Stargate SG-1, Season 3

Col. Makepeace:
Can you walk on that?

Dr. Jackson:
It's just a deep bleeding gash, but it'll be fine.

[Col. O'Neill grabs Hathor from behind]

Hathor:
We will destroy you for this.

Col. O'Neill:
And we would just like you to go away!

[Col. O'Neill throws Hathor into a pool of liquid nitrogen]

Col. O'Neill:
[pretending to be a Goa'uld] Jaffa, kree!

Trofsky:
Kel'mac, Goa'uld? Kree'tak?

[pause]

Col. O'Neill:
You heard me, I said "kree!"

Dr. Jackson:
Jack?

Col. O'Neill:
Hey guys. Makepeace! Nice rescue! Good Job!

Col. O'Neill:
All right, listen up. There's something you should know before you start shooting and killing and ruining what could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Our beloved Hathor…is dead.

Trofsky:
What you say is impossible. Hathor is a queen. More than that, she is a goddess.

Col. O'Neill:
Yeah, okay, ex-goddess, maybe. I killed her myself. You should trust me on this. She's gone. She is no more. She's… well, let's face it, she's a former queen.

Col. O'Neill:
Jaffa jokes? Let's hear one of them.

Teal'c:
I shall attempt to translate one, O'Neill. A serpent guard, a Horus guard, and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment. The serpent guard's eyes glow. The Horus guard's beak glistens. The Setesh guard's... nose drips.

(To explain the joke the helmet of the Serpent guard looks like a snake, the Horus guard looks like an eagle with a golden beak, the Setesh guard looks like a rooster.)

[Teal'c bursts into loud laughter. Everyone else stares.]

Col. O'Neill:
Dare I ask about the men inside the compound?

Dr. Jackson:
They were turned into eunuchs.

Col. O'Neill:
Eunuchs as in…snip-a-dee do-da? Sweet.

Seth:
Welcome. Who are you?

Col. O'Neill:
Well, I'm Larry, this is Moe, and of course, everyone's favorite, Curly.

Col. O'Neill:
So help me. If I wake up, and I'm singing soprano…

Teal'c:
Many things are complicated, General Carter. In Jaffa society, loving one's children is not one of them.

[ATF phone rings, Hemner answers]:

Special agent J. Hemner:
Hemner. Yes Mr. President. Yes sir, I am, yes sir... Well yes sir they are here sir, but... With respect sir, the jurisdictional rules in this case are clear, this is a civilian matter. Are you sure you wanna do that sir? Yes Mr. President.

[To his fellow] Get Col. O'Neill in here.

Col. O'Neill:
Some I can do for ya?

Special agent J. Hemner:
You wanna tell me what's going on?

Col. O'Neill:
Didn't you say you know more than I do..?

Special agent J. Hemner:
Well apparently not, I just got off the phone with the president.

Col. O'Neill:
[Faking a surprise] Of the United States of America? [Small pause] Sweet. How's he doing?

Agent Hamner:
In fact, I'm to issue you an emergency special agent credential. He's put you in charge of this operation.

Jack O'Neill:
Excellent! My first order of business: Get me one of those cool jackets! Extra large. Double X-L if you got it.

Gen. Hammond:
Teal'c, I would like you to act as liaison to the Goa'uld. Dr. Jackson-

Teal'c:
[interrupting] Gen. Hammond.

Gen. Hammond:
Is there a problem?

Teal'c:
I mean no disrespect. But I have given my allegiance to you, to the SGC and to the people of this world, freely. I will, however, not see to the petty needs of these Goa'ulds.

Dr. Jackson:
[to Hammond] I'll... see to the petty needs of the Goa'uld, sir.

Dr. Jackson:
Uh, the second Goa'uld representative we're expecting is Yu.

Col. O'Neill:
Me?

Dr. Jackson:
"Yu" is the name of the Goa'uld.

Col. O'Neill:
Sorry.

Dr. Jackson:
What just happened?

Col. O'Neill:
Apparently we said hello, insulted each other, and broke for recess.

Col. O'Neill:
Daniel typed up a formal letter-in Goa'uld-and I signed it. That boy can really grovel if he has to.

Dr. Jackson:
We believe you, Teal'c, but I just don't think anyone else is going to.

Col. O'Neill:
Certainly not those lying, scheming, no-good-for-nothing, slimy, overdressed stylemongers--

Maj. Carter:
Sir! I'd like to try something.

[Carter leaves]

Col. O'Neill:
I wasn't finished.

Maj. Carter:
[holding a trans-phase eradication rod on Nirrti] You ever seen one of these things work? 'Cause there's nothing more I would like to do right now than demonstrate.

[The System Lords are leaving through the Stargate]:

Cronus:
We will not attack your world, but if you continue to use your stargate, be warned... Anyone who is caught by one of the System Lords will be shown no mercy. They will suffer greatly...

