The Big Bang Theory, Season 10

Susan:
It's just we're meeting Leonard's parents for the first time and, and they're academics and, and intellectuals and I don't want them thinking we're white trash.

Randall:
Well, what color trash do you think they'll believe?

Sheldon Cooper:
Why do people cry at weddings?

Mary Cooper:
They're practising for what's coming later.

Howard Wolowitz:
Maybe before our meeting we should talk to a lawyer?

Leonard Hofstadter:
It's not a bad idea.

Raj Koothrappali:
Hey, you must have someone in your family who's a lawyer.

Howard:
Why? Because I'm Jewish? That's like me saying "Hey, you're Indian! Doesn't your cousin work in a call center?"

Raj:
My cousin does work in a call center.

Howard:
And my cousin's a lawyer.

Penny Hofstadter:
When Leonard's feeling anxious, I make him take a long walk.

Amy Farrah Fowler:
Does that help?

Penny:
For a while, then he comes back.

Bernadette Rostenkowski:
Not every girl dreams about being a mom. Sometimes you think you're never going to have kids, and one day you wake up and you're pregnant, and it doesn't matter that your career's going great right now and that you and your husband never even got to go anywhere taped to a dog!

Penny:
You know, I had no idea CalTech is exactly like my high school.

Amy:
Well, it's not exactly like it. You know, we're all extremely smart.

Penny:
Wow. You popular girls are mean.

Penny:
Do they know why the pipe burst?

Amy:
They didn't say.

Leonard:
Buildings that have a combination of copper and galvanised fuel are susceptible to paint holes and corrosion caused by the mobility of ions in the water. [Penny and Amy look at him in disgust] You can't have your head shoved in a toilet as much as I did and not pick up a few things about plumbing.

Amy:
Sheldon, I understand your apprehension, but let me appeal to the scientist in you. Given the five week end date, isn't it the perfect opportunity to consider this an experiment and collect data on our compatibility?

Sheldon:
Don't try luring me in with sexy talk.

Leonard:
Okay, Star Trek: The Original Series, the Enterprise was on a 5-year mission exploring new worlds. Think of this as your personal 5-week mission to do the same.

Sheldon:
If you want to lure me in with sexy talk that's how you do it!

[Leonard looks proud of himself]

Penny:
Don't be proud of that!

Amy:
Okay, well for starters, there's nothing wrong with keeping our toothbrushes in the same holder.

Penny:
Sheldon, what do you say to that?

Sheldon:
I think we should see other people.

Bernadette:
I left my phone downstairs!

Howard:
Dammit, so did I!

Bernadette:
I have my iPad.

Howard:
What are you going to do, email 911?!

Amy:
You know, with us living together, maybe we could think about having people over?

Sheldon:
We have people over all the time. We have the maintenance people, the pizza delivery man, that UPS driver who feels the need to ask how parts of me are hanging.

Amy:
You know what I meant.

Sheldon:
Alright, fine. Let's say that we're to entertain people, what type of gathering did you have in mind? A meal? Lunch, brunch, dinner, afternoon tea? Formal tea? Is it a party? And if so, what kind of party is it? Cocktail party, a Tupperware party? Is it a surprise party? Boy I hope it's not a West Coast party, because according to the man on the radio, "West Coast party don't stop".

Amy:
I'm sorry I mentioned it.

Sheldon:
Oh, don't be. You get your hopes up, I knock them down. That's called teamwork.

Howard:
[after feeling the baby kicking] There's a baby in there!

Bernadette:
Oh yeah, that's where I put it.

Sheldon:
You know, if you like I could call your landlord and complain.

Amy:
Thanks, but you don't have to.

Sheldon:
Oh, I don't mind. I'm very good at complaining. If it were an Olympic Sport I'd complain about what a stupid sport it is, and then I'd take home the gold.

Leonard:
You're awful quiet. Everything okay?

Sheldon:
I'm concerned about Amy. She's acting a bit odd lately.

Howard:
Just out of curiosity, what registers as odd to you?

Raj:
Well I can't eat like a ten year old all the time.

