Stargate SG-1, Season 6

Gen. Hammond:
Col. Checkov feels that as a symbol of our joint efforts, a Russian officer should be assigned to join SG-1.

Col. O'Neill:
Over my rotting corpse, Sir.

Gen. Hammond:
[sternly] Colonel…

Col. O'Neill:
[innocently] I'm sorry, did I say that out loud?

Gen. Hammond:
I said I would discuss it with you and that I was sure you would give it some careful thought.

Col. O'Neill:
And that I will, General, but I'm still pretty sure I'll say, "Bite me."

Col. O'Neill:
Hammond is insisting SG-1 needs a socio-political nerd to offset our overwhelming coolness.

Teal'c:
Have you considered Jonas Quinn?

Col. O'Neill:
Now I know you've been practicing, but I still can't tell… is that a joke?

Teal'c:
He wishes to join the fight against the Goa'uld.

Col. O'Neill:
He's an al --

Teal'c:
[raises eyebrow]

Col. O'Neill:
[embarrassed] -- lien.

Dr. McKay:
Still sexy as ever I see.

Maj. Carter:
What are you doing here?

Dr. McKay:
Well, there is no point of building naquadah reactors for Russia if there isn't going to be a Russia, is there? The Pentagon thought you... might need some help.

Maj. Carter:
Not from you.

Maj. Carter:
Navigation?

Col. O'Neill:
Check.

Maj. Carter:
Oxygen pressure, temperature control?

Col. O'Neill:
All Check.

Maj. Carter:
Inertial dampeners?

Col. O'Neill:
Cool! ...and check.

Maj. Carter:
Engines?

Col. O'Neill:
All check. Phasers?

Maj. Carter:
(smiling) Sorry, sir.

Maj. Carter:
Sir, the simulations we ran anticipated every conceivable scenario.

Col. O'Neill:
You know, Carter, it's the inconceivable ones I'm concerned about.

Col. O'Neill:
[while driving the X-302 onto the tarmac] Too bad we can't drive all the way to Abydos, this thing handles like a cadillac.

[Col. O'Neill finds Carter sitting in her lab]

Col. O'Neill:
I thought you'd be down stairs working this thing out with all the other egg-heads.

[Carter gives O'Neill a look]

Col. O'Neill:
Not that you're an egg-head. [Pauses] Ok, you are, actually, but in a good way.

Maj. Carter:
I couldn't think down there. They all kept looking at me for the answer.

Col. O'Neill:
Well, you do have a penchant for pulling brilliant ideas out of your butt.

[Carter gives O'Neill a look]

Col. O'Neill:
Head! Out of your head.

Maj. Carter:
You have a habit of seeing things... [Hesitates]...in their simplest form.

[pause]

Col. O'Neill:
I'm gonna go eat some cake.

Maj. Carter:
I think I'll join you.

[A hologram of Anubis appears in front of the Stargate]'

Anubis:
I am Anubis.

Maj. Carter:
[to O'Neill] It looks like a hologram projection, sir.

Anubis:
Humans of the Tau'ri. Your end of days finally approaches. There will be no mercy.

Col. O'Neill:
[to Maj. Carter] Oh, come on. Who talks like that?

Maj. Carter:
Sir, this is Asgard technology. He must have downloaded it from Thor.

Anubis:
You will bow to my awesome power. There is nothing that can stop the destruction I bring upon you. Prepare to meet your doom.

Col. O'Neill:
Oh, please.

[About the failed mission with the X-302]

Maj. Carter:
They're still analyzing the flight data recorder, but it looks like a 605-3 error.

Gen. Hammond:
Forgive me?

Col. O'Neill:
It's the one after 605-2, sir.

Dr. McKay:
[about Anubis] Has a real flair for the dramatic, doesn't he? Very theatrical.

Maj. Carter:
Yeah, pretty much all the Goa'uld are like that.

Dr. McKay:
But, why wait? Why does this guy show up a day and a half after this all starts to do his whole "prepare to meet your doom" thing?

Maj. Carter:
I don't know, maybe he wanted to make sure it was gonna work.

Dr. McKay:
Yeah, that would be embarrassing, wouldn't it? [pretending to be Anubis] "Nothing can stop the destruction that I bring upon you!" And then the Gate shuts down. [again pretending to be Anubis] "Oops, sorry, never mind."

Maj. Carter:
Yeah, well, that didn't happen, and we only have fifty-four hours left.

Maj. Carter:
So, what? We call Anubis up and ask him to stop?

