The Goodies, Series 7

[the Goodies have been told there's half an hour to go before the end of the world]

Tim:
At least there's time to do the ironing.

[Brings in the ironing board and a basket of laundry]

Tim:
Just think, this is the end of Derby County... and the Muppets!

Graeme:
The Muppets?

Tim:
Yes, when we go, they'll go too, you know... oh, I do hope they don't suffer.

Graeme:
They're not real, you know!

Tim:
Well, of course they're real!

Graeme:
Don't be silly... the Muppets are just dollies!

Tim:
If they're "dollies", how come they can sing and dance and make sophisticated funny remarks?

Graeme:
Look, Kermit the frog is a green sock.

Tim:
[suddenly disturbed] What?

Graeme:
Kermit the frog is a man on his knees with a green sock on his hand!

[to demonstrate, he uses a green sock as a glove puppet and imitates Kermit]

Graeme:
"Hello frog lovers, and welcome to the Muppet Show! I'd like to welcome our very special guest, Miss Piggy. Yay-ay-ay-ay!"

Tim:
Well she has GOT to be real.

Graeme:
Pair of old y-fronts and a mop head.

[He holds up a pair of underpants and a mop head, and speaks like Miss Piggy]

Graeme:
"Hello Kermit, spawn of my heart, frog of my dreams!"

[as Kermit]

Graeme:
"Hi there Miss Piggy, and what can I do for you?" Fozzie Bear is a brown woolly jumper with a hat on!

[Holds up a brown pullover and a hat and speaks like Fozzie]

Graeme:
"Oh boy, funn-y! Oh Kermit, I hope those two old guys don't heckle me!"

[Holds up two sponge balls and imitates Waldorf and Statler]

Graeme:
"Boo boo, the bear's a comedian, the comedian's a bear! Boo, boo!"

[Waves a feather duster in Tim's face and bellows]

Graeme:
"A-NI-MAL!"

Tim:
[Nearly hysterical] No, stop it! Lies! LIES!

Graeme:
[holds up the green sock again and sings] "Halfway up the staircase..."

Tim:
NO!

[runs into the kitchen, screaming]

Graeme:
I released his inhibitions through anger and violence! My work is at an end. I can die a happy man.

[Tim emerges screaming from the kitchen and throws the gas cooker at Graeme]

Graeme:
You shouldn't have hit me with that! You've ruined the cake!