The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Season 3

[after Will touches a car]

Car Security System:
You are too close to the vehicle.

Will:
Who said that?

C.S.S.:
You are too close to the vehicle.

Will:
I heard you the first time.

C.S.S.:
You have 10 seconds to move away before the alarm activates.

Will:
Oh, really, now? [sings the Jeopardy! theme while looking at his watch] 10 seconds, I knew you was full of it.

[the alarm activates]

[Will runs into a police officer]

Cop:
Who were you talking to, son?

Will:
Oh, actually, I was talking to the car, officer.

Cop:
[sarcastically] Oh, the car talks?

Will:
Yeah, hold on. [jumps on the back of the car] It says "move or I'll kill you", something like that. [laughs] Damn!

[the cop takes Will away]

Car Security System:
You are too close to the vehicle.

Will (to Noah):
Hey man, I'm from Philly. We had to save up to be poor! You don't get it.

Noah:
Yeah, I get it all right. you come down here with your X-cap and your cool Doc Martins and you're all dope and word to your mother and you think that makes you committed. This isn't a game, Will and if you think it is, then maybe you better not come back because you don't get it.

Philip:
Vivian, where were you yesterday?

Vivian:
Shooting hoops with Michael Jordan.

(Philip is telling Will and Carlton about his freshman year at Princeton)

Philip:
For extra money, I had to work for the Princeton Daily. My first assignment was to interview the town's most famous stripper: Boom-Boom Lasalle.

(The guys start laughing)

Will:
I wonder why they called her that.

Philip:
For some reason, she took a liking to me. So she invited me to come with her and her sister to her dressing room for drinks.

Will:
You the man, Uncle Phil.

Philip:
Anyway, one thing led to another and before you know it, this old country boy...(Vivian slams a plate of food on the table in front of him) finished his Yoo-Hoo and went right home.

Vivian:
Wait a minute, Philip. Go back to when you finished your Yoo-Hoo.

Carlton:
(after their school goes coed) It's a disgrace. It's a scandal. It's an outrage.(a girl walks past him) It's the mother of my children.

(After Will sees a hot girl walking by)

Will:
Hurt me, hurt me! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's up, baby?

Veronica:
The name's Veronica.

Will:
Ooh, Veronica, I like that.

Veronica:
Great, now I can die.

Will:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, now, baby, I noticed you noticing me and I just want to put you on notice that I noticed you too.

Veronica:
And?

Will:
And I just want to let you know that I might let you consider being with me.

Veronica:
Is that what passes for a compliment?

Will:
Wait, listen...

Veronica:
No, you listen. If you want a shot at being with me, maybe you should try talking to me like a normal human being. Got it?

Will:
Actually, baby, you got it, but I'll take donations!

(Ashley is worried about her first day at a new school)

Ashley:
What if no one likes me?

Will:
Just do what Carlton does: give them money.

[Ashley walks into the room, coughs AHEM and the boys crowd her]

Carlton:
Wow. Will, check out the talent. She's cool, she's hot, she's...

Will:
YOUR BABY SISTER, MAN!

Carlton:
[shrieks]

[Ashley laughs and smiles; Carlton and Will rush over to her]

Will:
Yo! Ease back, man! Ease back!

[They chase the boys away]

Carlton:
What do you think you're doing?

Ashley:
Buzz off, small stuff!

Carlton:
That's it, Ashley! I want you to-- I'm ordering you to look unattractive!

[Ashley rolls her eyes, looks away and laughs]

Will:
(to Ashley) What did you have for breakfast, hormones?

Ashley:
Beat it! I'm workin' the room! [Walks up to a boy]

Ashley:
Hi, Bobby

Carlton:
Where'd she learn to walk like that?

Will:
And where did she get that Lee Press-On body?

Kenny (to Ashley):
HURT ME, HURT ME! Yo, baby. See, I noticed you noticed me and I wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too! Baby, you float my boat!

Will:
I know you better float your midget boat on out of here. [pulls Kenny and pushes him into Carlton away from Ashley]

Kenny:
Will, man! Ease up!

Will:
No, you ease up, man! What you trying to do?

Kenny:
The same thing you're trying to do. I'm just trying to press up this woman!

Will:
YO, THAT AIN'T NO WOMAN THATS MY COUSIN!!!

Ashley:
I am too a woman and I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of my business!

Will:
Don't you shake your neck at me like that, girl!

Ashley:
Come on, Kenny!

Kenny:
Hey.

[they start to walk out]

Carlton:
AND DON'T SHAKE THAT EITHER!

[Ashley ignores Carlton and shakes her butt all the way out of the room]

Kenny (to Ashley):
Baby, I'm telling you. You got more moves than a bowl of Jello and there's always room for Jello.

Ashley:
Wow!

Will:
Dude sounds like a jackass.

