Stargate Atlantis, Season 3

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
It'll be a walk in the park... a very scary park, filled with monsters who are trying to kill me.

Michael:
I don't understand.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Never mind. [puts on his oxygen mask] Operation 'This Will Most Likely End Badly' is a go.

[Lt. Col. Sheppard is alone in a 302, being fired upon by an armada of darts]

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Okay, how about some of that help you promised?

Michael:
I told you to target the hyperdrive generator.

Lt. Col Sheppard:
I already knew that.

Michael:
There's nothing more I can do.

Lt. Col Sheppard:
Like hell there isn't. Call off the Darts!

Michael:
[annoyed] They won't listen to me.

Lt. Col Sheppard:
This is NOT helpful, Michael!

Dr. McKay:
They couldn't have. Even if they deduced the location of Earth, they won't be able to get there, unless, they downloaded something else on the Hive-ship plans. Oh it's something like spyware, just like my stupidly downloaded porn...

Ronon:
What?

Dr. McKay:
Music! My downloaded music.

Dr. McKay:
Where did you come from?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
I managed to latch onto the hull of the hive before we went into hyperspace.

Ronon:
Nice move.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Saw it in a movie once.

Gen. Landry:
How'd it go with the IOA?

Dr. Weir:
Oh, you know. I mean, does anyone ever come out of an IOA deposition saying, "That went well"?

(the Orion is under heavy fire without shields)

Maj. Lorne:
One more shot Zelenka, that's all I'm asking!

Dr. Zelenka:
I just cannot give you what I do not have! (checks a console) THERE'S TOO MUCH DAMAGE! WE NEED TO ABANDON SHIP! (runs towards the exit)

Maj. Lorne:
Hey, stop! Listen to me-

Dr. Zelenka:
We sacrificed our shield capabilities with that first salvo, we shouldn't wait any more moments, major!

Maj. Lorne:
Col. Caldwell, I'm afraid we've done everything we can on our end! Requesting immediate beam out to the Daedalus!

(Rodney is hacking the hive ship)

Dr. McKay:
Their operating system is a mess! Good thing I still remember DOS. [after a beat, he turns and looks back at Ronon] Trust me, that was hilarious!

Ronon:
Are you done yet?

Dr. McKay:
This ship is being seriously damaged, it's hard for me to find something to overload!

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
[appearing from around a corner with Michael] Let Mikey try!

Dr. Weir:
I'm sorry to put you in this position, but you are the only person besides Col. Sheppard and Gen. O'Neill who's actually fired a drone from that Chair.

Dr. Beckett:
Ironically, they're the two people I nearly killed when I did that.

Teyla:
We are grateful for your help, but we could never release you, not with the information you possess.

Michael:
Then kill me now!

Teyla:
There is another way.

Michael:
Take the treatment again?

Teyla:
Yes.

Michael:
What I am is not a disease you can cure.

Woolsey:
I've never met an Asgard.

Dr. Weir:
You, I think, will love them. They have a wonderful sense of humor.

[Woolsey looks at her hopefully]

Woolsey:
Really?

Dr. Weir:
No.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Just out of political curiosity, how much trouble is it gonna cause you if I knock this Woolsey guy in the head?

Dr. Weir:
May I ask why you'd like to do that?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
It's just an impulse I had, really...One I suspect I'm gonna have again next time I see him. He may not even have to say anything.

Dr. Weir:
I've never seen you like this. What did Woolsey say to you?

Lt. Col Sheppard:
Besides judging every damned decision you've ever made?

Dr. Weir:
John Sheppard, are you defending my honor?

Lt. Col Sheppard:
...And, judging me for agreeing with you.

Dr. Weir:
Well, don't be too hard on him. I think of all the circling wolves, he's the least likely to actually bite. In fact, he might even convince the others to leave us alone.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Alright, so...no head knocking?

Dr. Weir:
It's the thought that counts.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
How're you doing with the weapons?

Dr. McKay:
We couldn't hit the side of a barn.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
But hive ships are a hundred times bigger-

Dr. McKay:
[interrupting Sheppard] A giant...flying...barn. We couldn't hit that.

Mr. Woolsey:
Nothing renews your appreciation for the military like the threat of invasion from life-sucking aliens.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
What the hell is going on?

Dr. Weir:
What do you mean?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
What do I mean. We leave for two hours, and Lucius turned you all into Stepford wives.

