Thank God You're Here

Woman:
May I Present our special guest, one of the most celebrated mediums in the country, Madame...

Fern Britton:
Oh, er.. yes. Madame... Gordon

Woman:
Madame Gordon. Also known as Madame Olga

Fern Britton:
Yes. Olga Gordon

Fern Britton:
Don't be scared. When she says I'm a world famous Medium, I'm more of a sort of Medium-Rare

Woman:
How long have you been a medium?

Fern Britton:
I've been a medium... for about two months

Woman:
Now I know, Madame Olga, you will have your own special incantation

Fern Britton:
Yes

Woman:
To banish negative spirits

Fern Britton:
I do. [She bangs tambourine] Piss Off!

Man 1:
I see you've got another medal since we last met.

Clive Anderson:
Yes

Man 1:
This one is for valour, this one is for long service. Er..What's this one for?

Clive Anderson:
This one's for honesty... I stole it.

Clive:
We are still able to bomb Germany, which is a strange thing to do in 1988.

Man 1:
So what are we looking at here?

Clive:
What we are looking at here, and remember this is confidental information, is a map. This is our country (points to Britain), this is the enemy (points to Germany) and this lot we are not too sure about (points to France)

Man 1:
We are going to hit the town of Chrysindorf, or in English it's known as...?

Clive:
er... Berlin

Man 2:
I need to ask you. Why are we going to the Chrysindorf part of Berlin? Don't they make cheese, sir? Why bomb a cheese factory?

Clive:
Listen, when I say we bomb a cheese factory, we bomb a cheese factory.

Man 1:
Okay, chaps

Clive:
It's fascism we're fighting, you know. [Shouting] So you all do what I say!

Woman:
What were your last words?

Hamish Blake:
(A Tennis Player in Heaven) Erm... my last words were, "Was it out?" Because I sort of.. it sort of got smashed at me - quite hard - and I fell down, and the ball sort of rolled of me and I think I landed out.So on one hand, dead; on the other hand, match point