Stargate SG-1, Season 8

[Maj. Carter enters Dr Weir's office]

Maj. Carter:
That cargo ship was modified using the knowledge of the Ancients. Now, there is no guarantee that anyone will ever be able to figure out how it was done.

Dr. Weir:
And as the most likely person on the planet to figure it out, are you saying that if I don't let you attempt to contact the Asgard, you won't even try?

Maj. Carter:
(smiling sarcastically): I would never say that.

Dr. Jackson:
I was just going over some research material on the delegates they're sending. Camulus was the one who sent the original message. Then there's Amaterasu, Japanese Sun Goddess, and the last one is Lord Yu.

Dr. Weir:
Yu?

Dr. Jackson:
Don't. Every joke, every pun, done to death, seriously.

Dr. Jackson:
The System Lords can't be trusted, either as a group or individuals. They're posturing egomaniacs driven by an unsatisfiable lust for power, each one capable of unimaginable evil.

Dr. Weir:
See, why should I be nervous? Sounds like an average day at the United Nations.

Camulus:
Your unexpected defeat of Anubis has created an unstable situation among the System Lords. In order to avoid open war, we came to an agreement to divide his territories and his armies evenly.

Dr. Jackson:
How civilized of you.

Camulus:
Yes. Unforunately, one among us has broken that agreement.

Dr. Jackson:
Oh, no, no. Don't…don't tell me, let me…let me guess. It's ummm…

Amaterasu:
[annoyed] Ba'al.

Dr. Jackson:
Ba'al!

Thor:
Time space distortions caused by the black hole have been interfering with my ship's long-range communications.

Maj. Carter:
Understandable.

Teal'c:
Indeed. For some.

Dr. Weir:
Oh, I'm not sure anything can surprise me at this point.

Camulus:
I wish to request asylum.

Dr. Weir:
Well, it seems I was wrong again.

Dr. Jackson:
What's the last thing you remember?

Col. O'Neill:
Getting my head sucked by one of those dang... Ancient... head suckers...And something about twins.

[O'Neill regains consciousness, realizing Teal'c is no longer bald]

Col. O'Neill:
Teal'c. What's with the hair?

Thor:
O'Neill.

Col. O'Neill:
Thor. You got aspirin?

Thor:
You should feel better momentarily, and your memory will slowly return.

[Pause]

Col. O'Neill:
Teal'c. What's with the hair?

Col. O'Neill:
Sweet. What is it?

Dr. Jackson:
We don't know, you made it.

Col. O'Neill:
No.

Dr. Jackson:
Yes.

Col. O'Neill:
No.

Dr. Jackson:
Yes.

Col. O'Neill:
No.

Dr. Jackson:
Yes.

Thor:
You accessed the Ancient knowledge in your mind and instructed the ship's computer to design it.

Col. O'Neill:
Doesn't mean I know what it is.

Dr. Jackson:
You have to try, Jack.

[O'Neill looks uncertain, then approaches the weapon. He looks at it from several angles, then pokes at it uncertainly.]

Col. O'Neill:
[After a moment, as though comprehension has struck him] Ah!

[O'Neill turns to the others]

Col. O'Neill:
Yeah, I got nothin'.

[O'Neill is mowing down Replicators with his new weapon]

Col. O'Neill:
Who's your daddy!

Dr Weir:
The Pentagon has convinced the President that there is one man who could run the SGC and make it politically viable from an international perspective, despite the fact that he is part of the American military establishment.

Col. O'Neill:
Do we know this ... shrub?

Dr. Weir:
Well, you know him rather well ... Brigadier General Jack O'Neill.

Col. O'Neill:
[Stunned] Me?!

Dr. Weir:
Yeah, you.

Col. O'Neill:
Brigadier ... it's on my list.

Dr. Weir:
Congratulations.

Col. O'Neill:
I should be clear... I like the promotion, paycheck and the parking spot. But I don't really wanna be in charge of anything. No.

Col. O'Neill:
I've spent my whole life stickin' it to the Man. If I do this, I'll be the Man. I don't think I can be the Man.

Maj. Carter:
If you don't take the job, we could end up with someone much worse. [Jack looks at her] Ok... that didn't come out right...

[O'Neill has recently been promoted to Brigadier General. When he walks into the room, Carter snaps to attention]

Gen. O'Neill:
I'm only going to say this once, Carter: At ease.

Dr. Jackson:
So, how's the new job?

Gen. O'Neill:
Oy! One crisis after another. This morning the mess got a shipment of Yukon Gold potatoes instead of the usual Russets.

Dr. Jackson:
[sarcastic] No!

Gen. O'Neill:
Oh, yes! The Golds don't make for good mash. Consistency's all wrong.

Lt. Col. Carter:
I hear the new Russian Colonel came to see you, made a pitch to join SG-1.

Gen. O'Neill:
Yeah.

Dr. Jackson:
What'd you say?

Gen. O'Neill:
Told 'em to make french fries instead.

[Col. Vaselov, a Russian recruit for the SGC, is insulted when O'Neill denies his request to join SG-1]

Dr. Jackson:
Yeah, don't take General O'Neill's decision personally.

