Still Game, Series 2

Ned 1:
Here, you!

Winston:
Who, me?

Ned 1:
Aye, you! Auld yin!

Winston:
What is it?

Ned 1:
What you daein wi' that bush? Are you George Bush?

Ned 2:
[laughs] George Bush! Ask him if he's Kate Bush, go on, ask him!

Ned 1:
Shut up! Are you Kate Bush?

Winston:
Aye, that's right(!)

Ned 1:
Sing us a song, Kate Bush!

Jack:
Good morning, Doctor

Victor:
(Speaks to pretend intercom) Hold all calls, Linda.

Jack:
Linda?

Victor:
I had to let Agnes go, she was an arsehole.

Jack:
That's a bloody liberty that, I liked that woman, she was almost ready for retirement.

Victor:
Too bad, I call the shots, and she's sacked. Now what is wrong with you?

Jack:
I'm depressed...

Victor:
And how is this depression manifesting itself?

Jack:
I cannot be arsed with anything or anybody.

Victor:
Well, it sounds like you're depressed, but I am afraid I cannae help ye.

Jack:
How?

Victor:
'Cause I just gied the last o' ma tablets to a lovely big fella called Victor McDade!

[Jack and Victor are visiting their respective wives' graves]

Jack:
You're a creepy bastard!

Victor:
How?

Jack:
Talking to Betty like that, as if she were still alive. "Oh, I might be getting back on the road again!"

Victor:
What's wrong with that? You're the creepy bastard!

Jack:
And how would that be?

Victor:
Standing there in silence, all remorseful. "Oh, look at me mourning!"

Jack:
Better than talking to the bloody deid, in't it? It's no' just that. You leave a wee gap, as if she's gonnae answer, as if she's still here.

Victor:
She is still here, in my heart!

Jack:
Birthday caird pish!

Victor:
[Talks to his wife's grave] Ignore him, my sweet. We'll soon be together.

Jack:
[Mutters] Jesus!

Victor:
What's that? Well put, yes. He is an arsehole!

Jack:
Shut up!

Victor:
What's the matter with you? This is how it's gonnae be, Jack. Me and my beloved, lying out together!

Jack:
Aye! Two old skeletons, holding their bony hands together with just your wee wedding rings hanging off your scraggy knuckles!

Victor:
Comes to us all! In fact, have a wee lie down, enjoy the view!

Jack:
What view? You'll be deid! You'll see hee-haw! Your eye sockets'll be full of beasties!

Victor:
[Laughs heartily] Ach, I'm only winding you up!

Jack:
Aye, well...

Victor:
Come on. [Addresses Betty's grave] Cheery-bye, Betty, my darling!

[Both walk out of shot, then Jack walks back to Betty's grave]

Jack:
Call me an arsehole, Betty!

[Jack and Victor are stood at a bus stop; we see a middle-aged man and his mother walk towards the bus stop, carrying bags of shopping]

Martin:
Freezin', eh, Ma?

Ma:
Oh, aye, Martin.

Martin:
I cannae wait to get up the road, eh, Ma?

Ma:
Neither can I, Martin.

Martin:
Aye, with some soup when we get in, and then we can have a cup of tea with some snowballs, eh, Ma?

Ma:
I didnae get any snowballs, Martin.

Martin:
Nae snowballs?!

Ma:
Naw.

Martin:
You stupid... auld... cow!

Ma:
Relax, Martin, you've got an empire biscuit.

Martin:
I'm no' wantin' an empire biscuit, I'm wantin' a snowball!

Victor:
TAXI!

[We see a passing taxi, which Jack and Victor get into]

Jack:
Maybe if you have a jobby, Martin, your ma can wipe your arse for ye, Martin!

Boabby:
Hey! Look! It's Lambert and Butler!

Jack:
Shut it, Boabby. You're the only fag in here.

Boabby:
How does this sound; I'll worry about my bar, and you two worry about if you're gonna make it through another winter?!

[After Pete the Jakey claims to be working for Internal Operations]

Jack:
Who'd you think you are, 007?!

Victor:
Aye, licence to get pished!

Jack:
[hums the James Bond theme] The name's Bastard, Alkie Bastard!

Victor:
Vodka martini, shaken not stirred. Seven of them and a kebab!

Pete the Jakey:
By the way, your mission, should you choose to accept it, sniff my manky ring!

Jack:
I think I'll pass on that mission.

Boabby:
Oh look who it is, Batman and Robin!

Victor:
We'll accept that, as long as you go as Catwoman, ya pussy!