The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Season 1

Vivian:
Sweetie, would you say grace, please?

Ashley:
Yes, mommy... (Starts rapping) Hey there, lord. My name is Ashley Banks. My family and friends want to give you some thanks. So before this dinner's all swallowed and chewed, thank you God for this stupid food!

Philip:
I want to talk to you.

Will:
About what?

Philip:
You know. From the minute you walked through that door, you've been a one-man wrecking crew, trying to tear down what's taken a lot of hard work to build up, skewering everything with your flippant shenanigans!

Will:
I was with you up until "skewering".

Vivian:
How was the flight, honey?

Will:
Yo, the plane ride was stupid. I was up in the first class...

Philip:
Excuse me?

Will:
No, I'm saying the plane ride was dope.

Philip:
Excuse me?!

Will:
No... Stupid, dope, it's not what you think. How would I say this... [in Bryant Gumbel like voice] the flight was really neat.

Philip:
Ashley, honey, where is your violin?

Ashley:
Big Sal has it.

Vivian:
Big Sal?

Ashley:
He owns this really cool store where you don't even need any money. You just go in and give him something you don't even want and he gives you this ticket and...

Philip:
A pawn shop?! You took her to a pawn shop?!

Will:
Yeah, you don't have many pawn shops in Bel-Air. I had to drive all the way to east L.A.

Vivian:
East L.A.?

Philip:
How dare you pawn her violin?!

Vivian:
Philip, when I met you, you were into James Brown.

Will:
He liked James Brown?

Vivian:
He even wore his hair like him.

Will:
[laughs] He had hair?

Carlton:
Might I say you rate a perfect 10 on my niftiness meter?

Philip:
Will, there's something you should know: Sometimes... parents just don't understand.

[Philip's mother, Hattie, embraces each of the Banks kids]

Hattie:
: Ashley, look how much you've grown! Hilary, look how much you've grown! Carlton... hi.

Vivian:
Will, why don't you introduce Ice Tray to your family?

Will (to Ice Tray):
This is my little cousin Ashley. This is my bodyguard Geoffrey. All of this is my Uncle Phil. Remember, we used to say that Daffy Duck must have a little brother somewhere? Meet my cousin Carlton.

Ashley:
(about Ice Tray coming to visit) Word up. This is gonna be cold, stupid on the serious tip.

Philip:
What did you say, young lady?

Ashley:
I mean, this is quite an exceptional idea, Daddy. Peachy keen even.

Carlton:
Plans for Palm Springs: 1: Work on golf swing. 2: Review SAT practice book. 3: Ask Mr. Firth about a summer internship.

Will:
4: Get the stick out of your butt!

Reporter:
The ringleader agreed to confess, only if a camera crew were present to broadcast live. What you are about to see is Minuteman 21 News exclusive. [camera shows Will]

Will:
Yeah! We done it! Word to Big Bird! We fixed 8 Benzitos, 15 Jags, and a Maserati! But I ain't like the upholstery, so I took it back, Jack!

Reporter:
And do you have anything to say? [shows Carlton]

Carlton:
Dad?!

Phillip:
I've got a few questions for you. When you got this alleged confession from these two young men, did they have a lawyer present? No. Because I'm their lawyer. Did you notify their parents? No. Because we're their parents. So, officer, don't tell us to wait, and don't tell us to sit down. Just open that damn cell and let those two boys outta there or I'm gonna tie this place up with so much litigation that your grandchildren are gonna need lawyers!

Will:
(to Jazz) What kind of poem is that?

Jazz:
I'm starvin'. When do we eat here?

Philip:
We eat here later. You eat here never.

Jazz:
Looks like you eat here often.

(Philip throws Jazz out the door again)

Vivian (to Phillip):
Can't you at least get into the Halloween spirit?

Philip (in a dull tone):
Boo.

Will (to Carlton):
Yeah, I got a date.

Carlton:
(holds up a model magazine) Who? Page 42?

Ashley:
I can't believe Carlton went to bed early.

Will:
Ashley, if you found out the only person in the world who would go out with was mentally deranged, you'd go to bed too.

Jazz:
I dunno 'bout West Philly, but in L.A. you don't give stuff like that away.

Will:
I dunno 'bout L.A., but in West Philly, you mess with some other brother's girlie, you mess around and get yourself killed.

