Sue Thomas: F.B.Eye, Season 3

[Sue and Lucy have discovered Howie in their apartment in the middle of the night.]

Sue:
Did he just say what I think he said?

Lucy:
He said somebody wants to kill him, and I presume he means somebody besides us.

[Myles walks into the room where Howie is wearing his bulletproof vest.]

Myles:
Has anyone seen my Kevlar-- [spots Howie] If you don't have that off by the time I count to three, I promise you will have need of it by the time I get to four.

Lucy:
I thought we'd never get out of there. Anita says she has to chew every bite at least 50 times to aid in her digestion. Who even knew you could digest eggplant spirulina casserole?

Sue:
Who knew you'd ever want to? [Lucy chuckles] If she's going to stay longer, maybe you should at least get your bedroom back.

Lucy:
Oh, it's okay. I'm so tired I could sleep on a bed of nails. I'll be fine. But why are you still up?

Sue:
I was going to take a shower before bed, but I made the mistake of not getting started before you got home.

[Lucy glances toward the bathroom and sighes]

Lucy:
I know. She's been in there longer than some third-world regimes stay in power. With any luck we'll have hot water again by next week.

Lucy:
I've never heard of half the stuff on Anita's special shopping list. Free-range egg white extract?

Sue:
Probably on the shelf right next to wheat-free soy lasagna.

Myles:
Ah, the good host syndrome. Open your door to a wayward traveler, and before you know it, you're at their mercy. Your routines disrupted, your cupboards emptied, the sanctity of your castle hopelessly compromised.

Tara:
What do you recommend, Sir Myles? Toss them out in the street?

Myles:
No, I recommend a drawbridge and a moat. Never let them breach the gates in the first place.

Bobby:
I follow the three day law. They stay longer than that, I throw their gear on the porch, change the locks, turn on the sprinklers.

Tara:
Now that's hospitable.

Bobby:
I wonder what would happen if they took the best parts of all of us and made one super cyber F.B.I. agent? We'd start with my looks, of course.

Tara:
My brain. Sue's heart. Sorry, Myles.

Myles:
I'll try to get over it.

Sue:
Lucy's smile. Jack's eyes.

[Sue's and Jack's eyes both widen as they realize what she said.]

Jack:
Thank you.

Sue:
[confusedly] Did I mention Lucy's smile?

[Myles and Bobby are escorting two witnesses, Howie and Otis, to a trial in Phoenix. Their car was stolen while they were in a gas station]

Myles:
You left the keys in the car?! How could you leave the keys in the car?!

Howie:
I wanted to make sure I didn't lose them again.

Myles:
Howie, you have taken a less than desirable situation and made it less than less than desirable!

Lucy:
[Reading from MindProphet literature] If you want to learn more about becoming your true self, MindProphet invites you to meet with a senior member, who will help you determine if you are being held back by false selves.

Bobby:
I'm gonna take a wild guess every seeker is held back by at least one false self.

Jack:
And getting rid of those false selves costs a lot of money.

Dimitrius:
Actually, it costs whatever you have. Eventually, they have you sign over everything to them.

Myles:
Oh, a bargain if it allows you to find that one pesky self you've been looking for but unable to pin down.

Bobby:
[to Lucy] Anyone ever tell you you're beautiful with that evil genius look on your face?

[Sue has agreed to help Randy on a date with a deaf woman.]

Myles:
All Sue has to do is teach Randy a few wrong signs. Like instead of 'It's nice to meet you. You look beautiful,' maybe something like [Jack and Dimitrius enter] 'I'm a pompous idiot and there's no way any woman in her right mind would go out with me.'

Jack:
What'd we miss? Somebody slip him some truth serum?

Dimitrius:
Let it out, Myles. The truth will set you free.

Myles:
Well, I learned a valuable piece of information today. Don't walk up to somebody in a small town and ask what's new unless you really want to know.

Bobby:
And on that note, did you know that the football coach is in danger of losing his job? Pity, he's had some good years.

Jack:
But it's much more complicated than that. Some people think the principal has it in for the coach because they both have eyes for the new home ec teacher.

Myles:
Ahhh!

[Jack and Sue are together at a restaurant watching Tara on her 'date' with a witness.]

Jack:
First it was Hannah and Randy, and now it's Tara and Horace. We've got to stop dating like this.

Sue:
Did you say dating?

Jack:
[flustered] No, I said meeting. We've got to stop meeting like this.

Sue:
I think you said dating.

Jack:
Where's our waitress? Maybe we should order now.

Bobby:
Tara? You like that band Mojo Gogo, right?

Jack:
You kidding? I happen to know she's a card-carrying member of their fan club.

Tara:
I don't actually have a card.

Bobby:
How would you like to see the band perform tonight, up-close and personal?

Tara:
I'd love it! [Pauses and looks suspiciously at Bobby] What's the catch?

Bobby:
You have to go with me.

Jack:
Pretty big catch.

[Bobby and Tara have just gotten back from the concert and are walking up Tara's front walk, having a friendly debate]

Bobby:
...but it makes no sense.

Tara:
Sure it does.

Bobby:
"Hamsters in my heart"? Look, fair enough, fair enough; I know you love your Mojo Gogo, but what kind of lyric is "I've got hamsters in my heart"?

Tara:
It's a metaphor.

Bobby:
For?

Tara:
For... something which, if I explained it to you, would be far too deep for you to understand.

Bobby:
You see? You don't understand it either!

Tara:
Okay, okay. It's a stupid lyric. But it's got a great beat. You can dance to it.

[Tara starts humming and dancing]

Myles:
This is Timmy Chambers, he's a busboy who was working last night. He claims he heard an altercation here in the alley.

Timmy:
Actually, I'm not a busboy, I'm a tenor.

Bobby:
As in "Pavarotti" tenor?

Timmy:
Singing - it's my heart. My willingness to clear tables? That demonstrates m-my commitment to it.

Myles:
Well, now that you've clarified your station in life, perhaps you could tell us where the people were arguing.

[Lucy and Sue are talking about Sue moving to New York. Lucy is crying a bit]

Lucy:
Do you remember when we first met, when I was still dating Myles?

Sue:
Oh, now I know why you're crying?