Col' O'Neill:
Well that certainly makes life more interesting.

[After the System Lords leave]

Dr. Jackson:
[About Nirrti betraying the other System Lords] Boy, is she gonna get it.

Col. O'Neill:
[Plainly] My heart bleeds.

Dr. Jackson:
Why are you so quick to jump to the conclusion I'm crazy? That I'm dangerous, I'm out of control? [pause] It's 'cause I'm kinda acting that way, aren't I?

Col. O'Neill:
I'd like to apologize in advance for anything I may say, or do, that could be construed as offensive, as I slowly go NUTS!

Col. O'Neill:
[As they enter the room with dead people] Now that is not a good smell.

Maj. Carter:
[After seeing a Goa'uld entrance scar on one corpse] These aren't quite human. They're Goa'uld.

Col. O'Neill:
So Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.

Merrin:
Yes.

Col. O'Neill:
How old are you?

Merrin:
I am eleven. How old are you?

Col. O'Neill:
So… Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.

Merrin:
You aren't a scientist?

Jack O'Neill:
Oh no.

Merrin:
Then you are not as smart as Major Carter and Dr Fraiser?

Jack O'Neill:
Well it depends on what you mean by... Okay, no! I'm not. But while they were stuck in school, I was out doing other things, like, having fun.

Jack O'Neill:
All right! Will you two give it a rest? Both of you. You've been at this for 24 hours. You need rest.

Merrin:
I do not need to. Urrone children require little sleep.

Maj. Carter:
Okay, now I am jealous.

Jack O'Neill:
[Young girl paints a picture of Jack] I look fat.

O'Neill is trying to get to know Merrin after she has gone through the ovarium ceremony, resulting in the loss of her prior personality. He finds her coloring on a wall with crayons he gave her as a gift. He picks up a purple crayon and draws a picture of a face on the wall. Merrin considers it, then scribbles it out.

Col. O'Neill:
You're right. What was I thinking? [scribbles his original drawing out further] You ever seen a dog? Dogs are my favourite people. Some have tails, some don't...Not a lot of purple dogs...

Tomin:
[To Teal'c] I think I understand now why the Goa'uld are so feared.

Col. O'Neill:
All right, so it's possible there's an alternate version of myself out there that actually understands what the hell you're talking about?

Col. O'Neill:
[to the alternate Carter] Well exactly, you don't know any of us. And we don't know you, for all we know you could be her evil twin. But then we'd be dealing with cliches and you know how I feel about those. Well, actually, you [pointing to Maj. Carter] know how I feel about those.

[The Carters are examining the Energy Device made by O'Neill in "The Fifth Race"]

Samantha Carter from the parallel Universe:
This is incredible. If the Asgard could design this, they're just the little green men we're looking for.

Col. O'Neill:
They're grey, actually. Roswell Grey, to be exact.

Col. O'Neill:
The combined IQ of Earth might go up a few points having two Carters around.

Dr. Jackson:
Okay, well, this is all well and good, but none of us are going anywhere unless we get that Asgard generator working again.

Col. O'Neill:
Carter, download the program to the removable whatever it is and meet me and yourself in the lab.

[Jackson is fiddling with the quantum mirror SG-1 needs to get back home]

Col. O'Neill:
All right, I gotta know.

Dr. Jackson:
Yes, I'm about to activate it.

Col. O'Neill:
No, no, no, not that. What the hell does "kree" mean?

Dr. Jackson:
Well, actually it means a lot of things. Loosely translated it means "attention", "listen up", "concentrate"…

Col. O'Neill:
"Yoo-hoo?"

Dr. Jackson:
Yes, in a manner of speaking.

Apophis:
My First Prime killed you before my very eyes.

Col. O'Neill:
I'm feeling much better, thank you.

[An alternate-reality Carter has to say goodbye to O'Neill, whose counterpart she married]

Samantha:
You have to understand, my Jack had the same face, same voice…same hands.

Col. O'Neill:
Which brings to mind an obvious question: How could you marry such a loser?

[The Carters are arguing]:

Col. O'Neill:
Ladies! Sams... We're all in this... reality together.

Maj. Carter:
Sir, he's not a Goa'uld.

Col. O'Neill:
And? But? So? Therefore?

Aris Boch:
You were thinking of the Goa'uld personal shields. The ones which allow slower-moving objects to pass through. That would hardly make a good trap, now, would it?

Col. O'Neill:
Can't blame a girl for trying.

Aris Boch:
Dr. Jackson, if you don't mind treating my wound.

Dr. Jackson:
I'm an archaeologist.

Aris Boch:
I know, but you're also a doctor.

Dr. Jackson:
…of archeology.

Aris Boch:
Captain? You must have some medical training.

Maj. Carter:
Actually, I'm a… major now.

