The IT Crowd, Series 4

[Moss talking about Mysterious Music]

Maurice Moss:
Does this sound mysterious?

Jen Barber:
Yeah, yeah it's quite mysterious.

Moss:
I was hoping for "ruddy mysterious".

Jen:
Mr Reynholm, I don't need to remind you of the report that denounced Reynholm Industries as an institutionally sexist organisation.

Douglas Reynholm:
Now, you hold on a minute, sugar-tits!

Jen:
[regarding a female character in a Dungeons and Dragons game] Look at those fun bags!

[Moss bursts into the office]

Moss:
I did it! I did it! I've been accepted!

Roy Trenneman:
[in disbelief] No!

Jen:
What's going on?

Moss:
I've been accepted! I applied, and they said yes!

Jen:
Who said yes? What are you talking about? Moss... Moss, you're shaking!

[Smash cut to the set of Countdown, with Moss sitting behind a desk]

Moss:
Consonant, please.

Moss:
I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk.

[The 8+ Club are playing Street Countdown]

Harold Tong, aka "Prime":
Eighteen letters, I've never seen so many... he is the One.

Roy:
[incredulously] What are you...

Prime:
Shh! This is the longest word yet on Street Countdown! Unlike normal Countdown, you see-

Roy:
I don't care.

[The 8+ Club finish an acapella version of the Countdown music]

Prime:
Negative One?

Negative One:
Twelve.

Moss:
Sixteen.

Prime:
Your word, Negative One.

Negative One:
Enormousness.

Moss:
I shall give my answer, if I may, in the form of a joke.

Prime:
This is most irregular...

Moss:
What do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room?

Prime:
I don't know, what do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room?

Moss:
Overnumerousness!

Prime:
Gyles?

[Pan to Gyles Brandreth in Dictionary Corner]

Gyles:
Yes, that is a word! And the joke does make sense!

[Douglas is presenting an advert for "Spaceology"]

Douglas:
Space: what is it? The simple answer is, we don't know. Or at least we didn't know until now. Hello, I'm Douglas Reynholm, and I'm not a scientist, but I do have a better understanding of what space is than any scientist living today. Where did I gain these insights? From this man, the founder of Spaceology. Beth Gaga Shaggy - no relation to Lady Gaga or Shaggy - is the founder of Spaceology, a religion, not a cult. In other words, when it comes to space, he's the man with his head screwed on tight. This is what he told me when I met him on holiday two weeks ago.

Beth Gaga Shaggy:
Space is invisible mind dust, and stars are but wishes.

Douglas:
I mean, think about that! That means every star you can see in the night sky is a wish that has come true. And they've come true because of something he calls Spacestar Ordering. Spacestar Ordering is based on the twin scientific principles of star maths and wishy thinking. If you'd like to know more, there are thousands of Spaceology centres all over the UK. If that doesn't convince you, well, then, maybe you just don't deserve to get what you want.

[Camera changes to Roy and Douglas watching the advert on Roy's computer]

Douglas:
Wow. You're a genius, Ray! Love the special effects! How did you do that thing where I'm spinning around?

Roy:
Well, in that bit, you're actually spinning around.

[Roy and Jen are at a Sweet Billy Pilgrim gig]

Roy:
I'm going to go dance at the front.

Jen:
Aren't you a bit old for the front?

Roy:
I'm 31!

Teenager:
Good for you mate!

Jen:
[greeting the Italian guests] Viennetta... Fiat Punto.

Roy:
There was a fire...at a Sea Parks?

Moss:
[trapped inside of claw crane toy vending machine] These toys may smell of wee, come the morn.

[Moss and roy are walking down the street]

Moss:
Oh my gosh

[Moss runs forward and kneels down]

Moss:
Its a robot

[Camera zooms out to show a bomb disposal robot]

Moss:
I've never seen one in the wild before. Where did you come from fella hu where 'd ya come from. Can we keep him Roy only if he doesn't belong to anyone.

[The computer controlling the bomb-disposal robot has crashed]

Moss:
What kind of operating system does it use?

Police:
Err... it's... Vista!

Moss:
We are going to die!

Roy:
Balloons explode, Jen. They explode suddenly, and unexpectedly. They are filled with the capacity to give me a little fright, and I find that unbearable.

Moss:
When I was eleven I broke the patio window and my mother sued me... She's always been a very aggressive litigator.

Douglas:
Two hundred and twelve million quid? You can't be serious!

Solicitor:
Oh, we're quite serious, Mr Reynholm.

Douglas:
But that's enough to bring Reynholm Industries to its knees! Bloody blast, this is up my arse!

Judge:
Mr Reynholm, are you ready to start your cross-examination of Mrs. Reynholm?

Douglas:
I am, your honour, but rest assured, it will a normal examination. I am not in any way cross. [To Victoria Reynholm] You are Victoria Reynholm, are you not?

Judge:
Mr. Reynholm, we have already established that. Might I suggest that you try less to do an impression of a lawyer you once saw on television and make your case as simply as you possibly can.

Douglas:
Wise words, my learned lud.

Douglas:
Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?

Moss:
[Mumbles, nods frenetically]

Douglas:
[In same tone as before] Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?

Moss:
[Nervously lifts a glass of water] Bit nervous, so, yeah, bit of water. [drinks the water, and spits it into his hand] Fizzy, it's very fizzy, it's fizzy, it's gone fizzy. [grabs the microphone and gets a shock] Yow! Come on! That's electric, there's electric in there, got a shock.

Douglas:
[In same tone as before] Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?

Moss:
It is not. Sorry, yeah, sorry, um, my mother sued me.

Judge:
Just relax, take your time and answer the questions as clearly as you can.

Moss:
Thank you, my love.

Douglas:
[In same tone as before] Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?

Moss:
[His chair collapses] The chair's faulty. [lifts the chair back up, but falls off it as he sits down]

Douglas:
No further questions, my lord.

Moss:
It actually already is a word, Tnetennba.

Jeff Stelling:
Good Heavens really? Could you, erm, use it in a sentence for us?

Moss:
Good morning, that's a nice Tnetennba.

[Jen is asking Roy for help with her laptop]

Jen:
Someone told me I need a browser on my computer. Could you install one, please?

Roy:
You don't have a browser on your comput- [notices a chiming noise] What is - what is that sound? Is that coming from your laptop? It's not supposed to sound like... [goes round and sees that Jen's laptop is infested with malware] What the- what's all that crap!? [points to one] How long has that been - I haven't seen that one since the nineties! [goes to pick it up] Oh, Jen, I have to fix this.

Jen:
[grabbing it back] No, no, leave it. I have it how I like it.

Roy:
"How you like it!?" No no no, Jen, it's infected. If this was a human being, I'd shoot it in the face.

[The computer controlling the bomb-disposal robot has crashed]

Moss:
What kind of operating system does it use?

Police:
Err... it's... Vista!

Moss:
We're going to die!

Roy:
[quickly] Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Police:
What?

Roy:
[quickly] Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Police:
...what?

Roy:
[agitated] HAVE YOU TRIED...TURNING IT OFF, AND ON AGAIN?!

Jen:
[shrieks, then turns to the Police] I just won 100 quid.