Dr. McKay:
Yeah, "Hey, Anubis, this is your agent, you're playing it way over the top, can you get serious, please?"

Maj. Carter:
For the record, I hate you.

Dr. McKay:
Well, it can't get any worse, then, can it?

Maj. Carter:
Oh, no I'm rapidly working up to despise.

Maj. Carter:
(sarcastically) If I'm going to take credit for this, shouldn't the EM pulse generator be pointed at the Gate?

[McKay goes to visit Carter in the infirmary, as she recovers from electrical burns]

Dr. McKay:
Hi.

Maj. Carter:
Oh, man, and I was just starting to feel better.

Dr. McKay:
[takes a deep breath, appearing to be relaxing] I always wanted to be a pianist.

Maj. Carter:
[Thinking McKay said "penis"] Excuse me?

Dr. McKay:
A concert pianist --- you know, a guy who plays the piano [he mimes playing the piano] in front of lots of people?

Maj. Carter:
[Sam smiles] Right.

Dr. McKay:
What did you think I said?

Maj. Carter:
Never mind.

Dr. McKay:
I had a not-so-comfortable childhood. My parents hated each other. Blamed me. Music was my salvation. It had this ... perfect order for me.

Maj. Carter:
[smiles, patronizing] That's nice, really.

Dr. McKay:
When I was 12, my teacher told me to quit. A fine clinical player, he said, but no sense of the art whatsoever.

Maj. Carter:
Why are you telling me this?

Dr. McKay:
I'm just ... trying to bond.

Maj. Carter:
Why?

Dr. McKay:
Hospital gowns turn me on. [He smiles] I turned to science because I thought it would be different than music, but it isn't. It's just the same, it's just as much of an art as anything else.

Maj. Carter:
Look, it's not your fault that the EM pulse didn't work.

Dr. McKay:
You're an artist, Major. Maybe the best I've ever seen. I'm just critical because I'm jealous.

Maj. Carter:
I'm touched, really. I wish I had a brilliant plan to draw up for you.

Dr. McKay:
And you're funny, too. Even electrocuted. I mean, I've ... I've got nothing.

Maj. Carter:
You're creeping me out, McKay.

[McKay looks down into the gate room, where Jonas is staring at the gate]

Dr. McKay:
What do you think the little alien guy's doing down there?

[Sam goes down to the gate room]

Maj. Carter:
...Jonas?

Jonas Quinn:
I was just wondering...how did you get the gate in here?

Maj. Carter:
Oh...well, this was originally a missile silo, so we just lowered it in from the surface with the crane.

Jonas Quinn:
...can it go up?

Maj. Carter:
They're working on lightening the 302, but that's why you're going alone. Believe it or not, every pound counts.

Col. O'Neill:
I shouldn't have had that cake.

Maj. Carter:
I wish I could go with you Sir.

Col. O'Neill:
Yes, I'm sure you do. [Stepping in the elevator] And I find that quite bizarre.

[Carter kisses McKay on the cheek]

Dr. McKay:
[thrilled] That means you don't hate me.

Major Carter:
Maybe. Too bad for you.

Dr. McKay:
Why?

Major Carter:
I was more attracted to you when I did.

[Hammond is packing up his office. O'Neill picks up a lamp.]

Col. O'Neill:
You sure you want to take this with you, sir?

Gen. Hammond:
We're closed for business. I was supposed to retire five years ago. We don't know how long it's going to be before we can re-establish the Stargate Program, if ever.

Col. O'Neill:
Actually, I just meant, it says "Property of US Air Force" on it.

Col. O'Neill:
Next time we crash our brand new mothership, what do you say we do it in the tropics?

Maj. Carter:
Actually, sir, it wouldn't make a difference. At this depth, all water is ice cold.

Col. O'Neill:
Shallower water, then…shallower.

Maj. Carter:
Yes, sir. I'll keep that in mind.

Col. O'Neill:
Or we could just not crash at all. It would be nice to keep our nice new mothership more than a couple of hours.

Maj. Carter:
Yes sir.

[Col. O'Neill and Carter resurface after almost drowning]

Maj. Carter:
[Speaking into her radio] Dad? We're alright.

Col. O'Neill:
Tell him I take back everything I was thinking while I was underwater.

Col. O'Neill:
Next mothership we keep, okay?

[O'Neill and Jonas have just escaped the mothership in a death glider. Jonas is smiling.]

Col. O'Neill:
[suspiciously] Are you smiling?

Jonas:
First time in a death glider.

Col. O'Neill:
Oh! Well… [starts flying crazy]

Jacob Carter:
You know, sometimes I get a little concerned that you're gonna get my favorite planet wiped out.