Aris Boch:
Oh, well how very important. I'll inform the galaxy. Can you get over here now and help me, Major?

Aris Boch:
And you, O'Neill, you're considered... well, you're a pain in the mikta.

Col. O'Neill:
[looks over at Teal'c] Neck?

Teal'c:
No.

Col. O'Neill:
We're exactly one zat gun short of actually having a zat gun.

Aris Boch:
Zat gun?

Col. O'Neill:
Drop the n'kitel.

[Aris considers this for a moment]

Aris Boch:
I guess it does save a bit of effort.

Col. O'Neill:
So Teal'c, how does one Goa'uld fire weapons from several directions?

Teal'c:
Tacs.

Col. O'Neill:
Tac'nik'tels?

Teal'c:
Tacuchnatagamuntorons.

[Jack stares at him]

Teal'c:
Tacs.

[O'Neill and Jackson are trying to remember the alien password Boch used to open his ship]

Dr. Jackson:
Barockna!

Col. O'Neill:
Gesundheit.

[SG-1 meets Aris Boch]:

Col. O'Neill:
Who are you?

Aris Boch:
Aris Boch. Perhaps you've heard of me.

Col. O'Neill:
Umm.. not I... Teal'c?

Teal'c:
I have not.

Aris Boch:
Well that's disappointing. I'm one of the galaxy's greatest bounty hunters.

Col. O'Neill:
Not ringing a bell, sorry.

Aris Boch:
Well I know you. Captain Samantha Carter. Dr Daniel Jackson. The Jaffa traitor Teal'c. And Colonel Jack O'Neill.

Col. O'Neill:
Well, fancy that. We're famous.

Aris Boch:
Dr. Jackson is right. There is something you can do.

Col. O'Neill:
Let's hear it.

Aris Boch:
Well, you help me capture a Goa'uld, and I'll let you go.

Col. O'Neill:
He's worth that much?

Aris Boch:
Twice as much as all of you put together.

Col. O'Neill:
Twice?

Dr. Jackson:
Twice.

Aris Boch:
What, you're gonna argue?

Aris Boch:
Oh, uh Dr. Jackson, I was lying to you before. The price on your head is much more than a day's ration. Actually, the Goa'uld want to see you dead as much as anyone for figuring out the stargate.

Dr. Jackson:
Thank you, that... doesn't make me feel better.

[SG-1 arrives on a new planet]

Col. O'Neill:
Ah, trees, trees, and more trees. What a wonderfully green universe we live in, eh?

(This was an inside joke as one of Richard Dean Anderson's criticisms of always filming in Canada was the abundance of filming with lots of trees):

Teal'c:
This path is well travelled.

Dr. Jackson:
This means the Stargate is still in use by someone.

Col. O'Neill:
[Lifting his pinky to his mouth, remiscient of Dr. Evil] Or something...

Col. O'Neill:
Do you read the Bible, Teal'c?

Teal'c:
It is a significant part of your Western culture. Have you not read the Bible, O'Neill?

Col O'Neill:
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Not all of it. Actually, I'm listening to it on tape. Don't tell me how it ends.

Dr. Jackson:
It was a procedure often done in the Middle Ages. They…well, they'd drill a hole in the person's head. By drilling a hole the evil spirits are released, thus saving the person from eternal damnation.

Col. O'Neill:
Thus…saving the person?

Dr. Jackson:
Well, they didn't call them the Dark Ages because it was dark.

Col. O'Neill:
Carter, the next time I feel the urge to help someone, feel free to give me a swift kick.

Col. O'Neill:
Major, next time Daniel gets the urge to help someone, shoot him.

Col. O'Neill:
So.. how long you gonna keep this up? The demon bit? Don't get me wrong, looks like a great gig. You got the padre in your back pocket, the hours are good, probably get all the chicks...ahh! [Unas grabs his neck]

Col. O'Neill:
Oh my apple!

Unas:
You are not of this world.

Col. O'Neill:
No, no we're not. Unas? What does Sokar have on you that makes you so dang cranky?

Col. O'Neill:
Look, we've run into this kind of thing before. Now, it's not a demon. It's demonesque I'll grant you, but it's just a big, ugly creature.

Daniel Jackson:
(quietly, to O'Neill) : Who's inhabited by a Goa'uld that gives it great strength, intelligence and the ability to regenerate.

Col. O'Neill:
Yes. It's a very smart, resilient creature.

Daniel Jackson:
(quietly) : In the service of Sokar, who, for all intents and purposes, is Satan to these people.

Col. O'Neill:
But it's not a demon.

Daniel Jackson:
(to Simon) : No, it's not a demon.

Hibbard:
You are all casualties until 1400 hours.

Col. O'Neill:
Would that be Daylight Savings or Standard?

Capt. Rogers:
You came through the chappa'ai. This is a challenge!

