The Big Bang Theory, Season 8

Sheldon:
Sherlock Holmes always says when you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Now, have-have you tried doing that?

Officer Hernandez:
Nope.

Sheldon:
Well, maybe you should. Th-th-there's lots of books called "Sherlock Holmes" and there's no books called "Officer Hernandez."

Penny:
Look who's back.

Sheldon:
Your hair is different. You changed your hair? I can't take this, I'm out

Sheldon:
I recently read that during World War Two, Joseph Stalin had a research program to create supersoldiers by having women impregnated by gorillas.

Howard:
What a sick use of science.

Raj:
Hey, as long as the baby's healthy.

Amy:
I wonder if Stalin considered any other animals.

Leonard:
Hippos are the deadliest creature. A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass.

Howard:
Yes, but when they're hungry-hungry, you can stop them with marbles.

Sheldon:
Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersolider is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn't be attacked.

Amy:
I'm stimulating the pleasures of this starfish. I just need to turn it off.

Penny:
What happens if you don't?

Amy:
Then I have to sit through lunch knowing this starfish is having a better day than I am.

[Howard gets ready to "pitch" on the game console]

Raj:
You suck Wolowitz!

Howard:
What's that about?

Raj:
I'm heckling you. It's a beloved part of baseball.

Sheldon:
Did you enjoy my lecture?

Amy:
No, and neither did our waiter.

Sheldon:
Well, if you're going to serve Cornish game hen you should either be familiar with the history of Cornwall or be prepared to learn it.

Amy:
It's hard to argue with that. And I know because I saw a sad man with a pepper mill desperately try and fail.

[They enter the apartment]

Penny:
Hey, how was dinner?

Sheldon:
Good, I had Cornish game hen.

Leonard:
Oh, that poor waiter.

Penny:
Hey, I hear you're a dermatologist.

Emily:
Yeah, I'm a resident at Huntington Hospital.

Sheldon:
Oh, I like their emergency room. Even if it turns out you don't have Dengue fever, they still let you take a lollipop.

Howard:
All I know is he's getting my mother buying 4-ply toilet paper. 4-ply! If his butt is so delicate, why doesn't he just use an Angora rabbit?

Sheldon:
For starters, they shed and bite.

Leonard:
Maybe we have lost our focus.

Howard:
It wouldn't kill us to get together and brainstorm ideas.

Raj:
Oooh... We could have one of those retreats.

Leonard:
Like our own science retreat.

Howard:
My cousin has a cabin out in the woods.

Sheldon:
I'm not going to a cabin in the woods. Did you see the movie "Cabin in the Woods"?

Leonard:
Then we'll go to a hotel.

Sheldon:
A hotel? Did you see "The Shining"?

Raj:
We could go up to Big Bend, get a house on the lake.

Sheldon:
Did you see "The Lake House"?

Raj:
Nothing bad happens in "The Lake House".

Sheldon:
Well no, not to them, to me! Time-traveling mail box. The only time that traveled was an hour and a half of my life down the toilet.

Leonard:
Fine, then we'll just stay here and do it.

Sheldon:
Well you didn't suggest a beach house.

Leonard:
You would go to a beach house?

Sheldon:
Good Lord no! Have you seen "Jaws"?

Raj:
Hey.

Howard:
Hey! I didn't think you'd make it.

Raj:
Why not?

Howard:
Well, 'cause you have a steady girlfriend now and we assumed you'd have to stay home to lower the food down to her in the pit.

Raj:
For your information, Emily is working tonight.

Sheldon:
One would assume on getting out of the pit.

Sheldon:
Is "Placed" right?

Leonard:
What do you mean?

Sheldon:
Is "Placed" the right tense for something that would have happened in the future of a past that was affected by something from the future?

Leonard:
"Had will have placed" ?

Sheldon:
That's my boy.

Sheldon:
Are they making fun of us?

Raj:
Yep.

Sheldon:
I miss the old days when I didn’t know.

Raj:
Hey, Sheldon, you busy?

Sheldon:
I'm always busy. This mind is capable of advanced multitasking. You know, currently, I'm attempting to solve the Penrose conjecture, I'm composing my Nobel acceptance speech for when I've solved the Penrose conjecture, and I'm wondering how mermaids have babies.

Raj:
Don't they lay eggs on a rock?

