The Cosby Show, Season 1

Theo:
I mean, you're a doctor and Mom's a lawyer, but I don't love you any less because you're my dad. So instead of being disappointed that I'm not like you, maybe you should be happy and love me anyway, because I'm your son.

Cliff:
Theo... That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life! No wonder you get D's in everything! You're afraid to try because you're afraid your brain is going to explode and it's going to ooze out of your ears. Now I'm telling you, you are going to try as hard as you can. And you're going to do it because I said so. I am your father. I brought you in this world, and I'll take you out!

Cliff:
Theo![knocking]

Theo:
Yo!

Cliff:
[walks around disheveled room] Hard to get good help around here, isn't it? Uh, son, your mother asked me to come up here and kill you.

Theo:
Hey, I know.

Cliff:
You know what?

Theo:
What you're gonna say. And it's under control, so--

"'Both"':
No problem! [Bill sarcastically]

"'Cliff"':
Son, how do you expect to get into college with grades like this? Huh?

"'Theo"':
No problem. See, I'm not going to college.

Cliff:
Damn right![sarcastically]

Theo:
I am gonna get through high school. And then, get a job like regular people.

Cliff:
Regular people?

Theo:
Yeah, you know. Work at gas station,drive a bus, something like that.

Cliff':
So what you're saying is, your mother and I shouldn't care if you get D's because you don't need good grades to be: "regular people" ?

Theo:
Right!

[Cliff and Theo discuss Theo's grades and his possible future]

Cliff:
Suppose you graduate from high school. Let's say you just slide by. Now you gotta find a job. Now, what kind of salary do you expect for a regular person?

Theo:
Mmm... $250 a week.

Cliff:
$250 a week? Sit down. [hands Theo Monopoly money] I'm gonna give you $300 a week. Yes, indeed. $300 a week, $1,200 a month. All right?

Theo:
Great! I'll take it.

Cliff:
Yes, you will, and I will take... [takes some of the money] $350 for taxes.

Theo:
Whoa!

Cliff:
Uh-huh. Yeah. You see, the government comes for the regular people first. Now, how much does that leave you with?

Theo:
$850.

Cliff:
: All right. Now, you've got to have an apartment, because you are not going to live here. [takes more money] So, an apartment in Manhattan will run you at least $400 a month.

Theo:
I'll live in New Jersey. [takes back $200]

Cliff:
All right. You live in New Jersey. You've gotta have a car. [takes $300]

Theo:
I'll ride a motorbike. [takes back $100]

Cliff:
You need a helmet. [takes $50] Figure 100 a month for clothes and shoes. [takes $100]

Theo:
Figure 200. I wanna look good. [hands Cliff 100]

Cliff:
Okay. So what's that leave you with?

Theo:
$200. So, no problem!

Cliff:
There is a problem. You haven't eaten yet! [takes 100]

Theo:
I can get by on bologna and cereal. [takes back the 100] So I've got everything I need plus $200 left for the month.

Cliff:
You plan to have a girlfriend?

Theo:
For sure.

[Cliff takes the remaining 200]

Cliff:
[points at Theo's empty hand] Regular people.

Cliff:
Take the sunglasses off! [Denise takes them off, revealing weird make up on the side of her face] Put the sunglasses on!

Denise:
Dad, it's okay to be weird here, but you're going outside the house now.

Theo:
He's a minister, Dad, he'll tell God we're crazy.

Vanessa:
There is no fun in my life!

Cliff:
As you get older, it gets worse.

Cliff:
What did I tell you about pushing your sister?

Vanessa:
I'm just hurrying her along.

Cliff:
That's fine, she's only 5 now, but she IS going to grow up and she MAY get into body building. And then she'll track you down and say "Remember all the times you used to push me around?" and clean your clock!

[Cliff is excited and jittery that his son made the school football team]

Claire:
Cliff, now this may be impossible, but do you think you can calm down?

Cliff:
[happily swerving] Calm? Sure I can be calm!

Claire:
Cliff, your eyes are dancing.

Cliff:
Are they? [walks to a mirror] Let me see. [looks in the mirror] They are, aren't they? They are! They are dancing!

Claire:
Cliff, come on now sit down.

Cliff:
No no, do me a favor, do me a favor, say it again. I wanna see them dance, let 'em go! Let 'em go! Say it!

Claire:
Football!

Cliff:
THERE THEY GO!

Cliff:
I'll give you thirty dollars.

Theo:
Thirty?!

Cliff:
'Kay then, five!

Cliff:
No 14-year-old boy should have a $95 shirt unless he's on stage with his 4 brothers.

