The Nanny, Season 6

Niles:
[With a hangover] I had so much to drink at the reception. I had the strangest nightmare that Santa Claus was trying to have his way with me.

[C.C. enters with a hangover dressed in red]

C.C. & Niles:
Oh my God.

C. C.:
We didn't, did we?

Niles:
I'm not sure. Say "Ho ho ho".

C.C.:
No one can ever know that this might possibly have happened.

Niles:
Well, it ain't going on my resume.

Sylvia:
I'm gonna call Morty and tell him to bring my nightgown. I'm sleeping over.

Niles:
Is that really necessary?

Sylvia:
Well, I could sleep in the nude. But there's the boy.

Mr. Sheffield:
Do you think I'm uptight?

Niles:
Nope!

Mr. Sheffield:
I won't fire you.

Niles:
Yup!

Brighton:
Your voice carries.

Fran:
All the way to your bedroom?

Brighton:
To Michigan.

Fran:
You just don't know how to work your father like I do.

Brighton:
No, I don't look as good in a halter top as you do.

Maggie:
Fran, I'm 20 years old. Doesn't Dad know that... you know... I'm active?

Fran:
You doing the bing bing? I love that you feel so comfortable that you want to be totally honest with me so let me be totally honest with you... Get upstairs!! What are you, crazy?! You're never leaving my house again!!

Fran:
How could they be contesting the adoption? On what grounds?

Mr. Sheffield:
They think you're an unfit mother.

Fran:
Unfit?! I'm in the best shape of my life. I know what this is all about. They don't like my people.

Mr. Sheffield:
No, sweetheart, they're not anti-Semitic. They're best friends with the Rothchilds.

Fran:
I meant my mother.

Mr. Sheffield:
You have absolutely nothing to confess. I know everything about you.

Fran:
Everything? Even my age?

Mr. Sheffield:
Actually, that was the one thing even the FBI couldn't verify. The closest they could get was 31.

Fran:
31?.... [Happily] Well, I guess the truth is out.

Maggie:
I am so nervous about my new boyfriend coming over for dinner tonight.

Niles:
Why? Because you have to prepare the chateaubriand, polish the silver and comb the fringe around the area rugs?

Maggie:
No, you do that.

Niles:
Then chill out, girlie.

Maggie:
Because of your support, Michael and I have decided to move in together.

Fran:
Honey, that's fantastic! Are you gonna be needing a nanny? Because I'm gonna be available.

[Catching Maggie in bed with Michael]

Mr. Sheffield:
What the hell do you think you were doing?!

Fran:
Well, I think it's pretty-

Mr. Sheffield:
I know what they were doing! I wanna know why they were doing it!

Fran:
Well, I think-

Mr. Sheffield:
I know why they were doing it!

Fran:
[Reading a pregnancy test manual] It says: "If you're not pregnant, it'll turn pink. If you are pregnant, it will turn blue." As will we all. Oh, honey, this wouldn't have happened if you had just listened to me.

Maggie:
Fran, you said I could do whatever I want in my own house.

Fran:
WHATever, not WHOever!

Maggie:
Fran, I'm so nervous.

Fran:
Sweetie, listen, whatever happens, don't worry. You won't have to go through this by yourself.

Maggie:
I'm so glad I have you.

Fran:
I love you. [Hugs] I don't want to put pressure on you or anything but if for some reason you are pregnant, life is gonna change forever. No husband, no house, no money... and it ain't gonna be a picnic for you either.

Brighton:
Gracie, I'm in so much trouble. I lost Yetta at the movies.

Grace:
How could you lose a person?

Brighton:
I don't know. One second, she's talking to a cardboard cutout of Walter Matthau and the next second she was just gone!

Grace:
Did you ask the other cutouts?

Brighton:
This is serious! There is a woman loose out there who is asking where Chucky's Bride is registered.

Niles:
Do you want to have a baby or not?

Mr. Sheffield:
Well, after thinking about it... Yes, of course I want to have a baby with Fran because I love her.

Niles:
Well, I'd better overhear you telling her this soon, mister, because I'm not getting any younger!

Brighton:
Niles, do you know what Mom and Dad have been up to?

Niles:
Um... They're trying to co-produce a new project.

Grace:
How? Dad's gonna let Fran handle his business?

Niles:
[After a long pause] Eat your eggs.

Whoopi Goldberg:
Excuse me, what are you doing?

