The Brady Bunch, Season 1

Alice:
I don't blame you for being nervous, Mr. Brady. This is a very important Saturday.

Mike:
[puts sugar into his coffee] Why should I be nervous? What makes you think I'm nervous?

Alice:
It's the first time I ever saw you take twenty-one spoons of sugar.

Mike:
[pauses] I like it sweet.

Carol:
[on the phone] Im sorry Mike. Cindy thought there are real butterflies in my stomach.

Mike:
You're lucky if you only get butterflies. I've got six flying saucers in mine. And you're right.

Carol:
[stressed, hair undone, in the middle of using make up] How could you girls sit there and say I look beautiful?

Cindy:
Because we love you.

Peter:
[to Mike] I once saw a movie where a man was getting married. He was so nervous he forgot to put his pants on.

Bobby:
[looks under the table] You're OK, dad.

Peter:
[to Carol, about Mike] This morning he put 21 spoons sugar into the coffee

Mike:
You're exaggerating.

Bobby:
But he didn't forget his pants.

Desk clerk:
Oh, Mr. Brady, you have signed this Mr. Brady, Mrs. Brady and family.

Mike:
Hmm, I forgot. It's force of habit. Kids aren't with us.

Desk clerk:
But you did ask for the honeymoon suite.

Carol:
Oh, it's quite alright Mr. Pringle. You see …

Mike:
[interrupts her] It's quite alright darling. No need to explain. It's obvious that this gentleman doesn't dig the modern generation.

Mike:
How would you girls like to come along with us?

Jan:
On your honeymoon?

Carol:
That's right.

Cindy:
Alright. I've never been on a honeymoon.

Jan:
Neither have I, and I am older than you are.

Bobby:
Wow, I'd love to go on a honeymoon. What should I take?

Greg:
A girl, dummy!

Cindy:
You cheated.

Bobby:
I did not. And besides: You didn't see me.

Cindy:
I did too!

Carol:
I don't hear anything

Mike:
What's the matter with that?

Carol:
Six kids and no noise. That's what's the matter with that… I've never heard such a loud silence.

Alice:
If there's anything I can't stand, it's a perfect kid. And six of them...YEECH!

Cindy:
[upon finding out it's another family] I sure am glad we're not Harry Hopeless!

Alice:
Anyone offering a trip to Europe for the right answer?

Alice:
Look who gets to go.

Cindy:
[takes off blindfold] Brazil!

Cindy:
[as she picks off flower petals] Eenie, Meenie, Mommy, Daddy.

Carol:
It's just not gonna be the same without Alice.

Mike:
Well, we can't make her stay. Abraham Lincoln put a stop to that.

Carol:
I'm afraid we were going to get rid of daddy!

Mike:
Well then?

Greg:
We're sick of doing all these things.

Peter:
Do this, do that, they're a real pain.

Bobby:
Yeah, they're too bossy.

[Cindy's doll has gone missing and she blames Bobby]

Greg:
Come on, Bobby, you can tell us.

Bobby:
What?

Peter:
Where did you hide Cindy's doll?

Bobby:
I didn't hide it, like I told Mom.

Peter:
Honest?

Bobby:
Honest.

Greg:
Would you swear to it? The sacred oath?

Bobby:
Even the sacred oath.

Peter:
Boy, that proves he didn't take it. No sir!

[In girls' room]

Marcia:
Are you sure Bobby took her?

Cindy:
Sure I am, he said he hated Kitty!

Jan:
I heard him say it lots of times.

Cindy:
And she doesn't even have her bottle, she'll starve to death!

Marcia:
Come on. (takes Cindy's hand)

Cindy:
Where are we going?

Marcia:
We're gonna get that doll back.

Jan:
Yeah. (They leave for boys' room)

[Back in boys' room]

Peter:
If Bobby didn't take it, Cindy shouldn't say he did.

Greg:
Right. Come on, she can't accuse him and get away with it. (They leave for girls' room)

[Girls enter the boys' room]

Marcia:
Bobby, you give Kitty back or... (they realize room is empty)

[Boys enter the girls' room]

Greg:
Now listen here, Cindy, you... (they realize room is empty, Greg turns towards the open bathroom door) Come on.

[The children meet in the bathroom]

Marcia:
Bobby, you give Kitty back!

Greg:
You stop picking on him!

Jan:
What did you do with her?

Peter:
He didn't do anything with her!

Cindy:
He did too!

Bobby:
I did not!

Marcia:
You did so!

Greg:
He did not so!

Marcia:
Oh yeah?

Greg:
Yeah!