Col. Vaselov:
Frankly, his attitude is offensive. It leads me to wonder if he knows the cold war is over.

Dr. Jackson:
His attitude has nothing to do with you being Russian. He's an equal opportunity offender.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Did you notice anything peculiar about him, sir?

Gen. O'Neill:
I thought it odd he was shooting up the Gate room.

Teal'c:
And your condition?

Col. Vaselov:
Not so good. But not so bad as the time I went drinking with Gen. Daskaivitch in Novgorod. That was worse headache.

Dr. Jackson:
Who shot me?!

[O'Neill exchanges very uncomfortable looks with Carter and Teal'c]

Gen. O'Neill:
You were shooting up the Gate room...

Gen. O'Neill:
You're not supposed to be walking around.

Dr. Jackson:
It's my arm.

Gen. O'Neill:
You were shot.

Dr. Jackson:
Yeah. You shot me.

Gen. O'Neill:
Not my point.

Col. Vaselov:
Are you being discharged?

Dr. Jackson:
Yeah, Dr. Brightman caught me stealing jello from the other patients' trays, so she kicked me outta here.

Gen. O'Neill:
He can pass through walls, Carter. He's welcome to leave any time.

[O'Neill has collapsed at the foot of the Gate's ramp]

Gen. O'Neill:
I'm okay! ...ish.

Gen. O'Neill:
WALTER!

Sgt. Harriman:
Sorry, sir. General O'Neill, Mark Gilmore. He's your new administrative aide.

Gilmore:
General.

Gen. O'Neill:
Did I order one of this--

Sgt. Harriman:
[answers quickly before the question is finished] No, sir.

Gen. O'Neill:
Do I really need--

Sgt. Harriman:
Yes, sir.

Gilmore:
[regarding Jack] Well, he's not like other generals.

Sgt. Harriman:
Actually, he's not like other people.

Lt. Col. Carter:
General.

Gen. O'Neill:
Colonel! We've all met.

Dr. Jackson:
Yes, actually, we know each other's life stories.

Gen. O'Neill:
That snippiness?

Dr. Jackson:
Is that a word?

[Regarding the alien plant that's taken over a lab]

Dr. Lee:
Well, the good news is, it hasn't eaten anybody yet.

Gen. O'Neill:
[sarcastically] Well, thank you, Seymour.

Ba'al:
You have one day

Gen. O'Neill:
Is that like one earth day, or...?

Ba'al:
You dare mock me?

Gen. O'Neill:
Ba'al, come on! You should know. Of course I dare mock you.

Ba'al:
You have one more day. [Ba'al's hologram disappears]

Gilmore:
Is it really wise to provoke him?

Gen. O'Neill:
It's what I do.

Dr. Lee:
Gamma radiation seems to work. We're preparing a method of delivering a strong enough level to the entire base all at once. Now, non-essential personnels are gonna have to be evacuated, everyone else's gonna have to wear protective suits. You have to get General O'Neill to sign off on this right away.

Gilmore:
You know he hasn't slept in over two days.

Dr. Lee:
Yeah, that's why I'm asking you to do it.

Gilmore:
Right.

Gen. O'Neill:
When you couldn't figure out what the Ancient device was for, you tampered with the power source so nobody else could.

Camulus:
I did nothing of the kind.

Gen. O'Neill:
Cammy...

Camulus:
...Worth a try.

[Jackson has requested to go back to a planet with an unstable political situation]

Gen. O'Neill:
Regular contact, no exceptions. The second things start gettin' a little squirrelly-

Dr. Jackson:
[walking away] Thank you.

Gen. O'Neill:
Daniel! Squirrelly!

Dr. Lee:
Well, I mean, we can input the parameters for different scenarios, but the vast majority of the simulation array comes from the mind of the user. The programming is actually built by interfacing memories from the individual's consciousness with the chair's matrix.

Gen. O'Neill:
Carter, all I heard was "matrix" and I found those films quite confusing.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Sir, you may have done it again.

Gen. O'Neill:
Yes. How did I do it this time?

Dr. Carmichael:
Which would mean that there's a good chance that the second player could be trapped along with Teal'c.

O'Neill, Jackson, and Carter:
[in unison] I'll do it.

Gen. O'Neill:
How was it? Was it any fun?

Teal'c:
Indeed. You died well in battle, O'Neill.

Gen. O'Neill:
Obviously, there's something defective with this thing.

[after the failsafe doesn't work]

Gen. O'Neill:
I thought a failsafe was meant to be somewhat safe from failure.

[Teal'c has just prevented three hooligans from beating someone they just rear-ended in a traffic accident caused by the thug]

Teal'c:
This is unlawful behaviour.

Thug:
Who the hell are you?

Teal'c:
Collision procedure dictates that you exchange insurance information and if necessary notify the police.

Thug:
What?!

[The thug attacks Teal'c, who then proceeds to single-handedly defeat all three assailants]

Teal'c:
I believe it will now be necessary to notify the police.

Dr. Jackson:
[admiring Teal'c's apartment] Wow! I like what you're doing with the place. Sort of…Jaffa chic with an East African flair.

