Starsky & Hutch

Starsky:
You still seeing whatshername?

Hutch:
Sure. Still seeing whatshername. Took her to the whatchamacallit. Gave her my thingamajig.

Starsky:
I didn't know it was that serious.

Starsky:
Okay, Rollie, who was supposed to kill me?

Fat Rolly:
I don't know, Starsk. On my mother's life I don't know.

Starsky:
You don't have a mother. You were found in a garbage can behind Weight Watchers.

Hutch:
There's something you oughtta know about Starsky and me. We're not like most partners. Y'know, usually there's the one guy who's kinda folksy. Kind that wants the best for everybody. The Pat O'Brien kind of guy. And then there's the other guy, the rough 'em up, hardnosed kind of guy. Well, that doesn't work for Starsky and me. See, we're both hardnosed, Rollie. And we don't like it when people don't give us everything we want.

Starsky:
Who are we supposed to report this too? I mean, who in the Hell are we supposed to trust?

Hutch:
The same people we always trust. Us.

Cannell:
I hope we get back to the place by one o'clock.

Zane:
Why one o'clock?

Cannell:
There's a picture on the tube I didn't see the end of. Red River. John Wayne.

Zane:
You never saw the end of it?

Cannell:
No. Uh-uh - don't tell me.

Zane:
Oh, what's to tell? He wins. He always wins.

Starsky:
Does your mommy know you use language like this?

Starsky:
Everybody says the same thing, these two guys could never miss. I say they never miss unless they're told to.

Starsky:
Alright, let's check.

Hutch:
Shells?

Starsky:
Shells.

Hutch:
Your Beretta?

Starsky:
My Beretta. Your 38?

Hutch:
My 38. Flares?

Starsky:
Six flares.

Hutch:
Tear gas grenades?

Starsky:
Tear gas grenades, 1, 2, 3, 4.

Hutch:
Shotgun?

Starsky:
Shotgun, racked and loaded.

Hutch:
Two radios?

Starsky:
Two radios with fresh batteries, it's alright?

Hutch:
It's alright. Flashlight?

Starsky:
One flashlight.

Hutch:
And the book.

Starsky:
And the book.

Hutch:
OK, let's get outta here.

Capt. Harold Dobey:
Starsky, about this report, it reads like a comic book! 'The fiery red Torino fishtails to a halt. Me and Hutch spill out onto the street ready for action.'

Hutch:
You're worried.

Starsky:
Yeah.

Hutch:
Relax.

Starsky:
I'd rather worry.

Hutch:
Me, too. So, who do we trust, huh?

Starsky:
Like always, me and thee.

Huggy Bear:
They asked what the name was of the biggest money making horse in history.

Hutch:
What'd you say?

Huggy Bear:
...Marie Antoinette.

Hutch:
You said Marie Antoinette was the biggest money making horse in history?

Huggy Bear:
I guess it didn't sound to me like they said 'horse'.

Starsky:
You sold me a HOT $360 watch?

Huggy Bear:
It was cold when I touched it.

Hutch:
You came on a little strong for a phony. You think Mello's daughter would have been that way?

Joanne Mello:
Partly that. Partly I was just scared. You two could have been a couple of stumblebums. How was I to know you were just a little short of perfect?

Starsky:
[about the gunmen] What're they doing?

Hutch:
Oh, talking.

Starsky:
What about?

Hutch:
The weather.

Hutch:
[In response to Starsky's badgering him to buy a new car] You just want me to drive around in a striped tomato like you got.

Starsky:
[Stunned] My car's a striped what?

Huggy Bear:
You know what they say: "Huggy Bear's is where the elite meet and come to greet and eat and flee the feet who are so sweet with the finer things of life, beep-beep, beep-beep, beep."

Officer Bernie Glassman:
[Bernie and Starsky have found Hutch and have discovered he's addicted to heroin] I've got to make a report!

Starsky:
No! No report. This didn't happen, Bernie. Understand? This didn't happen.

Huggy Bear:
And one more thing... When you see Hutch, you tell him that he owes me one good waitress.

Capt. Harold Dobey:
[sees Starsky walking past his office with a candy bar in his mouth] Starsky!

Starsky:
[muffled from the candy bar] Mornin', Cap'n.

