The Muppet Show, Season 4 (1979-1980)

Waldorf:
Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.

Statler:
What?

Waldorf:
It ends. [Both laugh]

Scooter:
Oh Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore!

Dudley Moore:
(As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?

Scooter:
Sure, Easy! [Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!]

Statler:
[Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony] How long are we here for?

Waldorf:
Twenty years.

Statler:
If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. [Both laugh]

Statler and Waldorf:
[singing] Why don't they make things funny?

Waldorf:
Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!

Kermit:
Oh, that's too bad. The flu?

Waldorf:
No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)

Kermit:
Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?

Waldorf:
Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.

Kermit:
No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.

[Astoria, a woman who looks exactly like Statler, appears in the box]

Astoria:
I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?

Waldorf:
That's Kermit, dear.

Kermit:
What's your wife's name, Waldorf?

Waldorf:
Astoria!

Beauregard:
Oh, good evening, I'm Beauregard, welcome again to The Muppet Show. And boy, do we have a treat in store, because our guest star tonight is one of your all-time terrific, never-to-miss comedians, the king of nuttiness, Mr. Jonathan Winters! What good news. Well, uh, uh, so much for the good news. I got a sand bag to surprise him. The grand news is I found his old props. That'll surprise him. And tonight is my night to fix Jonathan's act.

Kermit the Frog:
Uh, it's a real honor to introduce our special guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He's a comedy genius, a man of a million characters, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. —

Beauregard:
Allow me. (pushes Kermit away) Grand News. I found his old props and this will surprise him.

Jonathan Winters:
Please! Please. Help me. The gypsy curse is upon us, I tell you.

Beauregard:
Observe. Of course, I can help you.

Jonathan Winters:
(sobs) You can? Oh, thank you, Beauregard, All my props are gone! I'm — I'm ruined! I'm ruined.

Beauregard:
(to Jonathan angrily by slap face) No, you're not! (to the lens) Watch this. (to Jonathan angrily) You mean your props, like this? (shows Jonathan to his Props)

Jonathan Winters:
(saw his props have returned and screams) My props! I thought they were gone and I was ruined and... All my props are back! I'm — I'm back in business! Finally! Oh, (happily in tears) Thank you, Beauregard. My hero. (to Propsy) Propsy, how I missed you.

Beauregard:
I am sure this did hold him and scared him. He named Props Propsy. All his props are back, Returned props, check, now, what's next on my list to fix Jonathan's act? Fozzie's Prop Box for all his props. Perfect. Fozzie's Prop Box, check.

Kermit the Frog:
Oh, good. You're ready. With your props back. Thanks, Beauregard. (goes onstage) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all ready back there now. Uh, here he is, uh, Mr. Jonathan Winters! YAAAYY!

Beauregard:
And now, to scare him away, here they are, The old gypsy lady, Annie Sue, and some gypsy pigs singing their story song "Golden Earrings".

Beauregard:
It's almost time for the closing number. I'll let you know.

Scooter:
Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.

Kermit the Frog:
What now?

Scooter:
I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.

Kermit the Frog:
Mm-hm.

Scooter:
She made a dire prediction!

Gonzo:
A dire prediction? (two chickens faint) I was right.

Kermit the Frog:
So — so, what was the dire prediction?

Scooter:
Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, Jonathan Winters would turn Swedish!

Gonzo:
(gasp!)

Kermit the Frog:
I don't believe it.

Gonzo:
Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, he'll all be... (doing the Mock Swedish Dance) Look at me, I'm dancing.

Kermit the Frog:
Gonzo!

Scooter:
Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Dance Swedish! Soon everyone'll — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

Fozzie:
Scooter! Kermit — listen to Scooter! He — (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

Kermit the Frog:
Fozzie!

Fozzie:
What?

Kermit the Frog:
Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are Swedish.

Fozzie, Scooter and Gonzo:
Nothing terrible? Oh. (muttering) Who?

Kermit the Frog:
The Swedish Chef.

Lew Zealand:
Victory is mine! Stand up and do the Mock Swedish Dance! Yeah! (doing the Mock Swedish Dance)

Beauregard:
Boy, that Old Gypsy Lady gave me a great introduction for the closing number, now that I became his hero, I get to take over from here. (clears his throat) Now let's thank our guest star, the king of nuttiness, Jonathan Winters! YAY!

Jonathan Winters:
Oh, Thank you, Beauregard, my props have came back. I have never so felt alive before, it was a nice Svensky. For me? A crown! Finally! (puts on his crown) Thank you.

Beauregard:
That's it for now. I'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.

Gonzo:
(gasp!) Your majesty!

Kermit:
Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.

Waldorf:
Do you think there's life in outer space?

Statler:
There's certainly none in this theater. [both laugh]

Kermit:
What do you do, Mark?

Mark Hamill:
[imitating Kermit] Oh, uh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay!

Kermit:
Mm-hm. Who do you do? [Mark looks perplexed]

Waldorf:
Well, this has been an evening to remember.

Statler:
Why?

Waldorf:
I forgot. [Both laugh]

Scooter:
Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?

Lynda Carter:
I know, I know, 20 seconds to curtains.

Scooter:
WOW! You can read my mind!

Lynda Carter:
No! I am reading the script.

Scooter:
No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.

Miss Piggy:
Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!

Statler:
How come chickens are getting so big on this show?

Waldorf:
Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

Statler:
I'm going to see my lawyer!

Waldorf:
Why?

Statler:
I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

Fozzie Bear:
[running on-stage] Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! [the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage] Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!

[Waldorf holds up a score card that says "1"]

Statler:
You gave him a one?

Waldorf:
He's never been better.

Narrator:
Is this the end of Pigs in Space?

Audience:
YES!

Narrator:
Then tune in next time for another....

Audience:
NO!

Narrator:
All right, then, don't. See if I care.