Col. O'Neill:
Yes. What planet is that?

Jonas:
Those of us not originally from the planet Earth...got to stick together, right?

Teal'c:
Are you suggesting an alien conspiracy?

Jonas:
No...oh...Of course, yes. I...I was warned about your occasional use of humor. It'...Got me!

[Teal'c stares at Jonas absolutely serious. Jonas frowns.]

Jonas:
No conspiracy!

Teal'c:
[into radio] The crew appears to have abandoned ship.

Gen. Hammond:
That's good to hear. I don't mind telling you that we've been holding our breath down here.

Teal'c:
That is most unwise.

Col. O'Neill:
I have to go blow something up.

[After an explosion]

Maj. Davis:
That was loud.

Col. O'Neill:
What?

Dr. Michaels:
Hi. It's nice to finally meet you, Major.

Maj. Carter:
You too. Dr. Michaels, this is Dr. Fraiser.

Dr. Michaels:
Doctor.

Dr. Fraiser:
Doctor.

Dr. Michaels:
[also introducing] Uh…Drs. Woods and Osbourne.

Dr. Fraiser:
Doctor.

Dr. Woods:
Doctor.

Dr. Osbourne:
Major.

Maj. Carter:
Doctor.

Woods:
Major.

Dr. Fraiser:
Doctor.

Col. O'Neill:
All right. That's enough.

Col. O'Neill:
D'oh!

Teal'c:
What is it O'Neill?

Col. O'Neill:
I forgot to tape The Simpsons...

[Teal'c stares at O'Neill, seemingly not understanding]

Col. O'Neill:
It's important to me!

[Teal'c leaves, apparently thinking O'Neill is nuts]

Dr. Michaels:
That's impossible!

Maj. Carter:
We've seen stranger.

Col. O'Neill:
Listen. Could somebody bottom-line this for me?

Dr. Fraiser:
Well, Sir, we could be looking at evidence that human beings evolved long before we thought they did.

Dr. Michaels:
And maybe not even originally on this planet.

Col. O'Neill:
Darwin would be crushed.

[Jonas is having a burger, fries, and milkshake for lunch. Sam arrives just in time to see him dunk a fry in the shake and eat it.]

Maj. Carter:
Nice… lunch.

Jonas:
Mmmm. I'm really starting to enjoy this "traditional American food".

Maj. Carter:
We have another tradition. It's called "hardened arteries".

Jonas:
Don't tell me you haven't noticed how strange the people have been acting around here.

Maj. Carter:
What are you talking about?

Jonas:
Well for instance, that man there right behind Teal'c, he doesn't realize it, but he just put eight cubes of sugar into his coffee, and that lady over at the counter, she's been reading the same article for half an hour. Since we sat down, that waitress has dropped her tray twice and the cook has done three wrong orders including my hamburger, which I ordered medium rare, but is in fact well done. It's like the whole town is half asleep.

Ba'al:
Who are you?

Col. O'Neill:
You go first.

Ba'al:
[picking up a knife] You claim you do not know me?

Col. O'Neill:
Well, take no offense there, Skippy, I'm sure you're a real hot, important Goa'uld, I've just always been kind of out of the loop with the snake thing.

Ba'al:
I am Ba'al.

Col. O'Neill:
That's it? Just "Ball"? As in "bocce"?

Ba'al:
Do you not know the pain you will suffer for this impudence? [aims the knife at Jack]

Col. O'Neill:
I don't know the meaning of the word. Seriously. "Impudence." What does that mean?

Dr. Jackson:
Hi, Jack. [waves]

Col. O'Neill:
Daniel?

Dr. Jackson:
I leave and look at the mess you get yourself into.

Dr. Jackson:
It's good to see you.

Col. O'Neill:
Yeah. You too. Shame you're a delusion.

Dr. Jackson:
No, I'm here. I'm...really here.

Col O'Neill:
Sure you are.

[O'Neill removes his shoe and tosses it at Jackson. The shoe passes right through him]

Dr. Jackson:
Here in the sense that my consciousness is here, if not here in the full physical flesh and blood sense, which is really...neither...here nor there. The point is, you're not imagining this.

Col. O'Neill:
I just tossed my shoe through you!

Dr. Jackson:
I'm energy now…

Col. O'Neill:
How's that workin' out for ya?

Dr. Jackson:
Good, actually. Very…

Col. O'Neill:
Good.

Dr. Jackson:
Very good.

Col. O'Neill:
So show me your stuff. Bust me out of here.