[McKay and Lt.Col Sheppard are in McKay's lab trying to determine why everyone in Atlantis is besotted with Lucius Lavin. Sheppard looks like he has been pacing angrily while McKay has been working on a laptop at a lab-bench]

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
[While he's talking Sheppard moves to sit beside McKay] This is creeping me out.

Dr. McKay:
[McKay has been hunched over his laptop typing busily] Yeah… reminds me of an old Batman episode actually. Catwoman used a drug to put a spell on Batman...make him fall in love with her. Ended up doing all sorts of evil things for her. [Rodney sits upright] It was kind of a turn on actually…it's Julie Newmar in the cat outfit…

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
[Sheppard is reading McKay's laptop screen, he absently interrupts McKay ] Eartha Kitt was Catwoman.

Dr. McKay:
Not 'till season three.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
[surprised] Really?

Dr. McKay:
Yeah, you didn't know that?

Dr. Beckett:
So you finally came around did you. You know, you'll come to know Lucius eventually. He really is a kind and wise...

[Sheppard turns and pulls out a Wraith stun pistol]

Dr. Beckett:
Oh crap.

[Sheppard stuns him]

[The team talked about what would happen if Lucius gives away Atlantis' position]

Ronon:
In which case I said I will track him down, hang him by his feet, and cut off his...

Dr. Weir:
Yes, thank you. I think we get the message.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Hey, buddy, I'd better get back and clean your quarters before the next scout.

[Pats McKay on the shoulder and walks away]

Dr. McKay:
[Nervously] Right.

[He turns to leave, but Teyla and Ronon stop him, realising he took some of Lucius' herb]

Dr. Weir:
Rodney!

Dr. McKay:
It was just one teeny, tiny taste for research purposes.

Dr. Weir:
Burn it!

Dr. Beckett:
All of it!

Dr. Weir:
Right now!

Dr. McKay:
Alright. Story of my life.

[Dr. McKay briefly looks suggestively at Teyla, who is not impressed.]

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Look, I can't say the Wraith won't be back here again, but I can promise you they're not coming back here because of him.

Keturah:
No. Not once we've sacrificed the Wraithbringer to his masters.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
He prefers "Ronon." Probably also prefers not to be sacrificed to the Wraith.

[McKay has been shot with an arrow and is now full of morphine for the pain]

Dr. McKay:
Excuse me, why am I lying here?

Dr. Beckett:
You have an arrow, Rodney, in your gluteus maximus.

Dr. McKay:
Well, that sounds painful. [lies down on the operating table with a content expression and starts to play with the words] Gluteus maximus... glooo-tus maaa... ximus... [mildly surprised] Oh my god, that's my ass, isn't it?!

Dr. Beckett:
Aye.

Dr. Weir:
Call me if he makes any sense.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Look, Teyla. I'm not really good at, uh ... Actually, I'm ... I'm terrible at expressing ... I don't know what you'd call it, uh ...

Teyla:
Feelings?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Yeah, sure, okay. The point is, I don't really have good, uh ...

Teyla:
Social skills.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Well, that is why I enjoyed flying choppers in the most remote part of my world before all this craziness happened, but, uh, you should know, I don't have, uh ...

Teyla:
Friends?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
[indignantly] No - I have friends. [pause] You, Elizabeth, Ronon, Carson, even Rodney, are the closest thing I have to a ...

Teyla:
A family?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
I'd do anything… for any one of you. If I had to give up my life the way Ronon was going to, I would.

Teyla:
[smiling] Thank you. For everything you… meant to say.

[ Ronon, Teyla, and Sheppard have gone to fight the Wraith instead of leaving]

Dr. McKay:
They outnumber you 25 to 3.

Dr. Beckett:
[ beeping from the Jumper's life signs detector] It's actually 22 to 3 ... 21...

Teyla:
And Ronon appears to be quite angry.

Dr. McKay:
[sarcasticly] Oh, that evens it out!

[Beckett grabs a gun]

Dr. McKay:
What are you doing?

Dr. Beckett:
I'm going to help them.

Dr. McKay:
What are you crazy?! You're a doctor!

Dr. Beckett:
What does that have to do with it?

[McKay tries taking the gun]

Dr. Beckett:
What are you doing?

Dr. McKay:
I'm going.

Dr. Beckett:
You can barely walk!

Dr. McKay:
I can walk fine, I just can't sit!

Dr. Beckett:
And you're a terrible shot!

Dr. McKay:
Oh, what, you're Rambo now?!

