The Drew Carey Show, Season 1

Lewis:
... and that's why the French don't wash.

Drew:
[Drew refuses to hire Kate] No! It's even worse than when friends have sex, 'cause at least then you had sex!

Drew:
What if I have to fire you? And I'm sure I'm gonna have to.

Kate:
Look, you don't have to fire me. You can kill me, how's that?

Drew:
Well, that might solve some problems, but, you know, it may create others.

Drew:
Boy, a drive-thru liquor store. God bless America! A place where you can drive through and buy whiskey, beer...just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go. Can't stop now! I've got places to go, people to hit!

Drew:
Ask me about my day, I dare you.

Lewis:
Drew, how was your day?

Drew:
You're not sincere enough.. [Points to Oswald] YOU! Ask me about my day.

Oswald:
Drew, how was your day?

Drew:
Lousy. It was like the rubber glove part of a physical exam.

Drew:
[in his carpool] It's 7:15, Larry. You know, normally, by now, I have papers stacked up at the office. Sorta like you have angry motorists stacked up behind you. Do you think you could fire up the bullet train here?

Kate:
Did you and Pam have a fight?

Lewis:
No, we were just in the neighborhood and...she kicked me out of the car and drove away.

Drew:
Did you try to get her to wear that thing again?

Lewis:
Yeah.

Kate:
[referring to the 'thing' from the above quote] I TOLD you women don't think those things are sexy!

Lewis:
Hey, if it's not sexy, how come I had to order it from Mexico?

Lisa:
Excuse me, Mr. Carey?

Drew:
I'm sorry, my father's Mr. Carey. I'm Mrs. Carey.

Lisa:
Want to smile so I know you're kidding?

Oswald:
Did the pizza I ordered get here yet?

Drew:
The pizza you ordered at my house? The place where I might not be? The guy who couldn't get a date if dates were magnets and his butt was due north?

Lisa:
Hey, I'm just making small talk. I do that when I'm nervous. What do you do?

Drew:
Isn't it obvious?

Lisa:
You eat?

Drew:
Shut up. I sweat.

Drew:
Wait! I want kids!

Lisa:
Drew, I can't do this for you.

Drew:
Then I'll have the kids. Look. I have child-bearing hips.

Lisa:
It wouldn't have worked out. Your face is too fat.

Drew:
Yeah? Well, your calves are too close to your ankles.

Lisa:
Your ears aren't level. [walks away]

Drew:
[shouting] Yeah, neither are your breasts! [quieter] Did I just say that aloud in front of the entire office?

Lewis:
Hey, I gave one guy three black eyes.

Drew:
[drafting a new memo] From now on, all employees will be required to bring their sense of humor to work every day. This replaces the current practice of shoving a stick up your butt!

Drew:
I'm tired of giving in. I give in every day of my life! I give in to my boss, I give in to my neighbors, I even give in and buy American. And when that breaks, I buy American again!

Drew:
Ms. Bobeck, will you please tell the court what you told me out in the hall? And remember, there were witnesses! [gestures to Kate, Oswald and Lewis]

Mimi:
I said I think you're a disgusting pig and I hate your guts with an all-consuming passion.

Drew:
After that.

Mimi:
I'd do whatever it took to get you put away.

Drew:
After that.

Mimi:
You four-eyed butt weasel.

Drew:
Your honour, I would like you to consider this witness' testimony impeached and i also would like to request a 10 minute recess becuase, well, that hurt!

Drew:
How did I harass Nora by putting up that cartoon? Define sexual harassment for me!

Lewis:
According to this, sexual harassment is any unwelcome touching or advance.

Drew:
That's every sexual advance I make!

Drew:
Here's a joke that won't offend anybody: a person and a person walk into a place. There, that's it.

Drew:
[making closing argument] That guy at Tiananmen Square wasn't trying to stop a tank; he was trying to tell a funny knock-knock joke. 'Knock Knock. Who's there? A big-ass tank.' Lighten up, people!

Kate:
How did it go?

Drew:
We had really great seats. You could almost see the Angel of Death right behind Keith Richards.

Lewis:
[about Drew and Janet] What if it doesn't work out? If she dumps you, it'll make things incredibly awkward. And if you dump her, there'll be nobody to comfort her because everybody will be too busy trying to catch the monkeys that are flying out of my butt.

Kate:
Don't worry about Drew, he's just a big teddy bear! [Rubs his stomach.]

Drew:
Kate, don't rub my stomach. How'd you like it if you were in a business meeting and I went over and honked your breasts?

