The IT Crowd, Series 2013

Moss:
[Jen enters room] Oh Jen, exciting news! I've just uploaded the second episode of my board game's review show! Care to have a look.

Jen:
[Looking displeased] That was fast. Seems like only yesterday, we had to sit through the last one.

Moss:
[Incredulously] It was three months ago!

Moss:
I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation or something.

Douglas [laughs] Book recommendation? I can't read!

Roy:
[points at coffee] Look at that shit! Look at it! I can't - how am I supposed to drink - it looks like he milked a cow over it!

Roy:
[Angrily] That fella shouldn't be allowed to be a barista!

Jen:
Why not?

Roy:
Because he's too small Jen. He's clearly too small to be a barista!

Jen:
[Looks at Roy and shakes her head]

Roy:
What?

Jen:
You're being a bit of a small-person-racist Roy.

Roy:
[Shakes head] A small-person-racist? That's not a thing.

Roy:
Wait, you record our emails and phone calls?

Douglas:
Alright, dry your eyes Bono. If you've got nothing to hide, you've got nothing to fear.

Douglas:
Alright, I was young once. But if this got out it could deeply damage Reynholm Industries ability to make that product that we make.

Douglas:
What the hell were you thinking? I told you to keep a low profile and you do it again!

Jen:
No, no, no, no, no, it's new footage, Mr Reynholm.

Douglas:
Bum your excuses! Reynholm Industries has a reputation to uphold. We're not News International, for Christ's sake!

Roy:
[Holds bottle of tear liquid suspiciously] What's in here?

Moss:
[Shrugs] Just Tabasco, wasabi, and a bit of tear gas.

Roy:
Those sound like bad things to put in your eyes.

Moss:
It's extremely mild. It's mainly water.

Roy:
[Nods and puts it in his jacket] Okay I'll take it, as a last resort.

Moss:
[Shrugs] As a last resort.

Roy:
In case I find myself out of my emotional depth.

Moss:
There you go.

Roy:
[Begins to walk off] Alright, thanks Moss!

Moss:
Bye!

Roy:
Bye.

Moss:
[Begins to work on something else, then stops] Oh, don't forget to add the water! [But Roy has gone]

Roy:
Small people are not a race. This isn't Game of Thrones!

Roy:
[casually] Hey baby.. Yeah, of course! Yeah, absolutely. OK. Bye-Bye!

Jen:
She left you?

Roy:
She did.

Roy:
Are you wearing women's slacks?

Moss:
Yes I am!

Jen:
See what we can do when we work together? With my business acumen..

Moss:
..And my scientific know how..

Roy:
..And I'm also here..

Jen:
..We can do anything!

All Three:
YEAH [Jump in cliche excitement]

Douglas:
What's your beef with the homeless?

Jen:
I don't have any homeless beef.

Douglas:
Ah, so it's women you hate! Well, that I can understand.

Jen:
I would never throw coffee over a homeless woman.

Roy:
And I would never abuse a small person. Certainly not enough to make a van with tits hit him. [beat] Although, I suppose I sort of did.

Jen:
I sort of did my one too.

Roy:
It's frustrating that we did both of our things.

Jen:
I can't believe she's still with you.

Roy:
Yeah, I suppose. But I'm hanging on by a thread, Jen! I think I'll just get through it as long as nothing else bad happens. [The phone on Roy's desk starts ringing] There's the phone now...

Jon Snow:
As the identities of Coffee Toss Tramp Bitch and Small Person Racist are finally revealed, we at Channel 4 news ask: What the Hell is wrong with people?