Dr. Jackson:
The chappa'ai?

[Rogers realizes that he revealed too much]

Col. O'Neill:
Oy.

Hibbert:
[quietly, aside] The stargate, sir.

Capt. Rogers:
Stargate of course. We've been so long without challenges. [to Teal'c] I am sorry Master Jaffa. I have revealed myself. [he gives Teal'c his sidearm] You must execute me for the remainder of the day.

Hibbard:
[hands his rifle to Jack] You must execute me as well.

Col. O'Neill:
Master Teal'c. Might I suggest we...spare them this time?

Teal'c:
Very well...underling.

[Jack gives him a look]

Capt. Rogers:
We extracted high-level information from the prisoners. [slyly] Corn and cotton are indigenous to North America.

Col. O'Neill:
And that information could save your life one day.

[O'Neill brings the captive Rogers his lunch]

Col. O'Neill:
Ol' Doc Frasier says you haven't been eating.

Capt. Rogers:
It's poison.

Col. O'Neill:
It's hospital food, of course it is. [takes a bite of Rogers' sandwich, then speaks with his mouth full] Mmm, tuna…

Capt. Rogers:
Go to Sokar.

Col. O'Neill:
It's "Go to hell" actually. Which, by the way, is a very rude thing to say to a person offering you a sandwich.

Capt. Rogers:
It means the same.

Col. O'Neill:
You've got a point.

Capt. Rogers:
I will reveal nothing. You may begin torturing me.

Col. O'Neill:
Oh, I've already begun. This…is the infamous Tuna Torture.

Maj. Carter:
Teal'c, what about these?

Teal'c:
They are intar.

Col. O'Neill:
Short for?

Teal'c:
Intar.

Teal'c:
This is Colonel O'Neill. He is much loved by Apophis. [To O'Neill] You may address the warriors.

Col. O'Neill:
Apophis wanted me to tell you that you've all been doing a wonderful job. Couldn't ask for more. Well done. But, he also wanted me to tell you the whole…invasion of the Tau'ri idea has been canceled due to…rain.

Gen. Hammond:
[To O'Neill] What happened, Colonel?

Capt. Rogers:
[To Hammond] My Lord?

Col. O'Neill:
Actually, we just call him…General Hammond.

Capt. Rogers:
Where is Apophis?

Col. O'Neill:
He's not here. Sorry.

Dr. Fraiser:
What have we got?

[Rogers realizes that he's been fooled and tries frantically to get off the stretcher]

Capt. Rogers:
Liars! Traitors!

Dr. Fraiser:
Easy, easy!

Capt. Rogers:
You will be punished! He will avenge me!

Dr. Fraiser:
[to Jack] Who is this, sir?

Col. O'Neill:
His name is Rogers. Despite appearances, he's not SGC.

[Rogers is wheeled away]:

Gen. Hammond:
I'd like to debrief ASAP, Colonel.

Col. O'Neill:
Yes, my Lord.

[O'Neill is explaining their plans]

Col. O'Neill:
All right, once we take the encampment, we become the defenders to buy Carter time. Is everyone clear on that? Daniel?

Dr. Jackson:
What?

Col. O'Neill:
Good.

Dr. Jackson:
Déjà vu.

Col. O'Neill:
Déjà vu.

Dr. Jackson:
Déjà vu.

Col. O'Neill:
See, now, I miss that. I have no idea what he's saying, but I buy it.

Dr. Jackson:
How did you get in here?

Col. O'Neill:
Got sick of waiting in the hall, so I let us in. You…need a new lock, by the way.

Col. O'Neill:
So Bruce Jenner, sit this one out, huh?

Rothman:
Uh, me, why?

Col. O'Neill:
You've been reassigned to another unit.

Rothman:
Why?

Col. O'Neill:
Ok, you're being replaced.

Rothman:
Why?

Col. O'Neill:
Because I'm intimidated by your intelligence, where's the confusion here?

Col. O'Neill:
[to Jackson] Listen, I'm not saying the first woman you've fallen for since Sha're isn't a peach… but if she remembers who she is, you'll be the first to go.

Col. O'Neill:
Oh my. There is a distinct lack of optimism in this room.

Dr. Fraser:
Col.?

Col. O'Neill:
I'm sorry, doctor. I forgot who I am.

Ke'ra:
There are two people inside me. In time, she will win.

Ke'ra:
I sense that before my memory was lost, we knew each other.

General Hammond:
Doctor, you're asking me to allow a known homicidal maniac to work with potentially lethal substances?

Dr. Frasier:
Yes sir. But with all due respect, Daniel may be right. Ke'ra may be an entirely different person than Linea, without the memories that made her the person she was.

O'Neill:
Scuse me, amnesia check? Destroyer. Of. Worlds.

[Martouf and SG-1 are infiltrating a planet modeled after human conception of Hell.]