Ronon:
[regarding a specific Wraith] You kill him before I do, I kill you.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
What if he kills you first?

Ronon:
Then you kill him.

[The team is preparing to go off to another planet. Sheppard walks into the gateroom and sees Ronon with his gun]

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Put that thing away. We told 'em we were friendly.

Ronon:
[holsters his blaster] I'm friendly.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Is that thing set to stun? [Ronon pulls out his gun again and switches it to stun] [sarcastic] Friendlier.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
I'm still waiting to meet an Ancient race that's invented the car.

Oberoth:
Lower your weapons.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
[not moving] How much lower would you like 'em?

McKay:
There is nothing more annoying than people who won't admit their own mistakes. [Zelenka looks at him]

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
True.

Gen. O'Neill:
I don't know anything about Atlantis ... except that it was a fairly mediocre Donovan song, not one of my favourites.

Gen. O'Neill:
Well, maybe you've got to work yourself back into playing shape… spend a little time doing some short shifts before you jump up to the first line.

Dr. Weir:
I'm sorry. I don't know a thing about football.

Gen. O'Neill:
Nor hockey, apparently.

Gen. O'Neill:
Now, just to be sure we're on the same page, we're against the proliferation of nuclear weapons, right?

Dr. McKay:
[staring at Beckett] What?

Dr. Beckett:
What?

Dr. McKay:
Well, it's that look. That's the same look I get when I have a brilliant idea.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
How would you know how you looked?

Dr. McKay:
'Cause it's happened more than once in front of a mirror, okay?

Dr. McKay:
[to a rescue team] Alright, people, let's do this one by the numbers. We get in, we get our man, we get out. Stay sharp and stay alive!

Dr. Beckett:
[in disbelief] What are you on about?

Dr. McKay:
Oh, just things that Sheppard would say, so I thought I would, um ...

Teyla:
Well said, Rodney.

[The rescue team comes running when McKay opens fire, but there was nothing there]

Ronon:
Sheppard wasn't here.

Dr. McKay:
And we've just wasted two and a half hours!

Ronon:
[to the Marines] Let's move out!

Dr. McKay:
…and a mouse.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
You know, I could've sworn I was gonna wake up dead today.

Wraith:
You are more like Wraith than you know.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
I'm not sure I like the sound of that.

Wraith:
There is much about Wraith that you do not know, Sheppard.

[Sheppard has chosen to honor his deal and merely stun the Wraith he was working with]

Wraith:
[waking up] Ah, Sheppard. I thought you ...

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
There's a lot you don't know about humans.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Welcome back to Earth.

Dr. McKay:
Yes, yes. What's my sister done?

Lt. Col. Carter:
Good to see you, too, McKay.

Dr. McKay:
[impatiently] Greetings, salutations, pleasantries. What's she done?

[McKay is explaining what he's been doing for the past few years]

Jeannie:
What have you gotten yourself involved in here, Meredith?

Lt. Col. Carter:
Meredith?

Dr. McKay:
It's a long story.

Jeannie:
It's his name.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Your name is Meredith McKay?

Dr. McKay:
Meredith Rodney McKay, yes, but I prefer to go by "Rodney." Look, can we just stick to the point here? Look out the window. Much more interesting than my name.

Lt. Col. Carter:
[grinning] Your name is Meredith?

[Jeannie and McKay beam down]

Jeannie:
Holy cow! That can't be good for your health.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Nothing to worry about. I've done it dozens of times. John Sheppard.

Dr. McKay:
She's married, and she's my sister.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
[defensively] I'm just saying hi.

Dr. McKay:
Yeah, no, I know exactly what you're doing. I've seen that look before...Kirk.

Dr. McKay:
What did Elizabeth say?

Col Sheppard:
Two McKays are better than one.

Dr. McKay:
There aren't two McKays, there's one McKay and him.

Rod:
I envy you. You say exactly what's on your mind no matter how it makes you look. I can only imagine the freedom you must have, not caring if people like you or not.

Dr. McKay:
Oh. [thinks a moment] People don't like me?

[Sheppard's team investigates a strange Wraith device]

Teyla:
Is that what made all these people kill each other?

Dr. McKay:
I hope so.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
You hope so?

Dr. McKay:
Otherwise, there are two bizarre things going on, and one is more than enough for me, thank you very much.

Dr. Weir:
How are Rodney and Teyla?

Dr. McKay:
He shot me!