Dr. Jackson:
How's the fern? [Teal'c gestures to a very sad, withered fern on a shelf] I don't suppose you've tried talking to it, have you?

Teal'c:
[Looking concerned] I have not.

Lt. Col. Carter:
[ranting to Daniel and Teal'c] They make you afraid of being alone but at the same time tell you not to settle for anything less than the perfect romantic ideal, like that actually exists anywhere in the real world. Either way, you can't win.

Dr. Jackson:
[to Sam, innocently] How's things?

Lt. Col. Carter:
Good. We were talking about Teal'c's friend, right?

Dr. Jackson:
I thought we were.

Teal'c:
On Chulak, a dispute between a man and a woman that cannot be resolved necessitates a pledge break. It must be requested by one and granted by the other.

Dr. Jackson:
And if that doesn't work?

Teal'c:
A weapon is required.

Gen. O'Neill:
[to Carter] I never thought I'd hear myself utter these words: I need that report.

Gen. O'Neill:
[to Carter] You haven't tried to confuse me with any scientific babble for the last couple of days and that's a red flag to me.

Alec Colson:
Two o'clock, we go live. With the pictures, pieces of the alien ship, everything we've got.

Vogler:
Alec! They tried to kill us!

Alec Colson:
You think that didn't work in our favor?

Vogler:
Dying doesn't work in our favor!

[As O'Neill and Jackson walk down the hall, Jackson finishes up a long, involved explanation of Jaffa-Goa'uld politics. O'Neill has a blank look on his face]

Gen. O'Neill:
What was my question again?

Dr. Jackson:
Um, "how's it going?"

Gen. O'Neill:
[absently] Seemed so innocuous at the time.

[Teal'c and Bra'tac have returned through the Stargate]

Gen. O'Neill:
So, how was the trip?

Teal'c:
[walking away] I have been betrayed by those I trusted most.

Gen. O'Neill:
That good, huh?

Bra'tac:
His mood is foul indeed.

Jack O'Neill:
They want a what?

Sam Carter:
A goat, sir.

Jack O'Neill:
You can tell them that lamb is far less gamy.

Sam Carter:
They want it for a ritual sacrifice.

Jack O'Neill:
Yeah, well you can tell them that's not going to happen.

Sam Carter:
Yeah, I was hoping you were going to say that.

Jack O'Neill:
They can have a piñata. That's always fun.

Gen. O'Neill:
Look, T, I'm not gonna tell you how to raise your kid, but I've always found that sticking your fingers in your ears and humming loudly solves a whole slew of problems.

[Dr. Jackson is attempting to calm the outraged Jaffa when Bra'tac and O'Neill enter]

Bra'tac:
Silence!

Gen. O'Neill:
Thank you. Now, Daniel, what's going on here?

[The Jaffa resume their shouting]

Bra'tac:
Silence!

Gen. O'Neill:
I said, "Daniel".

Bra'tac:
[to the newly married Rya'c and Ka'ryn] May you love and fight like warriors. Just not with each other.

Bra'tac:
[after Ka'ryn and Ry'ac abruptly end their wedding rehearsal] I can see why one must rehearse these ceremonies... [he quaffs the ceremonial wine from the rehearsal]

Dr. Jackson:
They'll never see it coming.

Gen. O'Neill:
Which is one of the advantages of a totally insane idea.

Dr. Jackson:
[innocently] Yeah, where'd I learn that from?

Dr. Jackson:
Wait, you mean the Asgard took our gate?

Gen. O'Neill:
Yeah, normally they ask nicely before they ignore us and do whatever they damn well want.

Dr. Jackson:
[staring down at the gate-less gate room] Man, I'd hate to be the one that has to explain that to the President.

[O'Neill, standing next to him, turns and glares]

RepliCarter:
My name is Samantha Carter.

Gen. O'Neill:
All right, we've got a little conflict with that statement. We've already got one here.

RepliCarter:
There are two of us.

Gen. O'Neill:
[to himself] If only.

RepliCarter:
You have untapped greatness inside you, Sam, but you're limited by your own fears. You play by the rules, you do as you're told and you deny yourself your own desires.

Lt. Col. Carter:
I have no desire to rule the galaxy, believe me.

RepliCarter:
All humans desire power. It's just that most of them are never in a position to attain it.

Dr. Jackson:
Come on, Jack!

Gen. O'Neill:
Still no, Daniel.

Dr. Jackson:
But it doesn't have to be on a permanent basis!

Gen. O'Neill:
I didn't let you go in the first place. What makes you think I'm gonna change my mind?

Dr. Jackson:
Because.

Gen. O'Neill:
Can you try to do better than that?

Dr. Jackson:
Because they're going to need somebody who can translate Ancient. I'm the most qualified person left on the planet for the mission.

Gen. O'Neill:
Which is exactly why you're gonna stay right here.

Dr. Jackson:
[desperately] Because I'll quit!

Gen. O'Neill:
Why don't you just hold your breath? You haven't done that in a while.

[Jack and Daniel are arguing over Daniel going to Atlantis and find General Hammond in Jack's chair in his office.]