Capt. Harold Dobey:
[angrily] Get in here! It's the middle of the afternoon! Where's that partner of yours?

Starsky:
It's his day off, Captain.

Capt. Harold Dobey:
His day off ended this morning. Now suppose you stop covering for him, get your tail on the horn, and tell him I said get his rear end in here!

Starsky:
The truth is, Captain, he's sick.

Capt. Harold Dobey:
He ain't called in sick!

Starsky:
Well, you know how it is, he's in love.

Capt. Harold Dobey:
What you mean is he's shacked up.

Starsky:
Yeah, well, uh... she is a pretty girl, Captain.

Capt. Harold Dobey:
[completely uncharmed] You tell him I want him in here in one hour, and ready for duty. You tell him that.

Starsky:
There's only one problem, Captain.

Capt. Harold Dobey:
What's that?

Starsky:
I don't know where he is to tell him that.

Starsky:
[Starsky has just found Hutch's gun in his apartment and knows something has happened to him] I'm telling you, he's gone!

Capt. Harold Dobey:
No he isn't. He's out on a date with a beautiful girl, to use your words.

Starsky:
[frustrated] Captain, you don't understand!

Capt. Harold Dobey:
What do you mean, I don't understand?

Starsky:
I found his gun back in his apartment.

Capt. Harold Dobey:
[skeptical] Do you take that gun out with you when you go on a date?

Starsky:
[angrily] Hutch wouldn't visit his *mother* without a gun!

Capt. Harold Dobey:
[firmly] All right, Starsky settle down!

[Starsky calms down]

Capt. Harold Dobey:
What do you think happened to him?

Starsky:
[crossly] I don't know.

Capt. Harold Dobey:
Well, you know about that girl.

Starsky:
I know her name, I know where she lives...

Capt. Harold Dobey:
And?

Starsky:
I can't find her, either.

Capt. Harold Dobey:
What do you want to do about it?

Starsky:
Missing Persons?

Capt. Harold Dobey:
That's a 'missing officer.'

Starsky:
No, I mean 'missing partner.'

Ben Forest:
Hi, baby.

Jeanie Walton:
How'd you find me?

Ben Forest:
Where do you go when you're lookin' for something? You go to the cops. Even a cop named Hutch.

Jeanie Walton:
You're lying. He wouldn't tell you.

[She realizes something bad has happened]

Jeanie Walton:
What did you do to him?

Ben Forest:
You'll see, baby. You'll see.

Hutch:
[Entering his kitchen, where Starsky is sitting on the counter and eating] That's a great breakfast. Root beer and cold pizza.

Starsky:
It's the all-American breakfast. Just for the autopsy record, what's that you mash up in there every morning?

Hutch:
[Pouring and sprinkling items into a blender] Goat's milk, a little blackstrap molasses, sea kelp, lecithin, a little desiccated liver; of course, a good sprinkle of it has trace elements and vitamins.

Starsky:
Of course.

Hutch:
Y'know, Starsky, you oughta get into something like this. Make a new man outta ya.

Capt. Harold Dobey:
Starsky, don't be cute. If you need help, call for it.

Starsky:
Hutch is cute. I'm careful.

Hutch:
[Looking out the window of his home] Hey, Starsk, you see that sunset?

Starsky:
[Laying on the couch] Nah, that's okay.

Hutch:
You really oughtta take a look at it.

Starsky:
Why? It happens every night.

Hutch:
It's beautiful! Every color of the spectrum, constantly changing. Blue, gold, red, purple...

Starsky:
You been keepin' Reader's Digest in the john again? 'Ways to More Colorful Speech'?

Starsky:
Hey, I'm a cop, not a vigilante. And especially because this was Helen, what will go down will be the most professional homicide investigation ever conducted by this department. I'm going to walk that guy into a court, and a judge is going to imprison or institutionalize him for the rest of his life. So help me, God.

Ezra Beam:
[Showing off his gaudy "church," filled with faux-pagan decor] Well, how do you like the way I converted the old pad?

Hutch:
Yeah, it's, uh, real nice. Gotta lot of class, Ezra. Who's your decorator - Vincent Price?