Drew:
Basketball...is war. To lose...is to die. And last Saturday, we got killed. I am ashamed to be your coach. [throws his hat on the floor] Should we give up? Should we turn in our uniforms? Should we admit we're losers? Or should we stop the lollygagging and start playing some basketball?! Now listen up, ladies... [camera shows that he's coaching a team of girls] ...I'm not doing this for my health. I don't do anything for my health. I'm not doing this because the shorts make me look good. I got better shorts, shorts you'll never see. No, I am doing this for the Winfred-Lauder department store. And if I'm going to be volunteering my time, I want to see some effort! I want to see sweat! I want to see blood! I want to see someone get hurt!

Kate:
[giving Drew a reason to ask out Janet] You're not seeing anybody.

Drew:
Please, I'm already using that excuse for not exercising.

Oswald:
She sent a note... and it's a dirty note! 'The penis mightier than the sword!'

Drew:
Let me see that...That's 'pen is,' you moron!

Lewis:
Sounds like she's really got you by the 'pen is.'

Drew:
Fudgesicle. I like anything on a stick.

Lewis:
How about some 8-ball? Winner gets complete control of the loser's life.

Oswald:
Wait, I already lost that to you last week.

Lewis:
Well, then you have no choice.

Oswald:
You know, I was driving around today and I got the strangest feeling I was supposed to do something.

Drew:
You were supposed to pick up my dad at the airport! Damn it! Now I gotta...

Drew's Dad:
What the hell did I tell you about swearing?

Drew:
Only at church and in front of old ladies! Hi, Dad!

Kate:
You put MIMI in Cosmetics?! Oh, great. Why don't we just put Ike Turner in the complaints department?

Kate:
[about Earl] So he is crazy?

Oswald:
Hey, I don't want to be the first to call anybody crazy.

Kate:
...I already did.

Oswald:
Then I concur. He's wicky in the wacky woo.

Drew:
How could I miss it? We gave him a phycological profile. He passed with flying colors. Lokk. Under the question, "Have you ever experienced seizures, blackouts, or been institutionalized?" Says 'Never'

Kate:
It doesn't say 'Never'; it says 'Over' as in 'turn over'.

Drew:
No, it doesn't. [turns paper over] OH MY GOD!

Lewis:
What's it say?

Drew:
Well, it says in so many words, that basically he's wicky in wacky woo.

Drew:
Thanks, Mimi. You're a Saint...Bernard.

Mimi:
So, I see you've got a Bible there. Let me save you some reading; you're going to Hell.

Drew:
Yeah, I've always wanted to see your place.

Drew:
[After walking into Mimi's apartment] Wow! Suddenly my eyes won't focus.

Lewis:
Boy, you go to a garage sale and you wonder who buys all that crap...

Lewis:
Sorry I'm late. I was signing up for DrugCo's testing program.

Oswald:
They test drugs on employees?

Lewis:
Yeah, they used to test them on rats but they kept exploding.

Drew:
Gee, doc, are there any side effects to this new drug? Well, just the one: kaboom!

Oswald:
Hey, I want in on this! What kind of drugs are they testing?

Lewis:
Smart drugs.

Oswald:
They got drugs that make you smarter? What do they do?

Lewis:
Well, our friend Oswald has stumbled onto a complex question: what is intelligence?

Drew:
Well, it's not finding out rats explode and going "Hey, where do I sign up?"

[After Lewis and Oswald have been taking smart pills with no apparent effect]

Oswald:
Let's go get something soft to eat. My cavity is hurting and neurons are spiking through my cerebral cortex like electrons through a linear accelerator.

Lewis:
...What'd you say?

Oswald:
...I said, "Let's get yogurt."

Lewis:
Oh, okay. For a minute there I thought you said something smart. [They start to leave] Hey, are they still using linear accelerators?

Oswald:
Actually, most particle accelerators are circular.

Lewis:
Don't you mean "elliptical"?

Oswald:
Ah, but aren't all circles ellipses? [They laugh] ... where's the car?

[They look around stupidly]

Kate:
We're not going to fight for a job.

Lewis:
What if we provide a cage?

Drew:
If Kate gets the job, then it's not because she's the best friend a guy could ever have. And if Lisa gets the job, then it's not because that's the only chance we have of dating. But if Mimi gets the job, I want you to kill me and find the microchip. I'd rather be dead than serve those stinking extraterrestrials!