...

Cliff:
I don't have a $95 shirt, and I have a JOB.

Theo:
[cleaning the kitchen] Dad is it okay if I take a break now?

Cliff:
Yeah, uh you've been working five minutes straight now.

Cliff's Father:
[about Theo] Where are you sending him?

Cliff:
If he picks up his grades, high school.

[Claire is babysitting a baby]

Claire:
Oh just holding him sets off all these weird stirs, and I wonder if I don't want another one...

Cliff:
Uhh, let me help you. You don't.

Claire:
So, you're saying you don't want another one?

Cliff:
Claire, sometimes I don't even want the ones we have now.

Claire's Mother:
When you and Cliff got married, what did I say?

Claire:
You wanted me to have a child.

Claire's Mother:
Why?

Claire:
Revenge.

Cliff:
[after a long screeched note on a clarinet is heard downstairs] Have we moved closer to the river?

[More sounds]

Theo:
You think she's blowing through the right end?

[Even worse sounds]

Cliff:
I think she just killed a goose.

[Vanessa is playing the clarinet badly while Cliff and Theo are playing chess]

Cliff:
[starts destroying the game] That´s it, halftime.

Theo:
Dad, there's no halftime in chess!

Cliff:
The band is playing, so that's halftime.

Cliff:
[Talking to Denise's boy-friend] If you don't plan on going to college then what do you plan on doing?

David:
I think I'm going to just spend some time trying to find myself.

Cliff:
And how long do you think that's going to take?

David:
About five or ten years.

Cliff:
In that amount of time you could find yourself and a few other people.

Denise:
Dinner's ready. [as Cliff walks by] So how do you like him?

Cliff:
I don't know if it's him or not; he hasn't found himself yet.

Cliff:
The entree, Dr. Huxtable's Salisbury Steak deluxe!

David:
I'm sorry, Dr. Huxtable, I don't eat meat.

Cliff:
The boy does not eat meat.

David:
I'm a vegetarian.

Denise:
I didn't know that!

Claire:
Well we got lots of red beans and rice.

David:
I'm sorry, I only eat brown rice.

Cliff:
That's all right, we can take the rice and burn it for you.

Cliff:
I wish I was 20 again.

Sondra:
Would you go to Rio?

Cliff:
Your mother wouldn't let me.

[Cliff is instructing Theo how to carve a turkey]

Cliff:
[imitating Julia Child] First, you slice ever so gently along the grain, following the contour of the bird.

Theo:
Dad, why are you talking like that?

Cliff:
[still imitating Julia Child] I have no idea; it's just that it makes me feel more secure when I'm in the kitchen.

Female Client:
That's a wonderful thing you're doing for your wife!

Cliff:
Thank you.

Client:
How long you been married?

Cliff:
21 years.

Client:
How many kids?

Cliff:
Four at home and one in college.

Client:
Five children and 21 years. What are you celebrating?

Cliff:
Survival.

Claire:
We are very fortunate to have the children, Cliff. Otherwise we would never know the joy of leaving them at home.

Cliff:
Hello? ... This better be necessary. [hands the phone to Claire] It's for you.

Claire:
Hello.

The Kids:
[on the other end] Good night mom! And don't bring home another baby!

Claire:
Make sure she stays in the bed, give her lots of liquids, and aspirin every four hours.

Cliff:
I don't believe you! You're the only woman who went to law school and got a degree in medicine!

Rudy:
[yelling from upstairs] Daddy!! Did Mommy leave?

Cliff:
Yes. What do you want?

Rudy:
Mommy!

[Cliff walks downstairs wearing a bunch of outrageous things he's gotten in the past for Father's Day]

Rudy:
Dad you look funny!

Cliff:
Well thank you!

Rudy:
You're welcome!

[Cliff is opening Rudy's gift to him]

Cliff:
Da-dadada-dan dan dan DAAA!

[Cliff opens the gift to reveal a tube of Tennis Balls]

Cliff:
Tennis balls!

Rudy:
I hope they're the right size.

Cliff:
I'm sure they're the right size! Let me see. [opens up the canister]

Rudy:
I looked in your closet, and there was only one left.

Cliff:
And you know what, they are the right size!

Cliff:
Look my folks are not coming over to eat, they are coming over here to spoil the children.

Claire:
Well what do you expect? They're grandparents.