Gen. O'Neill:
General!

Gen. Hammond:
Jack. I let myself in, hope you don't mind.

Gen. O'Neill:
Absolutely not! Welcome.

Gen. Hammond:
Thank you.

Gen. O'Neill:
Miss the chair?

Gen. Hammond:
Actually I do.

Gen. O'Neill:
Want it back?

Gen. Hammond:
As a matter of fact I do. My new one just isn't the same.

Gen. O'Neill:
That's not exactly what I meant...

Gen. Hammond:
Doctor Jackson. Nice to see you again.

Daniel:
Likewise. We miss you around here, sir. [Jack gives him an angry stare] So, to what do we owe this pleasure?

Gen. Hammond:
I came to see if you were interested in joining the mission to Atlantis.

Gen. O'Neill & Daniel:
You did?

Gen. Hammond:
He's the most qualified person on this planet, and the mission commander needs someone who can translate Ancient.

Daniel:
Really?

Gen. O'Neill:
With all due respect, sir, I think you should tell the mission commander that I need Daniel right here.

Gen. Hammond:
You just did.

Gen. O'Neill:
I did. I did? [pauses] You, sir?

Gen. Hammond:
Yes. Request denied. Doctor Jackson, you're with me. I'll have this chair shipped to Washington. You can requisition a new one.

Gen. O'Neill:
I'll do that, sir.

Gen. Hammond:
We leave tomorrow. Oh, and I'll be taking Walter, too.

[Hammond leaves, while O'Neill wears the expression of one who has no idea what just happened]

[A Kull warrior has taken over the Prometheus, and has Jackson tied to the captain's chair.]

Dr. Jackson:
Where's everybody else?

Kull Warrior:
I transported them onto the al'kesh.

Dr. Jackson:
Well, you kept the wrong guy, 'cause I don't know anything about the ship.

Kull Warrior:
But you are very attractive.

Dr. Jackson:
[coughs in shock] What?

[The warrior moves in front of Daniel and straddles his legs]

Dr. Jackson:
[trying to squirm away] Hey, you know, big guy, I'm flattered, really I am, it's just that, uh, you're not my type. And I'm more than a little disturbed that I might be yours.

Vala:
[in pain] Oh, oh, oh, you hit me!

Dr. Jackson:
You hit me.

Vala:
Yeah, you know, we could just have sex instead.

[Vala wakes up in the Prometheus holding cell, dressed in SGC fatigues instead of her zat-resistant bodysuit]

Vala:
Did you have fun taking off my clothes?

Dr. Jackson:
It was your idea.

Vala:
No, I meant while I was conscious. You know, so I could distract you and kick you in the head.

Vala:
Come on, you've seen me naked. The least you could do is cook me dinner.

Dr. Jackson:
Uh, the name's Olo. Hans Olo.

Maybourne:
I get to name all kinds of stuff. You should see the Grateful Dead Burial Ground.

Maybourne:
I guess congratulations are in order. You made general.

Gen. O'Neill:
You made king!

[The team fetches O'Neill to operate the Ancient time ship. He sits down and looks around.]

Gen. O'Neill:
You're gonna have to help me out here, Carter. Got any quarters?

Garan:
Surrender your weapons, or die where you stand!

Gen. O'Neill:
Oh, if I had a nickel...

[A tense standoff with the local inhabitants has just been defused.]

Gen. O'Neill:
God, I miss goin' off world!

[Teal'c and Daniel have been captured by Trelak, the First Prime of Ares.]

Trelak:
Know this, shol'va; I will see to it that you suffer slowly.

Teal'c:
And I will see to it that you die quickly.

[Later, Teal'c fights Trelak and ends it by sticking a dagger in his gut.]

Trelak:
[last breath] You are a man of your word.

Teal'c:
Indeed. [shoves the knife in deeper and walks away before Trelak even hits the ground]

[Kinsey offers O'Neill his help]

Gen. O'Neill:
I'm sorry. I must have missed an episode.

Gen. O'Neill:
Five bucks says Carter has a theory.

Lt. Col. Carter:
So, any big plans for the weekend?

Gen. O'Neill:
Oh yeah, big. Huge!

Lt. Col. Carter:
Yeah, me neither.

Gen. O'Neill:
Oh, what are you talkin' about? I just walked in with a whole handful of ingredients for my world-famous omelettes.

Lt. Col. Carter:
World-famous, huh? What's in it?

Gen. O'Neill:
Eggs.

Lt. Col. Carter:
I don't think that that actually qualifies as a recipe.

Gen. O'Neill:
Oh, don't kid yourself. There's a secret ingredient. I can't tell you what it is, or I'd have to shoot you.

Lt. Col. Carter:
It's beer, isn't it?

Gordie:
Furlings. They sound cute, like Ewoks.

Gordie:
[reading a letter] See, I'm not sure you should have sent in this one about Seth. It wasn't one of your best.

Bert:
[reading another letter] They rejected "Hathor"?! Oh, but it was gold!

Gen O'Neill:
Look, I can see this isn't really your forte... so why don't you just put the gun down, before you get hurt.

Joe Spencer:
Just don't come any closer!

