The IT Crowd, Series 2

[Jen, Roy, and Moss are looking at a Gay:
A Gay Musical poster]

Roy Trenneman:
A gay musical, called Gay. That's quite gay. Gay musical? Aren't all musicals gay? This must be, like, the gayest musical ever made.

Maurice Moss:
It got some pretty good reviews. [Pan to "The Audience Applauded" - The Evening Informer; "More Than Tolerable" - The London Echo"; "Not As Long As Some Musicals" - The Banner.]

Jen Barber:
"A story of a young man trying to find his sexuality in the uncaring Thatcher years. Warning: Contains scenes of graphic homoeroticism."

Moss:
Oh no! It's set in the 80s!

Roy:
Graphic homoeroticism? [turning to Moss] Does that mean they're going to get them out?

Jen:
You're not comfortable with your sexuality?

Roy:
Oh, I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, I just don't want to be slapped in the face with their sexuality.

[Jen is standing in the lobby at the theatre. Three people in wheelchairs come in. Roy is one of them. He is being pushed by the Theatre Manager]

Theatre Manager:
He's had quite an evening. Someone stole his wheelchair.

Jen:
[shocked] Did you see who it was?

Roy:
Red bearded man.

Jen:
Uh-huh... How long have you been disabled?

Roy:
Ten years?

Jen:
Ten years, and how did it happen? If that's not a rude question.

Roy:
...Acid?

Theatre Manager:
What happened?

Roy:
[meekly] I'm disabled.

Theatre Manager:
How are you disabled?

Roy:
What?

Theatre Manager:
How are you disabled?

Roy:
Uhh, Leg disabled.

Denholm Reynholm:
When I started Reynholm Industries, I had just two things in my possession: a dream and 6 million pounds. Today I have a business empire the like of which the world has never seen the like of which. I hope it doesn't sound arrogant when I say that I am the greatest man in the world!

Moss:
Unbelievable! Some idiot disabled his firewall, meaning all the computers on floor Seven are teeming with viruses, plus I've just had to walk all the way down the motherfudging stairs, because the lifts are broken again!

[Jen comes out of her office, visibly shocked.]

Jen:
[stunned] Oh my God.

Roy:
What?

Jen:
Oh my God.

Roy:
What is it?

Jen:
Denholm's dead!

Moss:
[suddenly remembering] Oh yes-and Denholm's dead!

Derek Pippen:
[talking about Denholm's funeral] You do know we're burying a great man today!

Roy:
[shocked] Did someone else die?

Jen:
There's Denholm's wife...

Moss:
I never know what to say to people at funerals.

Roy:
Me too. I'm terrible.

Jen:
Just say you're sorry and move on. [To Denholm's wife] He'll be in our prayers.

Roy:
[to Denholm's wife] I'm sorry for your loss. Move on.

Moss:
I'm sorry for your loss.

Mrs. Reynholm:
Thank you.

Moss:
It's not like you've lost a pen, is it? It's so much worse. Would you like a pen? I have a spare one.

Mrs. Reynholm:
No thank you.

Moss:
Please take it.

Mrs. Reynholm:
Why are you giving it to me?

Moss:
I don't know. [hands her the pen] Swings and roundabouts.

Narrator:
You wouldn't steal a handbag. You wouldn't steal a car. You wouldn't steal a baby. You wouldn't shoot a policeman. And then steal his helmet. You wouldn't go to the toilet in his helmet. And then send it to the policeman's grieving widow. And then steal it again! Downloading films is stealing. If you do it, you will face the consequences. [FBI team member bursts in behind the girl downloading the film and shoots her; cut to a pool of blood on the keyboard]

Roy:
[sitting with Moss in a dark room] Man, these anti-piracy ads are getting really mean.

Roy:
Yeah, I don't like people.

Jen:
Oh, well now that's not fair Roy. Have you met all of them?

Roy:
I've met enough of them. People; What a bunch of bastards.

Jen:
Oh, Jorg, Jorg, such fire! I am too tired for revolution... And we've walked f*cking miles.

