The Adventures of Lano and Woodley, Season 1

Colin:
Everyone else can die, but you cannot - WHY?

Colin:
She was so beautiful. She had eyes.........which was good, because the last girl I liked just had skin from the eyebrows down.

Colin:
You stole my imaginary girlfriend!

Frank:
Come on, Col, you’re making a mountain out of a... very big hill.

[Frank has mistaken a movie for their life.]

Frank:
I was sure that was you. [pause] Did we ever free a whale?

[The pair are going on holiday, and are packing, Colin produces an oar from the cupboard.]

Colin:
Ba-da!!

Frank:
Why are you taking an oar?

Colin:
In case we hire a canoe.

Frank:
Yeah, but the canoes come with oars.

Colin:
I want to use my oar.

Frank:
But why?

Colin:
My great great great grandfather gave this to me. It's one of my most prized possessions.

Frank:
Yeah?

Colin:
Yeah, he gave it to me just a few years back.

Frank:
But how could your great great great grandfather have given it to you? He must have died about a hundred years ago!

Colin:
He just... ohh, sorry. He's not my grandfather's father's father's father, he's just my normal grandfather. But he's a really great, great, great grandfather. He's really great! I love him!

Colin:
Remind the neighbours to feed the cat... yep.

Frank:
Col, we haven’t got a cat.

Colin:
But their cat’s looking really skinny.

Colin:
Frank, what’s wrong?

Frank:
[Lying to Col about why he’s upset.] Grandad’s dead.

Colin:
[Sits down.] Frank, didn’t your grandad die five years ago?

[Frank nods, then looks confused.]

Colin:
I think it’s time you got over it.

[Frank turns to look at Col.]

Colin:
Remember? We were sitting at home, and you had to go down to the shops, and I got the phone call saying that he died, and when you got back from the shops I told... [realizes what he said] Ooooh. [cheerfully] Your grandad’s dead, Frank!

Colin:
You’re so dumb, aren’t you? You’re such an idiot. You’re so stupendous!

Frank:
Col, I don’t think you know what that word means.

Colin:
I know exactly what it means. And you’re just jealous ‘cause you know I’m so much better. You know I’m superfluous!

Colin:
You’ve been making an excuse everyday for the last fortnight.

Frank:
I have not. That’s not true, it’s only been two weeks.

Video Store Guy:
What about Silence of the Lambs?

Colin:
Nah, I'm not really into nature films.

Frank:
Excuse me, have you got that film? You know, that, um, that film with that guy. You know, that, um, that actor guy. You know, that actor who who’s in all those films. Have you got it? You know, you know the one I mean, oh what’s his name? Um, he’s been in heaps of films, you’d know him, you’d know him for sure. Um. You know, that... actor guy!

Colin:
[Looking at a video] Oh, what about Herbie Goes Bananas? Like, who’s Herbie? Is he some, like, psychopath of something?

Frank:
Oh, um, hey. Hey! Oh, uh, this’ll help. This’ll help. I just thought, he was in that other film. The one where he, um, where he plays a cop. You know! You know the film I mean, where that actor guy plays a cop.

Colin:
[To the video shop guy.] Want me to put it back for you?

Video guy:
No, it’s okay. I’ll do it. It’s my job.

Frank:
Oh, and he was after that bad guy. You know! Ah, the... And he’s... the um... the actor guy! What is his name? See, the thing is... the thing is... the thing is, that when I say it, you’ll go ‘ah! Yes. Him. I love him. Adore him, the actor guy, yes. I just, mmm. Yes!’ But I can’t think of his... oh, it’s on the tip of my tongue! [Sticks his tongue out and looks at it.] You’d know it. See, the thing is... the thing is that you would know him, he’s got the hair, and the eyes, bit of a nose, and the mouth there, and he... it’s all held together with a... like a face!

Video guy:
Shut up!

Colin:
I’m warning you! I know jujitsu! And tae kwon do. And various other oriental... words.

Frank:
Col. I love you, Col.

Colin:
Frank. [pause] Love is a very strong word, for me. [He goes to leave, then stops.] Frank. I... tolerate you. [He goes to leave again, then turns around and they hug tightly.]

[Col and Frank are watching Mr Mannox being swarmed by wasps in his car. A person in a mask comes up and starts growling and jumping around them. He eventually stops and pulls off the mask.]