Dr. Jackson:
I can't…

Col. O'Neill:
Why not?

Dr. Jackson:
I'm not allowed to interfere.

Col. O'Neill:
You're interfering right now.

Dr. Jackson:
No, I'm not.

Col. O'Neill:
Yes, you are.

Dr. Jackson:
No, I'm not. I am consoling a friend.

Col. O'Neill:
So… you wanna be my Oma?

Dr. Jackson:
You could put it that way. I mean, I wouldn't, but maybe that's just me.

Dr. Jackson:
Jack, who are you talking to?

Col. O'Neill:
The woman.

Dr. Jackson:
[looks up] There's nobody there.

Col. O'Neill:
Look who's talking.

Dr. Jackson:
Come on, Jack. Y-You think the Asgard named a-a ship after you because they thought it was a cool name? Now's not the time to play dumb, you're a lot smarter than that. They saw our potential in you…because of who you are and what you've done. Humanity's potential. That's the same thing Oma saw in me.

Col. O'Neill:
I am not you.

Dr. Jackson:
Yeah, when has that ever stopped you from doing anything?

Col. O'Neill:
Okay… put yourself in my shoes and me in yours.

Dr. Jackson:
You'd be here for me.

Col. O'Neill:
Damn straight! I'd have busted you out, blown this rat hole to hell and made sure that son-of-a-bitch suffered!

Dr. Jackson:
The Others would have stopped you.

Col. O'Neill:
They'd have a hell of a fight on their hands.

Dr. Jackson:
You wouldn't do that.

Col. O'Neill:
Ba'al would be dead.

Dr. Jackson:
Jack-

Col. O'Neill:
And don't think I'd stop there!

Dr. Jackson:
[forcefully] You're a better man than that!

Col. O'Neill:
[yelling] That's where you're wrong!

Dr. Jackson:
What I'm offering you is your only way out.

Col. O'Neill:
You're wrong about that too. I have another choice

Dr. Jackson:
What are you talking about?

[O'Neill gives Jackson a significant look]

Dr. Jackson:
No.

Col. O'Neill:
Any minute, they're gonna come. Ba'al is gonna kill me again. You can make it the last time.

Dr. Jackson:
Don't ask me to do that.

Col. O'Neill:
You can put an end to it.

Dr. Jackson:
I won't do it.

Col. O'Neill:
I'd do it for you, and you know it. I don't want to see this cell again, Daniel.

Dr. Jackson:
Look, I know you don't think so…right now, I mean, I know you have your doubts, but uh…because you've been through something that no one should have to go through... I guess what I'm trying to say is…you're going to be all right.

Col. O'Neill:
How do you know?

Dr. Jackson:
You're just going to have to trust me.

Dr. Jackson:
I always seem to be saying goodbye to you.

Col. O'Neill:
Yeah, I noticed that. Why don't you stick around for a while?

Dr. Jackson:
I can't, really.

Col. O'Neill:
You just did.

Dr. Jackson:
Special occasion.

Col. O'Neill:
Christmas?

Dr. Jackson:
No.

Col. O'Neill:
Groundhog Day?

Dr. Jackson:
[trying not to smile] Nooo.

Col. O'Neill:
I've got my journey, you got yours?

Dr. Jackson:
Something like that, yeah.

Col. O'Neill:
If I'm catchin' the next plane of existence outta here, you gotta give me somethin'.

Dr. Jackson:
It's your journey. No one but you can choose what you become or the path you take. All I can promise you is it will be an amazing journey. Once you release your burden.

Col. O'Neill:
Daniel, so help me, if you start talkin' like Oma…

Dr. Jackson:
I'm not talking like Oma Desala.

Col. O'Neill:
Sounds like Oma to me.

Dr. Jackson:
No, no, no…see, Oma Desala would say something like…uh, uh, if you know the candle is fire then the meal was cooked a long time ago or something like that.

Col. O'Neill:
Why?

Dr. Jackson:
To open your mind.

Col. O'Neill:
Though a candle burns in my house…there's nobody home.

Maj. Carter:
Well, according to their commander, the Kelownan government wants to reestablish trade relations with Earth.

Col. O'Neill:
I hope you diplomatically told him where to shove it.

Col. O'Neill:
I have nothing against them defending themselves but…how do we know they'll stop there?

Gen. Hammond:
You sound like Dr. Jackson.

Col. O'Neill:
[sarcastically] We spent some time together.

Dr. Coombs:
They'll be back, Felger. Can't you see they're just having fun with you?

