Thank God You're Here, Series 1

Shane Bourne:
Frank, how are you feeling?

Frank Woodley:
I’m feeling…I’m feeling… I’m feeling…good! Not cocky, but just feeling, well actually you know what? I’m feeling like I’m a spider of entertainment. And that’s because I’m going to weave a web of comedy from stuff I just pull out of my bum. We’ll see. Fingers crossed.

Shane:
Oh, I can’t wait. Get the Mortein!

Heidi:
These products are all good, as the slogan says...

Fifi Box:
If you can do it, you can!

(hooter)

Frank:
Does yours hurt as much as mine?

Gladiator:
A little bit.

Frank:
It’s like agh! (Hits metal on chest.) Far out! They could make them out of mink! It wouldn’t be so good in the battles of course. But in this bit, (Hits metal on chest.) the mink would be better. In the battle, agh, agh! You’re dead!

Dan:
Tell me, what news from the Eastern Front?

Frank:
Oh, the barbarians are going off their nut! Hairy, hairy, hairy bastards.

Frank:
Rome glorious Rome! We root like rabbits.

Rome glorious Rome! We have the trusted like habits!

But slightly different because it’s a little bit away from us.

Rome glorious Rome! We will one day rule the universe!

Rome glorious Rome! We will turn the barbarian’s scrotums into a purse!

Peter Rowsthorn:
This one was the dolphin pad, which we have clearly marked ‘H’, because dolphins, they’re high intelligence beings, have their own alphabet. They understand D as an H.

Frank:
I am Pete. But my friends call me Tom.

Dan:
Tom.

Heidi:
Okay.

Frank:
No, you are not my friends yet!

Heidi:
Do any of you hold any qualifications for early childhood?

Frank:
Oh, yes. I’m qualified to go through early childhood.

Heidi:
Now, of course we have to do a police check, ‘cause you will be working with children. Now, who...

Frank:
Right. (Drops his giant toothbrush, and walks out of the room, disappearing out the back.)

Heidi:
Welcome to Australia’s number one children’s show...

Shaun Micallef:
Hey, That's My Hat.

Heidi:
And what's our special letter for today?

Shaun:
Today's letter is from Alfred Gurnes.

Heidi:
Goodbye to all our friends today, we’ve had so much fun and so much gay.

Shaun:
-ness of us, that is a lifestyle choice, so whether you’re a girl or whether you are boys, come again tomorrow won't you, I… crave?

Shaun:
I am the Amphibian Man. My code name is Get Me Out Of Here Immediately.

Matthew Newton:
I am the Spotty Dick. And my code name is Chunder.

Dan:
And you, fellow?

Angus Sampson:
My name is Beaver. My code name is Beaver.

Leader:
It’s our friend from the French resistance.

Matt:
Hubba hubba!

Shaun:
(His microphone falls from his pocket.) My God, these haven’t been invented yet!

Shane Bourne:
Before we start. Frank?

Frank Woodley:
(Indicates bald head.) This is all I know, They’ve given me this. I’m not sure what that means. I dunno if I’m gonna be a baby or if I’m gonna be sort of um, “Whoa, the power and the passion!” (Dances crazily.)

Andrew:
How much time would you estimate you’ve taken off in the last six months?

Frank:
In the last six months?

Andrew:
Yeah.

Frank:
Oh, probably not more than six months.

Frank:
Is your body a temple? I hope it is, although, I hope that a priest hasn’t entered it.

Frank:
(Indicates clothes.) I must admit I’m starting to think I’m probably not going to be going “Whoa, the power and the passion!” I’m starting to think it’s a different direction.

Dan:
Thank God you’re here master.

Frank:
I’m glad to be here. Because I’m always glad for a master of the way always has a happy heart. Even once, I got a pimple on the inside of my buttocks and when I walked it would rub and rub! But that did not deter me from the centre of the way.

Frank:
(In accent.) Don’t try to eat a stone, you’ll... it’ll hurt! And don’t ever try to throw a feather at someone in anger for the will look at you and just go (Drops accent.)”Well what are you doing?”

Dan:
Master, lead us in a prayer

Frank:
Okey, dokey. Great wall of china!

Dan:
In Tibetan, master, if we may.

Frank:
(Shakes his head.) You have learnt much my son. But you have not learnt to not be a smart ass.

Dan:
I want you to stand and state your name. Who are you?

Glenn Robbins:
Um... Ken. Ken the... Ken the conqueror.

Dan:
You sir?

Akmal Saleh:
Vicilious Demericus. But I’m also known as Craig.

Fifi Box:
Sally Bacterious.

Dan:
Sally. You have a strange voice for a viking warrior.

Fifi:
I do. I do. Some like it though.

Dan:
Good, sit mighty Sally. And finally...

Frank:
I’m... I’m Ken as well. But I’m Ken, the one who tried to conquer some stuff and didn’t work out.

Dan:
What do you call this?

Glenn Robbins:
It slices. It dices. But wait, there’s more. It also works as a... Ken?

Frank:
Killing thing.

Glenn:
So when you’re attacked by an enemy, don’t stab him. Slice him and dice him, pop him in the freezer and have him a bit later on.

Dan:
You have discovered a new method to navigate the mighty waters.