Penny:
You're dating somebody! Who is it?

Sheldon:
And you realize what the next step is.

Amy:
Set up a second culture and try to replicate our results.

Sheldon:
Uh, no. We lock that door, lower our underpants a little, and make a baby.

Amy:
Ever since I met Penny, I've been envious of her looks.

Penny:
Awww. Thank you.

Amy:
That's why I was so happy when you cut your hair off.

Penny:
WHAT?!?

Amy:
You know what I mean. You were still hot, but more like a "Why'd that hot girl cut off all her hair?" hot.

Penny:
[to Leonard] Well, you liked my short hair, right?

Leonard:
Yeah, I... loved it. Love you, love the hair, would love to change the subject.

Penny:
[to the group] Seriously? None of you liked it?

[pause]

Bernadette:
I thought it was brave. Does that count as liking it?

Penny:
You know, how come nobody's talking about Howard's dopey haircut?

Bernadette:
I think he looks cute.

Howard:
I think you're cure.

Raj:
I think you're both cute.

Penny:
I think I hate all of you nerds!

[Leonard brings an injured Sheldon into the apartment]

Sheldon:
[in pain] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

Amy:
What happened?

Sheldon:
I tried to let go of anger, and threw a rock into my foot.

Leonard:
Then, he got more angry and kicked the rock with his other foot.

Penny:
What?! [notices the tissue in Leonard's nostril] And what happened to you?!

Leonard:
Oh, I laughed so hard, I burst a blood vessel in my nose! It's fine!

Amy:
Sheldon, you're being a little selfish. Why don't you let Leonard keep a few things?

Sheldon:
It's not my fault I'm bad at sharing; I skipped kindergarten.

Leonard:
[knocks on the door of 4B] Sheldon, I know what you did, now change the password back.

Sheldon:
[opens the door] Well, powder me in sugar and call me a donut, if it isn't Leonard Hofstadter.

Leonard:
Sheldon, I'm warning you, I can play this game, too.

Sheldon:
If it's like your 3-D chess game, then you're out of your length, width and depth. Amy, get the Neosporin, somebody just got burned.

Leonard:
Alright, I tried.

Sheldon:
"Alright, I tried"? That should be the title of your autobiography. Ooh, a second-degree burn.

Amy:
What is this?

Sheldon:
A functional MRI of my brain. I did Sudoku before they took it so I'd be ripped.

Amy:
I love it. Thank you.

Sheldon:
And it's not just an MRI. The orbitofrontal cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you.

Amy:
What's wrong?

Sheldon:
I'm not sure. Earlier tonight things began organically and now it's feeling forced... like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.

Penny:
[recapping Sheldon's story for Bernadette] They told Mary they were living together, there was a fight, he got his feelings hurt, then he put underwear on his head --

Leonard:
On purpose. Not the way it used to happen in high school.

Sheldon:
I was acting odd intentionally.

Bernadette:
Really? So you can control it?

[Bernadette is upset that Stuart has stopped the baby's crying after she failed.]

Bernadette:
[in tears] How come Stuart can get her to stop crying, but I can't?

Howard:
It's Stuart. Maybe she's playing possum until he goes away.

Bernadette:
Not funny.

Raj:
She's tired. That was funny.

Sheldon:
Leonard, I've been meaning to ask you: What size shoe do you wear?

Leonard:
Why?

Sheldon:
I'm trying to take more of an interest in other people's lives.

Leonard:
That's nice. I wear a size eight-and-a-half.

Sheldon:
[chuckles] That's small. [turn the corner] So tell me do you have any plans for the weekend?

Leonard:
Are you gonna laugh at the answer?

Sheldon:
Only if the answer is "shopping for baby shoes".

Penny:
Hey, can I ask you a question? You've been married for a while. Is it normal for the husband to completely stop giving a crap?

Bernadette:
Uh-oh, what's going on?

Penny:
Well, Leonard used to do all these things, like bring me flowers and wear pants.

Leonard:
So, you're gonna throw me under the bus?

Penny:
I'm gonna throw you so hard, I might actually win a stuffed animal.

