The Big Bang Theory, Season 1

Sheldon:
[about donating sperm] What if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve?

Leonard:
I'm sure she'll still love him.

Sheldon:
I wouldn't.

Penny:
I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know...

Sheldon:
Yes... it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.

Penny:
Participate in the what?

Leonard:
What he means is that wouldn't be his first guess.

Penny:
Yeah, a lot of people think I'm a water sign.

[Discussing a large box of furniture which they have to take to the fourth floor, with the elevator out of order]

Leonard:
Well, we'll just have to take it up ourselves.

Sheldon:
I hardly think so.

Leonard:
Why not?

Sheldon:
Well, we don't have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.

Leonard:
We don't need strength, we're physicists. We are the intellectual descendants of Archimedes. Give me a lever and a fulcrum and I could move the earth.

[The package starts falling on him]

Leonard:
I don't have this! I don't have this! I DO NOT HAVE THIS!

[Sheldon lifts the package off him]

Sheldon:
Archimedes would be so proud.

Leonard:
Well, do you have any ideas?

Sheldon:
Yeah, but they all involve a Green Lantern and a power ring.

Sheldon:
O Gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.

Leonard:
Hello, Leslie.

Leslie:
Hi, Leonard.

Leonard:
I'd like to propose an experiment...

Leslie:
Goggles, Leonard.

Leonard:
Right. I would like to propose an experiment.

Leslie:
Hang on. I'm trying to see how long it takes a 500-kilowatt oxygen iodine laser to heat up my Cup o' Noodles.

Leonard:
I've done it. About two seconds, 2.6 for minestrone. Anyway, I was thinking more of a bio-social exploration with a neuro-chemical overlay.

Leslie:
Wait, are you asking me out?

Leonard:
I was going to characterize it as the modification of our colleague-slash-friendship paradigm with the addition of a date-like component, but we don't need to quibble over terminology.

Leslie:
What sort of experiment?

Leonard:
There's a generally accepted pattern in this area. I would pick you up. Take you to a restaurant. Then we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock.

Leslie:
Interesting. And would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the biochemical reaction during the good night kiss?

Leonard:
Heart rate, pheromones, et cetera. Yes.

Leslie:
Why don't we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable?

Leonard:
You mean kiss you now?

Leslie:
Yes.

Leonard:
Can you define the parameters of the kiss?

Leslie:
Closed-mouth but romantic. Mint?

Howard:
Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't, would you want me to tell you?

Sheldon:
That depends. When I learn that I'm a robot, will I be able to handle it?

Howard:
Maybe, although the history of science fiction is not on your side.

Sheldon:
Uh, let me ask you this: when I learn that I'm a robot, would I be bound by Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?

Raj:
You might be bound by them right now.

Howard:
That's true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or, through inaction, allowed a human being to come to harm?

Sheldon:
Of course not.

Raj:
Have you ever harmed yourself or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would've been endangered?

Sheldon:
Well, no.

Howard:
I smell robot.

Sheldon:
I've spent the past three-and-a-half years staring at grease boards full of equations; before that, I spent four years working on my thesis; before that, I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade.

Mrs. Cooper:
[in trying to get Sheldon to go apologize to his boss Dr. Gablehauzer] Now listen here, Sheldon, I've been telling you since you were five years old, it's okay to be smarter than everyone else, but you can't go around pointing it out!

Sheldon:
Why not?

Mrs. Cooper:
[sternly] Because people don't like it! Remember all the ass-kickings you used to get from the neighbor kids? Are you ready? Get your shoes, shirt and let's shove off!

Sheldon:
[in a defeated tone of voice] There wouldn't have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death-ray would've worked.

Leonard:
What did Penny mean, "you'd make a cute couple"?

Sheldon:
Well, I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, though somewhat less likely interpretation is that you could manufacture one. As in, "Oh, look, Leonard and Leslie made Mr. and Mrs. Goldfarb! Aren't they adorable?"

Leonard:
If Penny didn't know that Leslie had already turned me down, then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought I should ask her, Leslie, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out; but because she did know that I had asked Leslie out, and that she, Leslie, had turned me down, then she, Penny, could be offering me consolation - "That's too bad, you would have made a cute couple..." - while thinking, "good, Leonard remains available."

Sheldon:
You're a lucky man, Leonard.

Leonard:
How so?

Sheldon:
You're talking to one of the three men in the Western Hemisphere capable of following that train of thought.

Leonard:
Well, what do you think?

Sheldon:
I said I could follow it, I didn't say I cared.

Penny:
Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello.

Leonard:
Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.

[Kurt looking at Sheldon who is dressed as the Doppler Effect]

Kurt:
So what are you, a zebra?

Sheldon:
[to Leonard] Yet another child left behind.

Leonard:
[To Kurt] A Homo habilis just discovering his opposable thumbs says what?

Kurt:
[Confused] What?