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
They're both fine.

Dr. McKay:
You shot me!

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
[visibly upset] Yes, Rodney, I shot you, and I said I was sorry!

Ronon:
You shot me, too.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
I'm sorry for shooting everyone!!

Gen. Landry:
You're just mad you didn't get to fly the maiden voyage yourself.

Gen. O'Neill:
General, I am quite fond of both maidens and voyages. I mean, put the two together and ...

Gen. Landry:
You're not a test pilot any more, Jack.

Gen. O'Neill:
[indignant] That's what the President said.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Life isn't fair - it's just fairer than death.

Dr. Weir:
Oscar Wilde?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
The Princess Bride. Good movie.

Woolsey:
That seems like a pretty big ship. You're sure only sending one Jumper up to fend it off is the right thing to do?

Helia:
It is impossible for them to harm us.

Gen. O'Neill:
I could use some enemies like that.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
You should call her.

Dr. Beckett:
Who, Cadman?

Dr. Weir:
You two did make a cute couple.

Dr. Beckett:
It didn't work out. May have something to do with our first kiss being through Rodney.

Dr. McKay:
Oh, I thought we made a solemn vow never to speak of that again!

Dr. Beckett:
I remember no such thing.

General Landry:
Colonel Sheppard, I'm going to assume you're still at the Midway Station waiting for Dr. McKay to rewrite his macro. I understand what you're doing, Colonel - Hell, I'll even call it brave, but if you don't turn that ship around immediately and come back to the SGC, I'll see to it personally that your career in the military is-

[Sheppard slaps a button, disconnecting the communication]

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
That way I won't know what he was gonna say.

Dr. Beckett:
My turtles!

Dr. Weir:
What?

Dr. Beckett:
I just bought some wee baby turtles and no one knows to feed them!

Dr. Weir:
Well, turtles are pretty hardy. I'm sure they'll be fine.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
And they make good soup.

Ronan:
Is he dead?

Dr. McKay:
He's mostly dead!

Dr. Weir:
Hey, if we keep this up, there won't be much of a city left to save.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
I'll try to run the drones into your least favorite buildings...McKay!

Dr. McKay:
It should be working!

Dr. Beckett:
Well, it's not working!

Dr. McKay:
Look, if I give him any more power, he'll wake up and kill us all!

Woolsey:
That sounded like another explosion.

Gen. O'Neill:
[calmly] Yes. Yes, it did.

Woolsey:
What does that mean?

Gen. O'Neill:
[he looks at Woolsey in irritation] Something exploded.

Gen. O'Neill:
Is that Dr. Weir I hear?

Dr. Weir:
Yes, General, it's good to hear your voice too.

Gen. O'Neill:
I didn't say it was good, Elizabeth. Please don't be offended as I express my surprise that Landry would send you on a mission like this.

Dr. Weir:
Well, sir, General Landry didn't sanction this mission.

Gen. O'Neill:
So am I to assume you're not surrounded by heavily armed SG teams and young, strapping Marines?

Dr. Weir:
You've got myself, Sheppard, Teyla, Ronon, McKay, and Dr. Beckett.

Gen. O'Neill:
[sarcastic] Oh, Dr. Beckett is it? Well, I'm comforted.

Dr. Beckett:
[whispering to Weir] What's that supposed to mean?

Talus:
What were you doing in the flooded section of the city?

Gen. O'Neill:
The backstroke. I think.

Talus:
what are you planning?

Gen. O'Neill:
Well, I was planning to retire. But man, is that overrated!

[O'Neill gets his mind probed by Talus]

Gen. O'Neill:
[casually] Whatcha doin'?

Talus:
Probing your mind.

[O'Neill looks around, seeing that a Stargate event horizon is circling Talus and him]

Gen. O'Neill:
Kinda roomy, ain't it?

Talus:
Your ability to resist is quite remarkable General O'Neill.

Gen. O'Neill:
Well it isn't the first time I had a hand in my head, as t'were.

Talus:
If you do not give me information, perhaps Richard Woolsey will.

Gen. O'Neill:
Tell you what...you look around, and I'll tell you if you're getting warmer, or colder.

[Talus smiles]

Talus:
Ah, there it is.

Gen. O'Neill:
So, hot I guess, huh.

Talus:
I'm afraid your plan has been discovered, Colonel Sheppard. It is over.

[Everyone turns to look at Woolsey]

Woolsey:
[defensively] He put his hand in my forehead! How can you resist that?!