Sheldon:
Guys, it sounds like you're getting angry again.

Leonard:
That's because we are.

Sheldon:
YES! I don't need an emotion machine! I AM ONE!

Penny:
So did you wind up sending that machine back?

Sheldon:
I did. You know, I'm not even sure how accurate it was. I took it to the train store, it said everyone was sad.

Bernadette:
[enters the apartment] I finally got Halley to sleep.

Raj:
You know, I just read a study that suggests new mothers are better at sensing emotions for up to two years.

Amy:
It's true. Pregnancy causes physiological changes in the brain that result in increased empathy.

Penny:
Oh, so all we need to do is get Sheldon knocked up.

Leonard:
We can't. He was already fixed when I found him at the shelter.

Sheldon:
Yeah, all right. Bernadette, let's test this theory. What do you think I'm feeling right now?

Bernadette:
Let's see... You're better than us, a little bit sorry for us, but mostly glad you don't have to be us.

Sheldon:
[turns to Howard] Keep filling this one with babies, she's good.

Howard:
Okay. I'm zeroing out the electro-osmotic flow rate in the microfluidic channel.

Leonard:
Nicely done, Howard.

Howard:
Well, my wife is four foot ten and sexually satisfied, so clearly, I know my way around tiny things.

Leonard:
Good for you. On the cutting edge of new technology and still making inappropriate comments about the mother of your child.

Howard:
Those are just the things I say out loud.

Howard:
How'd you even get that up the stairs?

Sheldon:
I said to myself, I think I can, I think I can. And then I couldn't.

Dr. Koothrappali:
You're an adult who can't get by without an allowance from his parents. Women don't want that.

Raj:
What are you saying? That you're giving up on me? What kind of father gives up on his son?

Dr. Koothrappali:
I have six children, five of whom are married and self sufficient. I don't think I'm the problem.

Sheldon:
I'm mapping basic topics of conversation and with whom they can be discussed. I've called these circles zones of privacy. Don't google that unless you want to see pictures of people's genitals.

[Sheldon's looking through Raj's finances]

Raj:
How bad is it?

Sheldon:
Let me put it this way, do you own a barrel and suspenders?

Raj:
Are you serious?

Sheldon:
I'm not wearing this visor to play women's golf.

[Howard walks into the kitchen]

Howard:
How's my favorite girl?

Bernadette:
Good.

Howard:
[hugs Bernadette] Whatcha doing?

Bernadette:
Making lasagna.

Howard:
Oh, she's sexy, she can cook, such a lucky guy.

Bernadette:
You want something stupid or you did something stupid?

Howard:
No! I just walked in here, saw how beautiful you are, and had to tell you.

Bernadette:
Oh dear God, you're cheating on me with Raj. [smiles]

Howard:
[chuckles] That one never gets old.

Penny:
It's like that science thing. For every action you have a gigantic and annoying reaction.

Leonard:
Just when I thought you couldn't get any hotter...

Sheldon:
I spoke with Leonard's mother, and she made me feel better.

Leonard:
I don't know who you talked to, but that wasn't my mother.

Sheldon:
Gentlemen, the most interesting thing just happened with this spoon.

Howard:
Unless it was singing "Be Our Guest," I doubt it.

Amy:
[Enters apartment with her harp] I like harp lessons, but I'm thinking of switching to elevator repair lessons. [Puts down her keys and closes the door] What are you working on?

Sheldon:
I was thinking about your experiment on the neuroscience of decision making, and I realized if we connect it to the measurement problem in quantum mechanics we have a chance to disprove the role of consciousness in the Copenhagen interpretation.

Amy:
Wait, are you saying if we combine my experiment with your calculations, we can determine the precise moment in time when the wave function collapses?

Sheldon:
It could be the most inspired combination since I mixed red Icee into my blue Icee. It was like drinking two-sevenths of the rainbow.

Amy:
Sheldon, this is really interesting.

Sheldon:
Yeah and this one won't stain my teeth purple.

Amy:
Incredible! Sheldon, I didn't expect that you could work on both projects, but I was wrong.

