The Chaser's War On Everything, Season 1 (2006)

Andrew Hansen:
Well, I went to one of those two dollar shops the other day. Loved it. Everything's two dollars, how can you possibly resist? I immediately bought this road sign with a platypus on it.

Andrew:
Hats that cost two dollars sell themselves, I think.

Andrew Hansen as the Surprise Spruiker:
[In front of an Armani store.] Boutique, boutique, boutique bargains! Here today at Giorgio Armani's. Men's suits, ties, leisurewear, from as little as $5000 a piece! Come on in and grab a bargain! That's right shoppers, it's thousand dollar madness!

Road to Turin

Announcer:
Based in rural Western Australia, the pair lives 400 kilometers from the nearest rink, and is forced to rehearse their routines wearing socks on a slippery surface.

Chris Taylor:
Coming up to your triple Axel now. [He attempts to spin Andrew, but throws him into a wall.] Oh. Sorry. We ran out of corridor.

Andrew:
Chris and I have been skating for, oh gosh, how long has it been now?

Chris:
Oh, about two weeks.

Andrew:
Two weeks or something. We hadn’t even set foot on the ice until, um…

Chris:
Today.

Andrew:
Chis, mate, I think I’ve torn my tutu.

Chris:
I think what Steven Bradbury showed us is that if you work hard enough and if you believe in yourself strongly enough, and if every other skater completely fucks up, then there’s no reason why we too can’t be Olympic gold medalists.

Brokeback Mountain:
Christian Edition

Chris (Jack):
Hey, what are you doing?

Andrew (Ennis):
I’m just trying to reach my bible.

Chris (Jack):
Your bible?

Andrew (Ennis):
Yeah.

Chris (Jack):
Oh, my God, really?

Andrew (Ennis):
Well, I’ve got one too.

Andrew (Ennis):
I need to see you ‘gain, Jack. I need to discuss Paul’s second epistle to the Corinthians.

Andrew Hansen:
Well, over the last few weeks you may have seen me in the role of Mr Ten Questions, uh, that’s where I approach celebrities and ask them a series of, um… er… how many questions was it again?

Julian Morrow:
Ten. Ten.

Andrew:
Thank you. Ten questions.

Chris Taylor:
Craig, I’m not myself tonight.

Craig Reucassel:
What’s wrong?

Chris:
I’m going out of my mind. I’m cracking up.

Craig:
What is it?

Chris:
Well, you know how there’s that new show on Channel Ten called ‘Everybody Hates Chris’? Every time I see its name on billboards or in TV guides, it really makes me paranoid. I think it’s always referring to me. I think everybody hates me.

Craig:
Don’t be paranoid, Chris, everyone does hate you.

Chris:
Get stuffed.

Craig:
What events have we got coming up tonight?

Chris:
Well, it’s all eyes on the pool as Libby Lenton and… [He notices the background pic has changed to a guy wearing an ‘I hate Chris’ sign.] Get stuffed! Get stuffed! Do your news segment on your own, guys.

Julian Morrow:
Oh, well. Look, it’s a fair point, I reckon.

Craig:
I know I hate him.

Road to Melbourne

Chris:
Yeah, we get a bit of grief from our mates about it, but we don’t see the sport as unmasculine at all.

Andrew Hansen:
Chris, could you help me put my glitter on, mate?

The Credits Song

Andrew Hansen:

The White Stripes - Now My Clothes Are Pink

Andrew Hansen:

Comedy Songs On TV

Andrew Hansen:

Hill$ong

Andrew Hansen:

Narrator:
Here at last on CD - Shakespeare's most treasured sonnets and soliloquies as recited by Detective Superintendent Clive Pugh. Including selections from 'Hamlet'...

Clive (Chris Taylor):
"To be or not to be, that is the question at this point in time."

Narrator:
'Julius Caesar'...

Clive:
"Friends, Romans, or persons of Mediterranean appearance, lend me your ears in a northerly direction."

Narrator:
And the famous balcony scene from 'Romeo and Juliet'.

Clive:
"Romeo, Romeo. Victor Delta Tango, over."

Narrator:
This stunning collection also includes a bonus disk of classic Shakespearean love poems.

Clive:
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"

Narrator:
Featuring special guest bad cop Roger Rogerson.

Rogerson (Craig Reucassel):
Answer the question!

Narrator:
Detective Superintendent Clive Pugh Recites the Bard' - This is one police record you'll want against your name.

The Surprise Spruiker at the Persian Rug Warehouse

Both roles played by Andrew Hansen:

Surprise Spruiker:
That's right shoppers, come on into the Persian rug shop. It's a massive warehouse clearance and all our rugs have got to go.

Crazy Warehouse Guy:
Excuse me! What are you doing out the front of my warehouse?

Surprise Spruiker:
I'm the Surprise Spruiker.

Crazy Warehouse Guy:
Well, I'm the Crazy Warehouse Guy and you ought to be walking out the door!

Surprise Spruiker:
Well shoppers, it looks like the boss has gone crazy.

Crazy Warehouse Guy:
Yes! I'm absolutely insane! Now go and do a giant clearance!

Surprise Spruiker:
What about you sir? I find you huge, huge, hugely offensive!

Crazy Warehouse Guy:
You've got to go before midnight tonight!

Surprise Spruiker:
My patience has been massively reduced.

Crazy Warehouse Guy:
Oh? Well, my patience has been massively reduced!

Surprise Spruiker:
This is madness. Now get on your truck, get on your trailer, go and tell your boss-(Crazy Warehouse Guy smashes speaker on the Spruiker's head)

Crazy Warehouse Guy:
Your surprise spruiking is never to be repeated!