Fran:
Oh, Miss Whoopi Goldberg! I'm so sorry, I just... I have to have sex right now!

Whoopi Goldberg:
Now, usually they ask for my autograph.

Fran:
[About her cold] My ears are so blocked I can't even hear myself.

Niles:
Lucky you.

Fran:
This is my first Thanksgiving where I'm eating for two.

Niles:
You know, Sylvia, if you stop now, you can say the same.

Niles:
I'd love to lose more weight but nothing seems to kill my appetite.

Sylvia:
Do what I did. I just looked at myself stark naked-

Niles:
Thank you. That'll kill it.

Sylvia:
Niles, take my coat! I'm going home!

Fran:
Another miracle!

Fran:
Niles, how am I ever going to tell Maxwell that my parents are staying here?

Niles:
Quickly and without the negligee.

Fran:
Maybe I shouldn't tell him at all. How long will it be before he notices?

Niles:
Not long. He'll see her here for breakfast. He'll see her here for lunch. He'll see her here for dinner.

Fran:
So I figure I've got at least 6 months?

C. C.:
I have to call the agency. None of these models they submitted are right for our poster.

Niles:
You know, sir, if you need an attractive photogenic man, on camera I can pass for-

C.C.:
Hume Cronyn?

Mr. Sheffield:
Niles, thank you for your offer but this poster really needs to sell our new show. Someone virile with huge masculinity...

Niles:
[Points to C.C.] Well, there's your man.

Sylvia:
This is so exciting! Grace is applying to the Eastside School for the Gifted. [To Grace] You know, you won't be the first member of the Fine family to attend. Your Aunt Celia spent three years there.

Fran:
Ma, she worked in the lunch room. And she got fired for giving free lunches to a lady who tried to pass herself off as an 8th-grader.

Sylvia:
Meanwhile, with my little pigtails and my little plaid skirt, I was adorable.

Val:
Fran, there has got to be a way to get that money back.

Fran:
How, Val? He already converted the million bucks into francs.

Val:
[Disappointed] Well, once you convert it into hot dogs, it's very hard to trace.

[About Fran's pregnancy]

Dr. Reynolds:
Hearing mommy's voice can be very soothing to the baby.

Fran:
Oh, did you hear that?

Dr. Reynolds:
That's enough! We don't want him to hang himself with the umbilical cord.

Fran:
You know, Miss Babcock, for your information, I just found out: I'm not stupid. I'm sexy.

C. C.:
Nanny Fine, don't sell yourself short. You're both.

Fran:
Well, I am smart enough to know I have just been insulted, and sexy enough not to care.

Maury:
Turn it into a sitcom.

Mr. Sheffield:
Why?

Maury:
'Cause I like funny.

Mr. Sheffield:
Mr. Sherry, my play is an allegory dealing with early man's struggle to survive.

Maury:
So was the Flintstones.

Mr. Sheffield:
You see, Maury, I am a man of the theater and there is such a thing as artistic integrity. And I can't sign this! I have an obligation to...

Maury:
You'd make more money in one season of a sitcom than a ten year run of Cats.

Mr. Sheffield:
Do you have a pen?

Niles:
When [Fran and Sylvia] talk at the same time, the intercom shorts out.

Yetta:
Don't worry, Frannie. Your father's a very good man. Sylvia wouldn't throw that away for some fling.

Mr. Sheffield:
Exactly. Yetta's absolutely right. I'm sure this thing with your mother and her doctor won't last.

Yetta:
My daughter's dating a doctor?! WHOO-HOO!

Grace:
She's rehearsing us until two in the morning!

C. C.:
It's because you stink!

Mr. Sheffield:
C.C., what do you expect when you choose "Antony and Cleopatra" for a grammar school?

C.C.:
How hard is it to play a pushy broad who runs half-naked with too much makeup on? [To Grace] Have you learned nothing from your mother?

Niles:
What is the one thing that separates me from all the successful people in this world?

Fran:
Success?

Fran:
Are you telling me that all those years that you put dishwater in her coffee and changed her lip balm for glue stick and called her a cow, you were flirting?!!

Niles:
What, no good?

Fran:
Niles, why don't you just tell her how you feel?

Niles:
Oh, God, no! Not until I have a successful career, a substantial income, a home.

Fran:
Oh, God...

Niles:
What?

Fran:
She's never gonna know!