Sheldon:
You know, I felt the same way about the spork? Solids and liquids handled by one utensil, that'll never work. Spoiler? Works.

[Cut to scene of Sheldon in the lab with Howard and Leonard.]

Leonard:
Gotta admit, we didn't think you'd be able to do two things at once.

Sheldon:
You know, I felt the same way about the platypus. Bird and mammal in the same creature, no way! Spoiler? Way.

[Sheldon sneezes]

Penny:
Are you getting sick?

Sheldon:
Of course not! I'm too busy to be sick.

Penny:
Well, you're pretty delicate. Maybe you shouldn't be pushing yourself so hard.

Sheldon:
I'm fine!

Penny:
Alright, well, we'll just pretend that you didn't catch a cold watching Frozen.

Sheldon:
That didn't happen.

Penny:
You also got a nose bleed watching Up.

Sheldon:
Do your laundry!

Howard:
This is supposed to be our family fun day. What's so important on your phone?

Bernadette:
I'm on the daycare's website.

Howard:
Well, stop looking at that. The daycare's great! It's on campus, my office is two minutes away. There's nothing to worry about.

Bernadette:
What if she likes the people who work there more than us?

Howard:
She already likes soap bubbles more than us!

Raj:
Sheldon, what did Amy have that attracted you?

Sheldon:
Oh, so many things. Her mind, her kindness, and especially her body.

Raj:
Really?

Amy:
Relax. We're the same blood type, he knew he could harvest an organ.

Zack:
Penny?

Penny:
Oh, Zack, hey!

Zack:
What are the odds of running into you here?

Penny:
Well, it's a bar, so pretty good.

Amy:
I'm sorry I called you a quitter.

Sheldon:
It's okay. I stopped being upset about that. And no, the irony is not lost on me.

Sheldon:
Wait, so you're just gonna take all the work we've done for the last year and toss us aside?

Col. Richard Williams:
That one I can tell you. Yes.

Howard:
Well, this is all very upsetting.

Williams:
I'm sorry to hear that. As you know, the primary focus of the United States military is people's feelings.

Sheldon:
Wait, if that's sarcasm, please save it for our enemies!

[Leonard, Sheldon and Howard walk into an empty apartment]

Sheldon:
[looks around the empty room] The Air Force did it again! They're erasing our lives!

Leonard:
[looks at the door] Third floor. Wrong apartment.

Howard:
Although, if anyone would clean out your apartment and disappear, it'd be Penny.

Leonard:
She might disappear, but she's definitely not cleaning anything.

Amy:
[over Skype] I gave you one job! Keep an eye on him. How hard is that?

Penny:
We thought you meant not letting him run out into traffic.

Bernadette:
Which he only did once.

Amy:
Why didn't you tell me?

Bernadette:
We didn't want you to worry.

Amy:
Should I worry?

Penny:
No. Come on, it's Sheldon. Nothing is gonna happen.

Amy:
That's what you said to me when I started dating him. And then five years later, bingo-bango, something happened.

Bernadette:
Yeah, but you're gonna be back in three months.

Amy:
You don't get it. I've been smacking that ketchup bottle for a long time. All she's got to do is tip it over and point it at her fries.

Penny:
Well, what do you want us to do?

Amy:
I don't know. Might be the New Jersey talking, but this Nowitzki broad needs to disappear.

Bernadette:
That's ridiculous. As far as we know, all that happened is two scientists had lunch.

Amy:
Yeah, but one of those scientists is a tall, blonde Olympic swimmer.

Penny:
Come on, looks don't matter to Sheldon. [pause] Because he only has eyes for you!

Amy:
Nice try.

Penny:
Thanks, I was scrambling.

Penny:
Okay let's try this. Think of yourself as one of those limited edition toys people like to collect.

Sheldon:
I already do.

Penny:
Well, then you get it.

Sheldon:
[realizing] Oh! Because there's only one of me, I'm more valuable.

Penny:
Right!

Sheldon:
Although, Amy's already taken me out of my package and played with me.

Penny:
.... Let's forget the toy thing, okay?