Dr. Felger:
What are you talking about? There's something going on out there.

Dr. Coombs:
Oh, please, huh? They're just tired of your butt-snorkeling.

Dr. Felger:
Bite me, Coombs! At least my heroes exist. If this was a Trek convention you'd be all dressed up like a Klingon.

Dr. Coombs:
Vulcan, Felger. Vulcan. And I don't know how you can call yourself a scientist and not worship at the altar of Roddenberry!

Dr. Felger:
[mockingly] Oooh, how we gonna get outta this one, Captain? Oh, I don't know, something to do with a tachyon emitter?

Dr. Felger:
What would Col. O'Neill do if he were here now?

Dr. Coombs:
You want me to shoot you?

Maj. Carter:
How come you're not smiling?

Jonas:
Should I be?

Maj. Carter:
Well, it is your first time being captured by a Goa'uld.

Col. O'Neill:
Carter, be honest. The résumé gag…?

[There is a long pause]

Teal'c:
It needs work, O'Neill.

Dr. Coombs:
Okay, you studied Goa'uld mothership blueprints?

Dr. Felger:
Information is an SG-Team's greatest ally.

Dr. Coombs:
You know what an SG-Team's greatest ally is?! An SG-Team!

Dr. Felger:
What about "never leave a man behind"?

Col. O'Neill:
[furious] What about "we allowed ourselves to be captured"? On purpose?

Dr. Coombs:
[contrite] Oh.

Dr. Felger:
You what?

Col. O'Neill:
We're on a mission, you nit!

Dr. Felger:
Don't you get it Simon, Jaffa do not kill each other for fun.

Dr. Coombs:
They don't?

Dr. Felger:
OK, I don't know that for sure.

Dr. Felger:
You are not going to die, Coombs.

Dr. Coombs:
Oh, come on, Felger! We might as well be wearing red shirts!

Herak:
No matter what you have endured, you have never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of.

Col. O'Neill:
You ended that sentence with a preposition. Bastard!

Dr. Felger:
All that's missing now is some Jaffa chasing us.

[A Jaffa patrol is nearing their position]

Dr. Felger:
Okay, that was not my fault!

Dr. Felger:
There is something hinky going on.

Dr. Coombs:
Hinky?

Dr. Felger:
It's a word!

Dr. Coombs:
In what dictionary?!

[A Tok'ra and Jaffa are fighting]

Col. O'Neill:
What the hell are you doing?! This is a funeral for crying out loud!

Artok:
I asked a question of this Tok'ra.

Ocker:
No one may speak during the ritual!

Col. O'Neill:
For this you guys are fighting?! [to Ocker] Well, I'm sure he's sorry.

Artok:
I am not.

Col. O'Neill:
Yeah, well, on the inside.

Maj. Carter:
Sir. Several of the Tok'ra have expressed concern about the temporary quarters they've been assigned.

Col. O'Neill:
Explain to them the meaning of the word "temporary". If they don't like it, they can leave.

Maj. Carter:
You really want me to tell them that?

Col. O'Neill:
Yes. No. [sighs] I'll do it.

[Carter is explaining the status of a naquadah generator in the morning]

Maj. Carter:
It seemed like a power fluctuation in the cycle output of the naquadah reactor. But at closer inspection, I discovered the absorption port and its redundancy had been tampered with.

Col. O'Neill:
Carter! I haven't had coffee.

Maj. Carter:
Well, whoever it is, we're dealing with an enemy we can't see. Without TERs to counter that technology, we're helpless.

Malek:
Do you have the means to generate a high-frequency electromagnetic field?

Maj. Carter:
I could modify the wave output of the naquadah reactor.

Malek:
Within a range of 400 to 700 nanometers?

Maj. Carter:
That might just excite the phase particles enough to bring them into our visible light spectrum.

Col. O'Neill:
Carter?

Maj. Carter:
Sir, the invisibility field must operate-

Col. O'Neill:
Are you about to tell me that you can make the invisible guy vi-

Maj. Carter:
Yes, sir.

Col. O'Neill:
That's all I need.

Jacob Carter:
If you can see it, you can shoot it.

[Carter turns on a recalibrated naquadah generator]

Col. O'Neill:
Ooh! Anybody else feel that?

Maj. Carter:
The tingling sensation is caused by the energy field. It's not causing any physical damage, so there's nothing to worry about, sir.

Col. O'Neill:
No, I like it. It's good!

Bra'tac:
This weapon (holding up the Ashrak's large bladed knife) has shed the blood of Tokra, of Jaffa, and of the Tauri. By the hands of our common enemy, it has made us brothers! Together, we have ensured it will never spill our blood again!