Gen O'Neill:
I know your gun isn't real... however... mine is! [he draws his gun and points it at Joe]

Joe Spencer:
Oh God! I'm sorry I'm sorry you're right it's just a toy!

Joe Spencer:
Between you and me, I totally see the analogy. Burns as Goa'uld.

Gen. O'Neill:
Thank you!

Dr. Jackson:
Jack?

Gen. O'Neill:
He's a barber.

Dr. Jackson:
Broke into your house?

Gen. O'Neill:
Yeah...

Dr. Jackson:
Second week in a row.

Gen. O'Neill:
Mm-hmm.

Dr. Jackson:
Alarm.

Gen. O'Neill:
I'm thinking "dog".

Joe Spencer:
You could try locking your front door.

Joe Spencer:
[to Teal'c] I know the hair makes you look different, but didn't you used to be more gold colored?

Lt. Col. Carter:
If General O'Neill had a stone as well shouldn't he've been able to see aspects of his life?

Dr. Jackson:
Theoretically, yes he should.

[we see flashes of Joe at a bowling alley. He rolls a strike]

Gen. O'Neill:
...Thursday nights... Bowling League...

Joe Spencer:
You saw that?

Gen. O'Neill:
You've got game son.

Dr. Jackson:
Wait a minute. Jack, you've been seeing parts of the life of a barber in Indiana for seven years, and you never mentioned it?

Gen. O'Neill:
Yeah, sure I did. I know I did.

Lt. Col. Carter:
No, no, you didn't, sir.

Gen. O'Neill:
I didn't?

Dr. Jackson:
You didn't find it the least bit odd?

Gen. O'Neill:
Actually no. I found it quite relaxing.

Oshu:
Lord Ba'al was wise to send a representative.

Yu:
I would have killed him with my own hands!

Dr. Jackson:
The odds aren't exactly in our favor.

Teal'c:
They never are, Daniel Jackson.

Gen. O'Neill:
Jacob!

Jacob:
Jack, we've got a problem. We need to talk.

Gen. O'Neill:
Hi! Hello. How are ya? Long time, no see. What's doing? What's up? Hey, buddy!

Jacob:
I'm sorry, Jack. It's good to see you again. Congratulations on your promotion.

Gen. O'Neill:
Thanks.

Jacob:
You deserve it.

Gen. O'Neill:
Yes. Well... What's up?

Jacob:
The Replicators. They've launched an all out attack on the Goa'uld. If the Goa'uld can't find a way to stop them, the Replicators will easily overrun our galaxy, in a matter of weeks.

Gen. O'Neill:
Why didn't you say so?

[Jacob gives O'Neill a look and walks off]

Gen. O'Neill:
[after a pause, hurrying after Jacob] I'm sorry. You said we have a problem, not a big galactic emergency.

Gen. O'Neill:
[holding up a Tok'ra receiver used to track down Goa'uld fleet] You know, we could have used something like this a long time ago.

Jacob:
The High Council never thought they could trust you with it.

Gen. O'Neill:
What changed their mind?

Jacob:
Nothing. They don't know I took it.

Gen. O'Neill:
Ah.

Jacob:
My relationship with the council is still a little strained.

Gen. O'Neill:
It's not going to get any better if you keep stealing stuff.

[Jacob gives O'Neill a look]

Gen. O'Neill:
No complaints! I'll take anything I can get: Weapons, receivers, silverware...

[About Thor]

Gen. O'Neill:
Don't be afraid to remind him that we've saved his cute little grey bum several times.

Gen. O'Neill:
[smugly] My, this is an occasion. You know that bitter taste in your throat? It's kind of wrapped around your uvula? That's what's left of your pride.

Walter:
Sir we are reciving a message from Thor. He said he is ready to transport...

[Sam is beamed out]

Jack:
You were saying?

Walter:
Never mind

Gen. O'Neill:
I've got a better idea, instead of helping you, why don't we sit around and watch you get your ass kicked? [grinning] That way you'll be dead, and we'll be glad.

Ba'al:
You cannot be serious.

Gen. O'Neill:
Yes, I can. I just choose not to, some of the time.

Ba'al:
With your insolence you're dooming not just your world but all of humanity.

Gen. O'Neill:
I think big.

[Harriman and Siler are in the gate room, standing at the bottom of the ramp, on which stands a hologram of an obviously-impatient Ba'al]

Sgt. Harriman:
I'm sure he'll be here any second now. [awkward pause] So umm…

Gen. O'Neill:
I am so sorry. I was just finishing up a lovely brunch.

Ba'al:
Impudence.

Gen. O'Neill:
No, tuna.

Gen. O'Neill:
Oh, please don't tell me.

Ba'al:
Anubis.

Gen. O'Neill:
I asked you not to tell me.

[RepliCarter is probing Daniel's mind]

RepliCarter:
It would be much easier on both of us if you did not resist.

Dr. Jackson:
Why, why, why, why, in the wide world of all things rational and sane, would I help you?

RepliCarter:
Do you really think that I am that different from Samantha Carter?

Dr. Jackson:
In that you're a replicator bent on galactic domination at the expense of all living things.