Fifi:
I thought what we could do is just put the boat in the water, grab an oar, see what happens.

Dan:
I like it.

Akmal:
We did this, but we forgot to get in the boat. And then the boat went... next time we actually got the boat and went in it, and we thought that was much more effective.

Glenn:
Let’s just say, she’s not great at coming up with ideas. She’s much better, Ken, and I think you’ll agree when I say this, at making love.

Dan:
Ken the non-conqueror, but Ken the wise, tell me, some say the earth is round.

Frank:
Ha!

Dan:
Some say the earth is flat. But you say it is neither. Why?

Frank:
Well, I’ve got a hunch. Because I think it’s like a big skateboard ramp and you head off up into the nothingness, do a bit of a trick, come back. That didn't make any sense, let’s get into the raping!

Glenn:
Also, he’s not great with the ideas.

Dan:
Enough! We only have time to pray now. And we must pray to mighty Thor, mighty Oden, please I ask of thee, give me wisdom.

Ed:
I ask of thee strength. (Points at Glenn.)

Glenn:
I ask of thee…

Akmal:
He’s not great with ideas either!

Nicola:
Does this mean you and I are through?

Angus Sampson:
Well... Let’s just work that out. (He draws a graph on the whiteboard.) If we take this variable as Monday to Friday. This variable: 9 to 5. I take 12 to 3 off, I could fit you in on Tuesdays to Thursdays 12 to 3.

Nicola:
You said you loved me, John.

(There’s a pause. Angus looks at Ed.)

Angus:
Well, I love you, too.

Ed:
Good.

Angus:
To health, love, and multimedia legislation.

Dan:
I hate to be a stickler for tradition, but if we could have that in Latin, just to keep in with...

(They all agree.)

Santo Cilaro:
In vino veritas, et avec omnibus we travel.

Dan:
We were looking at possible changes, you had mentioned, Brother, you wanted to change some of the prayers to sort of update them for the young people. To keep it fresh.

Angus:
Wanted to get the Snoop Dogg language happening, the ‘shizzleator’ into the blessings.

Dan:
Shizzleator?

Angus:
Shizzleator.

Dan:
How would that sound?

Angus:
Ordered my shizzle, oblezzile, essing with ezzizzle, a celebrizzle of the word of the jizzle.

Simon:
This was a fact finding mission on African poverty and yet you started in the Greek islands.

Alan Brough:
I wanted... I wanted to get some perspective.

Simon:
On board a yacht?

Alan:
Lots of perspective.

Simon:
Thank God you’re here.

Shaun:
Yes, well, I came as soon as I could, my boat was slow.

Simon:
The king awaits. Your highness.

Shaun:
Your Majesty.

Dan:
Ah, at last. So tell me, my good man, how did you get here?

Shaun:
As I said to your footman, I arrived here on boat.

Dan:
But you live in the next village.

Shaun:
It was carried aloft by four others.

Shaun Micallef:
(Sitting down) Please excuse my unworthy crack.

Ensemble:
Come let us be gay

Angus Sampson:
Ah, my favourite part of the evening

Frank Woodley:
My grandfather actually lost a leg in the war. It wasn't his. He was a doctor.

Bob Franklin:
This section is known as Oak Corner. It was named by a fellow who had to be let go in the end due to a lack of imagination.

Josh Lawson:
And if we all look out to the left, the bus will tip over.

Bob:
As we always say in Melbourne. Take Photos, But Leave the Women Alone.

Frank:
Just because you need nappies, doesn't mean you can't dance! That's my motto!

Frank:
Yeah, we don't have beds anymore. We find that if we stack them in shelves and strap them in, its far more efficient!

Frank:
I think cause our inmates like… inmates? Our clients like that personal… they like to feel, they like me to caress them in a friendly, no! We’re not like that!

Interviewer:
Of course your residents have a whole programme…

Frank:
Residents! That’s the word I was looking for.

Frank:
The items in the package were of a packaged nature, that’s the only information we have to date without a doubt it was probably one of the more packaged um, packages yet to be packaged.

Angus Sampson:
Whenever you're feeling very very ill, get in the ring with Ozzie Boxing Phil.

Ensemble:
[referring to Ozzie Phil's pies] They say that they are Australian pies but, where are they made?

Angus Sampson:
New Zealand.

Ensemble:
It says on the box "Made in Thailand".

Angus:
That's Thailand on the north island of New Zealand.

Josh Lawson:
Government regulation prohibit the following four activities: 1. Smoking. 2. Offensive language. 3. Offensive smoking. And 4. Smoking language.

Hamish Blake:
Anyone trespassing on the ground will be fined $500 and be forced to eat a shoe.

Ensemble:
How do you do it with the ladies? What's your secret?

Angus Sampson:
Well, first I listen to them. I look at them and then I touch them.

Ensemble:
Listen for his opening line that he's famous for.

Angus Sampson:
Nice gloves.

Ensemble:
What deck are you on, Mr. Higginbottom?

Angus Sampson:
The top. Always the top.

Angus Sampson:
George used to say to me...

Ensemble:
Yes, Mr. Higginbottom?

Angus Sampson:
Don't rush me woman.

Ensemble:
This was a normal horse, now it's a miniture horse

Akmal Saleh:
Yeah, well I'm a miniture clown!