[Mike and Carol enter]

Mike:
Hey, hey, hey, what's going on in here?

[The kids argue]

Mike:
Hold it! Will somebody fill me in?

Carol:
Well, Cindy's doll is missing, and the girls think Bobby took it.

Mike:
Well, Bobby?

Bobby:
I didn't take it!

Marcia:
He did too!

Greg:
He did not!

[The kids argue]

Mike:
Hut! Alright, everybody into his room, come on, hurry up!

[The kids all leave for their respective rooms]

Greg:
Bobby didn't take the doll, he didn't do it!

Mike:
Quiet. (shuts the boys' room door)

[Mike is explaining circumstantial evidence]

Bobby:
Circum-special?

Mike:
No, circumstantial. It means things look different than they really are.

Cindy:
You mean like when a lady puts on false eyelashes?

[After the mock trial, Greg and Bobby are playing baseball outside]

Greg:
Harder.

Greg:
Come on, Bobby, burn it in.

[Mike and Carol arrive home]

Mike:
Hey, Greg's playing with Bobby. That little talk about fair play seems to have done some good.

Greg:
Hey, dad.

Mike:
Yes?

Greg:
Would you burn some in for me? Bobby can't even dit my glove.

Mike:
Maybe later, Greg. Why don't you ask Peter? He's a good pitcher.

Greg:
Yeah, a good pitcher, but a rotten jury. Come on, Bobby.

Carol:
What's that all about?

Mike:
Don't ask me, I only live here.

Bobby:
Now let's see, if I was a doll, where would I go?

Greg:
To me, sweetheart!

Bobby:
Well I guess women are okay for somethings.

(The Bradys will all go on their first camping trip together)

Marcia:
But mother, us on a camping trip? We've told you it's way worse than death!

Jan:
Do you expect me to sleep in a tent?

Cindy:
With wild animals?

Carol:
Girls, we're not going to Africa. We're just going camping.

Marcia:
And camping is for boys!

Carol:
Camping is for boys and girls. Why, it's so much fun falling asleep on the ground.

Jan:
On the ground, all those beetles are crawling around. Yuck!

Cindy:
Yeah, yuck!

Carol:
Why, you haven't got the faintest idea how delightful it is out there under the stars, being lulled to sleep by the sound of crickets, and then awakening in the morning to the smell of bacon frying over an open fire.

Marcia:
How many times have you been camping, Mom?

Carol:
Well, never, but I've heard about it.

Jan:
And I've heard about it, too, and you can count me out. (collapses on the bed)

Carol:
You are counted in, young lady. We have three new brothers and a new father, and if they like camping, we like camping. Now, there'll be no more discussion about it; the decision has been made.

Marcia:
Hi and bye, small fry.

Peter:
I'm sorry, I won't tell anybody!

Greg:
Won't tell what?

Peter:
I told you, I can't tell you! I promised Bobby, the only reason he told me is, cause I'm his brother.

Greg:
Well, so am I, dummy!

Bobby:
Nobody said goodbye to me or anything, and I didn't think they cared.

Carol:
Oh sweetheart, everybody cares. And I bet you your baseball cards you can't guess who cares the most.

Bobby:
You? (Carol nods) Even though I'm only a step?

Carol:
Listen, the only steps in this house are those (shows Bobby the stairs), the ones that lead up to your bedroom. So how about marching right back up there?

Bobby:
Hey Dad, Mom and me are back home again!

Mike:
Good, cause that's where you both belong!

Alice:
You're guaranteed to be cured in 24 hours.

Carol:
24 hours!!?

Alice:
Unless you break out in a rash. Then you take it off.

Peter:
[to Alice] You can't throw the turkey away, it's got my favorite dressing.

Cindy:
He's better than a doctor, he's Santa Claus!

Greg:
Now, don't let the girls catch you hiding these.

Bobby:
If they catch me, should I eat the present?

Peter:
Eat it! [to Greg] He's been watching too many of those spy programs.

Carol:
Oh Alice, have you seen the thermometer?

Alice:
Well lets see, the last time used was with the roast beef.

Greg:
It's sure great how some people can sing while other people are dying!

Alice:
You got everything here?

Carol:
Well, I think so. 6 luncheon trays, 5 comic books, 4 jigsaw puzzles,...

[to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas] 3 magic tricks,

2 ice cream bars,...

Carol and Mike:
And one cow bell!

Peter:
What's a 5-letter word for exhaustion?

Alice:
Alice!

[Greg complains about his lunch]

Mike:
That's a feast fit for a king!

Greg:
Well then give it to the king and give me some baloney!