Leonard:
[seeing Sheldon trying to sit on the couch where Penny's head is] What are you doing?

Sheldon:
Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter-cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America, and watched Doctor Who.

Leonard:
Penny's still sleeping.

Sheldon:
Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal…

Leonard:
You have a TV in your room. Why don't you just have breakfast in bed?

Sheldon:
Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother's Day.

Leonard:
Sheldon, think this through. You're going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.

Sheldon:
No, I'm going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapons systems.

Leonard:
You're right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact.

Sheldon:
My point.

Sheldon:
I'll have a Diet Coke.

Penny:
Okay, will you please order a cocktail? I need to practice mixing drinks.

Sheldon:
Fine, I'll have a virgin Cuba Libre.

Penny:
That's, um, Rum and Coke without the rum.

Sheldon:
Yes.

Penny:
So, Coke.

Sheldon:
Yes. And would you make it Diet?

Penny:
[sighs] There's a can in the fridge.

Sheldon:
A Cuba Libre generally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.

Penny:
Then swim to Cuba.

Sheldon:
Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.

[Sheldon is singing "L'Chaim" at Penny's bar]

Leonard:
I don't believe it. What's gotten into him?

Penny:
[holding up a bottle of Bacardi] Oh, a couple of virgin Cuba Libres who turned out to be a little bit slutty.

Leonard:
[excited] You didn't!

Penny:
Hey, you do your little experiments, I do mine.

Leonard:
Are there any other honors that I've gotten that I don't know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?

Sheldon:
Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize is the day I begin my research on the drag coefficient of tassels on flying carpets.

Raj:
The only thing missing from that insult was yo mama!

Howard:
I got one. Hey Leonard, yo mama's research methodology's so flawed...

Leonard:
Shut up, Howard! Sheldon, we have to do this.

Sheldon:
No, we don't. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is optional.

Penny:
So, you know, isn't there maybe some way you and Sheldon could compromise on this whole presentation thing?

Leonard:
No. Scientists do not compromise. Our minds are trained to synthesize facts and come to inarguable conclusions. Not to mention Sheldon is bat-crap crazy.

Sheldon:
I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.

Leonard:
What was I supposed to say?

Sheldon:
You could have told her the truth.

Leonard:
That would have hurt her feelings.

Sheldon:
Is that a relevant factor?

Leonard:
Yes.

Sheldon:
Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.

Leonard:
And what would I have said afterwards?

Sheldon:
I would suggest something to the effect of, "Singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a CAT scan to look for a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain.

Leonard:
I couldn't say that. I would have to say, "You were terrific and I can't wait to hear you sing again."

Sheldon:
Why?

Leonard:
That's the social protocol. It's what you do when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at.

Sheldon:
I was not aware of that.

Leonard:
Now you are.

Sheldon:
Oh. Alright. Leonard?

Leonard:
Yes?

Sheldon:
When we played chess earlier, you were terrific, and I can't wait to play you again.

Sheldon:
I was analyzing our lie, and I believe we're in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.

Leonard:
How?

Sheldon:
Simple: If she were to log onto www.socialphysicsgroup.org forward / activities forward / other, click on "Upcoming Events", scroll down to "Seminars", download the PDF schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire.

Sheldon:
Checkmate.

Leonard:
Argh, again?

Sheldon:
Obviously you're not well-suited for three-dimensional chess. Perhaps three-dimensional Candyland would be more your speed.

Sheldon:
Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn't speak any English. When I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said, "Möchtest du eine Darmspülung?"

Penny:
What does that mean?

Sheldon:
Based on what happened next, I assume it means, "Would you like an enema?"

Sheldon:
15 years old-Dennis Kim is 15 years old, and he's already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to-you know-that other guy.

Howard:
Antonio Salieri.

Sheldon:
Oh, God, now even you're smarter than me.

Sheldon:
Engineering-where the semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, Oompa-Loompas of science.

Sheldon:
At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team, and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.

Leonard:
Thanks for the heads up.

Sheldon:
You're welcome. [starts to leave] One more thing.

Leonard:
Yes?

Sheldon:
It's on, bitch.

Leslie:
Hello, Sheldon.

Sheldon:
[looks terrified] Leslie Winkle!

Leslie:
Yeah, Leslie Winkle! The answer to the question, "Who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?".

Sheldon:
Yes, well, I'm polymerized tree sap and you're an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory and adheres to you.

Leslie:
[sarcastically] Ooooh... ouch.

Penny:
[to Leonard] Look, you are a great guy, and it is the things you love that make you who you are.

Howard:
I guess that makes me large breasts..

[Penny comes out to investigate the gang's commotion in the hallway, when Leonard is threatening to throw out his old collectibles]

Penny:
What the hell's going on?

Sheldon:
[Pointing his plastic sword at her accusingly] You hypocrite!

