The King of Queens, Season 6

[Doug and Carrie are canoeing, and Doug is singing while they paddle]

Doug:
...56 bottles of beer- in the boat. 56 bottles of beer. You take one down, pass it around, 55 bottles of beer- in the boat.

[after a long argument between Doug and Carrie while they are still canoeing]

Doug:
Just stop complaining and sing with me! It's fun! (singing same song detailed above, only louder and in a angrier voice) 55 bottles of beer- in the boat! 55 bottles of beer-

Carrie:
Owls don't bite! They wear glasses! They're the nerds of the forest!

[Doug is lost in the woods, but assures himself he will make it out alive. Yells this after jogging to the top of a hill]

Doug:
I will survive!!! I CHOOSE LIFE!!

Doug:
I want that other house!

Carrie:
Doug, we already talked about this! Now we're here to sign papers on this other house--

Doug (angry):
We didn't talk about it! You steamrolled me! And I'm not signing anything until we talk about it for real!

Carrie (annoyed):
Okay, fine, you wanna talk about it? Tell me why we should buy the other house without mentioning "dumb-waiter" and "pork" ! (Doug tries to come up with something, but he can't.)

Doug (in frustration):
You know that's impossible!

Carrie:
Then this conversation is over.

Doug (furious):
Okay, fine, you know what? Let's just go with the house you want, all right? Hey, and you know what? Here's a great idea! You once told me you liked the name Mike, so from now on, my name's Mike! (turns on the beard trimmer) You know what?! I should shave my mustace! (He brings the trimmer to his mustache, but stops, as if he's had another idea.) What the heck, you know what? Why stop at the face, huh? (He yanks his shirt out of his pants and sticks the trimmer under his shirt, making motions as if he's shaving.) How 'bout in here, yeah? Am I hairless enough for you? Smooth Mike, that's what they're gonna call me! (Suddenly, he winces as if he's hit something. High pitched) Nipple!

Doug (lifting up his shirt and rubbing his hairy stomach):
Is this a lot of hair right here, seriously? I mean, people say I'm hairy, but I don't think I'm hairy enough.

Carrie:
Did you lift up your shirt and make them touch your belly hair?!

Doug (feigning shock):
What?!

Carrie (she's not buying it):
Did you?

Doug:
I don't even know what you're sayin'!

Carrie:
Did you lift up your shirt and make Peter and Ellen touch your belly hair?!

Doug (sarcastic):
Yeah, then I threw on a G-string (gyrates) and did a little lap dance, yeah.