Marica:
Gentlemen...if you don't like the conversation in this room....

Jan:
Which by-the-way happens to be a WOMAN'S room....

Marcia:
True! Then you can simply VAMOOSE!

Jan:
Scram!

Carol:
Oh, Mike! Why don't we just put it off until you decide which doctor?

Mike:
At this point I'd SETTLE for a witch doctor.

[Someone makes a comment about taking Jan's boat]

Jan:
Who cares? I get seasick, anyway.

Jan:
you know who has the biggest mouth in the whole wide world next to you?

Cindy:
who?

Jan:
NOBODY!

Cindy:
Me first!

Bobby:
Why you?

Cindy:
'Cause I'm a lady!

Bobby:
Aaaawwhhhh.

Cindy:
I am a lady, if you say I'm not, I'll bop you!

Carol:
[to Beebe after Bobby and Cindy's fight ends up in her being squirted in the face with a squirt gun] ...they didn't mean any harm...!

Beebe:
Neither did Frankenstein!

Alice:
[who has just tripped] My foot played a game of Chinese checkers...and lost.

Greg (to Mike):
Dad, I hate to interrupt you while you're on the phone, but...

Mike (while on the phone with Carol):
No, no, honey. Listen, I mean it. I really mean it.

Greg:
Peter's t-shirt got stuck in the vacuum.

Mike (makes a confused look over Greg's shoulder.

Carol (through the phone):
What's all the commotion about?

Mike:
Um, nothing. Me and the kids are just playing, that's all.

Greg:
Peter's in the t-shirt!

Mike:
What?

Marcia:
[about her braces] Tell me the honest truth. Do I look funny?

Cindy:
Of course not, Marcia. You look beautiful.

Jan:
Thanks, Cindy!

Cindy:
But how do you get the toothpaste through all that barbed wire?

Jan:
[when Cindy is about to go into the bathroom] Marcia's in there.

Cindy:
Daddy said to act natural--and I always barge in on Marcia when she's in the bathroom!

Alan:
I can't take you to the dance.

Marcia:
Why not?

Alan:
Well, my parents are going out of town.

Marcia:
So what?

Alan:
I have to go with them.

Marcia:
I don't believe you. You just don't want to be seen with a girl who has braces, like I do now. I hate you, Alan Anthony. I hate EVERYBODY!

Alice:
[to the deliveryman] You keep calling me sweetie, gorgeous & beautiful, and I'll follow you anywhere!

Jason:
Sorry, I can't make it. I have my piano lessons.

Peter:
I didn't know you knew how to play the piano.

Jason:
I don't. That's why I gotta take lessons.

Marcia:
[Marcia lost her Diary and is accusing one of the boys of taking it] Okay, if you hand it right over, I won't press charges

Greg:
What are you talking about?

Marcia:
As if you didn't know.

Peter:
Bobby, do you know what she's talking about?

Bobby:
No. Greg, do you know what she's talking about?

Greg:
No. Marcia, do you know what you're talking about?

Marcia:
I certainly do! Someone in this room took my diary.

Greg:
Your diary, you mean you actually keep one of those stupid things?

Bobby:
What's a diary?

Peter:
It's a book, that you write things in, that you don't want anyone else to read.

Bobby:
Why?

Greg:
So, you could write stuff like...

Greg:
[Greg then sits at his desk imitating Marcia writing in her diary] "Dear diary, at last I met him, my dream man. It was at the delicatessen and our fingers tingled as we reached for the same potato salad."

Carol:
[about the first strange noise] WHAT was that?

Alice:
It sounded like a cow died in the driveway.

Carol:
[about the strange noises] It's probably just the wind against the shutters.

Alice:
That would be a good guess, Mrs. Brady... if there was a wind... or we had shutters.

Mrs. Hunsacker:
You folks sure pick a strange time of the year to celebrate Halloween.

Bert Grossman:
[trying to explain the strange noises] It was probably just the wind through the willow grove.

[the noises start again]

Mrs. Hunsacker:
That was no wind through a willow grove.

Bert Grossman:
Would you believe steeple chimes?

[During the re-enactment of the locket's disappearance; Bobby got back in bed]

Bobby:
Can I spit out my toothpaste?

Greg:
Why didn't you spit it out in the bathroom?

Bobby:
You said we had to just what we did before. I didn't spit then now cause I didn't spit then. And you know somethin'?

Greg:
What?

Bobby:
It's hard to talk with your mouth full of toothpaste.

Peter:
The suspense is killing me!

Bobby:
So is the toothpaste!