Dollen:
They are sending their most respected team of representatives. No doubt the leader of this group will be a brilliant and savvy negotiator.

Tegar:
We must be at our best to match the challenge.

Dollen:
Personally, I cannot wait to meet a man of such genius.

[SG-1 enters through the Stargate]

Col. O'Neill:
Howdy, folks!

[Zenna Volk approaches Jonas and Teal'c]

Zenna:
Earthans!

Jonas:
Uh… Earthlings. [looks at Teal'c] Sort of.

Teal'c:
A Goa'uld offspring is born with the intellect and knowledge of the queen who bore it. Normally, the fully developed personality would emerge, allowing the symbiote to control the host immediately upon blending.

Col. O'Neill:
Glowing eyes, cliché behavior, evilness, that kind of thing.

[SG-1 is observing a Goa'uld queen that has spawned millions of symbiotes]

Col. O'Neill:
Alright now, how is that possible? I mean, how does she make kids without a… [pause] …man friend?

Malek:
Symbiote queens are able to fertilize their own eggs. It is essentially an asexual process.

Col. O'Neill:
That why you guys take hosts?

Gen. Hammond:
How much does she know?

Maj. Davis:
She thinks Prometheus is some kind of fusion reactor.

Gen. Hammond:
Then maybe we don't have a problem.

[Carter and Jonas are showing off the BC-303 starship to a TV newscrew]

Martell:
You're saying little green men helped you build this?

Maj. Carter:
Actually, they're gray.

Col. O'Neill:
Suffice to say you might want to get upstairs and punch "1" [supposedly the President] on the old speed dial.

Gen. Hammond:
[confused] My grandchildren?

Col. O'Neill:
"2" then.

Col. O'Neill:
They didn't go for it.

Maj. Carter:
They didn't approve the mission?

Col. O'Neill:
No, they did that. Once they knew the stakes and the whole "fate of the universe" stuff, both the president and Hammond realized we have no choice. He sends good luck, godspeed, and all those things he says when he thinks we're gonna die.

Maj. Carter:
So what didn't they go for?

Col. O'Neill:
The name I suggested.

Maj. Carter:
For the ship?

Col. O'Neill:
Yeah.

Maj. Carter:
Yeah, sir, we can't call it the Enterprise.

Col. O'Neill:
Why not?!

Maj. Carter:
The project codename is Prometheus. What's wrong with that?

Col. O'Neill:
It's a Greek tragedy. Who wants that?

Teal'c:
Replicators exist merely to increase their numbers and do so without prejudice. They are no more evil than a virus.

Col. O'Neill:
A really evil virus.

Col. O'Neill:
What's the matter with you guys? Time machines are nothing but trouble -- even we know that!

Thor:
If in fact you are reconsidering...

Col. O'Neill:
No, no. I full well expected the other shoe to drop.

Thor:
We can only hope that this will be the last footwear to fall.

First:
We are inside your unconscious mind now.

Col. O'Neill:
You'd think there'd be more lights on.

Maj. Carter:
What was the command?

Thor:
To come forth.

Jonas:
You instructed every Replicator out there to come to you?

Col. O'Neill:
I have a theory why you lost the war.

Maj. Carter:
You only saw a flash of this creature. Are you sure it wasn't a hallucination?

Jonas:
You're suggesting l'm delusional?

Col. O'Neill:
No, no. lt's just possible you were seeing something that wasn't entirely... Yes, that's what we're suggesting.

Jonas:
The possibility of being insane has been interfering with my ability to relax.

Vernon:
So what planet are they from?

Col. O'Neill:
Who?

Vernon:
The aliens.

Col. O'Neill:
Oh! A place called Melmac.

Vernon:
Isn't that where Alf was from?

Col. O'Neill:
Who?

Vernon:
Alf. You know, on TV? The puppet?

Col. O'Neill:
[deadpan] Never saw it.

Jonas:
How'd you learn to drive?

Teal'c:
It was Daniel Jackson that instructed me.

Jonas:
When was that?

Teal'c:
I believe the year was 1969.

[Recovering from a bomb blast, Carter realizes that she is on the ground, with Barrett on top of her.]

Maj. Carter:
What are you doing?

Agent Barrett:
Covering you.

Maj. Carter:
[irked] Thank you. Get up.

Agent Barrett:
What makes you think I was gonna come in here before you got them to incriminate themselves?

Maj. Carter:
When you work with someone, you just know.