Ezra Beam:
Listen, I laugh all the way to the bank. Demonology and devil worship, man, that's the newest fad. It's legal and tax deductible. These nuts and kooks all want to be sorcerers and pay for the privilege.

Starsky:
[to Hutch] I told you we were in the wrong business.

Father Delacourt:
[Looking at Starsky and Hutch's clothing] Now tell me something, with you two dressed like that, what's left for the criminals to wear?

Hutch:
We don't get paid extra to kill people either.

John Colby:
I don't kill anybody I don't get paid to kill.

Tom Lockly:
They say the rain washes everything clean. It's gonna take a lot of it before we're through here.

Hutch:
Sure your arm's gonna be all right?

Starsky:
Couldn't be better. I told ya, Gene Autry gets it there all the time.

Hutch:
You know something? You look terrible.

Starsky:
Hey, don't let me fool you; I played Camille in high school.

Hutch:
[after Starsky weaved through traffic, driving the wrong way on a one way street] You didn't see the arrow, huh?

Starsky:
I didn't even see the Indians.

Olivia:
[Pinching Starsky's cheek] Anyone ever tell you you're as cute as a teddy bear?

Starsky:
[to Hutch] I can't help it.

Hutch:
I didn't know Little Orphan Annie was still around.

Starsky:
Yeah. She's developin'.

Hutch:
You ever see a fat lion, huh?

Starsky:
Come to think about it, I've never seen a thin hippopotamus.

Jessie:
[Scowling at Starsky and Hutch] Plainclothes are the worst kind of fuzz.

Gary Filmon:
Oh, Jessie, they're our guests.

Jessie:
"Beware of false prophets that come to you in sheep's clothing and inwardly are ravenous wolves." Saint Matthew.

Hutch:
Hey, Starsk, do you think Pat O'Brien will ever forgive us?

Hutch:
[Explaining pro wrestling to Starsky] Now, see, what happens is you get some Idaho potato picker in here, you give him a funny name and a fancy pair of tights and a bottle of ketchup.

Huggy Bear:
Welcome to Rodent Downs, gentlemen. Just a friendly game of chance amongst friends.

Starsky:
Mouse racing?

Hutch:
I don't believe it.

Huggy Bear:
Well, you ever try to get ten horses in a basement?

Starsky:
[Upon discovering a dead body in a shower stall] Tell me he slipped on a bar of soap.

Hutch:
He slipped on a bar of soap.

Starsky:
I don't believe it.

Hutch:
Neither do I.

Merl the Earl:
Say, I know you.

Starsky:
Yeah, you know my Uncle Al.

Merl the Earl:
Right, right. You drive that red tomato with the white stripe.

Starsky:
Uh, red Torino.

Merl the Earl:
Tomato, tomahto, what's the difference?

Bettin:
All right, what the hell are you doing? We have Jojo under surveillance and all of a sudden you pick him up?

Hutch:
Surprised it took you this long to find us.

Bettin:
Listen!

Starsky:
Ssshhh! Now calm down, will ya? We just decided to take Jojo out for a bite to eat - only he ain't hungry.

Hutch:
Yeah. And after that, us girls are gonna do a little shopping.

Starsky:
You know, if this was a cowboy movie, I'd give you my boots.

[Starsky and Hutch hold hands]

Starsky:
You're my pal, Hutch.

Hutch:
Thanks buddy... but what'd you have to do that for? He was the only guy that knew.

Starsky:
[hardly breathing] Seemed to be a good idea at the time.

Starsky:
Find my pants.

Hutch:
I've got your watch.

Starsky:
You forgot my pants?

Hutch:
Uh...

Starsky:
You mean you want me to hit the streets with no pants, no badge, no gun, no dignity? What's the matter with you? [to doctor] Do you believe him?

Hutch:
You know, you're right, Starsk, I should have left you lying on the floor while I decided which pair of your equally crummy blue jeans I should pack.

Capt. Harold Dobey:
Look, Hutch, we only have two hours.

Hutch:
I don't care if we have two minutes, we don't give up!

Eddie Hoyle:
Hi, Starchy. Hi, Hup.

Starsky:
Now, how many times we got to tell you... I'm Starchy. He's Hup.

Eddie Hoyle:
Well, the sun was kinda in my eyes, and you guys look an awful lot alike.