[When Maxwell finds the plastic babies in bed with him and Fran]

Fran:
Sweetie, I'm sorry. It's just that they're upset over Niles. They can sense these things.

Mr. Sheffield:
They're rubber and their butts are stamped "Made in Taiwan". What can they sense?

Fran:
That their daddy doesn't love them.

C. C.:
The best years of my life are gone. And they sucked.

[After catching Niles and C.C. in bed]

Mr. Sheffield:
I just don't understand! What happened? Five hours ago, they were at each others throat.

Fran:
Apparently, they decided to move downward.

Mr. Sheffield:
Darling, I've been thinking. There's no way this contract between Yetta and Webber could possibly be valid. I mean, let's fact it, Yetta isn't exactly in her right mind.

Fran:
Sweetie, just because she thinks we're Robbie and Laura Petrie and she's our neighbor, Millie? She's just occasionally confused.

Mr. Sheffield:
Occasionally?

Brighton:
What's all the noise about?

Michael:
I'm marrying your sister. But actually Fran said yes and your grandmother left with the ring on and no one's letting your father talk.

Brighton:
Welcome to the mishpokhe, bro.

Dr. Hamilton:
Mrs. Sheffield, seeing that you had some usually strong Braxton Hicks contractions-it's very common for women over thirty-five under stress-have you been stressed about anything recently?

Fran:
You mean besides the fact that you think I'm over thirty-five?

Mr. Sheffield:
[About Fran and her pregnancy] Ever since she entered her third trimester, her mood swings have been lethal.

Niles:
Oh, I know. It's worse than when Sylvia gave up chocolate. That was the most unbearable hour of my life.

C. C.:
Nanny Fine, I can understand how you cannot trust me with Maxwell. After all, there were years of unrequited love and unfulfilled fantasies and shameless come-ons... but eventually he came to see he didn't have a chance with me.

Fran:
So I'm guessing there's only food left in the mini-bar.

Fran:
I really hope this [exercise] tape brings on my labor though I really can't blame them from wanting to stay in there. I mean, all they do is lie around all day. It's 98 degrees, all you can eat... It's Miami in there.

Maggie:
So, Sylvia, what did you and Morty do on your first anniversary?

Sylvia:
We went to Puerto Rico.

Maggie:
What about you, Yetta?

Yetta:
We fled Poland.

Mr. Sheffield Sweetheart sweetheart i'm dying

fran Oh I'm going, Honey how will i know where the bite is, oh it's ok it's not so bad.

Mr. Sheffield Remember sweetheart don't swallow it could kill you

Fran:
You mean my mother was right?!

Mr. Sheffield Darling please you've kept me waiting for 45 whole minutes, this is torture

Fran:
No sweetie torture is 5 years

Mr. Sheffield I'm his father i know what's best for him

Fran And what am i?

Mr. Sheffield your the Nanny

Fran (Fran gasp) you called me the N word, did you hear that niles?

'w:
niles do you get the house in the settlement?

Fran yea

W:
Niles Every word

Mr. Sheffield:
Sweetheart Sara's parents are going to be here any minute.

Fran:
All right what are you so nervous about, I thought you said they were thrilled when you told them we got married.

Mr. Sheffield:
Well darling I lied

Fran:
what do you mean you didn't tell them. Are you ashamed of me? am i embarrassing to you? Why aren't you answering?

Mr. Sheffield:
Sweetheart your very special, your...your an acquired taste like feta cheese.

Fran:
Your comparing me to smelly Greek Cheese?

Mr. Sheffield:
Sweetheart these are Sara's parents this is a very sensitive situation for them, i mean in their minds you are in fact replacing their daughter so i want to break it to them gently.

Fran:
who compares a wife to cheese?

Mr. sheffield:
Oh forget the cheese your not a cheese your a beautiful, vibrant, sexy, charming woman. Now their gonna be here any minute and i want you to make a good impression so please get out of that robe.

Fran:
all right (Fings open robe, but realizes she's naked and Max and Sara's parents see it). what do you think they'll think of this?

Mr. Sheffield:
(seeing his wife Fran naked) I don't know why don't you ask them (he points towards the door)

Mr. Sheffield:
Well darling i smoothed things over i think when i told them that the naked nanny in my living room was now my naked wife.

Mr. Sheffield:
Assuming means you could be wrong (Max looks at Fran) people were assuming we were having sex when you were my nanny and they were wrong.

Fran:
It's going to pretty difficult for me to tell her she can't do something that well i recently discovered that is is (in a sexy voice) just so amazing.