Martouf:
Shall we embark?

Col. O'Neill:
By all means. To Hell with us.

Martouf:
The Tok'ra have reason to believe that Sokar is preparing to launch a massive attack against the System Lords.

Col. O'Neill:
Isn't that good news?

Teal'c:
The chaotic and feudal nature of the System Lords fragmented rule is a far more vulnerable target than that of one all powerful Goa'uld.

Martouf:
Especially if that Goa'uld is Sokar.

Gen. Hammond:
He's really that much worse than the others?

Dr. Jackson:
Of all the gods he picked to impersonate, he chose The Devil.

Dr. Jackson:
Is it me, or is it actually getting hotter in here?

Col. O'Neill:
Uh, little of both, probably.

Dr. Jackson:
You said Hell, right?

Col. O'Neill:
Well, I'm going to end up there sooner or later. Might as well check out the neighborhood, huh?

Col. O'Neill:
(On seeing the inside of Ne'tu) Certainly not Emerald City.

Col O'Neill:
You do understand we're not too happy to see you.

Apophis:
Your insolence is music to my ears.

Apophis:
Major Carter was most forthcoming.

Col. O'Neill:
She didn't tell you squat. Oh by the way, neither will I.

Apophis:
You are not here for information. You are here for my amusement.

Dr. Jackson:
Your mate, Amonet, is dead. Sorry to ruin your day. [Pause] No, actually, I'm-I'm wrong about that. I'm not sorry.

Apophis:
Sokar sent word to me of Amonet's death. I did not believe it.

Dr. Jackson:
Well, believe it. It's true.

Apophis:
Then it must also be true that Teal'c is the murderer!

Col. O'Neill:
Oh, that must just wrap things up real nice for you?

Col. O'Neill:
They put that damn memory thing on me. And then they gave me something…that reminded me of the 70's.

Dr. Jackson:
The Blood of Sokar.

Col. O'Neill:
Daniel?

Dr. Jackson:
Yeah?

Col. O'Neill:
I'm going to pass out again.

Tokra Aldrin:
They're here! They're here! Go, Go, Go!

Col. O'Neill:
How is a needle in my butt going to get water out of my ears?

[O'Neill is in the infirmary for a post-mission checkup. A nurse approaches with a hypodermic, O'Neill watches dubiously as she prepares the needle.]

Col. O'Neill:
[to the nurse] Listen, really jam it in this time, okay? [makes stabbing motion]

Maj. Carter:
Maybourne, you are an idiot every day of the week. Why couldn't you have taken one day off?!

Col. O'Neill:
You sure you're up to this?

Teal'c:
As always.

Col. O'Neill:
You're an animal.

Maybourne:
What happened?

Maj. Carter:
They self-destructed.

Teal'c:
The destruction appears to be complete.

Maj. Carter:
That's a lot of damage.

Col. O'Neill:
Coat of paint. A little touch-up… it'll be fine.

Teal'c:
Those who escaped still possess the knowledge they obtained from being linked to your minds.

Col. O'Neill:
That's creepy.

Maj. Carter:
So you built that…Stargate?

Narim:
Yes.

Dr. Jackson:
[to O'Neill] Way smarter than we are.

Col. O'Neill:
Ours is bigger.

Narim:
No harm will come to you. The Tollan will guarantee it.

Col. O'Neill:
Is that a 'money back if you're not completely alive' guarantee?

Councillor Travell:
[to Teal'c, sternly] You disregarded my warning.

Col. O'Neill:
[pleased] Mine too. Well done.

Maj. Carter:
I thought the Nox were pacifists.

Lya:
I merely hid the weapon, I did not fire it.

Major Carter:
Ah. Pretty fine line you didn't cross.

Lya:
Yes, it is.

Councillor Travell:
We are honored that you have agreed to participate in Triad. Your seeker will decide which one of you will be archon.

Col. O'Neill:
Seeker? Archon? [to Daniel] Daniel?

Col. O'Neill:
Well, this just became a piece of cake, a walk in the park, a day at the beach!

Dr. Jackson:
An accident waiting for a place to happen.

Col. O'Neill:
Mr. Negative...

Gen. Hammond:
Are we absolutely sure that SG1 is-what's the word?

Dr. Frasier:
Sane?

Gen. Hammond:
That's the one.

[Sam is walking down the corridor in the middle of a conversation with Urgo]

Sam:
I don't have time to play, Urgo, I don't care if I'm "it"...because I have work to do. [pause] No, I am not hungry. Look, go eat pie with Colonel O'Neill or something. I'm very busy right now.

[Hammond and Dr. Frasier walk down the hall toward Sam]

Hammond:
Major?

Sam:
Hi. I was just talking to Urgo, sir.

Hammond:
I see.

Sam:
Oh, I wish you did.