Jacob:
Come on, Sam. It can't be any harder than blowing up a sun.

Lt. Col. Carter:
You know, you blow up one sun and suddenly everyone expects you to walk on water.

[What they are attempting suddenly works.]

Lt. Col. Carter:
Next up, parting the Red Sea!

Lt. Col. Carter:
Well, we have no idea how this Ancient device works or what the effects will be, but since Anubis has no real corporeal form it's likely he would survive it.

Jacob:
He'll have no one left to rule.

Lt. Col. Carter:
For now. Time may not even be an issue for someone like him. He could essentially start over, re-populate the galaxy to his own specifications.

Gen. O'Neill:
A little ambitious.

RepliCarter:
I could help you. We could unlock the knowledge of the Ancients, the secrets of the Universe, together.

Dr. Jackson:
I have to admit it does sound interesting... On the other hand you're an evil killing machine so no, pass.

[Replicator Carter has been trying to tap into Dr. Jackson's subconscious]

Dr. Jackson:
You can't handle it, can you?

RepliCarter:
I can. I just need time to process...share it with the others...

Dr. Jackson:
Like the universe, it's infinite. It's not just knowledge and information; it's understanding on a level that you will never reach.

RepliCarter:
Why do you think that?

Dr. Jackson:
Because you're a machine.

RepliCarter:
So are you; just of weaker construction.

Dr. Jackson:
And that's where you're wrong.

[Discovering that Jackson has been probing her mind, RepliCarter tries to disengage. Jackson catches her hand.]

Dr. Jackson:
Trying to leave? Sorry. A little more time in Danny's world.

RepliCarter:
[angrily] My brethren will not stop. You cannot control them.

Dr. Jackson:
Not yet, but I'm learning.

[Col. Reynolds has just attached a C-4 charge to a blast door]

Gen. O'Neill:
Use two of those things.

Col. Reynolds:
Sir?

Gen. O'Neill:
[using quotation fingers] It's a "blast" door!

[After setting off C4 to destroy a blast door trapping Siler and five other men]

Gen. O'Neill:
Siler?

Sgt. Siler:
Thank you, sir.

Gen. O'Neill:
I expect to be put in your will.

Sgt. Siler:
Already in it, sir.

Gen. O'Neill:
Okay, that's… weird.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Oh, I heard from Thor.

Gen. O'Neill:
How's he doing?

Lt. Col. Carter:
Great. He sends us all his congratulations and says that he'll drop by for a visit as soon as his consciousness has been downloaded from the ship's computer into a new body.

Gen. O'Neill:
That just never gets old, does it?

[Jackson has been missing for a week, and Carter thinks he ought to be declared MIA. O'Neill refuses.]

Gen. O'Neill:
All we know for sure is that he's missing.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Sooner or later --

Gen. O'Neill:
Forget it! I'm not fallin' for it this time.

Lt. Col. Carter:
"Falling for it"?

Gen. O'Neill:
Yeah! How many times have you thought he was gone, and then he shows up, in one form or another? I'm sorry, but we're not having a memorial service for someone who is not dead. [to the room] You hear that? I'm not buyin' it!

[They look around the empty room. Carter is exasperated]

Gen. O'Neill:
What? He's just waitin' for us to say a bunch of nice things about him. Next thing you know, he'll come waltzin' through that door, [gestures at the closed door] like, right now.

[O'Neill and Carter both look at the door, O'Neill hopefully and Carter skeptically.]

Gen. O'Neill:
Waltzing… now.

[Nothing happens.]

Lt. Col. Carter:
Dad, this is Pete.

Pete:
[shocked] Dad?

Jacob:
Not quite yet. You have to actually marry my daughter before you can call me that.

Pete:
You really got one of those things in your head?

Jacob:
If by one of those things, you mean a 2000 year old Tok'ra symbiote, yes.

Pete:
Seriously. Come on. That has got to freak you right out sometimes. It's weird.

[Pete grins at Jacob. Jacob gives Sam a questioning look, she looks awkward in response]

[In an Ascended-plane "waffle house", "waitress" Oma chats with Daniel.]

Dr. Jackson:
Menus?

Oma Desala:
We don't need them here; just order what you'd like.

Dr. Jackson:
Okay. I'll have the truth with a side-order of clarity, please.

Oma Desala:
The replicator version of Sam was in your head, trying to access the knowledge buried in your subconscious, but you gained control of her instead. She killed you to stop you. That's where I stepped in. How's that?

Dr. Jackson:
Pretty clear.

Oma Desala:
Well, we aim to please! Customer comes first, you know!

Lt. Col. Carter:
It's been two hours since Pete left. You haven't said a word.

Jacob:
I did so.

Lt. Col. Carter:
"He seems nice?"

Jacob:
I believe that's three words.

Gen. O'Neill:
So, we're all in agreement. One way or another, it's gotta go. Correct?

Teal'c:
Indeed

Gen. O'Neill:
Thank you

Bra'tac:
If you are suggesting we destroy this device against the wishes of the High Council, I must point out that would not be a good first step in relations between the Tau'ri and the newly formed Free Jaffa Nation.