Gen. O'Neill:
Well, I like to close my eyes and think of England.

[Sheppard and McKay burst into the brig, where O'Neill and Woolsey are being held]

Gen. O'Neill:
Hey! Thanks for the rescue!

Dr. McKay:
Oh, hey...no problem.

Gen. O'Neill:
No! You should be saying, "Thanks for the rescue!"

Dr. McKay:
Oh, ah, right...thanks. Should have you out of there in no time. This won't take long at all.

[McKay fiddles with the door controls, an error tone sounds]

Dr. McKay:
Oh, my...they, they, they've changed the codes.

Woolsey:
...But you can crack it, right? You need to get us out of here!

Dr. McKay:
Yeah, of course I can...just give me, like, 1...2 seconds.

Gen. O'Neill:
...So, I guess that frozen replicator plan didn't pan out!?

Dr. McKay:
Yeah...not so much.

Gen. O'Neill:
How's that plan "B" workin' for ya? Good?

Dr. McKay:
Actually, it's...it's more like, uh, plan "C".

[McKay looks hopefully at O'Neill and Woolsey, O'Neill and Woolsey stare blankly at McKay]

Dr. McKay:
...As in C-4, if you catch my drift?

Gen. O'Neill:
No.

Dr. McKay:
Let's just say that we're concerned that the Daedalus won't be able to carry out your standing orders.

Woolsey:
What? To destroy Atlantis with nuclear weapons? I thought we were past that! Why would we be going back to that?

Dr. McKay:
Yeah, it's the only way.

Gen. O'Neill:
Can you do that?

Dr. McKay:
Yeah...If we plant charges in all 10 of the shield emitters before the Daedalus arrives, that way, when the replicators try to activate the shields...

Woolsey:
...The C-4 detonates, the Daedalus beams a warhead into the city, and we're all vaporized.

[O'Neill turns quickly to look at McKay]

Gen. O'Neill:
[Agitated] Sounds more like a plan "F", doesn't it? As in, "We're totally..."

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Good old plan "D", works every time.

[Sheppard has just given Caldwell his authentication code to validate it is his team in Atlantis, not the Replicators. Caldwell is on board the Daedalus, preparing to nuke the city to eliminate the Replicator threat.]

Col. Caldwell:
That code is no longer valid, Colonel.

Gen. O'Neill:
Hey, Caldwell! General Jack O'Neill here. That valid enough for ya?

Dr. Beckett:
Their ear-drums have been perforated.

Dr. Weir:
How?

Dr. Zelenka:
The whales are emitting an intense, low frequency pulse...like...like a sonar; as well as an EM field. The combination is very dangerous to humans - particularly in such close proximity.

Dr. McKay:
[having heard none of this; his voice raised] It's the whales!

Dr. Beckett:
[ignoring Rodney] Their hearing's been impaired; it should heal soon...

Dr. McKay:
[continuing anyway; his voice still raised] It's their echolocation! It's creating very powerful vibrations! The closer we got, the worse it became!

Dr. Zelenka:
Yes... [Raising his voice] Yes Rodney! We know!

Dr. McKay:
[after a brief pause] Oh!

Lt. Col Sheppard:
[after an even longer pause] What?

Lt. Col Sheppard:
[attempting to get Rodney's attention] Canadian Football league is a joke.[he pauses, then continues when Rodney fails to react] Celine Dion is overrated. [a second pause] Zelenka is smarter than you are! [a third pause]

Dr. McKay:
[having heard nothing] Hey! I found mention of a biolab in the database. Ancient scientists used it to study animal life. We should check it out.

Lt. Col Sheppard:
Okay...Meredith.

[Elizabeth, John, and Rodney are discussing the whale-like creature Rodney has been studying]

Dr. Weir:
And how do you know...he's a he?

Dr. McKay:
Oh, because I cross-referenced the renderings in the database with the whale outside, and, you'll see, the males have a rather prominent, um-

Dr. Weir:
[interrupting] Oh, it's okay, I might-I'll take your word for it.

Dr. McKay:
(Talking about Kolya and his men) What if they burn down the village out of spite?

Lucius:
Well, that'll be petty of them.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Yeah well, they're like that.

Lucius:
So I finish off the last Wraith guard and I turn around and I look at the Queen and I say, 'You know, if you were twenty pounds heavier, you'd look like my ex-wife.'