Jen:
Now please, I am here with all my friends, I don't want you to talk like nerds. I want you to be normal. No talking about memory, or RAM.

Moss:
Ha! Memory is RAM!

John:
I don't think that's true.

Jen:
With all due respect John, I am the head of IT and I have it on good authority that if you type "Google" into Google, you can break the Internet. So please, no one try it, even for a joke. [the executives laugh] It's not a laughing matter. You can break the Internet.

Roy:
Is this another one of your inventions?

Moss:
Might be.

Roy:
What was the last one? Oh yes. A ladder, to help moths escape from the bath. How is that useful?!

Moss:
How is that not useful?

Roy:
Moths don't get stuck in baths!

Moss:
Yes. They. Do!

Roy:
Even if that were true, it's just not in their nature to learn how to use a ladder! They have wings! When a moth thinks about travelling vertically upwards, a ladder is just the last thing they would think of! Moss, I don't like to be negative about it, but everything you invent is worthless!

Moss:
Ah! Well, prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame, set at gas mark "egg on your face"! [pause] I sort of forget what I was talking about.

Douglas Reynholm:
I like you, Jen. You don't ask questions. A lot of people would be confused as to why I invited them up here then asked them to leave, not you. A person's got to have a lot of backbone to allow herself to be ordered around like that. You've got spunk and balls, and I like that in a woman.

Douglas:
Oh, not these idiots!

Jen:
Mr Reynholm, the men in the IT department are my friends, they're not idiots. [Moss and Roy walk in without their trousers]

Jerome:
[sees group of disabled men] What...? Oh, I get it. Very funny, you Irish! [laughs; mockingly] "Oh, I'm a bit tired. Can I have a wheelchair too?" Ha ha, HILARIOUS! "Oh, me legs don't work! Help, help! I need a wheelchair!" [goes over to a disable man; tries to pull him off] Come on, come on, get up. Come on, stop messing around! That a go. [tips wheelchair over; disable man falls off]

Douglas:
Where is your God?! Where is your God now?! Here, lies a great man. A great man! FAAAAAATTHHHHEEEEEEERRRRR!!!!!

Douglas:
Speak, priest!

Douglas:
Quiet, woman!

Jen:
If this evening is going to work in any way, you need to pretend to be normal people, yeah? Keep the conversation about things that would interest everybody. You know, nothing about memory, or RAM.

Moss:
Memory is RAM!

Richmond:
Have you got any absinthe?

Jen:
No.

Richmond:
I only drink absinthe.

Jen:
Absinthe, no. Red wine, white wine, Carlsberg...

Richmond:
Oh Carlsberg, perfect.

Roy:
Peter, what's your email address?

Peter:
Oh, it's filepeter@hotmail.com.

Roy:
"filepeter"? Why "filepeter"?

Peter:
Well, File is my second name.

Roy:
Oh, right, I see. Peter File.

Moss:
Who's a paedophile?

Roy:
No no, his name is Peter File.

Moss:
His name is paedophile?

Jen:
[angry] Don't say it like that. It sounds like "paedophile."

Moss:
Isn't that what he just said?

Jen':
No, Peter File.

Moss:
[enunciating] Paedo phile?

Jen:
Peter File!

Richmond:
Who's a paedophile?

Jen:
No one is.

Moss:
[finally understanding] Right. It just sounds like paedophile.

Jen:
No, no, it doesn't!

Moss:
Does a bit. Peter File.

Roy:
Peter File... Yeah, no, it does.

[There are murmurings of agreement from the rest of the table as everyone starts pronouncing it themselves]

Peter:
[exasperated] YES, I SUPPOSE IT DOES!

[silence]

Jen:
I didn't noticed, so...

Peter:
It doesn't bother you, does it?

Jen:
No, of course it doesn't. [leans in for a kiss]

Moss:
They say "pedophile" in America. Maybe you should move to America.

Jen:
[shouting] He's not moving to America!