Dr. Frasier:
[addressing the empty corridor behind Carter] Alright, Urgo, Major Carter would like to...

Sam:
[gestures to her right] Doctor- He's over here, actually.

Dr. Frasier:
[addressing the empty space to Carter's right] Well then Urgo...Major Carter would very much like to be left alone.

Sam:
As much as I appreciate it... please... Urgo, that is rude!

Dr. Frasier:
[with a shocked look] What did he say?

Gen. Hammond:
Can we determine what threat they pose?

Col. O'Neill:
Apparently all desserts on base are in grave danger.

Urgo:
It's death or me. Me or death. You've got to decide. Me or death. [No answer.] Well?

Col O'Neill:
We're thinking.

Maj. Carter:
A strong enough EM pulse can knock out most electronic-based technologies. It would be harmless to us, but it should render Urgo impotent.

Urgo:
Could you, ah, rephrase that?

Urgo:
Wait! I can be dull. Want me to be dull? [tonelessly] What a nice shade of gray. How about some white bread with mayonnaise? Want to watch golf on television?

Urgo:
I want to live, I want to experience the universe, and I want to eat pie.

Col O'Neill:
Who doesn't?

Col. O'Neill:
I was not singing. I'd know if I was singing. I don't even know the words to 'Row, row, row…'

[Dr. Fraiser turns on a recording of a surveillance video, in which O'Neill is, indeed, singing]

Col. O'Neill:
[on video, singing]...life is but a dream. And row, row, row your boat gently down the stream...

Col. O'Neill:
[watching the video] Okay. If you call that "singing".

Urgo:
You are so smart, Samantha. I love that about you.

Col. O'Neill:
Carter?

Major Carter:
The technology implanted in our brains, sir. We're looking at some kind of visual communication interface controlled hallucination.

Col. O'Neill:
So…I…what?

Urgo:
He gets confused. By the way: who is Mary Steenburgen?

Urgo:
Years from now, when you're thinking about me, you're gonna say, ooohhh, how did I ever get along without that wonderful, constant companion? Woof!

Col. O'Neill:
Years from now?

Dr. Jackson:
Woof?!

Col. O'Neill:
Well, let's ask the question. Do we want to give up SG-1 and walk around the rest of our lives with...him yapping away inside our heads?

Urgo:
[whispering to Carter] Yes. Say 'yes.'

Col. O'Neill:
Or do we want to take the chance so we can get on with our lives?

Urgo:
[whispering to Carter] No. Say 'no.'

Urgo:
Sam, Sammy! You like me. I remind you of your Uncle Irving. Boobala! [he pops his finger in his cheek]

Urgo:
You know, you were just thinking of that island Maui? With the big beaches and the little bikinis? Well, that's where we should go ... [Sam looks at Jack knowing. He shakes his head as if he has no idea what Urgo's talking about]

Col. O'Neill:
[derisive] I'm sure you'll enjoy Urgo's presence just as much as we have.

Urgo:
Ha, I knew you liked me!

Urgo:
Count me out. I don't want to do it. He's mean and boring and-and-and... mean.

Col. O'Neill:
We're giving you a chance here. Him or death.

Urgo:
No, I-

Col. O'Neill:
Death or him.

Urgo:
Oh dear.

Col. O'Neill:
Well?

Urgo:
I'm thinking.

Urgo:
I didn't mean to!

Col. O'Neill, Dr. Jackson and Major Carter:
He didn't mean to!

Teal'c:
It was not his intention.

Maj. Carter:
The probe indicates a sustainable atmosphere. Temperature 78 degrees Fahrenheit. Barometric pressure is normal.

Dr. Jackson:
No obvious signs of civilization.

Maj. Carter:
P4X-884 looks like an untouched paradise, sir.

Teal'c:
Appearances may be deceiving.

Col. O'Neill:
One man's ceiling is another man's floor.

Dr.Jackson:
A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.

Col. O'Neill:
Never run with…scissors?

Col. O'Neill:
Mmmm, mineral survey. My favorite.

Gen. Hammond:
Colonel.

Col. O'Neill:
I know, General. It's all fun and games until someone breaks a nail.

Col. O'Neill:
Au revoir, mon General.

Teal'c:
I am unfamiliar with that term, O'Neill.

Col. O'Neill:
Au revoir. It's French. It means ciao. Ciao…means adios, auf Wiedersehen, sayonara, which all loosely translated means…

[They enter the Stargate, only to emerge in the SGC again]

Col. O'Neill:
Goodbye?

Hammond:
What happened?

O'Neill:
What happened?

Hammond:
That's what I just asked you. Will someone please tell me what's going on?

Sam:
General...we just left.

Hammond:
You've been gone over 15 hours.

Urgo:
Whats this?

Sam:
Its a defibrillator.

[Janet looks over at the defibrillator]

Urgo:
Ah interesting. Thank you. Is it difibulating right now?