Sen. Kinsey:
You need this as much as I do. The only way you're going to get public vindication is if the two of us appear on the six o'clock news, shaking hands.

Col. Jack O'Neill:
Yeah... I'm not sure it's worth it.

Col. Jack O'Neill:
Someone duplicated the duplicators?

Maybourne:
(eating hot dog) I helped myself, I hope you don't mind.

Col. O'Neill:
You're eating my dog.

Maybourne:
(chewing) You want it back?

Col. O'Neill:
You want some beer to wash it down?

Maybourne:
Already got some.

Col. O'Neill:
What are you doing here?

Col. O'Neill:
Maybourne, have you completely lost your mind? Because if you're suffering, I'll gladly put you out of your misery.

Col. O'Neill:
You know, Harry, it's not that I can't believe you lied to me again, it's that you lied to me again!

Maybourne:
I can't go back. I'd rather die here than spend the rest of my life in jail.

Col. O'Neill:
Yeah, um, I've been giving that some thought. I think you've suffered enough. Hell, I even got to shoot you.

Maybourne:
Twice.

Maybourne:
Nothing I like more than a good wiener.

Col. O'Neill:
Yes, you are what you eat.

Teal'c:
Are you able to translate any of this, Jonas Quinn?

Jonas:
It's not Ancient but it's definitely a language belonging to one of the races of the Ancient alliance.

Col. O'Neill:
Nox? Asgard?

Jonas:
Furlings.

Col. O'Neill:
Oh no, not those guys.

Jonas:
What?

Col. O'Neill:
Oh I don't know, I just can't imagine cute little furry things making big powerful weapons, that's all.

Jonas:
I don't even know what they look like.

Col. O'Neill:
Furling. Sounds cute and fuzzy to me.

Jonas:
I'm thinking of asking her out.

Maj. Carter:
Then you should.

Jonas:
On Kelowna, it's custom for that request to be passed on by a friend. [punches Carter lightly on the arm]

Maj. Carter:
Oh, it is not!

Jonas:
You could at least find out for me if she'd be receptive.

Maj. Carter:
Jonas, you are such a chickensh-- (The last part of the word is drowned out by the base's siren.)

Col. O'Neill:
Hey folks, how you doing? Jack O'Neill, Earth. Listen. originally we came here to rescue you. But as you can see we've run into a bit of a snag. So if any of you can bend steel with your bare hands or happen to be more powerful than a locomotive, just raise your hand. Identify yourselves. Let us know where you are...

British Ambassador:
I am a bit dubious that not one but two reported meteors in the last few years were in fact alien ships.

Maj. Davis:
Actually, there were three.

Sen. Kinsey:
Commander Thor, my name is-

Thor:
Senator Kinsey. O'Neill suggested I send you to a distant planet for your actions here, but I am reasonably certain his statement was in jest.

Sen. Kinsey:
[raises his finger] I'm sure it was, Commander-

Thor:
[raises his finger] Supreme Commander.

Thor:
It is the opinion of the Asgard high council that Stargate Command should be left in the very capable hands of General Hammond and his team...and while our continued friendship with Earth is not contingent on that-it. is. preferred.

Teal'c:
The Celts were formidable warriors in their time. Their descendants may make valuable allies.

Col. O'Neill:
You've seen Braveheart too often.

Col. O'Neill:
[To Carter looking through the telescope] Lots of interesting nebulous things going on?

Maj. Carter:
Yes, sir.

Col. O'Neill:
[Looks into the telescope] I don't see squat.

Maj. Carter:
Well, you wouldn't, sir, during the day.

Jonas:
[Over the radio] Colonel, Major. You have to see this.

Col. O'Neill:
Okay. You'll have to let us know where you are.

Jonas:
Right. Ah, head east.

Bra'tac:
[as "Brae"] There's putting your life on the line and there's being stupid. Guess which one you picked?

Dr. Jackson:
I haven't left your side, Teal'c. And I'm not going to. That's a promise.

Col. O'Neill:
What's that?

Maj. Carter:
Tretonin, sir.

Jonas:
The drug the Pangarans offered us?

Col. O'Neill:
Whoa! That's ground Goa'uld, isn't it?

Jacob Carter:
It's a little more refined than that, Jack...

[Maj. Carter suggests that Teal'c drink warm milk]

Teal'c:
I would prefer not to consume bovine lactose at any temperature.

Col. Ronson:
There's no redundancy for that particular system.

Col. O'Neill:
So, you're saying there's no redundancy.

Teal'c:
Yet it is happening.

Col. O'Neill:
Yet it is.