Cliff:
Right, grandparents, all right. These are not the same people I grew up with, these are the biggest hypocrites you've ever seen. No, I am telling you right now, my father comes through that door, reaches into his pocket pulls out a handful of money. "Well let's see if granddad has any money for these wonderful children." This is the same man who when I was his child, I would ask him for 50 cents, the man would tell me his life story. This man would tell me how at age five, he woke up at 4 o'clock every morning, had no alarm clock, had no rooster, just the sense of responsibility. Snow was up to here. [mime saluting] Had no shoes but he walked through a blizzard. Backwards. And I talked to other people with fathers, and find out fathers are the lyingest people on the face of this earth. I have a friend who's Puerto Rican. His father was brought up in San Juan, walked through the snow in San Juan. No, my father got a job milking 120 cows. The man he worked for had no bucket so he had to squirt the milk into his hand, walk eight miles, through the snow up to here [salute]. And I am telling you right now my mother is the same way.

Claire:
Your mother's one of the sweetest people I've ever met.

Cliff:
I didn't say she wasn't sweet. But this woman comes over here to the house, kisses every child. 'Just come here and kiss your grandmother. Oh you're just the most beautiful children on the face of this earth!' But when I was her child, I'm telling you, this woman, all she ever wanted to do was take a stick and ask God to give her enough strength so she could knock us somewhere! And to this day, I still don't know where Kingdom-come is. And all she is, as far as I'm concerned, is an old person trying to get into Heaven now.

Theo:
[revealing his earring to Cliff] It's an earring, dad. There's a hole in my ear, and Denise says it might be infected.

[Cliff comes over, to examine the ear, touches the ear, and Theo flinches]

Cliff:
Well, she's right. It is infected. Come on.

Theo:
What are you gonna do to me?

Cliff:
I am going to fix your ear.

Theo:
Then what?

Cliff:
You expecting some sort of punishment?

Theo:
Shouldn't I?

Cliff:
Yeah.

Theo:
Dad, Denise is hogging the bathroom!

Cliff:
Why don't you use the one downstairs?

Theo:
The small one? That one's for guests.

Cliff:
Then pretend you don't live here.

Theo:
Hey, if Dad lets you go, I'll give you five-hundred dollars.

Denise:
You don't have five-hundred dollars!

Theo:
Do I look worried?

Vanessa:
Theo is babysitting?!

Cliff:
That's right.

Vanessa:
But what if the house catches fire?

Cliff:
Then Theo will call the fire department!

Vanessa:
Well what if burglars break in?

Cliff:
Then Theo will un-arm them!

Vanessa:
Well what if they know karate?

Cliff:
Then Theo will die!

Theo:
Hi mom!

Claire:
Hi. Where are you going?

Theo:
Down the street to play touch football.

Claire:
Theo, it's five degrees out there!

Theo:
I got two pairs of socks on.

Claire:
Well you are putting on gloves and a hat.

Theo:
Mom, this is freeze football. If you wear a lot of stuff, you're not a real man!

Claire:
Well how's a real man gonna feel when his mother shows up on the field carrying his gloves and a hat?

[Theo puts on the gloves and a hat; Cliff enters the front door]

Theo:
Hey dad.

Cliff:
Hey, where you going?

Theo:
Freeze football.

Cliff:
You can't play freeze football like that, you gotta take all that stuff off!

Claire:
Cliff that really was not necessary.

Cliff:
What?

Claire:
Cliff, these classes are competitive enough without us putting extra pressure on this girl.

Cliff:
There's nothing wrong with a little competition.

Claire:
Okay I just don't want Vanessa to get carried away like a certain person in this family...

Cliff:
You talking about me?

Claire:
Yes. Yes as a matter of fact I am. Now let's take the way you play Monopoly.

Cliff:
What does Monopoly got to do with science?

Claire:
I'm talking about the way you handle competition. You see, most human beings view Monopoly as a game. But you take it as a means to crush all those who dare challenge you! You are the worst! Someone gets a 'Go to Jail' card, you applaud.

Cliff:
That's right.

Claire:
Somebody lands on your property, you start making cash register sounds!

Cliff:
Cha-ching! Cha-ching! That's right!

Claire:
And then when you win, you pile all your money up on the floor and roll in it! You are the worst!

Cliff:
Yeah, now I know what you're talking about! This has nothing to do with science. You're still warm about the Monopoly game we played- [laughs] and- and I had Boardwalk, and you rolled the dice, and you landed on my Boardwalk! And I had about 5000 hotels, and 600 houses, and you only had $30! And I told you to pay up, and you said, 'But I'm your wife!' [Claire leaves the room] ...and you'd better pay!

Claire:
[preparing for a court case] Now, Ms. Huxtable. Would you please tell the court exactly what Mr. Wilson said to you after he examined your engine for the first time?

