The Muppet Show, Season 2 (1977-1978)

Statler:
I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!

Waldorf:
What's wrong with it?

Statler:
The seats face the stage!

Zero:
I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!

Sam the Eagle:
I think you know why I am here.

Kermit the Frog:
Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

Statler and Waldorf:
Funny, Funny, FUNNY!

Milton Berle:
Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski & Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...

Statler:
Hey, Berle!

Milton Berle:
What?

Statler:
You know what? I've just figured out your style.

Milton Berle:
Really?

Statler:
You work like Gregory Peck.

Milton Berle:
Gregory Peck's not a comedian.

Statler:
Well?

Milton Berle:
Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.

Waldorf:
How come we got this half?

Milton Berle:
Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?

Statler:
That's right.

Milton Berle:
What's right?

Statler:
We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!

Milton Berle:
Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.

Waldorf:
You first!

Milton Berle:
"Ha, ha, ha", the audience! "Ha, ha, ha"! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.

Statler:
Hey, hey, Berle!

Milton Berle:
Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?

Statler:
You know what you're doing wrong?

Milton Berle:
What'm I doing wrong?

Statler:
You're standing too close to the audience.

Milton Berle:
Oh, yeah? [steps back] How is this?

Statler:
You're still too close.

Milton Berle:
Oh, sorry. [steps back more] Is this okay?

Statler:
No, a little more.

Milton Berle:
How far back do you want me to go?

Statler:
You got a car?

Milton Berle:
Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!

Waldorf:
He can't. He's too busy.

Milton Berle:
Doing what?

Waldorf:
Keeping people in!

Milton Berle:
[to the audience] And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! [to Statler and Waldorf] You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.

Waldorf:
Please, not while I'm holding it.

Milton Berle:
That's very funny.

Waldorf:
Ah, you can use it.

Milton Berle:
I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.

Statler:
Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

Gonzo:
Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?

Milton Berle:
Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. "How's it going?" It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.

Gonzo:
Well, could I help you out?

Milton Berle:
Please, huh?

Gonzo:
Which way did you came in?

Milton Berle:
[grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside] Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!

Kermit:
A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.

Gonzo:
How about a talking frog?

J.P.:
[on the phone] Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.

Sam the Eagle:
[approaches the podium for the announcement] I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! [to somebody] What do I do? [leaves the podium]

Gonzo:
Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?

Fozzie:
I don't know, what's on stage now?

Gonzo:
Nothing.

Fozzie:
NOTHING'S ON STAGE?!

Kermit the Frog:
Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy- [sneezes] ACHOOO!

Fozzie Bear:
Ahh, you blew it, too! It's Nancy Walker!

Kermit:
You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

Kermit the Frog:
[depressing] Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.

Statler:
Maybe we came at last.

Waldorf:
Maybe the show has been cancelled.

Kermit the Frog:
Tonight's show has been cancelled.

[Both Statler and Waldorf were shocked]

Statler:
Have I died and gone to Heaven?

Kermit the Frog:
Well, you see, I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it, but I don't think there will any excitements.

Statler:
[to Kermit, off-screen] Should we stay or Should we go?

Kermit the Frog:
[to Statler and Waldorf] Why don't you two take the night off? [to the entire audience] Well, we might as well bring up the house lights and say good night to everybody.

[The audiences leaves in disappointment]

Kermit:
Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.

Fozzie:
Yeah.

Kermit:
Hey, Scooter, what's next?

Scooter:
Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.

Kermit:
What the hey?

Gonzo:
Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... [sniffs] and she's intelligent... [sniffs] and talented...

Kermit:
I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.

Fleet:
What a headline! Muppet's Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!

Kermit:
Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?

Fleet:
What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppet's Desperate For Publicity!

Kermit:
I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

Miss Piggy:
[after Miss Mousey's number] Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!

Waldorf:
Really? I kind of liked it.

Statler:
Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

Dr. Teeth:
Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?

Floyd:
Minuet in G Major.

Dr. Teeth:
Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.

Link Hogthrob:
At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.

Miss Piggy:
You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.

[Alarm went off on the control deck]

Link Hogthrob:
What does that red light mean?

Dr. Julius Strangepork:
Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....

Miss Piggy:
No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.

Dr. Julius Strangepork:
Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.

Statler:
We're look like members of the rock age!

Waldorf:
We're look more like members of the Stone Age!

[Both laugh]

Floyd Pepper:
Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.

Lou:
Why not, man? The cat is good.

Floyd Pepper:
No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

[Fozzie has fallen off the stage]

Statler:
He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.

Waldorf:
Wrong. He was doing okay until he came on the stage.

Link Hogthrob:
First Mate Miss Piggy.

Fozzie:
Er, yes, sir!

Link Hogthrob:
Did you shave this morning?

Gonzo:
[to the cow] Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

Kermit:
I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.

Jaye P.:
Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

Fozzie:
Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no...the next act couldn't make it, it's been cancelled.

Kermit:
What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry!

Fozzie:
Yeah. I know, yeah...Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...duck hunting season began.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.

Kermit:
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

Gonzo:
Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

Bob Hope:
Are you ready to the song?

The Talking Horse:
Sure, Why not!

Bob Hope:
Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?

The Talking Horse:
Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.

Bob Hope:
[ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette; to the audience] Stereophonic horse! [puts the cassette back into the tape deck]

First Mate Miss Piggy:
All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?

Capt. Link Hogthrob:
Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!

Miss Piggy:
This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!

John Cleese:
I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!

Link:
You can't be a pirate!

John Cleese:
Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

Parrot:
You don't love me any more.

John Cleese:
Of course I love you. I'm working now!

Parrot:
And you're making a lousy job of it.

John Cleese:
[pulling a gun] You wanna be an ex-parrot?

Cloris:
All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!

Kermit the Pig:
Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?

Cloris:
Oh, Kermit, it is you!