Teal'c:
Are you still having visions, Jonas Quinn?

Jonas:
Not since the surgery, no.

Col. O'Neill:
So, no lottery numbers...

Jonas:
[smiling] 'Fraid not

Col. O'Neill:
No trip to Vegas, just you and me...

Col. O'Neill:
Every time I wake up in a Goa'uld cell I can't help but have the thought that something bad is going to happen.

Mot:
You are the Tau'ri of Stargate Command.

Col. O'Neill:
And you are Lord Mot. Come to punish us for our insolence, yada, etcetera, et al.

Mot:
That is correct.

Col. O'Neill:
Well Mr Mot. We're onto you. We know what you've got planned and we've informed the Tok'ra. If we don't report back on schedule, they're goina rat you out, they'll tell your boss, they'll snitch on ya.

Col. O'Neill:
I'm sure that was an aspirin I took this morning.

Daniel Jackson:
Jack, it's really me. It's me, you have to help, you have to find the Eye of Ra before Anubis does. Keep it, hide it, destroy it, whatever, it doesn't matter, we don't have much time.

Col. O'Neill:
Hey Daniel, how you doing? Long time. How are things on the higher planes?

Daniel Jackson:
[sighs, decides to play along] Hey Jack, long time no see. How you doing?

Col. O'Neill:
Fine, just fine.

Daniel Jackson:
How are the knees, the back? Everything's..

Col. O'Neill:
Oh you know, weather contingent...

Daniel Jackson:
So what's new?

Col. O'Neill:
Ah actually a funny thing happened to me, today, I'm riding an elevator and an old friend of mine, someone who never calls, never writes just shows up and tells me all about this very important and apparently urgent mission that needs my attention.

Daniel Jackson:
You gonna help or…

Col. O'Neill:
Wait! Let me tell it, it's good! You see this buddy of mine, this pal, this chum has ascended to a whole new level of existence. Do you see the irony? He's asking for my help and he's this great and powerful being.

Daniel Jackson:
The Others have rules; just talking to you is a violation.

Col. O'Neill:
What, like jay walking, double parking, what?

Col. O'Neill:
So... you seeing anyone?

Skaara:
Maybe.

Col. O'Neill:
Really? Is it serious?

Skaara:
Maybe. We are betrothed.

Col. O'Neill:
Trust me, that's serious. Congratulations!

Skaara:
Thank you.

Col. O'Neill:
I assume my invitation got lost in the mail or..?

Skaara:
I wanted to ask you to sha'loki. To stand beside me.

Col. O'Neill:
Just during the ceremony right?

Skaara:
Yes, yes.

Col. O'Neill:
I'd be honoured.

Skaara:
Will you becoming to my wedding alone? [Sam walks up]

Col. O'Neill:
Ah... I assume Carter's invited too?

Skaara:
Of course. Will you becoming together?

Col. O'Neill:
As in?

Maj. Carter:
Friends going to a wedding.

Col. O'Neill:
[Uncomfortable] Right. Sure. [pause] Jonas? [walks away] [Skaara and Sam share a knowing smile]

O'Neill:
[to Her'ak, regarding Anubis] Don't forget to tell him you screwed up again!

Jonas:
Is it really necessary to further antagonize him?

[pause]

Col. O'Neill:
Yes.

Dr. Jackson:
Oma's here watching me.

Col. O'Neill:
And?

Dr. Jackson:
And I don't care any more.

Anubis:
With a wave of my hand, I will bombard the surface. You can try and stop me if you choose.

Dr. Jackson:
What makes you think I won't?

Anubis:
Your words mean nothing. Take action, if you dare.

Major Carter:
The only thing we can assume is that Anubis didn't keep his deal with Daniel.

Col. O'Neill:
That's a shock, eh?

Col. O'Neill:
Well, spank me rosy!

Her'ak:
Surrender or die!

Col. O'Neill:
What?

Her'ak:
Surrender or die!

Col. O'Neill:
I was just gonna say the exact same thing.

Her'ak:
O'Neill, of SG-1.

Col. O'Neill:
Hey, how you doing? You'll have to forgive me, I'm terrible with names. What was...

[A staff shot is fired]

Col. O'Neill:
Jeez!

Her'ak:
I am Her'ak.

Col. O'Neill:
Congratulations. Failing upwards I see.

Her'ak:
You are indeed all-powerful, my lord.

Anubis:
What you just saw was not my doing. [Anubis sits at his throne] However, this is! [Anubis destroys Abydos]

Skaara:
All those who wish to die

Daniel:
All those who must not fail