The Batman, Season 1

The Joker:
Takes after his pa, wouldn't you say?

[Batman comes face-to-face with Joker, a clown with white skin, green hair and a huge red grin on his face]

Batman:
What did you do to him?

The Joker:
Just some laughing gas, drag. Don't tell me you're not an inmate. [jumps down] What rational being dresses like you? Speaking of threads, think this is a good look for me?

Batman:
Who are you?

The Joker:
Joker.

Batman:
Not what. Who?

[Batman places one hand on Joker's face. There is no sign of white paint on his hand]

The Joker:
Smear-free. It's perma-clown! Ooh, tough crowd. Look. Nothing up my sleeves. Ha, ha. Nothing that won't put a smile on your face. Say cheese! [Batman throws a batarang, which knocks Joker's weapon out of his hand] I'm out of gas.

Batman:
And I'm out of patience!

[Batman punches Joker]

The Joker:
You really know how to spoil a coming-out party. How do you expect me to spread mirth and whimsy without a proper hideout?

Batman:
Listen, Joker, you're sick. You need help.

Joker:
Well, maybe I am a little off. [kicks Batman] But what are you gonna do? Lock me in the loony bin? I'm already here!

The Joker:
Stop me if you've heard this one, Batman: Two fellows in an abandoned party favor factory. One says to the other...

Batman:
Where are you keeping the gas, Joker?

The Joker:
You call that a punch line?

Batman:
I don't share your sense of humor.

The Joker:
Yet we're linked, you and I. Like comedy and tragedy. Two sides, same coin.

Batman:
The gas, Joker, or I vow I will turn your smile upside down.

The Joker:
Well, if it's gas you want... [He throws a playing card at a brown bag, which falls to the stage floor. Batman dodges it in time] Place all tray tables in their upright positions. [Joker laughs maniacally]

The Joker:
[after Batman foiled his plan] You have made me one very SAD CLOWN! [discovers that Batman is gone] Where'd you go?!

Batman:
Knock-knock.

The Joker:
Who's... there?

[Batman punches Joker]

Bane:
The Batman, I presume?

Batman:
The masked look must really be catching on.

Bane:
Defeat me, and I will allow you to remove it.

Batman:
Hate to disappoint, but I don't fight for sport.

Bane:
Then, fight for your life!

Batman:
Talk to me. You can start with name and motive.

Bane:
I am Bane, the last opponent you will ever face.

Ethan Bennett:
In some ways, man, I'm glad freaks like this Penguin bring out the Batman.

Bruce Wayne:
Hopefully, it's not the Batman who brings out the freaks.

The Penguin:
Just one question, Batman: How'd you find me?

Batman:
You left a trail of breadcrumbs, Cobblepot.

Penguin:
Please, now that all pretenses are off, call me Penguin - a flightless bird, but one with style.

Batman:
This has to end now before you start feeding on humans.

Dr. Kirk Langstrom:
Oh, I'm so close to my goal. Two more doses of my formula, and the Man-Bat will rule the night forever.

Dr. Kirk Langstrom:
I want to be like the Batman.

Bruce Wayne:
You want to be a crime fighter?

Dr. Kirk Langstrom:
No, Mr. Wayne, I want to be feared. You've forced me to accelerate my testing schedule, and pity that the Batman himself can't be here to witness. [drinks the serum] The birth of Man-Bat!

Batman:
You keep talking as we met, Mr... Victor Fries? But you're... [Mr. Freeze freezes Batman]

Mr. Freeze:
If I'm no longer living, Batman, you are the one who iced me. Allow me to return the favor.

Mr. Freeze:
I'm king of the mountain! The new emperor of Gotham! So get used to the weather.

Batman:
No, Freeze, this is my mountain.

[On the TV]

Robinson Sprang:
So, would you say the idea of a Batman/Catwoman link wasn't so farfetched after all?

Ellen Yin:
Yes, it's clear now that they work together to take down Katsu... as a vigilante team.

[Bruce groans]

Alfred Pennyworth:
Not quite what I had in mind when I encouraged you to meet women who share your interests, Master Bruce. But it's a start.

Batman:
If Catwoman were somehow, some way able to trace the signal back here-

Alfred Pennyworth:
We would have to rename it "The Catcave."

Batman:
Firefly.

Firefly:
Batman. [laughs] I see you survived your crack-up.

Batman:
I know about GothCorp.

Firefly:
What? Is that a rock band or something?

Bruce Wayne:
GothCorp is involved in investigations, allegations, resignations; too many "ations" for my tastes.

Herbert Ziegler:
Who are you?

Cluemaster:
The man you cheated! [He reveals his face, but there is a long silence as the victims are puzzled] Arthur Brown, from the show!

Bruce Wayne:
[about his childhood; why he couldn't play] There was work to do.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Play is the work of a child.

Batman:
Name the true identity of the Batman.

Cluemaster:
Trick question! Ask another!

Batman:
You said I could ask anything.

Alfred Pennyworth:
The young man you were expecting apologizes. He won't be able to attend, I'm afraid.

Becky:
Let me guess. He's married.