Gen. O'Neill:
[to Jacob] Why don't you do it? They already hate the Tok'ra.

Jim:
What do I have to do to get a coffee around here?

Oma Desala:
[sharply] Find true enlightenment.

Dr. Jackson:
Can you tell me why you stopped me from killing Anubis the last time I was Ascended?

Oma Desala:
Because if I didn't stop you, the others would have, and they wouldn't have been as nice about it.

Dr. Jackson:
You mean, they wouldn't have erased my memory and left me naked on a planet?

Oma Desala:
That was your choice.

[He gives her a look. She grins.]

Oma Desala:
Okay. Maybe not the naked part.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Thank you, sir.

Gen. O'Neill:
For what?

Lt. Col. Carter:
For being here for me.

Gen. O'Neill:
Always.

[Jackson, alive and well, suddenly appears in O'Neill's office, stark naked.]

Dr. Jackson:
It's, uh, a long story.

[SG-1 is fishing at O'Neill's cabin]

Lt. Col. Carter:
This is great.

Gen. O'Neill:
I told you.

Lt. Col. Carter:
I can't believe we didn't do this years ago.

Gen. O'Neill:
Well, lets not dwell.

Lt. Col. Carter:
...There are no fish in this pond, are there?

Gen. O'Neill:
Nope.

[Workers are delivering stacks of boxes to Jackson's lab, much to his surprise]

Dr. Jackson:
Jack?

Gen. O'Neill:
Daniel.

Dr. Jackson:
What's goin' on?

Gen. O'Neill:
[as he receives a clipboard from Siler] You been shoppin' online lately?

Dr. Jackson:
What are you talkin' about?

Gen. O'Neill:
[as he hands clipboard to Daniel] Well, you've got a little delivery here.

Dr. Jackson:
[looks at clipboard] It's from Catherine's estate.

Gen. O'Neill:
Yeah - kinda looks like she sent the whole thing.

Dr. Jackson:
[as he enters his office] Holy ... buckets! Looks like her entire collection!

Gen. O'Neill:
[pats Daniel on the shoulder] I prefer stamps.

[Dr. Balinsky is enthusiastically showing rocks to a clearly bored O'Neill.]

Dr. Balinsky:
Now, in addition, we discovered several grains of troilite and a mesostasis phase which contained micrometer crystals.

Gen. O'Neill:
Hmm.

Dr. Balinsky:
Now it's undergoing further testing, but we hope to have the results on your desk first thing tomorrow morning.

Gen. O'Neill:
[sarcastic] Don't you keep me waiting!

Dr. Balinsky:
[missing the sarcasm] No, sir! Now here's where things get really interesting, because you will notice in this fissure-

[Dr. Jackson runs into the room]

Dr. Jackson:
Jack! We need-we need to talk. Oh, sorry for interrupting.

Gen. O'Neill:
[desperately grabbing Jackson's arm] No, it's okay! If it's important, you must interrupt. You must!

Dr. Jackson:
We don't know where it is now. But we do know where it was... Giza, 3000 B.C.

Lt. Col. Carter:
[shaking her head] You can't be serious.

Gen. O'Neill:
What?

Dr. Jackson:
It's the only way.

Gen. O'Neill:
What?

Lt. Col. Carter:
No, we agreed

Gen. O'Neill:
If I have to say "what" one more time, heads are gonna roll!

Dr. Jackson:
We have a time machine. We can go back and get the ZPM.

Gen. O'Neill:
She wouldn't let me go back and watch the Cubs win the World Series.

[After arriving in Ancient Egypt c. 3000 B.C.]

Dr. Jackson:
[excitedly] I can't believe I'm finally gonna prove that the Great Pyramids predate the 4th dynasty.

Lt. Col. Carter:
So, what are you gonna do? Stand in the picture holding a newspaper with today's date?

Lt. Col. Carter:
I'm sorry, I keep thinking I'm gonna step on a bug and change the future.

[Teal'c has disguised himself as one of Ra's Jaffa in order to steal the ZPM from Ra's treasure room]

Gen. O'Neill:
Do you really think they're just going to let him waltz in and take it?

Dr. Jackson:
Like I said, they don't even know what a ZPM is. To them it's like any number of dozens of ritualistic objects they pull out for any number of occasions. Besides, he's wearing the shiny suit.

[In an alternate time line, Carter is practicing what she wants to say to her male boss.]

Alt. Dr. Carter:
Just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't- God that's horrible! Who would ever say that?

[In an alternate time line, Daniel Jackson teaches English as a second language.]

Alt. Dr. Jackson:
Okay, uh, let's start with a simple greeting. Often the best way to begin interacting with someone is to find a topic of common interest. Everyone can relate to the weather, so let's start with that, shall we? Introduce yourself... and talk about the weather.

[A student raises his hand.]

Alt. Dr. Jackson:
[pointing at the student] Yes.

Carlos:
[standing up] Hello, my name is Carlos. You make me so hot.

[pause]

Alt. Dr. Jackson:
[smiling uncomfortably] Okay, uh, not quite right, but the introduction part was good.