Dr. Zelenka:
Normally if Dr. Esposito weren't around, I doubt you would have been as reckless as you were.

Dr. McKay:
Are you insane?

Lt. Col Sheppard:
Which one is Esposito?

Dr. Zelenka:
Oh, the long dark-haired...

Lt. Col Sheppard:
Oh, right, the one with the perky little...

Dr. McKay:
Do you mind?! We're trying to work here.

Lt. Col Sheppard:
For the record I was gonna say 'smile'.

Dr. McKay:
Ya, I'm sure you were.

Dr. McKay:
One more time: mysterious energy pulse from a device created by the Ancients. I mean, who knows what kind of long-term effects I could be in for? I mean, there's gross mutation, giantism, invisibility...

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
That would be cool. I turned into a bug.

Dr. Beckett:
Alright. Like I said, as far as I can tell, he's as healthy as a horse. I'm clearing you for active duty.

Dr. McKay:
What are you insane?! Look, I need to be put under guard. Who knows what I could become?

Dr. Weir:
What are the chances it could make him more pleasant?

Dr. Weir:
What else can you do, besides telekinesis?

Dr. McKay:
Well, super-hearing for one. And, I'm not sure, but I think I may actually be getting smarter. It's hard to say for sure because I was pretty smart to start with, but recently I've been having thoughts that I don't think even I would have thought of before.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Does super-ego count as a power?

[A nurse arrives with a tray of food]

Dr. McKay:
Oh, finally! Look, keep it coming.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
We may also be dealing with a super appetite, but it's hard to tell because he ate so much before.

[Weir and Sheppard walk into the chair room to talk to McKay.]

Dr. Weir:
Rodney, we need to talk.

[Rodney deactivates the chair and reads their minds]

Dr. McKay:
What do you mean I'm gonna die? I'm not even sick! I feel great -- never better!

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
That Ancient device...

McKay:
[Reading his mind] ...has accelerated my evolution. [Reading Weir's mind] Eventually I'll reach a point where I'm physically capable of ascension, but ascension takes more than that -- there's a mental component. I need to know how to make it happen... which I don't. [Reads Ronon's thoughts] Yet!! I'm getting smarter by the minute, it's a pretty good assumption I'll be able to figure it out on the way. [Rodney reads Weir's mind again]. OK, so it's not as easy as that. Well, even if I don't, so I stay a highly-evolved human. I mean, I don't have to ascend, it's a choice, right? [John grimaces slightly] No? What do you mean, no? Oh, that stupid Ancient device doesn't work properly, does it? [He reads Elizabeth's mind again] It's set in motion a series of genetic mutations that will result in my death if I don't ascend?!

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
[To Weir] There is something easier about this.

Dr. McKay:
That's why the Ancients didn't put it into common use, it's just one more in a long line of abysmal, over-ambitious failures! Oh God. I'm a dead man!

Dr. McKay:
You know, we could be a team! You could be my sidekick!

Ronon:
Sidekick.

Dr. McKay:
Yeah, like Batman and Ronon. Has a nice ring to it.

Ronon:
You keep eating like this, it'll be more like "Fatman".

Dr. McKay:
Yes, I'm me! I'm my old self!

Dr. Beckett:
Are you certain?

Dr. McKay:
Ya, I'm alive. I feel--I feel great--I feel--uh...um...hungry...

Lt. Col Sheppard:
He's fine.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
He's giving his people way too much technology for their level of development. [Points at Rodney accusingly] I'm not the only one increasing my army, by the way.

Dr. McKay:
I had to do something to protect the people of Geldar from you.

Ronon:
Geldar?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
The name of Rodney's country. He named it after a girl he stalked in college.

Dr. McKay:
I did not stalk her. We dated twice. Teresa Geldar -- a very cute blonde. I always used to think her name reminded me of some kind of a mythological land - "The Kingdom of Geldar".

[A man rides through Geldar on a bicycle]

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Oh yeah! That's something you see in a medieval village!

Dr. McKay:
Yes, well, the Renaissance obviously came early to these folks.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
A couple of hundred years early?

[regarding Rodney]

Teyla:
Why do you refer to him as the Oracle?

Nola:
The Oracle is a wise and omnipotent deity.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
[to Ronon] Boy, she's in for a rude awakening.

[Elizabeth walks into the "Game Room" to find Lorne and Zelenka arguing. They are unaware of her entrance.]

Dr. Zelenka:
Absurd!

Maj. Lorne:
What are you talking about? It's a perfectly reasonable request!

