come up with a new way of running things when the time comes.

Dr. Weir:
They didn't offer you king?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
I turned that down too!

Dr McKay:
You two need some very serious marriage counselling.

Dr Weir/Phoebus:
He's not my husband, he is the enemy. Drop your weapon.

[McKay drops the sidearm]

Dr Weir/Phoebus:
Now radio security and tell them everything's fine.

Dr Beckett:
Everything's not fine.

[Weir stuns Beckett and aims the stunner at Rodney]

Dr McKay:
Security, this is Rodney McKay. Everything's fine, never been better. Colonel Caldwell was kidding when he said, what he said...

Dr Weir/Phoebus:
Ah, forget it!

[Weir stuns McKay]

Dr Weir:
[over comm] Thaelin, the second I find you, you die.

Dr Beckett:
Well, they're on the road to divorce.

[Sheppard/Thaelin stuns Teyla]

Lt. Col. Sheppard/Thaelin:
Will you people stop getting in the way?! [exchanges a few shots with Weir/Phoebus] Go ahead and expend all your ammunition, just like you did last time! Your people don't know how to fight, Phoebus. That's why we're gonna win the war!! [shoots]

Dr. Weir/Phoebus:
This war's not over yet!! [shoots back]

[The lights are out and Beckett is about to operate on Ronon]

Dr Beckett:
Bloody dark ages.

Ladon:
I'll only talk to Weir.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Do I make you nervous.

Ladon:
Not at all, Major. I'm just not interested in talking to the errand boy.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
That's Lieutenant Colonel Errand Boy to you.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Well, I look at it this way: the Genii have tried to kidnap you on numerous occasions to mine that big old brain of yours.

Dr. McKay:
Yes.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Well, if we get into trouble, I'll just trade your life for mine.

Dr. McKay:
Oh, funny.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Don't worry. If you survive, I'll mount some sort of rescue mission… eventually.

Ronon:
Sheppard's on the list; McKay is on the list. Why aren't Teyla and me?

Dr. Weir:
What, you're feeling left out?

Ronon I just wanna know who thinks I'm not a threat and give 'em a chance to change their mind.

Dr. Weir:
Good idea!

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Could have been MENSA.

Dr. McKay:
[to a commissary employee] Ah. Hey, what happened to the, um, to the blue jello? My favourite, all of a sudden it's off the menu. What gives?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
It took Dr. McKay years to figure out all things Ancient and he still doesn't completely understand.

Dr. McKay:
[defensively] I have a very firm grasp of Ancient technology.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
You've blown up entire planets, Rodney.

Dr. McKay:
That wasn't my fault!

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Well, it didn't do it by itself!

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Ah, well, the lead scientist, uh, she's very, um...

Dr. Weir:
Hot?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
I was gonna say "attractive." But McKay is acting kinda...

Dr. Weir:
Smitten?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
I was gonna say "pathetic."

Dr. McKay:
And I have, uh, discovered the ship's name. [he looks at his computer tablet] It's the, um, Hippaforalkus.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
The what?

Dr. McKay:
Yeah, well, it appears to have been named after an Ancient general, Hippforalkus.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Well, we're not calling it that!

Dr. McKay:
Oh good. Then what about, um ...

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
And we're not calling it the Enterprise either!

Dr. McKay:
We don't need to go far. [Twirling his finger in the air] Any old orbit will do!

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
And then what?

Dr. McKay:
[as sarcastically as humanly possible] Well, then, Norena and I were planning a small dinner for us all, nothing fancy ...

Norena:
Rodney.

Dr. McKay:
Well, what does he mean, "Then what"?! Then we won't die horribly!

Dr. Beckett:
I think I may be missing something. Correct me if I'm wrong, but when the volcano erupts, don't we as well?

Dr. McKay:
That's the plan!

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
That's the plan?

Dr. McKay:
That's the plan!

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
That plan sucks!

Dr. Weir:
Rodney, if the hive opens up on us, I want Orion's drones.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Which means we're gonna need the hyperdrive to get in position.

Dr. McKay:
Which means we'll need shields, which means you want everything!

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
I like everything! Can we do it or not?

Dr. McKay:
Well, don't get up! Shields! Yes. Jump into position? Mmmmaybe. Release the drones. [crew member shakes her head] Probably not.

Dr. Zelenka:
Explosives, yes, yes. Uh, the problem with an explosive delivery system is that, because the drug is now an aerosol, a third of the tests ignited the medication [he and Dr. Beckett laugh nervously] rendering it useless.

Dr. Beckett:
They call it flashing! [he briefly opens his lab coat at the Wraith]

Dr. McKay:
They didn't need you on the Daedalus?

Hermiod:
Col. Caldwell believed my time was better spent disabling their jamming code.

Dr. McKay:
Huh! So, they can fly that ship without you.

Hermiod:
Yes. But apparently you cannot run these tests without me.

Dr. McKay:
Really? Well... (makes an adjustment) Try it now.

(simulation is successful)

Dr. McKay:
Well, well. Turns out the human knows what he's doing after all!

Hermiod:
Indeed. Your assistance on this project will be noted.

Dr. McKay:
My assistance?!?

Dr. McKay:
Okay, I can probably figure something out. But no more holding back! I want everything there is to know about hive ships! Schematics, power distribution, life support configuration levels, everything!

Wraith Queen:
Then you shall have it.

Dr. McKay:
(suprised) Really?

(the data is sent over)

Dr. McKay:
Huh, she really did it! This is the mother lode!

Dr. Weir:
What is exactly?

Dr. McKay:
Only everything you ever wanted to know about Wraith technology but were afraid to ask!

Dr. Zelenka:
It's like being handed the Wraith encyclopedia and don't know where to start.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
When I was a kid and got my first encyclopedia, I started with the letter S.

Dr. Zelenka:
Yes, well, I'm sure the Wraith sexuality is interesting.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
(explaining his plan to the Wraith Queen) Once we get in range, we beam a canister into the CO2 chamber and boom! One hive ship de-wraith-ified.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Who's firing on us?!

Technician:
We got two hiveships bearing down on our position, sir. One of them is the friendly!

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Not so friendly...