Jazz:
Well I dunno 'bout West Philly, but in L.A. we're man enough to take that risk.

Will:
My brother, you wanna take this outside?!?

Phil:
How would you feel if I came into your room and suddenly started throwing chalk around?

Will:
I'd be devastated. (said in a deadpan manner)

Cartwell:
I was under the assumption...

Coach:
Ah. You made an assumption. Now, you should never make an assumption, because you'll be an 'ass' and the 'ump' will 'shun' you.

Carlton:
Hey, Hilary. Did Dad mention me during the game?

Hilary:
Yeah, he did say "Shut up, that's my kid you're talking about!"

Vivian (to Phillip):
Do you know what my sister just said? You are not gonna beleve this. She said our kids are spoiled.

Philip (sarcastically):
Oh, news flash.

Vivian:
You mean you agree with her?

Philip:
Vivian, I'm the one who says they should be doing more work around the house. You're the one who is too easy on them.

Vivian:
Oh, really? Does this sound familiar? (imitating Hilary) Daddy, I need $300.

Will (to the kids):
All I see is you guys getting a fancy ride, a fancy ride in a free car.

Vivian:
Hilary, your father and I just want you to be all you can be.

Hilary:
You want me to join the army?!

Vivian:
Philip, I've been thinking about what Hilary said. That stuff about us putting too much pressure on her, how hard it is to live up to a college professor, how she believed she couldn't admit to us she failed.

Philip:
You mean you bought that crap?!

Will:
This looks like a job for Sherlock Homeboy.

Hilary:
Alright okay! I can't take it any more! I dropped out of college.

Phillip:
You did what?! ...Hilary when did this happen?

Hilary:
3 months ago.

Vivian:
3 months ago?

Phillip:
and you have been lying to us since then?

Vivian:
3 months ago?

Hilary:
Mother I can explain!

Vivian:
3 months ago?

Carlton:
That's awful! Is he making you clean his room?

Hilary:
No.

Carlton:
Will you clean miiiine?

Hilary:
Carlton!

Carlton:
I'm sorry, Hilary, but this is too good to be true! Why should Will have all the fun?

Hilary:
Why you little-

Carlton:
DAAAAAAAAD-

Hilary:
I HATE YOU!

Carlton:
There has been a tragedy at school! Somebody scratched the word "Fresh" on the alumni desk. They already have a lead on who did it.

Will:
[nervously] They do?

Carlton:
They think it was a freshmen who lost his cool.

Ashley:
Lost his cool, that's funny. "Fresh" means cool, right Will?

Will:
I can't keep up with this new hip lingo.

Ashley:
But I thought that's why they called you the Fresh Prince?

Will buries his head in his hands

Phillip:
Day damn one, Vivian! Day damn one!

Geoffrey:
I don't know why I bother. It's impossible to compete with tawdry entertainment like MTV, Nintendo, the New Children on the Block...

Will:
Come on, Ashley. Let's write our letters to Santa.

Ashley:
Will, don't you have something better to do with your Christmas vacation than writing some silly letter?

Will:
Come on, Ashley. You can help me with mine. How do you spell Vanessa Williams?

Philip:
Ashley's right. What are we fighting about? We all used to love Christmas. Now we take everything so seriously.

Chadney:
We're putting together a program for Jonathan's parents' party tonight.

Kellogg:
Jonathan's stepfather is a record producer and he asked us not to do tired old Christmas carols. Here's our program.

Will:
[Takes a look at the program] Wait a minute. "You Don't Bring Me Flowers", "People Who Need People", "The Way We Were". Who'll come down the chimney, Barbra Streisand?

Jonathan:
You've been to my parents' parties?

Will:
Come on, Aunt Viv, this is terrible. I mean, people in Bel-Air don't know how to celebrate Christmas. I'm worried about Ashley.

Vivian:
What do you mean?

Will:
Growing up in Bel-Air, she never had a real Christmas. I mean, there's no sledding, there's no caroling... There's no winos making snow angels on the front lawn. I mean, y'all don't even decorate the living room.

Vivian:
Yes, we do. We've already started. The poinsettias, the red candles and here's the beautiful crystal nativity your uncle gave me for Christmas years ago.

Will:
Where the little baby Jesus at?