Cliff:
You know, I have the perfect strategy, for this mechanic huddle. I think that we ought to just forget about the trial, and the three of us go over to his house and beat him up!

Vanessa:
Dad can I talk to you for a minute?

Cliff:
Sure.

Vanessa:
Privately? It's about boys.

Rudy:
Excuuuuuse me.

Ernie:
How much did you weigh in college?

Cliff:
A hundred and sixty-five.

Ernie:
And how much do you weigh now?

Cliff:
A hundred and sixty-five.

Ernie:
With your clothes on!

Cliff:
206.

Ernie:
Whoa!

Claire:
If I died, would you marry again?

Cliff:
We'll talk about it when it happens.

Claire:
We can't talk about it then!

Cliff:
Okay, no. The answer is no. I wouldn't.

Claire:
Under no circumstances, if I die, would you marry again. You would be single forever?

Cliff:
Yes.

Claire:
Would you date somebody?

Cliff:
No. I wouldn't.

Claire:
Okay, Cliff I'm dead. I'm gone.

Cliff:
And you're still in the bed with me?

Cliff:
Suppose I die, and your mother came home with a 19 year old boy...

Sondra:
Yeah?

Cliff:
Well what do you mean, 'yeah?' I mean, I'm dead, and you can't even mourn for a tenth of a second?

Sondra:
Dad, you're not dead, you're sitting right here. This is a hypothetical death.

Cliff:
Okay, it's a hypothetical death, but you didn't even take the time out for a hypothetical mourning! I mean it's almost as if you wished I was dead.

Sondra:
No, dad, I don't want you to die!

Cliff:
Are you sure?

Sondra:
Yes.

Claire:
Cliff, what's the point?

Cliff:
The point is I'm dead, and you all have me out on the sidewalk with the garbage.

Claire:
Cliff, you are a wonderful husband and a loving father, but darling, you do have a problem. You never get to the point.

Cliff:
I am trying to get to the point.

Claire:
All right, Cliff, go ahead. If you die...

Cliff:
Never mind.

Cliff:
What's the matter?

Rudy:
I'm bored.

Cliff:
You're bored? Well that's funny because I've got $3 million of books up in your room.

Cliff:
Now, Rudy, what did your grandpa do to make you all quiet?

Rudy:
He said if you all sit down quietly and smile, you'll give us all a dollar by morning.

Cliff:
[entering a building] Hi, Chester. How's everything going?

Chester:
You're late! You have a whole class back there yelling at me! Get here on time!

Claire:
[nicely] Hello, Chester.

Chester:
[nicely] Well hello, Mrs. Huxtable!

Cliff:
Why are you being so nice to her? She's late too Chester.

Chester:
Well she's late, but looks good. You're just late!

Cliff:
The joy of a birthday, is finding out what the present is, before one gets it. And you know I always do.

Claire:
Not this year.

Cliff:
'Not this year.' You say that every year, and every year, I find out. So what do you want to do, you want to tell me what it is now sweetie? Or do you want me to start working on the children?

Claire:
You may work on whomever you please.

Cliff:
Really?

Claire:
But you're not going to find out anything.

Cliff:
Let the games begin.

Cliff:
So I know there's going to be a present for me, boy. So, what is it?

Theo:
Come on, Dad, you know I can't tell you.

Cliff:
: [chuckles] I know that. How old are you now?

Theo:
14.

Cliff:
14. Two years from now, you're going to want a car. I'm the only one who can buy it for you. So my boy, what's it gonna be?

Theo:
Okay, Dad.

Cliff:
Okay.

[a moment passes as the two look around to make sure no one is watching]

Theo:
This year, everyone is pitching in to get you something you're really gonna love.

Cliff Well what is it?

[another moment passes as the two look around to make sure no one is watching]

Theo They won't tell me.

Theo:
Thirty?!

Cliff:
'Kay then, five!

(From one of this episode's outtakes)

[Vanessa plays a bad note]

Cliff:
[Looking straight at Theo] Was that you?

Theo:
[Breaks character and bursts out laughing]

[Theo is wearing an unplugged set of headphones to cover his pierced ear.]

Cliff:
Son?

Theo:
Yeah, Dad?

Cliff:
There's no music coming through the headset. You still bopping to what's left of your brain?

Theo:
Dad, if you want the quality, you're going to pay for it.

Cliff:
<folds up the receipt>. $95

Theo:
Don't you want something better for your son?

Cliff:
Sure, you wanna trade your room for that shirt?

Cliff:
All right then, The shirt goes

':
|Cliff]]: I'll give you thirty dollars.