The Mindy Project, Season 2

Mindy:
I don't understand why you're a doctor, you could be a model. Anybody can be a doctor.

Paul:
I actually did think about being a model, until I was scouted and then I became a model.

Morgan:
It's interesting, actually, the same thing kinda happened to me--

Mindy:
No it didn't, it didn't.

Jeremy:
The reason I hired Paul is because he's a good doctor. The patients all love him. He was featured on the cover of New York Magazine.

Mindy:
So what?! I was profiled in the New York Post! Remember when I found that thumb in my taco?

Mindy:
Ok, I have no office, I have no patients, I have this horrible short haircut, my name is not Dr. L anymore and I have a UTI from discount whipped cream.

Beverly:
You and me both, sister.

Tom:
No, they seem nice enough, the next thing you know we go home with these girls, then you're married, and then you find a condom in your dog poop. And then you go "whoa, was somebody having sex with my dog?" Then you realize, no!, your wife is having sex with someone and your dog ate the condom!

Paul:
How can you do this?

Mindy:
[leans in and whispers] I ate an entire loaf of bread before I came here tonight.

Paul:
Oh, so you knew we were gonna do this?

Mindy:
Nope! I just do that every night, dawg!

Danny:
I was thinking of doing some traveling.

Mindy:
You hate everywhere.

Peter:
I don't want to say that we are the new unofficial mayors of the Oneida Indian Moon Resort and Casino, because then I'd be repeating what it says on my t-shirt! [reveals t-shirt under labcoat] These things are free! They give them to you when you lose over $5000.

Mindy:
Back off, grandpa.

Danny:
That's not an insult, ok? Grandfathers are the backbone of this country.

Mindy:
You haven't let off Graham since the edamame arrived.

Danny:
They're cold soybeans. They're from Iowa.

Mindy:
I was thinking of getting a tattoo on my wrist that says "breathe"

Danny:
Breathe? That's something you forget to do? Why won't you put "walk" on your feet. You should think about getting "idiot" on your forehead.

Mindy:
I should just spend the night at your place.

Danny:
No, no, no. Call one of your friends!

Mindy:
The only number I have memorized is my Thai place, they're not gonna let me spend the night. Which is so unfair because I know they have mattresses back there.

Morgan:
Oh my God, Dr. L spotted the coffee cake, get out of the way we are bowling pins in her path!

Mindy:
What? I don't want coffee cake, I'm still full from that chia seed I had last night.

Betsy:
Oh no, I made an entire extra cake just for you, [scared] like you demand.

Mindy:
Over the holiday I had five hams and a goose. I am a wolf in a children's story.

Peter:
So you went on a coffee date with a loser. All coffee dates are with losers.

Mindy:
He was just too nice. And I'm too nice and I can't break it off with him- I'm probably gonna marry him.

Peter:
Mindy, the reason you can't break it off with him is not because you're too nice.

Mindy:
Excuse me?

Peter:
I saw you bring a girl to tears because she asked it you were registered to vote.

Mindy:
I have been asked that a million times and the answer's always the same- I DON'T KNOW!

Peter:
Mindy, you deserve someone great, or at least someone kind of rich, or at least someone fun, probably gay.

Mindy:
My kingdom for a gay husband.

Peter:
[Danny walks in his office] What's that I hear, the g-g-g-ghost of someone who's dead to me?!

Danny:
No guys?

Mindy:
Nope.

Danny:
Girls?

Mindy:
I wish! Oh my God, how hot would me and Keira Knightley be? All snuggled up in a log cabin.

Danny:
You think you could pull Keira Knightley?

Mindy:
I could! It would be like Bend It Like Beckham. And I can take a bra off like that [snaps her fingers].

Peter:
Do you know any loose, funky-tooth, British chicks?

Jeremy:
Droves.

Peter:
Okay, I don't know what that word means but, can you set me up with one of them? I am done with American chicks, man. They're all boring and they've all told each other about me online.

Jeremy:
Ugh, fine. Me and some of my Cambridge chumps are playing celebrity tonight, why don't you join.

Peter:
I'm sick at celebrity! Who am I doing now? [nothing about his expression changes]

Jeremy:
[after a moment gasps] Oh my god, Billie Jean King!

Peter:
Exactly. [they high-five]

Danny:
I haven't seen you smile this much since you found out that you're younger than Katie Holmes.

Mindy:
That old bag.

Christina:
What do you think I discovered on your browser history?

Danny:
What's a browser history?

Jeremy:
It's a list of all the sites you visited.

Danny:
Oh no.

Peter:
We got a crydaddy. I'm on it... Here's what we're gonna do. We'll take a deep breath, and we're gonna go from zone to man-to-man, and we're gonna get over there and have a baby.

Cliff:
OK, Mr. Tookers. I'm going to be billing you for the hours I have wasted on this.

Morgan:
I have no money. And I will not pay.

Morgan:
I've been dumped 36 times in my life....I was left at the altar 3 times. Two different women faked their own deaths to get away from me. The point is, you can't force yourself to get over someone. But it'll happen.

Flight Attendant:
Ma'am you're being very disruptive.

Mindy:
You know, I am so tired of people telling me that.

Cliff:
Yana was runner up Miss Universe this year.

Morgan:
Oh, my God! That's how I know you! You were so good in the interview. My favorite hobby is also activities.

Peter:
If a girl doesn't respond to me immediately, that means she's either stuck up, dead, or living in an elevator--all three of which are deal breakers.

Mindy:
Are you kidding me? Look at these wrists! Look at how dainty they are! They can barely lift the enormous calzones I eat!