Penny:
What?

Sheldon:
Little miss "Grown-ups don't play with toys." [gestures behind her] If I went into that apartment right now, would I not find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts? [Bends to mockingly address the character] Hello, Hello Kitty!

Leonard:
So, how do you two know each other?

Missy:
Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head.

Leonard:
Excuse me?

Sheldon:
She's my twin sister. She thinks she's funny, but frankly, I've never been able to see it.

Missy:
That's because you have no measurable sense of humor, Shelly.

Sheldon:
How exactly would one measure a sense of humor? A 'humormometer'?

[Missy is leaving and Sheldon is saying goodbye to her.]

Sheldon:
Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. [Puts his hand out for her to shake]

Missy:
Come on, Shelly. [Gives him a hug, which Sheldon does as well.]

Missy:
I want you to know I'm very proud of you.

Sheldon:
Really?

Missy:
Yep. I'm always bragging to my friends about my brother, the Rocket Scientist.

[Sheldon looks in disbelief.]

Sheldon:
You tell people I'm a Rocket Scientist?!

Missy:
Well, yeah.

Sheldon:
I'm a theoretical physicist.

Missy:
What's the difference?

Sheldon:
What's the difference?!

Missy:
Goodbye, Shelly.

Sheldon:
My God! Why don't you just tell them I'm a toll taker at the Golden Gate Bridge! Rocket Scientist, how humiliating!

Leonard:
My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and my being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.

Penny:
That's so silly.

Sheldon:
It's actually based on very sound theories; his mother published a paper on it.

Penny:
What was it called, I Hate My Son and That's Why He Can't Have Cake?

Sheldon:
It was obviously very effective. Leonard grew up to become an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.

Leonard:
Thank you.

Howard:
Well, I love birthdays: waking up to mom's special French Toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends...

Penny:
Yeah! See? That's what kids should have!

Howard:
Actually, that was last year...

Penny:
[on phone] How about this: you keep him there a little longer, and when you get to the party, I'll point out which of my friends are easy.

Howard:
[long pause] Don't toy with me, woman.

Penny:
I've got a hot former fat girl with no self-esteem, I got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around, and an alcoholic who's two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.

Howard:
Thy will be done. [Hangs up, takes out granola bar with peanuts, to which he is allergic, and looks to his crotch] I'm doing this for you, little buddy.

Leonard [while Howard is teaching Sheldon Mandarin] Why are you learning Chinese?

Sheldon:
I believe the Szechuan Palace has been passing off Orange Chicken as Tangerine Chicken, and I intend to confront them.

Leonard:
If I were you, I'd be more concerned about what they're passing off as chicken.

[Penny comes in with an iPod in her hand.]

Penny:
I need to use your window.

Leonard:
Oh yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Penny:
[opening the window and throwing the iPod out of it] HEY JERKFACE, YOU FORGOT YOUR IPOD!:Leonard: [as Penny closes the window and starts to leave] What's going on?

Penny:
Oh, I'll tell you what's going on: that stupid, self-centered bastard [her ex-boyfriend] wrote about our sex life in his blog! [going back to the window and reopening it] DROP DEAD, YOU STUPID, SELF-CENTERED BASTARD! [closing the window] Thank you. [leaves]

Sheldon:
[after a short pause, wanting to go back to the Mandarin lessons] Okay, where were we?

Howard:
[going to the computer] Not now. I have a blog to find.

[Leonard Knocking on Penny's door]

Leonard:
Penny, are you okay?

Penny(voice off):
I'm fine, Leonard, just go away.

Leonard:
Look, I understand that breaking up with someone can be very painful--.

Penny:
GO AWAY!

Leonard:
Okay, feel better, bye. (Goes back to apartment) She doesn't want to talk.

Sheldon:
Not surprising. Penny's emotional responses originate from the primitive portion of the brain known as the Amygdala, while speech is centered in the much more recently developed Neocortex. The former can easily overpower the latter giving scientific credence to the notion of being rendered speechless. (Leonard stares at him.) Or maybe she just doesn't want to talk.

Leonard:
Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang.

Sheldon:
My apologies. What’s your plan?

[Leonard starts rattling the doors violently.]

Sheldon:
It’s just a privilege to watch your mind at work.

Leonard:
Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360, we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.

[Two Girl Scouts arrive carrying bags of cookies. One runs her hand down the intercom, pushing all the buttons. The door is buzzed open.]

Sheldon:
What do you think their combined IQ is?

Leonard:
Just grab the door!

Leonard:
Here comes our new boss. Be polite.

Dr. Eric Gablehauser:
[approaching] Hi, fellas. Eric Gablehauser.

Howard:
[shaking hands] Howard Wolowitz.

Eric:
Howard. Nice to meet you. [turning to Sheldon] And you are?

Sheldon:
[shaking hands] An actual real scientist. [turning to Leonard] How was that?