Mr. Sheffield:
I don't care, (he then realizes the nice comment about his love making) Thank You (to Fran with a smile on his face)

Mr. Sheffield:
Darling i had to come back and finish what you started (talking about her grabbing him and making out with him so he would´nt see Maggie´s pregnancy test), (with a smile on his face) So why don't you open the door and we can freshen up together.

Mr. Sheffield:
Darling what's all this in the middle of the afternoon. Wine, Candles, a sexy negligee. you were expecting me weren't you

Fran:
Well funny you should use the word expecting

Sylvia:
What's happening? When are they going to let us see her?

Mr. Sheffield:
Oh Listen, mom, I'm sure Fran and the Baby are doing just fine

Sylvia:
That's the first time you've called me mom

Mr. Sheffield:
Well you've been more of a mother to me then my own mother ever was

Sylvia:
Well you've certainly seen more of me

Mr. Sheffield:
oh Sweetheart i'm so sorry about what i said

Fran:
Oh Sweetie you can't blame yourself that the way you feel. you don't want to have a baby now i can understand that

Mr. Sheffield:
Well that was before i knew we were having one, Hey i didn't know i wanted another wife until i met you.

Fran:
You know this has always been a fantasy of mine.

Mr. Sheffield:
What to um make love in the snow?

Fran:
No to make love to my ski instructor.

Mr. Sheffield:
Oh Darling you know i'd rather be here with you

Grace:
Daddy you know what i think your problem is. You feel guilty about leaving Fran on Hanukkah.

Mr. Sheffield:
Oh i do not

Grace:
So do

Mr. Sheffield:
Do not

[[W:
Grace Sheffield): So do

Mr. Sheffield:
Do not, Gracie look Fran said she understood this is business and sometimes business has to come first

Mr. Sheffield:
I'm sorry sweetheart i think I'd like to go home

Mr. Sheffield:
See if you can get hold of Fran on the Cell phone would you.

Mr. Sheffield:
Oh darling don't you look beautiful (kisses Fran) Mmm and that perfume i haven't smelled that perfume since the last time you did something wrong. What did you do?

Mr. Sheffield:
Kaitlyn how many times do i have to tell you i'm a married man

Fran:
I'll tell Kaitlyn then I'll kill her

Mr. Sheffield:
Oh Fran Darling what are you doing here?

Fran:
Who's coming that you don't want me to meet?

Mr. Sheffield:
Oh Darling. For Heaven's sake we're married now i don't need to continue to... (he Laughs), Lynn Redgrave

C.C:
Nanny Fine i realize I have to accept the fact that you snagged my boyfriend and are about to breed what should be my babies

Mr.. Sheffield:
C.C

C.C:
My Babies

Mr. Sheffield:
you do realize that's my wife your speaking to.

[When Maxwell finds the plastic babies in bed with him and Fran]

Fran:
Sweetie, I'm sorry. It's just that they're upset over Niles. They can sense these things.

Mr. Sheffield:
They're rubber and their butts are stamped "Made in Taiwan". What can they sense?

Fran:
That their daddy doesn't love them.

Mr. Sheffield:
ME, You're the one who almost melted Frankie on the toaster oven.

Fran:
well I was trying to make you a pita pocket, I need Niles.

Mr. Sheffield:
Darling i know he's your best friend i know how you feel about him.

Fran:
I know it must be hard for you to see Ms. Babbcock go seeing as you both were romantically involved.

Maxwell Sheffield:
we were not.

Fran:
Just Checking

w:
Maxwell Sheffield: darling i don't know maybe this is the best thing for both of them, I mean you and i we made a huge change in our life, maybe they deserve to do the same.

Fran:
oh i know you're right i'm being selfish there a so many things a man like Niles can do out there. Can you think of any?

Mr. Sheffield:
C.C will be alright she can find a position in any organization that needs a, an um. we have to stop them.

Mr. Sheffield:
Yetta will you let everyone know Fran's doing just fine the doctor's in with her right now. Turns out it was a false alarm.

Mr. Sheffield:
Fran

Mr. Sheffield:
She's pregnant

Mr. Sheffield:
Yes well, of course, I'm the father

Mr. Sheffield:
well because i just know that's how. Yetta would you put someone else on the phone, please.

Mr. Sheffield:
You flew 3,000 miles because some silly psychic told you i was about to have an Affair.