Carlton:
Actually, Will, he sounds like you.

Ashley:
So when are we going out?

Kenny:
Oh, I don't know, baby. You have to let me check my book and I'll get back to you. You see, I wanna make sure I can give you my undivided attention.

Carlton:
Actually Will, he's better than you.

Kenny:
I mean look at you. You got it going on. You got sweet hips, lips and finger tips. (a beautiful girl walks by) But baby got back! (to Ashley) Bye, baby. (while running towards the other girl) Whoa! Whoa! Wait a minute!

Carlton:
Look, I know my sister needs me, but that girl is babe-a-licious!

Will:
Carlton, I think you know what you have to do.

Carlton:
I know, but still, I would have like to have been there for Ashley. (runs after the beautiful girl)

Ashley:
Kenny ran after that girl.

Will:
Kenny is a different case.

Ashley:
Carlton ran after the same girl.

Will:
Well, Carlton is a basket case.

(A hot chick just passed by Will)

Will:
Girl. I know your feet must be tired 'cause you been running through my mind all day. Come 'ere!

Will:
I need 30 seconds on the air to talk about why the rec center shouldn't be torn down,and I don't care if I got to force my way on the set to get it.

Patti:
Let me get this straight. You want to storm the set, disrupt a live newscast, and jeopardize the credibility of this station?

Will:
Yes.

Patti:
Will you be needing wardrobe?

Priest:
And if there's anyone here who feels this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

[Will barges in, thinking Carlton is the groom]

Will:
Stop, man! Don't do it! You don't even know if the baby is yours!

Bride:
How did you know I'm havin' a baby?!

Groom:
What?! You havin' a baby?!

Will:
[walks up to the couple; calmly] Whoa. Yo. Hey. Look, my fault, y'all. See, my cousin was supposed to... [to the groom] Hey, congratulations, man. [to the bride] So, you havin' his baby. What a wonderful way to say how much I love you, huh?

Carlton:
[about Cindy] She left me. I got the feeling she didn't wanna live with me.

Will:
What made you think that?

Carlton:
She said she didn't wanna live with me.

Will:
Aw, man. I mean, she can't just walk out on you like that. What if the kid is yours?

Carlton:
He's not.

Will:
Carlton, come on. Just because the baby is cute doesn't mean you're not the father.

Carlton:
I never slept with her. Look, since we're in a church, I feel the need to confess something. Please don't laugh. This is really hard for me to say. I'm a... A... [muffles the last word he says]

Will:
You a German?

Carlton:
No. I'm a virgin.

Will:
What?

Carlton:
I'm a virgin!

Groom:
[sets off for home] It's nice to know somebody still is!

Vivian:
I asked him [Judge Robinson] to pass the salt and he told me to go long.

Philip:
He was just kidding.

Vivian:
Philip, he broke a window!

Will:
If I keep the motorcycle, I'm a pimp. If I give it back, I'm a damn fool. Oh, well, pimp it is!

Carlton:
I always knew Will was gonna be the downfall of this family, but no one ever listens to me.

Vivian:
What, honey? I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.

Philip:
Okay, okay. We can't stay here. We'll freeze to death. Just get all the stuff out of the back seat and we'll... we'll go ahead on foot. Get out of the car.

Will:
But you just...

Philip:
Get out of the damn car!

Carlton:
For a long time it gave me nightmares, having to witness an injustice like that. It was a constant reminder of how unfair this world can be. I can still hear them taunting him. "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids." ...How come they just couldn't give him some cereal?!

Carlton:
(speaking into his tape recorder) Carlton's log. Will has been reduced to a pathetic shell of his former self. I, on the other hand, have the strength of 10 men!

Will:
Will's log...(pulls a tree branch off the ground) is about to connect with Carlton's head!!

Phil:
Will! You were supposed to secure everything to the luggage rack.

Will:
I did! Ohhhhhh wait, this ain't the Volvo!

Trevor:
How dare you. Do you have any idea who I am?

Jazz:
A really bad cook?

Trevor:
I've never been so humiliated in all my life. Blind people recognize me.

Will:
How are we supposed to build a fire, Uncle Phil? It's snowing outside, all the wood's soaking wet.

Carlton:
Then we'll freeze to death! I don't wanna die! I wanna go to college and poke fun at all the kids on financial aid! I wanna see Karate Kid 17!

Philip:
This is a good time for us to band together to show what we're made of.

Will:
Does Bigfoot have to come down here with a chainsaw before you admit we're in trouble!?

(Philip's election video)

Philip:
Hi. I'm Philip Banks, and I'm running for superior court ju-ju-judge. Ju-ju-judge.

(cut to a clip of Philip dancing at the New Year's Eve Party)

Philip:
What the hell is that?!

Vivian:
[amused] That was our New Year's Eve party.