Video guy:
Sorry, have I come at a bad time?

Frank & Colin:
[They look at him, then each other, and then at Mr Mannox.] He loved that factory.

Colin:
Didn’t he, Frank?

Frank:
He certainly did, Greg. Greg? Greg, Greg, Gregory Peck! The actor guy! Gregory Peck! [He looks frantically between Col and the video shop guy, the solemnly back at Mr Mannox.]

Frank:
You know the strangest thing about Mr. Wilson? When he comes over he never says anything.

Colin:
Yeah, that’s because he is a mute.

Frank:
Oh right. [Pause.] What’s a mute?

Colin:
He’s a mute - he can’t talk.

Frank:
Ohh... No, I’m still not clear on this mute business.

Colin:
For some reason he is unable to speak.

Frank:
Ohhh... No, I still don’t get it.

Colin:
He’s a mute! He’s dumb!

Frank:
Yeah, well, I’m dumb too, but at least I’m polite enough to speak to people!

Colin:
As my father always used to say, "The early bird catches the worm".

Frank:
[Confused] How does that relate to this?

Colin:
Well, the first bird up, the worms are his.

Frank:
[Still confused] Yes but, I don't see the connection with our problem.

Colin:
[Circling the hole in the wall with a chisel] If you're up before the other biiiiirrrrrrdddds, you won't go hungry.

Frank:
[Still confused] Yes, but...

Colin:
[Yelling] LOOK I DONT KNOW. I'M JUST TRYING TO BE POSITVE. MY FATHER SAID IT, IT RELATED TO SOMETHING, AND IT MADE ME FEEL GOOD. CAN WE JUST GET ON WITH IT?!

Colin:
It's gonna be great in there tonight isn't it? With all those pop stars and dancers and actors.

Frank:
I wonder if any of the great Hollywood actors'll be there Col, like Charlton Burton.

Colin:
[pauses] There's no such person you idiot. It's either Charlton Heston or Richard Burton.

Frank:
No, Charlton Burton. There's a Charlton Burton! He was in that film, that classic film, everybody loves it, 'The Long Long Eyebrow.' It's my favourite.

Frank:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will only cause permanent psychological damage!

Colin:
I wanna be good out there, Frank! This is my big chance to make a mark in the world! I wanna be remembered. I...I wanna be famous. I wann be a historical figure like Alexander the Great or Scott of the Antarctic or Weird Al Yankovic, you know!

Frank:
I didn't know anyone even lived in the Antartic.

Colin:
[confused] What?

Frank:
[recalling what Colin said] Scott. Scott of the Antartic.

Colin:
He wasn't from the Antarctic. He was English. He went there on an expedition. Look, we haven't got time to talk about that now.

Frank:
Well, why do they call him 'Scott OF the Antarctic'? They should call him 'Scott Who Went TO the Antartic'. I mean, a friend of mine Russell went to Thailand once and I don’t call him 'Russell of Thailand'.

Colin:
Can we just get on with rehearsal please?

Frank:
And why'd he go there anyway?

Colin:
He wanted to be the first man to reach the South Pole, but he was beaten by some Norwegian guy. He froze to death on the way back.

Frank:
So, they should call him 'Scott Who Went to the Antartic...But Probably Shouldn't Have'.

Frank:
I really think we should go out.

[Colin moans unenthusiastically]

Frank:
It's worth a try.

Colin:
I don't think so.

Frank:
Give it a chance.

Colin:
There's no way.

Frank:
Come on, Col.

Colin:
I'm not sure.

Frank:
Could just work.

Colin:
You really think so?

Frank:
You never know.

Colin:
I just don't...

Frank:
You're coming 'round.

Colin:
[enthusiastically] I think I am!

Frank:
That's the way!

Colin:
Let's give it a try!

Frank:
I'm with you!

Colin:
So I am!

Frank:
Come on, let's go!

Colin:
I gotta get ready!

Frank:
Good idea!

Colin:
I'm hitting the shower!

Frank:
I am too!

Colin:
[sternly] No, you're not! I like to shower alone. I mean, I like...I like you a lot. And we're gonna go out tonight. It's gonna be great. But I'd rather shower by myself if that's all the same to you. Okay?

[Colin and Frank grin and give each other two thumbs-up.]