Sam:
He...uh...it seems to crave new experiences. You use the paddles to administer an electric shock to peoples hearts who are beating irregularly.

Urgo:
Ah. Then they feel better. Does it feel good?

[Sam shakes head "no"]

Urgo:
Does it hurt?

[Sam shakes head "yes"]

Urgo:
Whoa, it hurts.

Daniel:
I would think so.

Urgo:
Let's try it.

Daniel:
I don't think so.

Urgo:
It's not going to kill you, is it? Or is it?

Maj. Carter:
I'll make some more observations tonight, Sir.

Dr. Jackson:
I'm gonna check the…geological record in the morning.

Col. O'Neill:
I'll…make a wish.

[The Tollans have just left the SGC Conference Room to retrive their stolen Technology]

Col. O'Neill:
Well, look who's here. Come to retrieve your vastly superior stuff?

[shouting after the Tollans] It'd be a lot more superior if it wasn't so easy to steal!

Gen. Hammond:
How's the retirement going?

Col. O'Neill:
Uh, great. I retire, I wake up, I retire… It's a living. [pause] I'm bored out of my skull, sir.

Col. O'Neill:
I do appreciate that you were the one to come and see if I was okay. That... that means something.

Dr. Jackson:
Ah... actually, no, it doesn't.

Col. O'Neill:
No?

Dr. Jackson:
Um... we, ah, we drew straws.

[Jackson, Carter, and Teal'c all look at one another uncomfotably]

Dr. Jackson:
I lost.

Dr. Jackson:
Kind of crossing the line…

Col. O'Neill:
Shut up Daniel.

Gen. Hammond:
Colonel, you don't seem to understand how serious this matter is. You and your team have committed a court-martiable offense.

Col. O'Neill:
To be fair, General, I did it. Carter and Daniel protested. And Teal'c…well he really didn't say anything but I could tell he was opposed to my actions by the way he cocked his head and sort of raised his eyebrow… [he demonstrates, raising his eyebrow]

Rigar:
Let us talk about your friend in the woods.

Col. O'Neill:
I have no friends. In the woods or otherwise.

[Rigar is questioning SG-1 about how they got to his planet.]

Rigar:
"Wormholes"?

Col. O'Neill:
Giant worms. Huge.

Col. O'Neill:
Hey, Rigar, you know that "we come in peace" business? Bite me.

Rigar:
And how is this illusion of water created that I have heard described.

Dr. Jackson:
Well you're right in that it is an illusion. It's not actually water.

Rigar:
Then what is it?

Col. O'Neill:
Magic.

Teal'c:
Apophis must have transported off of Sokar's ship before it exploded.

Col. O'Neill:
Son of a bitch! Somebody's got to teach that guy how to die.

Dr. Jackson:
The monk is someone who has taken up curatorship.

Col. O'Neill:
Kind of janitor?

Dr. Jackson:
More of a guide.

Col. O'Neill:
An usher?

Dr. Jackson:
Is there a child in here?

Monk:
There is a child in all of us.

Col. O'Neill:
If we happen to make it out of here in one piece, remind me to harm Daniel severely.

[The team arrives at Kheb's temple]

Col. O'Neill:
Well, someone's been reading Martha Stewart.

Monk:
I only know a snowflake cannot exist in a storm of fire.

Col. O'Neill:
What?

Dr. Jackson:
Jack.

Col. O'Neill:
No, I…you know me, I'm a huge fan of subtlety, but that's downright encrypted.

Dr. Jackson:
[to the monk] Sorry, don't worry about him.

Monk:
The sun is warm, the wind is wild, the grass is green along the shores. Here no bull can hide.

Col. O'Neill:
[to himself] I don't know about that.

Dr. Jackson:
Jack, he's speaking in Zen Koans. Whatever theology he follows may be an original basis for Buddhism on Earth.

Col. O'Neill:
Well that's very nice. I'll be sure to call the Dalai Lama when we get home.

Monk:
Those who seek one-ness, find all that they seek.

Dr. Jackson:
I think this is gonna take a while.

Col. O'Neill:
Really? What gives you that idea?

Monk:
When the mind is enlightened, the spirit is freed, the body matters not.

Dr. Jackson:
Oma? What does that mean?

Monk:
Words cannot express things, speech cannot convey the spirit. Swayed by words, one is lost.

Monk:
Why do you seek this child of flesh and bones?

Dr. Jackson:
He is the son of my wife.

Monk:
But not your son.

Dr. Jackson:
No. But my wife is dead now and I promised her I would make sure the boy is safe.

Monk:
And you are sure he will be safe with you?

Dr. Jackson:
Yes. Absolutely.

Monk:
Because it is so clear, it takes a longer time to realize it. If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, the meal was cooked a long time ago.