Will:
Oh, oh, Uncle Phil, I just put in a couple of old home movies, you know, to show your human side. It gets better. Check it out.

Philip:
[in video] If you put me on the bench, I'll take a real bite outta crime! Bi-bi-bite! Bi-bi-bite! Bite!

(cut to a clip of Philip eating pizza repeatedly)

Philip:
Vote for Philip Banks! Philip Banks! Philip Banks! Philip Banks!

Will:
(whoops; hoots ala Arsenio Hall) Emmy!

Will:
My next question is for Mr. Banks: Mr. Banks, would you let your nephew come to The Oprah Winfrey Show, or make him fly all the way to Chicago for nothin', sit in the audience, and embarass him in front of his girl -- (looks at camera) Hi, LaTeesha. [looks at Philip again] Huh?

[Philip glares at Will with a perturbed look]

Philip:
My God. Is that Will?

Vivian:
No, Philip, it's Richard Nixon in a Will mask.

Carlton:
No, Mom. I think that's really Will!

Audience Member:
If you ask me your whole damn family is crazy.

Will:
See, brotha, if we was in Philly, it might have to be something, but we're on T.V., and I believe in Martin's philosophy; Non-Violence. So, I'ma chill. I'ma chill.

Audience Member:
And if your mama sent you out there to live with them, then she's crazy too.

Will:
Hey, man, don't nobody talk about my mother, man! (charges towards audience member)

Will:
(to Hilary) For you, Self magazine, Shape magazine, and Sassy magazine. (to Carlton) And for you sir, Elf magazine, Ape magazine, and Sissy magazine.

(Judge Robertson's Funeral)

Man at Funeral:
The jerk sentenced me to 6 months in jail for a crime I didn't commit. I'm just here to make sure he DEAD!

Philip:
Thank you. Anyone else?

Gardener:
Yeah, he hired me to weed his garden. When it came time for him to pay me, he called immigration, on me!

Philip:
Gracias.

Trevor:
Philip, how do you feel after losing to Judge Robertson?

Philip:
Well, once when I was little, I zipped my pants up too fast. Let's just say this brings back memories.

Will:
HELP! HELP! Damn, y'all, I said HELP! Is there a doctor in the parking lot?

Doctor:
I'm a doctor.

Will:
Oh, thank god. Look, doc, I got a lady in here having a baby. Yeah, you just got to go over that car. Oh, yeah, that's cool. Alright... Wait! Yo! Look out! Don't, man! [a crash is heard] Is there a doctor for the doctor?!

Carlton:
Why don't you act like an adult?

Will:
Why don't you look like one?

Philip:
Oh, my God.

Vivian:
What is it? A boy or a girl?

Philip:
This isn't a sonogram. It's a bill for $25,000. This baby's costing me a fortune.

Will:
Congratulations, you're having a Hilary!

Janice:
Frank, honey, I think it's time to change Frank, Jr.

Frank:
Okay, babe. You know what, you look a little tired. Why don't you come and lay down, and I'll rub your feet for a little while.

Janice:
Thanks, baby.

Helen:
That does it, I'm getting me a white man.

(After Hillary correctly guesses a question on Geoffrey's "Brain Storm" tape)

Will:
Hold up, Hold up, Time-out Time-out, flag on the play, traveling, offsides, clipping. What up with this here?

Carlton:
Hillary, how'd you know that?

Hillary:
Easy, Geoffrey's been watching that Brain Storm tape all day.

(After Will and Carlton trick Geoffrey into thinking he won the lottery)

Geoffrey:
Young Ashley, how does a Mercedes sound?

Ashley:
Vroom, vroom?

Geoffrey:
Very clever. I'll get you two.

Hilary:
Vroom, vroom, vroom!

Geoffrey:
Nice try!

Philip:
You did what?! Are you out of your horny, little adolescent minds?

Carlton:
I know I am.

Will:
This is my little brother, Carlton! He knows we can't afford new clothes so he just doesn't grow!

Carlton:
(To Geoffrey) Daddy! I wanna grow!

Geoffrey:
(To people in restaurant) These aren't my children!

Will:
Is it our fault you never married Mom? I know she embarrassed you! She only had one arm! And whenever you two would go to concerts, she'd clap like this (slaps left hand on neck)

[The family comes home and Will is the first to discover the living room is completely empty; Will screams]

Ashley:
What happened in here?

Will:
We was robbed!

Hilary:
Oh, my God! What did they take?!

Will:
Tell me there's a baseball in this case.

Carlton:
It's empty.

Will:
I guess you weren't listening!

Philip:
What baseball?

Will:
(in Hispanic accent) What baseball? Well, baseball sport where man with stick hit ball and run. Sorta like this. (he tries to escape the empty living room, but Philip catches him by the shirt)

(Will speaking to Ashley and Hilary in the kitchen)

Will:
You know, I used to think the only reason to kill a man was self-defense, but I just spent 45 minutes in the Volvo with another reason.