Sheldon:
Now I've got room for another thing.

Amy:
Bernadette is a successful microbiologist. She should be celebrated for her achievements, not her looks. I mean, what kind of message does that send?

Penny:
I think the message is, "Check out the rack on that scientist!"

Sheldon:
Leonard! Where are your social skills? This man is clearly upset! We should invite him in for a hot beverage.

Leonard:
He tried to score with Penny.

Sheldon:
[points at Howard and Raj] So have these two and they're having dinner with us.

Leonard:
You know, if you're not gonna learn how to do this, they make some pretty good clip-ons.

Sheldon:
Bruce Wayne doesn't wear a clip-on.

Leonard:
Bruce Wayne doesn't make his roommate tie it for him.

Sheldon:
His name is Alfred, and, yes, he does.

Amy:
Sheldon, there's something else I've been wanting to say, but before I do, I just... I want you to know that you don't have to say it back. I know you're not ready, and I don't want you to say it just because social convention dictates...

Sheldon:
I love you, too.

Amy:
You said it.

Sheldon:
There's no denying I have feelings for you that can't be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite. But that seems even more far-fetched. The only conclusion was love.

[Sheldon holds a card with "Tesla" written on it to his forehead]

Amy:
This is an easy one. You love this guy.

Sheldon:
Me!

Amy:
C'mon, he's an under-appreciated genius...

Sheldon:
Still think it's me.

Amy:
It's not you. Now think! There's a car named after him.

Sheldon:
Of course there is. The Mini Cooper, 'cause it's me.

Amy:
How about this? He's a poor man's Sheldon Cooper.

Sheldon:
Oh, Tesla.

Leonard:
Buddy, I get that you're worried about me and I appreciate that, but I'm not going to die.

Sheldon:
You don't know that.

Leonard:
Well... I do know that it won't be from an asteroid strike.

Sheldon:
You know who else said that? Every cocky T. Rex currently swimming around in the gas tank of your car.

Leonard:
[While going through Professor Abbott's work] What if... what if this is the thing that would've finally let him open that bottle of champagne?

Raj:
Maybe he didn't know what to pair champagne with. Strawberries, caviar, oysters. All good choices. [Leonard looks at him] Yeah, that look right there is why people eat before they come to your parties.

Sheldon:
I'd like to take a moment to personally thank Doctor Amy Farah-Fowler, who you may know or not know is the first woman to co-host a flag or banner related internet entertainment show.

Amy:
[to the camera] Take that glass ceiling.

Leonard:
You know what I love about the clean room? No allergies. [Takes deep breath] Whoa! That's a lot of oxygen.

Bernadette:
[Was singing to "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" when Sheldon turns off the radio] Why did you turn it off?

Sheldon:
Because in the last ten minutes, Santa Claus came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I have a drunk uncle who did all those things and no one sings songs about him.

Bernadette:
Well, maybe it would help if you thought of him as a superhero whose superpower is bringing joy to children.

Sheldon:
My uncle did that too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.

Leonard:
Bad news. There's no signal.

Sheldon:
Well, there were plenty of things to do before cell phones. I'll look them up. [Pulls out phone before realizing] Son of a biscuit!

Leonard:
Just let it go.

Sheldon:
What kind of store doesn't have wifi? I'm calling their corporate offices - Son of a biscuit!

Sheldon:
I have excellent peripheral vision... On a good day I can see my ears.

Sheldon:
I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but when a mouse completes a test, it gets rewarded with a food pellet.

Amy:
It also gets its brain plucked out with a tweezer.

Sheldon:
And its last meal is a food pellet? You're a monster

[Leonard is disturbed from his sleep and comes out to find Sheldon working away while listening to a loud racket]

Leonard:
[shouting above the noise, but he'd be shouting regardless] What is going on!?

Sheldon:
Oh, I need to keep my anxiety at the right level, so I'm using Darth Vader, The Joker and Godzilla's roar to keep me in that sweet spot. I tried including Taylor Swift into the mix, but it turns out I love her!

Leonard:
A-at least listen to it through headphones, I'm trying to sleep. Goodnight!

[he leaves]

Sheldon:
Boy... [stops the audio to put his headphones in] Taylor was right. Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate.

Sheldon:
I've never thought I'd ever get the chance to give you this. Good job. [Puts a sticker on Leonard's shirt]

Leonard:
You're giving me a sticker?