Dr. Zelenka:
Oh yeah. Perfectly reasonable! I give you all of my food and my people starve.

[Elizabeth walks deeper into the room and sees the two of them on either side of the 'games' console. Radek is already on his feet and now Evan stands up to shout at him over the top of the screens.]

Maj. Lorne:
I am not asking you for all of your food! Plus, I did say that we would make a deal.

Dr. Zelenka:
[sarcastically] A deal. Oh yeah. Baskets.

Maj. Lorne:
Big baskets! Two dozen of 'em, hand-woven and very nice.

Dr. Zelenka:
Oh, very nice. What am I gonna put in them, huh? Certainly not food!

[Elizabeth, still unnoticed by the two men, folds her arms and looks at them angrily. They continue to bicker, getting more and more agitated with every remark.]

Maj. Lorne:
You know what? I think you're holding out on me. I think you have plenty of food.

Dr. Zelenka:
Are you calling me a liar?!

Maj. Lorne:
No, I think you're trying to squeeze me for a better deal, that's what I think.

Dr. Zelenka:
I have got nothing to hide! Now, if you're ...

Maj. Lorne:
OK, OK, so maybe I'll send some of my army troops down and we'll have a look!

Dr. Weir:
[very angrily] What the hell are you two doing?

[The two finally notice her presence and look down, ashamed. Both of them are wearing expressions akin to ones that you would find on the faces of children who have just been found stealing cookies from the cookie jar.]

Dr. Weir:
I thought I gave specific orders to stay away from this device.

Dr. Zelenka:
[quietly, ashamed] Yes, yes, you did.

Maj. Lorne:
We just saw that there were some people in trouble and we thought that maybe that we could...um...help.

Dr. Weir:
No! No more help. Clearly we are not qualified!

Baden:
I've done everything I could to achieve peace with you.

Nola:
Really?! Such as?

Baden:
I sent gifts of goodwill.

Nola:
[horrified] You sent crates of citrus fruit! Citrus! Do you have any idea what an insult that is to my people?!

Baden:
It didn't used to be.

Dr. Weir:
OK, see, I think I know where that comes from. Did M - the Oracle tell you that citrus fruit was bad?

Nola:
He made us aware of its toxic properties, yes.

Baden:
Everything is toxic to you! [to Elizabeth] If they're not busy insulting us, they're complaining about contaminated food, improper hygiene. Even the sunlight is dangerous to them!

Teyla:
I am sorry, Herick, but we have scanned the surface of your planet. If your world was at war with the Wraith, the war was lost many years ago.

Dr. McKay:
More like centuries. I mean, there is nothing down there but ruins and plant life.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Dial up the sensitivity a notch, all right?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
I guarantee you you're gonna see pretty much the same technology that you're looking at here, which I call vintage 1967.

Dr. McKay:
[sarcastically] Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, we hollowed out a lot of moons back in the sixties.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Well, if we had, this is what they'd look like.

Dr. Beckett:
Tell them we'll be there in a jiff.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
You guys hear that?

Dr. McKay:
[over radio] Yay, faint hope!

Dr. McKay:
All right. I'm gonna take a look around, see if I can figure out a way to seal the compartments between us. I figure it would be nice if we were all together as we burn up.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
McKay . . .

Dr. McKay:
I'm sorry. I mean, as we get rescued. I always get those two confused.

Dr. McKay:
We don't have much time left. The moon was already in a low orbit to start with. We're beginning to skim the outer atmosphere. We're gonna slow down exponentially.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Think of a brilliant plan, Rodney! That's what you do best. Using as little oxygen as possible.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
You dating anyone?

Ronon:
You mean like a woman?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Or a man.

Ronon:
No.

Dr. Weir:
We've said goodbye to a lot of friends today. Our mission is a dangerous one. We lose people - a fact we're all painfully aware of. But Carson was ... (She trails off for several seconds, temporarily lost for words.) I can't remember anyone coming to me with a complaint against him - ever. He was a kind soul. He was ... he was a healer. And he will be very deeply missed. George Fabricius said, "Death comes to us all, but great achievements, they build a monument which shall endure until the sun grows cold." (Her voice begins to break.) Every single life Carson saved is a monument to him. And that gives me great comfort.

[The closing scene of the episode, Rodney stands alone on one of the city's piers, talking with 'imaginary Carson']

Dr. Beckett:
How'd it go back on Earth?