(Carlton then walks into the kitchen dressed and acting like a mime)

Hilary:
What's wrong with him?

Will:
This idiot is taking a mime class.

(Carlton continues his mime act directly towards Will, pulling on a rope)

Will:
Carlton, get... I swear to God, Carlton, get away from me with this. Stop. Stop playing. Carlton, stop or I'll hang you with that rope!

(Carlton mimes himself being hanged by a rope)

Will:
All right, that's it. That's it.

(Will throws Carlton, out the kitchen into the garden and locks the kitchen door)

Will:
I was going to throw him out on the freeway... but you know the old saying: A mime is a terrible thing to waste.

Will:
Carlton, say something to the baby.

Carlton:
Never let Will borrow money... even if he begs and he will.

Will:
(talking into recorder} That's your brother, Carlton. You'll recognize him. He'll be the one at eye level.

(Hilary and Carlton walk into the kitchen)

Will:
(talking into recorder) And here come your two siblings, Dopey and Greedy.

(Will gets sound bites from the family for tape recorder)

Phillip:
I'm eating.

Will:
(talking into recorder) You'll hear that a lot.

Phillip:
You're grounded.

Will:
(talking into recorder) Well, that about sums up Uncle Phil.

Will:
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, Jean Claude Van Damn [Damme], I'm fine!

(Tom Jones shows Carlton what life for his family would be like without him)

Carlton:
What happened? And where's Mom?

Tom:
Well, without you, your family was defenseless against Will. They started to focus on happiness instead of success. You mother ran away with the milk man, your father quit his practice to paint, Ashley does nothing but dance all day and Hilary just does her hair. Well, maybe not everything changed.

Philip:
My dining club is what made me what I am today.

(Will opens his mouth and closes it)

Will:
Nah. Too easy.

Carlton:
Can't I get moved to another room? I have a reputation to maintain, what about when I go into political office?

Nurse:
I'll tell you the same thing I told the last guy who asked me that. Just tell them you didn't inhale.

Will (wearing a tuxedo for the prom, sleeping on the living room couch and talking in his sleep):
I just want to thank Bill and Hillary Clinton, for inviting me to the inauguration.

Carlton:
Will, wake up.

Will:
Yo, man. Go away.

Carlton:
Will, this is the Senior prom. Also known as "Guaranteed Action Night".

Will:
Rack 'em up!

Will (to his prom date, while imitates a police siren):
Whooooooo, somebody call a cop 'cause it got to be illegal to look that good.

Will:
I had basketball practice and school, and this guy gave me these pills to help me stay awake, and then Carlton... all I know is that somebody very close to me could be dead right now, and it'd be all my fault.

Carlton [about his zit]:
Look at my face.

Will:
Man, we're eating.

Carlton:
I have a big zit.

Philip:
Carlton, we're eating.

Vivian:
Wait a minute. Where's Helen?

Vy:
Oh, well, she couldn't come. She had to go to court with Lester.

Vivian:
Well, I thought the divorce was final months ago.

Janice:
That's right. And everything was going so well, until she saw Lester with another woman. And that's when she snatched off the wig.

Vivian:
[gasps] She snatched off the woman's wig?

Janice:
No. Lester's!

[all three sisters laugh]

[everyone in the living room is annoyed by the sound of Vivian's bell]

Will, Philip, Carlton, Hilary, Ashley, Vy, and Janice:
[all scream] STOP WITH THE DAMN BELL!!!!!

Will:
Come on, Uncle Phil. Shamon!

Will:
I'm starving. (dials number on car phone; imitates Tony Montana) Ya, dis is Tony Montana! I just see your billboard on da highway. If you know what's good for you, you bring me large pepperoni with anchovies on it!

Will:
Girl, you look so good, I'd marry your brother just to get in your family.

(At a comedy club's showcase where Will's jokes bomb)

Hilary:
Will's really bombing up there. We should do something.

Carlton:
Good idea. Boo, get off the stage, we want our money back, go back where you came from.

Philip:
Vivian's gonna kill me.

Will:
Calm down, Uncle Phil. You're winning a lot of points with this second marriage thing. I'm sure whatever you did, Aunt Viv will forgive you.

Philip:
I lost the wedding ring.

Will:
I see. Where shall we scatter the ashes?

Mrs. Bassin:
[in the middle of Musical Jeopardy!] The answer is a clef.

Will:
Oh! What is, that thing that Michael Jackson had built into his chin?

Woman:
That's my Jessie, the one with the braids.

Jazz:
That's my Will, the one with the mustache.

Philip:
Since when do you take care of the babies?

Jazz:
Babies? I'm here to take care of Hilary.

[Philip tosses Jazz out again]