Alfred Pennyworth:
To his work.

Ventriloquist:
Only one heist away from retirement and the clean, honest work of a cowboy.

Batman:
You know... Gotham Penitentiary has a thriving retirement community.

The Joker:
[mutters to himself in his cell, until Batman appears] The Batman! What if I hadn't been decent?

Batman:
You're never decent, Joker. Why bother adding a stand-in to your card collection instead of me?

The Joker:
[Laughs] To drive you batty, of course. And look, it's working.

Batman:
[Grabs Joker] Answers, Joker.

The Joker:
Do you really think I'd send a flunky to eliminate my favorite sparring partner? I reserve that pleasure for me alone.

Batman:
Then why -

The Joker:
Because I miss your company, Batman. [Batman pushes Joker aside] We're two sides of the same card. After all, you knew where I'd send my look-a-like to find you. And I knew all along that if I left a trail of breadcrumbs, you'd gobble them up!

Batman:
Joker, you're not making sense. Why convince an orderly to do your dirty work when you could just have him unlock your cell?

The Joker:
Because you've always been my ace, Batman. My ace in the hole! [Laughs and pulls out two sticks and plays a tune with no notes]

Batman:
What?

[Joker blows out green Joker gas at Batman's face, causing him to collapse]

The Joker:
[Cackles] I don't need you in my card collection. I never play with a full deck! [Laughs]

Joker:
Welcome to Joker's revenge-o-rama! Introducing my first guest, [unveils Wigzell] Judge Horace Wigzell! He's such a card! [presses button, canned laughter plays] Now, why are you here? [in Southern accent] Because y'all done me wrong! [to the Judge] Wigzy, you sentenced me to life in the loony bin! [to Yin and Bennett] Detectives, you arrested me; Shame on you! [to Bagley] Bagley, how many times have I told you, I hate macaroni and cheese! Oh, how I've wanted to deck you all, and deck you I shall! [knocks Wigzell into the river] Go fish! [presses button, canned applause plays]

Alfred Pennyworth:
What has Master Bruce ever done to you?

The Penguin:
Oh, nothing. Nothing really. Except own everything that should rightfully belong to me! I am from noble blood! The Cobblepots were once the toast of society! I am a Cobblepot!

Mel Bramwell:
Get it all?

Cameraman:
I hope so. It's a dark night.

Mel Bramwell:
'The Dark Knight'. Now that has a ring to it...

Chief Angel Rojas:
He made you look like clowns. Six months ago, Gotham had the lowest crime rate in the nation. Yesterday, we were declared the world's scariest city! And that was before Joker's latest escapade.

Gotham P.D. Member 1:
But, chief, most of the guys on that board are in prison now, or Arkham.

Chief Angel Rojas:
And who received credit for those busts? You? Or you, Yin? I know it wasn't you, Bennett. So tell me, who?

Gotham P.D. Member 2:
Well, the Batman, I guess.

Chief Angel Rojas:
That's right. The Batman. Well, I'm tired of clowns and vigilantes turning my department into a laughing stock. So say hello to my new zero-tolerance policy against all these freaks. No exceptions. And, for starters, I want Gotham's finest to take down Joker before the Batman does. Capeesh?

Detective Ethan Bennett:
Chief Rojas, I'm going out on a limb here, but I've been thinking maybe we'd have more success if we tried working with Bats.

Chief Angel Rojas:
Working with the Batman? Maybe you could wear spandex and be the Bat's sidekick! You'd better figure out where your loyalties lie, Detective, and fast!

Joker:
Hold the mayo! I'm the vandal here! You mean to tell me the Chief of Police considers this... vigilante a greater menace than the Clown Prince of Crime?! Why, that's an outrage! An insult! In fact, detective, I resemble that remark!

Clayface:
Come on in, Batman. It's time to say our goodbyes to Chief Rojas.

Batman:
Let him go.

Clayface:
What, you don't approve, Bats? After all, to Rojas here, we're both on the wrong side of the law.

Batman:
It doesn't matter what he thinks. It's the code you live by that matters. And you don't wanna cross a line that you can't uncross.

Clayface:
Maybe you haven't noticed, Bats, but my line's been crossed for good!

Detective Ellen Yin:
Ethan, no!

Ethan Bennett:
It's not cool to give away the secret identity, Yin. [transforms into Detective Ellen Yin] Not that it matters. [transforms into Bruce Wayne] When I can be anyone I choose. [transforms into Batman] And when I'm no longer sure what I am. [transforms into The Joker] Except a freak! [laughs] You know what separates the freaks from the normals? Just one rotten day. Ever had a really rotten day, Batman? [transforms back into Clayface]

Clayface:
Thought so.

Batman:
Joker's rotten to the core by choice. A choice that's still yours to make, Detective.

Detective Ellen Yin:
Turn yourself in, Ethan. We can help you.

Clayface:
You don't get it, do you? Joker didn't just melt my skin, he melted my mind! I am a freak, inside and out! And Chief Rojas has zero-tolerance for the likes of me!

Ellen Yin:
[about Clayface] He could be anywhere.

Bruce Wayne:
He could be anyone.