The Mighty Boosh, Series 2

Kodiac Jack:
Book? No book will help you when there's a grizzly on the loose. [throws it out the window and knocks out a grizzly bear]

Kodiac Jack:
Listen, boy. Have you ever had your scrotum pulled off by a mountain goat and seen him sell it on eBay a day later?

Howard:
No.

Kodiac Jack:
Have you ever been rohypnolled by a swan and ended up in Cancun?

Howard:
No.

Kodiac Jack:
Have you ever been to a key party with a herd of rhinos?

Howard:
No.

Kodiac Jack:
Well, I have. And it ain't purdy!

Rudi:
Is it so wrong for a man to love a guitar?

Spider:
Yes, it is when he puts his balls inside it and strums himself to ecstasy!

Spider:
This is all like Woodstock all over again. The idea is you play and then you scram! But oh, no, you wouldn't listen, would you? You wanted to hang around, didn't you? And then we got roped into tidying up. Me, you and Carlos Santana, hoovering for six weeks!

Rudi:
Somebody had to clean up that mess.

Spider:
We should have split like The Who. They were off in a shot! I didn't see Roger Daltrey in no flippin' apron. [At the end of the episode Daltrey himself is seen hoovering the set, wearing a pink apron]

Vince:
Goth Juice... the most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.

Vince:
Where could she be? How do we find an old lady?

Howard:
An old Comanche Indian saying; "The best place to hide a leaf is in the forest."

Vince:
You think she's in the forest?

[After asking the Moon for directions]

Saboo:
You see, that is why you do not ask the Moon!

Tony Harrison:
Listen, I took a chance. We asked the Moon, I didn't know he was an alabaster retard, did I?!

Howard:
I don't accessorize. I'm Howard Moon. There's a simple truth to me.

Vince:
Howard? Do you think it's going to be all right?

Howard:
No. We're going to die in the most horrific way known to man.

Vince:
We had some good times though, didn't we?

Howard:
Yeah... Remember the time we had that soup?

Vince:
[Laughs] That was brilliant.

Both:
Soup, soup, a tasty soup, soup, a spicy carrot and coriander.

Vince:
Chili chowder!

Both:
Crouton, crouton, crunchy friends in a liquid broth. I am gazpacho, oh, I am a summer soup, oh! Miso, miso! Fighting in the dojo, miso, miso! Oriental prince in the land of soup!

Vince:
Ah, classic times.

Howard:
Crazy days.

The Hitcher:
Alle-bleeding-luia! I knew it, boy! I had a strange feeling in the pit of me stomach when I woke up this morning. At first I thought it was the crab sticks, but now it all makes sense! The amulet, it's come back at last! When I get that amulet, and get to the Fountain of Youth, I'll rule the Universe, with an army of green bitches, marching and destroying everything in their cockney wake!

[Talking about Old Gregg]

Lucian:
Some say he's half man, half fish. Others say its more of a 70/30 split. Whatever the percentage, he's one fishy bastard.

Colin:
Some say he's a ghost; can't catch what don't exist... Hook goes right through him.

Lucian:
Some say he's acquired the taste of human meat, won't respond to conventional bait; only way to hook him is to use a child's toe.

The Moon:
Some say Old Gregg is like a big fish finger, but big like, umm... like a garage. As big as a garage. Imagine a fish finger as big as a garage! Oooh, it's a big one!

Old Gregg:
What're you doing in my waters?

Howard Moon:
Just taking the air, you know. Not fishing!

Old Gregg:
Then how come there's a hook in my head, fool?

Howard Moon:
It's nothing to do with me, sir.

Old Gregg:
It's attached to your rod, motherlicker!

Howard Moon:
[crying] Don't kill me! I've got so much to give!

Old Gregg:
Want to come to a club where people wee on each other?

Howard Moon:
No!

Howard:
Okay, we've got to pool our resources. Tweezers, matches, twine, geological hammer. What have you got?

Vince:
Kings of Leon CD.

Howard:
Great. Well, that's useless, isn't it?

Vince:
It's not useless, it's a blinding album. Better than their first one, and they came up with it really quickly.

Howard:
Thanks, NME. It's useless to us on a desert island though, isn't it?

Vince:
Well, it does double up as a mirror. [stares at his reflection in the CD]

Howard:
I've actually written a short piece whilst on the island called "Isolation." Perhaps I could play it now?

Vince:
Maybe later, eh?.

Howard:
Yeah, maybe later.

Vince:
Maybe not at all.

Howard:
... Yeah, maybe later.

The Hitcher:
[in coconut form] Roll up, roll up! The coconut shy, everyone's a winner! One euro, that's all I'm asking! Grease my cockney palm, and you can throw balls to your hearts' content! Knock their murdering smiles right off their faces! I wanna see twisted bone and meat all over the back wall by the time I'm finished!

Spider:
You're always trying to turn me into something I'm not, you know? You cannot make milk into cheese!

Rudi:
Yes you can!

Spider:
Aaah, bad example!