Bra'tac:
I am not yet ready to give up. I feel alive Teal'c, like a young man…of eighty. We still have false gods to slay.

Monk:
You hate the Goua'uld?

Dr. Jackson:
Yes.

Monk:
Your hate will lead to the child's death.

Maj. Carter:
Normally neutrinos pass right through ordinary matter, no matter how dense. I mean, something like five hundred million billion just passed through you.

Col. O'Neill:
No matter how dense?

Col. O'Neill:
Hey. If you'd been listening, you'd know that Nintendos pass through everything. Everything.

[O'Neill is in the infirmary, recovering from lepton radiation sickness, while Dr. Rothman studies the crystal skull.]

Teal'c:
Dr Rothman is now studying it.

Col. O'Neill:
Rothman couldn't figure out an ashtray. The guy we need working on that skull is Daniel.

Teal'c:
It is he whom we endeavor to locate, O'Neill.

Col. O'Neill:
Look, I'm sick of laying around. Help me up.

Teal'c:
Dr. Frasier believes you are not strong enough to undertake such a mission.

Col. O'Neill:
Yeah, whatever.

[He tries to get up but only succeeds in rolling off the bed and onto the floor, where he lands with a 'thud'.]

Teal'c:
[Looking down at O'Neill] Dr. Frasier is usually correct in such matters.

[He bends down and hauls O'Neill back onto the bed, leaving him face down.]

Col. O'Neill:
[muffled] Thank you.

Teal'c:
You are welcome, O'Neill.

[Concerning the crystal skull]

Dr. Rothman:
Teleportation device? What do you think?

Sgt. Siler:
I think you're gonna get fired.

Dr. Jackson:
You can see me?

Nick Ballard:
Yes, Daniel, I can see you.

Dr. Jackson:
[exasperated] Why didn't you say something?!

Nick Ballard:
You're not real, so it doesn't mean anything.

Dr. Jackson:
No, no, I'm real! You're not hallucinating.

Nick Ballard:
Hallucinations always say that.

[Dr. Jackson is invisible to everyone except Nick]

Nick Ballard:
Forgive me, he is here. Daniel is here.

Dr. Jackson:
Repeat what I'm saying; I'm standing right beside you.

Nick Ballard:
Standing right beside me.

Col. O'Neill:
[sarcastically] He's lost a few pounds.

Dr. Jackson:
Jack, don't be an ass.

Nick Ballard:
Jack, don't be an ass.

[O'Neill looks shocked]

Col. O'Neill:
Daniel?

Nick Ballard:
Now we must wait for the giant aliens.

Col. O'Neill:
That just has a nice ring to it.

Dr. Jackson:
You know, it's funny. I mean, after everything we've been through these past few years... and, of all things, it's my appendix that lays me out.

Col. O'Neill:
[to Carter] You know, maybe it's just me, but I always thought when one got some leave time, one actually left. Daniel's recuperating, Teal'C's off visiting his kid somewhere... Personally, I have a date with a lake in Minnesota where the bass grow that big. [Opens his arms wide]

Maj. Carter:
[Sarcastically] Really?!

Jack O'Neill:
Oh, Yes! What I'm describing here, Carter, involves a very important element...

Maj. Carter:
This IS fun to me, Sir.

Jack O'Neill:
Well, if, playing with your little reactor sounds better than exploring the lakes and natural beauty of Northern Minnesota, there's not much I can do.

Maj. Carter:
Was that an invitation... Sir?

Jack O'Neill:
There's nothing wrong with that is there? [She shakes her head, then looks down to his chest, then back up to his eyes] Couple of Co-workers, friends if you will, fishing. It'd be fun.

Maj. Carter:
[Smiles] Wow! [Blushing] I appreciate the offer, Sir, really! Sounds great! But I should..

Jack O'Neill:
[Cutting her off] No sweat! See you in a week. And by all means, have fun! [He leaves, Sam considers the naquadah reactor]

Maj. Carter:
[Running after O'Neill in the hallway] Colonel! [He turns] Uh... [He cocks his head, and raises his eyebrows] [Sam looses her smile] Have a good time!

Jack O'Neill:
Land of sky-blue waters, loofas, [Sam smiles real pretty here] ya sure ya betcha', snookums, mosquitoes --- [He disappears in a white light]

[Sam looks astonished and hits a nearby base alarm button.]

[Cut to a shot of an Asgard ship in orbit over the Earth, we see a white light streaking toward the ship from the planet]

[Cut to interior of the Asgard ship. O'Neill appears in a flash of white light]

Jack O'Neill:
...Home of the loon. [A confused look crosses his face, he looks around] Thor? [Long pause as O'Neill looks around] Helloo?

[Teal'c enters the airlock and the door closes]

Col. O'Neill:
Say something.

Teal'c:
One small step for Jaffa.

Col. O'Neill:
Very nice.