Sheldon:
Not just a sticker. It has a kitten that says "Me-wow!"

Leonard:
I'm not a kindergartner.

Sheldon:
All right, I'll take it back.

Leonard:
Hey, I earned this, back off!

Raj:
I hate how mean everyone is on the internet.

Howard:
The anonimity makes people feel they can say things they'd never say to someone's face.

Sheldon:
That's funny. I never have any trouble saying what I think to someone's face.

[The group are preparing Stuart's Comic Book Store for its reopening. It is a tense affair, as Penny has found out that Amy and Sheldon have been testing Chimpanzee puzzles on her, Howard has discovered that his mother, before going to visit her sister in Florida, had loaned Stuart some of her furniture for his store, and Sheldon, having found out that Amy provided Kripke with mathematical assistance, is trying to grasp the concept of letting things go. Leonard is conversing with Penny]

Leonard:
I can't believe they did that.

Penny:
I know, it's so insulting. At one point, they had me figure out how to get a banana out of a puzzle box!

Leonard:
Wait... Sheldon gave me a banana in a puzzle box. He was testing me too!

Penny:
Unbelievable.

Leonard:
And how could a chimp even solve that? That was impossible.

Penny:
Really? You couldn't get it out?

[Amy and Sheldon knock on the door. Raj lets them in, and Sheldon thanks him. Leonard and Penny get up and advance on them at once]

Amy:
Wow, the store looks great -

Leonard:
So you were testing us both? What is the matter with you?

Penny:
What's the matter with them is they think they're so smart, they don't care if they hurt other people's feelings!

Amy:
That isn't true!

Sheldon:
[concurrently] That sounds like us. [Amy looks at him in irritation] I still don't understand why you're upset. You solved every puzzle faster than all of the chimps.

Amy:
Well, except Barnabus, but he was on Adderall.

[Howard and Bernadette come in from the back room, mid-conversation]

Howard:
...I'm sorry, but it's making me crazy.

Bernadette:
Can you please just let it go?

Sheldon:
Ooh, I can help you with that. Imagine you're holding an ordinary pen - while your favourite pen is safe and secure in your pocket.

[Howard's phone rings]

Howard:
Hold that thought. [goes off to answer it in the next room] Hello?

Amy:
[To Leonard and Penny] How can I make this up to you?

Penny:
[angrily putting both fists together] The answer is in this puzzle box, let's see if you can open it!

[She and Leonard walk away, while Bernadette goes to Stuart]

Bernadette:
You could have at least warned him about the furniture.

Raj:
That's what I said when we moved it!

Bernadette:
You helped him!?

Raj:
[sarcastically] No. Stuart picked up those three pillows all on his own.

[Howard returns from his phone call, looking visibly shaken]

Leonard:
Hey, you okay?

Howard:
[in a dazed voice] No...

Leonard:
What's wrong?

Howard:
...My mom died.

[All heads turn towards him in shock]

Bernadette:
What!?

Howard:
That was my aunt. Ma took a nap and... She never woke up.

Bernadette:
[beginning to cry] Oh my God, Howie...

[She embraces him, while the rest of the group solemnly gather round, Penny visibly looking on the verge of tears as well]

Leonard:
I'm so sorry.

Raj:
What can we do?

Howard:
I don't know...

[He sits down in an armchair and buries his face in his hands]

Sheldon:
May I say something?

Leonard:
[sadly] Not right now, Sheldon.

Sheldon:
But I think it would be comforting.

Leonard:
Buddy -

Howard:
It's okay... [looks up at him] What?

Sheldon:
When I lost my own father, I didn't have any friends to help me through it. You do.

[Howard gives him a weak smile, while the others remain in shocked silence, both from the news and the fact that Sheldon has said something genuinely supportive]

Penny:
[breaking down] I really thought he was gonna say "let it go."

Bernadette:
You'd better find my husband's mother, 'cause one way or another, we're walkin' out of this airport with a dead woman!

Penny:
Question one: Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

Sheldon:
Hmm. Living or dead?

Penny:
Just says "anyone in the world." Guess that means living.

Sheldon:
Oh, that's just as well. As much as I'd love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof, he probably wore sandals, and I cannot look at toes during dinner. Oh, I know! The person I'd most like to have dinner with is myself.