Alt. Gen. Hammond:
Okay, people. Let me remind you. This mission is recon only. Do not engage the enemy. I'm allowing the use of this ship because of the obvious tactical advantage it provides you. Under no circumstances is it to be used to travel through time. (beat) Never in my life did I imagine ever giving that order.

Alt. Dr. Jackson:
Wait a minute. I thought the reason we brought the ship was so we didn't have to walk.

Alt. Dr. Carter:
We can't just fly into an alien city. The mission is stealth recon. Meaning undetected.

Alt. Col. O'Neill:
Meaning shut up.

[In the alternate time line, Daniel Jackson is brought before Apophis.]

Alt. Teal'c:
He claims he is of the Tau'ri.

Alt. Dr. Jackson:
[to Teal'c] You weren't supposed to tell him that.

Alt. Apophis:
The Tau'ri have no Chappa'ai.

Alt. Dr. Jackson:
Oh, sorry, guess I was wrong. I'm sure your information is correct. In fact, I'm usually quite wrong-quite unreliable, actually. To be honest with you, I'm insane.

Alt. Apophis:
Speak!

Alt. Apophis:
I think there is much you can tell me.

Alt. Dr. Jackson:
Well, if you wanna know about the early settlers of Mesopotamia, I am somewhat of an expert-

Alt. Col. O'Neill:
[hands a gun to Dr. Jackson] Safety off, point and shoot.

[Jackson points gun towards O'Neill]

Alt. Col. O'Neill:
[pushes gun away] Not at me.

Alt. Dr. Carter:
[grimacing as she's being handed a gun] I don't really like guns.

Alt. Col. O'Neill:
[sarcastically] Neither do I. How do you feel about explosives?

Alt. Dr. Carter:
[brightening] Those I like a little better.

[Versions of Jack O'Neill, Samantha Carter and Teal'c have traveled back in time to Egypt in the year 2995 B.C., where they meet the Daniel Jackson of the original timeline]

Dr. Jackson:
Well, this can't be a good sign.

Alt. Col. O'Neill:
Why's that?

Dr. Jackson:
Where am I?

Alt. Col. O'Neill:
Ancient Egypt?

Dr. Jackson:
No, I mean the me from your time line.

Alt. Teal'c:
I killed you.

Dr. Jackson:
Why?

Alt. Teal'c:
You were a Goa'uld spy.

Dr. Jackson:
A good reason.

Alt. Dr. Carter:
It was horrible!

Dr. Jackson:
Yeah, I'm sure. Why are you here?

Alt. Col. O'Neill:
Yes, excellent question.

Dr. Jackson:
You don't know?

Alt. Col. O'Neill:
Well, I thought I did, there, for a while, and then I realized I... didn't.

Dr. Jackson:
Well, I know why I'm here.

Alt. Col. O'Neill:
Good. Let's start there.

[Testing to see if the cloak works]

Alt. Col. O'Neill:
So what do I do?

Alt. Dr. Carter:
Umm, try thinking invisible.

Alt. Col. O'Neill:
Okay. [pause] How do we know if it's working?

Alt. Dr. Carter:
[walked outside the ship] Nope.

Alt. Dr. Carter:
I'm working on it. I think the power relay was overloaded. I may be able to reroute the circuit to the control interface… [realizes O'Neill is staring at her] What?

Alt. Col. O'Neill:
It's just a little weird hearin' that kind of stuff come out of someone so…

Alt. Dr. Carter:
[a little defensively] So what?

Alt. Col. O'Neill:
Hot.

Alt. Dr. Carter:
[coughs in surprise] Really?

Alt. Col. O'Neill:
Yeah.

Alt. Dr. Carter:
Wow. Uh, it's just you… you're not the kind of guy that I usually attract.

Alt. Col. O'Neill:
No?

Alt. Dr. Carter:
No. Huh. God. Wow! This is kinda awkward.

Alt. Col. O'Neill:
Yeah, it's gettin' there.

Alt. Dr. Carter:
I'm kind of attracted to… Daniel.

Alt. Col. O'Neill:
What? [pause] Really?

Alt. Dr. Carter:
Sorry.

Alt. Col. O'Neill:
No, that's okay, no problem there. It's just, you know… First impressions, I kinda thought he was… [tries unsuccessful hand-gestures] Never mind.

Alt. Dr. Carter:
Look, if we don't make it? [grabs O'Neill and kisses him firmly]

Alt. Col. O'Neill:
Wait a minute. You said you liked Daniel!

Alt. Dr. Carter:
I lied. I just wanted to get to know you better. You see, usually I'm a very cautious person and I tend to think things-

[O'Neill silences her with a kiss]

[The restored SG-1 is at O'Neill's cabin, fishing. The scene is exactly as it was at the end of 8.18, 'Threads']

Lt. Col. Carter:
This is great.

Gen. O'Neill:
I told you.

Lt. Col. Carter:
I can't believe we didn't do this years ago.

Gen. O'Neill:
Well, lets not dwell.

[A fish jumps in the pond]

Lt. Col. Carter:
...Didn't that tape say there were no fish in your pond?

Gen. O'Neill:
Close enough.