The Brady Bunch, Season 4

Peter:
That's Diamond Head, dumb head.

Peter:
Bad luck, come and get me.

[Jan introduces her new friend Kerry Hathaway to Peter, who is instantly lovestruck]

Peter:
Pleased to meet me.

Greg:
How would you like to get Kerry back? Now listen, I-

Peter:
I don't trust you, you stole my girl!

Greg:
I did not steal your girl.

Peter:
You did.

Bobby:
If you guys are starting that again, I'm getting out of here.

(Jan is mad at her siblings)

Jan:
If I were an only child, I wouldn't have any phony brothers and sisters! Who needs you?!

Greg:
You mean that, Jan?

Jan:
You're right, I sure do!

Greg:
Well, if that's what you want, I'm sure it can be arranged. Right, you guys? (Marcia, Peter, Bobby and Cindy agree)

Peter:
You just lost yourself five brothers and sisters!

Marcia:
And you can have the whole house to yourself.

Jan:
Great!

Cindy:
For us, too!

Greg:
As far as you're concerned, we don't even exist.

Bobby:
Yeah, we're not even here!

Greg:
Consider us invisible! Come on, gang, let's disappear. (Everybody but Jan leaves)

(The boys return)

Peter:
What are we leaving for?

Bobby:
Yeah, this is our room!

(Jan leaves, Greg slams the door after her)

(Jan prepares to leave for the library, Marcia stops her)

Marcia:
Hey, just a minute, you!

Jan:
What? (Marcia yanks her sweater back) What do you think you're doing?

Marcia:
That's my sweater!

Jan:
So what? I always borrow your sweater!

Marcia:
Well, not any more. You no longer have a sister named Marcia, and if there's no Marcia, there's no Marcia's sweater.

Carol:
Okay, kids, okay.

Marcia:
Mom, we made a deal, remember?

Carol:
Yes, I remember.

Marcia:
And I'm sticking to it.

Carol:
Jan, do you want to stick to it?

Jan:
Yes!

Marcia:
Fine. I'll just take my invisible sweater and (snaps fingers) vanish. (leaves)

Jan:
That's not fair!

Carol:
I'm afraid it is, honey, you can't have it both ways. So long. (Jan leaves)

Bobby:
Name, please. Last name first.

[Bobby, as the new school hall monitor, had reported Cindy for an infraction and she's angry with him]

Cindy:
(Takes a slice of cheese from the fridge and throws it on Bobby's plate) Here!

Bobby:
What's the cheese for?

Cindy:
For you! All rats eat cheese! (leaves angrily)

(Cindy is explaining her predicament to Carol)

Cindy:
And he wrote down the names, even mine!

Carol:
But that's his job, sweetheart.

Cindy:
Yes, but I'm his very own sister!

Carol:
Well, that doesn't give you any special privileges. The same rules apply to you that apply to anyone else.

Cindy:
(angrily) I don't see why they should.

Carol:
Let me see... I'll try to explain it to you this way. Let's say that Bobby was a policeman, and I drove through a red light. Accidentally, of course. Well, I would expect him to give me a ticket.

Cindy:
Your own son?

Carol:
Absolutely.

Cindy:
Boy, if I ever had a son who was a policeman and he gave me a ticket, I'd give him a spanking!

[Bobby comes in, Cindy leaves angrily]

Bobby:
I guess she was complaining about me.

Carol:
You guessed right.

Bobby:
And I guess you took her side.

Carol:
You guessed wrong.

Bobby:
You didn't?

Carol:
No. Well, Cindy didn't like it, but you were just doing your duty.

[Bobby leaves]

Carol:
I wonder if he really would give me a ticket.

[Carol and Alice find Bobby in a sea of foam from the overflowing washing machine]

Carol:
What were you doing?

Bobby:
Washing my clothes.

Alice:
You're supposed to take your clothes off before you washed them!

(Epilogue:
The Bradys are getting the boat ready)

Carol:
Hey, where's Bobby?

Mike:
I thought he was here, he- (Bobby arrives in very tight slacks he ruined in the washing machine earlier)

Greg:
(laughing) Where did you get those?

Jan:
That's tighter than your skin!

Bobby:
Mom told me to wear something that wouldn't matter if it got dirty or wet.

Alice:
Aren't those his good pants?

Carol:
Those were his good pants. Listen, Bobby, next time before you wash something, will you check the label where it says "dry clean only"?

(Jan had signed the kids up for an amateur show to raise money for their parents' anniversary present)

Greg:
(laughs) Jan, you dingaling! We got about as much chance on getting on that show, and winning first prize, and getting the money as we do of robbing a bank!

Bobby:
(suggestively) Hey!

Greg:
Forget it.

Marcia:
Something suddenly came up.

Marcia:
[to Bobby and Peter] Hey, you guys... [her nose gets hit by the football] OH! My nose!

Carol:
[to Cindy] You shouldn't put down a loser, Cindy, because you might be one yourself someday. Just remember that.