Penny:
You sure that's your choice? 'Cause I've had that dinner.

Sheldon:
Well, I haven't. And while they say never meet your heroes, I just don't see how I could disappoint. Who would you choose?

Penny:
Robert Downey Jr.

Sheldon:
You... Oh! I didn't think of Iron Man. You know, maybe after myself and I have dinner, we can meet you two for dessert

Leonard:
Why a turtle?

Sheldon:
After much deliberation, we've determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don't shed fur. They don't make noise.

Amy:
For Halloween, we can dress him as a cobble stone.

Sheldon:
And, if he ever goes beserk, I know I can out run him. Coincidentally that's also why I chose you as a roommate.

Sheldon:
I'm exceedingly smart. I graduated college at fourteen. While my brother was getting an STD, I was getting a Ph.D. Penicillin can't take this away.

Howard:
Oh, man. This is the boutonnière from my high school prom. A piece of cake from my Bar Mitzvah.

Bernadette:
Did she throw anything away?

Howard:
No. If I find my foreskin, I'm gonna kill myself.

Penny:
I don't think I've eaten that much in my entire life.

Howard:
That's why my people wandered the desert for forty years. Took that long to walk it off.

Sheldon:
What do you say to a graduate of the U.C. Berkeley Physics Department? I'll have fries with that. Because his education hasn't prepared him for a career in the sciences.

Amy:
Ooh, you just chose champions. It's like we're re-enacting the ancient German practice of trial by combat.

Penny:
It's also like when the Mountain fought the Red Viper in Game of Thrones.

Bernadette:
Leonard makes you watch that, too?

Penny:
No, I like that show. It's got dragons and people doing it.

Leonard:
Well, you can spend the rest of the day being bitter about this--

Sheldon:
Agreed.

Leonard:
I was going to say "or," but why bother?

Amy:
What are we doing? This is a fort. Let's sit on the floor.

Sheldon:
Roughing it? Okay. [sits on floor. Gasps] Everything looks so big from down here. This must be how Leonard feels.

Sheldon:
[singing] The itsy bitsy spider is not an insect at all. Because it has eight legs and two body parts.

Leonard:
That's pretty cool, Sheldon.

Sheldon:
Thank you. Do either of you know Beyoncé? I’d love her to get behind it.

Penny:
[knock, knock, knock] Sheldon! [knock, knock, knock] Sheldon! [knock, knock, knock] Sheldon! [Sheldon opens the door, smirking, and she grins at him]

Sheldon:
I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one, you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it.

Penny:
Yeah, I kind of want to do it again.

Sheldon:
I don't recommend it, you'll be doing it the rest of your life.

Sheldon:
Aren't you afraid of being blinded?

Leonard:
How would I be blinded?

Sheldon:
At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It's all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.

Leonard:
I'll take my chances.

Sheldon:
Fine. I wonder if they make "I told you so" cards in Braille.

Sheldon:
Won't that void the warranty?

Howard:
Sheldon, I have a masters degree in engineering. I wipe my bottom with warranties. Except for Apple Care. That pays for itself in the long run.

Mary:
Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense.

Sheldon:
What did they feed the lions, Mother?

Mary:
The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course.

Mary:
When your mom gets back, I'm gonna need to apologize for the way I spoke to her.

Penny:
Well, come on, she did kinda start it.

Mary:
Doesn't matter. A good Christian would have turned the other cheek. On the other hand, a good Texan would have shot her, so I'll just split the difference.

Amy:
Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed, while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch?

Sheldon:
Irony's not really my strong suit.

Sheldon:
[Skyping with Amy] I've been thinking a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be, and I think...

Amy:
I've been thinking about them, too, Sheldon. Being your girlfriend is so challenging. Emotionally, physically. I've been incredibly patient for years.

Sheldon:
Strongly disagree. Go on.

Amy:
Okay, well... this isn't easy to say, because I love you, but...I need some time to take a step back and reevaluate our situation.

Sheldon:
[speechless] Oh.

Amy:
I hope you understand.

Sheldon:
Okay.

Amy:
Bye, Sheldon.

[She ends the session. Sheldon shuts his laptop and looks at a statue of Gollum.]

Sheldon:
Well, Gollum...you're an expert on rings. [Opens drawer and picks up an engagement ring in a box] What do I do with this one?