Vivian:
Right there.

Will:
That little disk?

Vivian:
There are more decorations coming. A wonderful shop in Beverly Hills comes to the house, sets up the tree and decorates it for us.

Will:
Do they open your presents and wear your sweaters for you, too?

Will:
Why do you humor this guy? The planet he's on hasn't been discovered yet.

Will:
Uncle Phil told him to take his fancy 20 million dollar account, fold it five ways and stick it where Sparky can't find it.

Will (to Vivian):
I read the autobiography of Malcolm X.

Vivian:
And that makes you a serious black history student?

Will:
It's a very important book.

Vivian:
Will, you can read the books, you can wear the T-shirts, you can put up the posters and you can shout the slogans, but unless you know all the facts, you are just trivializing the entire struggle.

Will:
Okay, Ashley. First, we'll take Grandma to see the llamas and then we'll go on the roller coaster and the Ferris wheel.

Ashley:
Will for the last time, we are not breaking in to Michael Jackson's house!

Hattie (to Phillip):
Now don't go giving me that look, Zeke. That's the same look you gave me at the county fair when I wouldn't let you climb up the greasy pole. Now, you're not all that mad at me, are you?

Philip:
Well, Mama, yes I am. I try to set some rules down for Will and you undermine my authority. I know how to handle things. I am an adult.

Hattie:
I am too, Zeke.

Phil:
I know that.

Hattie:
Do you? How many adults do you tell to take a nap?

Philip:
Mama, I was just worried about you.

Hattie:
But I'm fine, baby.

Philip:
I know. When you had the flu and I talked to you on the phone, you sounded so small. I just want you to live a long time.

Hattie:
Then Zeke, let me live.

Will:
[Referring to Lady Penelope] G, the Lady's a Tramp.

Will:
Opera? I thought she said Oprah.

Kayla:
Your momma.

Will:
Oh? What about my momma?

Kayla:
Your momma is so fat, they showed her a picture of her feet and she couldn't identify them.

Will:
Well, your momma is so dumb, she went to the theater and it said 'Under 17 Not Admitted' so she went home and got sixteen of her friends.

Kayla:
You know what? I shouldn't talk about your momma. I feel sorry for your momma. Having such an ugly child.

Will:
(outraged) Ugly?

Kayla:
You're so ugly, your momma had to tie a pork chop around your neck just so the dog would play with you.

Will:
You're so ugly, your momma had to feed you with a slingshot.

Kayla:
You're so ugly, that isn't a fade on your head. That's your hair running away from your face.

Will:
Well you're so ugly that...uuhh...baby, you so fine.

Will:
I would kiss you, but I just had a chili dog.

Will:
All this legal stuff won't work. The only legal phrase these people understand is "will the defendant please rise."

Philip:
I think I'm getting better.

Fred:
That's not the way I see it. You still stink.

Geoffrey:
I wouldn't talk.

Vivian:
Carlton, You are not going down to McArthur Park tonight. In fact, (to everyone) none of you are going down to McArthur Park tonight.

Tiny (stands up):
Wait a minute.

Vivian:
Boy, do not test me.

Tiny:
Yes, ma'am. (sits back down)

Vivian (to Will):
Now, none of this would've happened if you hadn't insisted on making fun of your cousin. Now, you know, for a person who's always going around saying "I wish people would let me act the way I want", you were awfully hard on Carlton.

Carlton:
That was my point.

Philip:
That's no excuse, Carlton. Just because Will teases you, you have to do something this foolish?

Carlton:
Dad, I know it seemed foolish, but I had to show him that I had the courage to survive down there.

Philip:
That's not courage. Courage is being the way you are no matter what anybody says about you. Will teases me, but you don't see me goin' "Yo, yo, yo, homey, yo."

Carlton:
There's no "yo" at the end of it. I'm pretty sure of it.

Will:
Uncle Phil, I am telling you he kissed her right on the lips.

Carlton:
It was more on the cheek dad.

Will:
But he was aiming for her lips and he missed. He's aggressive and inaccurate and that's a dangerous combination!

Hilary (to Marissa):
Your last five movies sucked big time!

Will:
Six.

Jazz (tells Marissa off about the way she treats Hilary):
Now you say you're sorry to her before I get pretty damn mad.