The Colbert Report, Season 3 (2007)

Stephen:
Reality has become a commodity.

Stephen:
I'm attacking America's enemies like a spurned astronaut.

Stephen:
We went to Iraq for one reason.

The Wørd:
WMDs?

Stephen:
No.

The Wørd:
9/11?

Stephen:
No.

The Wørd:
Someone Tried To Kill The President's Daddy?

Stephen:
Kind of.

Stephen:
[Hillary Clinton] said one of her favorite movies is The Wizard of Oz. Well, I re-watched it recently, and I can't believe I never noticed the liberal subtext before. Judy Garland--gay icon--stars as Dorothy, an innocent girl from the Heartland, who gets swept away to a drug-induced fantasy land where's she's greeted by labor activists from the local guild. After she murders a powerful Oz official, she becomes a fugitive, hitting the road with a racially diverse group including a laborer, an animal-rights activist, and a treehugger. Who are all, for some mysterious reason, great dancers. And along the way, they get so high on poppies they think they're being attacked by flying monkeys. Folks, there's a short walk from "There's no place like home" to "It Takes a Village."

Stephen:
I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

Stephen:
[Upon learning that Willie Nelson has a Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor.] Willie Nelson has a flavor? What's in it, shredded tax forms and hash?

Stephen:
Join me next time on Colbert Platinum when I'll be joined by Master Chef Reginald Durham for a luxury cookout with the elite burger "Panda Patties". Mmmm. Yes, you can taste the rarity.

Representative John Yarmuth accepts Stephen's challenge to face him in an impromptu debate.

Stephen:
Tonight’s subject: Throwing kittens in a woodchipper. I'm against it, I think it's wrong. John, tear me a new one.

Yarmuth:
Well, you know, there are times when you have to find a way to dispose of kittens. And sometimes the only thing that you can do, if you don't have a shovel, if you don't have a garbage can, if there's a woodchipper handy, then you're going to have to use the woodchipper.

Stephen:
Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done, except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.

Stephen:
If you non-Catholic Christians are upset, well, just have your Pope issue a response. Oh, that's right, you don't have a Pope because your faith is defective. Sorry, Catholicism is clearly superior. Don't believe me? Name one Protestant denomination that could afford a $660 million sexual abuse settlement. I think that Lord has spoken on this one.

Stephen:
[In response to Bill O'Reilly's comparison of Daily Kos with the Ku Klux Klan and the Nazi party.] Exactly! The Ku Klux Klan and the Nazis were both notorious for allowing people to express unpopular views in an open and free forum.

Stephen:
Now, tragically, folks, we are illuminating more and more of the Dark Side every day. Now that indefinite detention, enhanced interrogation, and domestic spying are acceptable, it is getting harder and harder to find those things that we as Americans theoretically cannot bring ourselves to do.

The Wørd:
Vote?

Stephen:
Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me "sir".

Stephen:
Love is a full-length mirror.

Stephen:
I actually do think that Wikipedia is an amazing thing. It is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge, or when I want to create some.

Stephen:
You see, the Vice President knew that we cannot win this war if we go by the book.

The Wørd:
Or The Constitution.

Stephen:
You... you do whatever it takes. You go beyond what's legal. You go past what's acceptable.

The Wørd:
You Shoot A Man In The Face.

Stephen:
We need to return to the clarity of the good old days. Before there was any difference between Sunnis and Shi'ites.

The Wørd:
632 A.D.

Stephen:
Back when there were freedom fries, and our justification for war was three simple letters: W...M...D

The Wørd:
L...I...E

Stephen:
Which brings me to threat number one: gravity. It is not enough--it is not enough that everyone in the mainstream media is against this President. Now even the laws of physics are jumping on the anti-Bush bandwagon? 'Course, I've known about gravity's liberal bias ever since my tenth grade science teacher, Mr. Stamp, dropped a bowling ball and a feather in a vacuum. Bowling ball should definitely have won. There's only one way that feather could keep up: affirmative action. Point is, we've lost gravity to the liberals, folks; but inertia, I hope you're listening! You of all principles of physics should know to stay the course.

Stephen:
Every time the President comes up with a new secret tactic to take down al Qaeda, the media blows its cover. Torture, monitoring our phone calls, monitoring our emails, secret prisons, all perfectly reasonable temporary concessions of freedom that will only be in effect as long as our never-ending war on terror.

Stephen:
When I decided to run for president, I did not do it for the attention. I did it to fulfill a dream, of being the most popular man in the world.