Dr. McKay:
It was, it was awful. [Turns to Carson and smiles at him] Your family was amazing, though.

Dr. Beckett:
Aye, they are. Good turnout?

Dr. McKay:
Oh, packed the church.

Dr. Beckett:
Oh, that's good to hear!

Dr. McKay:
It's not gonna be the same round here without you.

Dr. Beckett:
Oh, you're telling me!

Dr. McKay:
You know, the universe is a big place. Who knows, maybe we'll bump into each other again.

Dr. Beckett:
Aye, who knows?

Dr. McKay:
You were the closest thing to a best friend I ever had. I'm really, really sorry. I should have just...

Dr. Beckett:
Hey. This isn't your fault.

Dr. McKay:
You're just telling me what I want to hear.

Dr. Beckett:
Well, that's what best friends do sometimes. And in this case it also happens to be true. Take care of yourself, Rodney.

Dr. McKay:
[Raises his hand] Goodbye, Carson.

[Carson fades out of existence whilst the view zooms out to see Rodney standing alone at the end of the pier as the episode ends]

[Rodney, Ronon, and the scientists are bickering]

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Okay, kids. Do I have to pull this thing over? It's hard enough being in this damned thing for hours without listening to you guys.

Dr. Weir:
Weapons fire.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Nine mil. This way.

Dr. McKay:
Oh yes, let's race towards the gunfire.

[A Wraith Queen just swam to her submerged cruiser]

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Well, you're a hell of a swimmer, I'll give you that.

Wraith Queen:
You have restored power?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
It'll fly.

[The Queen deactivates the self destruct]

Wraith Queen:
You shall be rewarded-with a quick death!

[McKay empties the ammo of his P90 into the Queen]

Dr. McKay:
She's not dying according to plan here!!

Dr. McKay:
There must be some kind of a command code that needs to be entered first.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Can you figure it out?

Dr. McKay:
Yes, well command codes are usually quite simple like the number one or the letter A, like in Wraith.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
[angry] Can you figure out the code or not?!

Dr. McKay:
NO! Not if I stood here and tried for a million years. And we have, uh, just under a million years less than that!

Dr. Zelenka:
[About a Wraith cruiser] It's been down there for a very, very, very long time.

Dr. Mckay:
Give or take a very.

[The team was just attacked by a creature]

Teyla:
What is that?

Ronon:
A piece of an arm, it looks like.

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Lets hope that slows it down.

Dr. McKay:
Maybe it'll bleed to death.

Ronon:
Or just grow another arm.

[Sheppard and Ronon spot the Wraith dart]

Ronon:
You thinking what I'm thinking?

Sheppard:
Yeah, I fly the dart, beam you all up, and then I use its DHD to dial Atlantis and get out of here.

Ronon:
I was thinking of blowing it up, but your idea's better. Get moving!

Dr. McKay:
Look- asking me to do performance evaluations is ridiculous. I am the first person to admit I don't know who these people are, nor do I care to. If you'd like, I can take you down the hall to the labs and just point at the people who annoy me more than the rest, but that's about as useful as I get.

Col. Ellis:
You should be running Atlantis, not Dr. Weir.

Lt. Col Sheppard:
But then I'd be The Man, and who would I have to rage against?

[the team is discussing the strike against Asuras]

Col. Ellis:
They are constructed of real materials which can be destroyed. Six will be more than enough for now.

Dr. McKay:
For now? Isn't it like poking a sleeping dragon? Look, why don't we just wait until Area 51 finishes the P.W.A.R.W.s?

Dr. Weir:
Ugh, which one's that again?

Lt. Col. Sheppard:
Shouldn't you guys be bickering or something?

Dr. McKay:
Ah, we've got nothing to bicker about. He's run out of bad ideas... finally.

Dr. Zelenka:
[sulkily] If we survive this, I'm putting in for a transfer.

Dr. McKay:
Oh, please. We both know that you've done your best work under me.

Dr. Zelenka:
Under you?! I'm my own department head, you know.

Dr. McKay:
Please! We both know that department is a joke.

Dr. Zelenka:
What?!

Lt. Col Sheppard:
Why don't you two just make out and get it over with?

Col. Ellis:
You want to bring an asteroid towards us. Is that wise?

Dr. McKay:
Today it is.

[Woolsey and O'Neill have just had their minds probed]

Woolsey:
That was the worst thing I've ever experienced.

Gen. O'Neill:
It gets worse!