Kate:
I actually learned something about myself; I don't have to resort to anger.

Drew:
You tried to kill that lady's dog and cat.

Kate:
Oh, you heard that?

Chuck:
Should I cut off the airflow? Seal a few vents in the area? Takes the fight right out of them.

Drew:
Nah, maybe later, just for fun.

Mimi:
[Mimi walks to her desk and sees the man who looks exactly like Drew.] So much crap, they had to start a second pile.

Kate:
I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? Men are slime.

Oswald:
Amen to that, sister!

Kate:
Kiss me.

Drew:
What?!

[Kate leans in closer.]

Kate:
Kiss!

Drew:
Hey, you don't know what you're saying. You're drunk. And you've been throwing up.

Kate:
Besides, I can have any man in this bar! Am I right? [Climbs on table]

Drew:
Hey, she's been drinking! And I know there's not a man in this bar who'd take advantage of a woman who's been drinking.

Oswald:
[whispering] I have a gun.

Drew:
I have a gun!

Lewis:
What are you doing here? What are you doing in my rumpus room?

Kate:
Don't let him play red!

Oswald:
So, what are we listening to in the next hour?

Drew:
I don't know, Whatever K-9 is.

Drew:
You were drunk? Oh no. What am I going to do with this ring? And I already broke up with Lisa. I told my mother. She was so happy. [Pretends to cry] How could you do this to me? I suppose the sex didn't mean anything to you either!

Kate:
Drew?

Drew':
[still fake crying] What?!

Kate:
You had so much to drink you couldn't even get your eyelids up.

Drew:
This could work out, but you know, you'd have to be drunk all the time.

Drew:
It's okay, Kate. There'll be other guys. Of course, your mom'll hate 'em, but eventually she'll be dead.

Lewis:
[to the waitress] Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my rumpus room?

Mrs. O'Brien:
So what's the matter? He's too stable? He's got too good of a job. Oh, he treats you too nicely. You know, I think you ought to stop looking at the guys with the tightest butts [pantomimes a butt with her hands] and start looking at [puts hands much further apart] Drew.

Kate:
You're right. You know, I should call Drew right now and see if he wants to start a relationship. Because it's the end of the world, and my mother's been chugging COUGH SYRUP again!

Jay:
But I don't have room in the cab.

Drew:
Yeah, but you'd have room if your life depended on it, wouldn't you, buddy? Hear what I'm saying? Fire in the hole!

Drew:
Hi, Mimi. Say, anyone ever mistake you for a woman?

Mimi:
I'll have you know that men find me...

Drew:
Yeah, I know. They find you with the lights out, or they find you at last call, or they find you blocking the view of the woman they want to hit on.

Drew:
What do you think of Jay? He's a pretty nice guy, huh?

Mrs. O'Brien:
Actually, he scares the life out of me.

Drew:
No, Oswald's the one with the curly hair.

Lewis:
Now do you think there's any way we can prove that Oswald's mentally incompetent?

Mrs. O'Brien:
I think it would be harder to prove that he's not.

Drew:
You've finally got a guy you can take home to Mom. What's not to like? [to Jay] I'd lose the earring.

Oswald:
I'd take the hair down an inch.

Lewis:
And how 'bout a skosh more room in those jeans?

Lewis:
[to Oswald] Why don't you get Daddy a Jagrmeister?

Kate:
[after her mother gives her a sweater] Ooh, I hope this is the one that lands me a man!

Kate:
Sorry. Just killing Mom before time gets here.

Drew:
I want this promotion more than anything.

Lewis:
More than pubic hair when you were twelve?

Drew:
Yeah, like I used that for the next eight years.

Oswald:
What's it for anyway?

Jay:
It's like the lettuce on the fruit plate. It's just for presentation.

Oswald:
If you'd bothered to swallow that, you would have realized it had absolutely no aftertaste.

Lewis:
(Takes a sip, puckers lips, then smiles) Hey! The rotten egg taste is gone!

Drew:
But it's a milk carton, little kids can't read... Hey, Can Timmy go out and play? No, I'm sorry, He just had a bowl of cereal and he's hammered.

Drew:
(repeated line) I'm gonna lose my house.

Mr. Bell:
What's the matter, Carey? You act like you've never seen me before.

Jay:
Coffee and beer together? I gotta pee just thinking about it!

Drew:
Oswald, nobody's gonna buy a beer that sets your mouth on fire!

Oswald:
I know. (brings out a pitcher, then gives it back) We'll make our money on the water.