The O.C., Season 1

Ryan:
Modern medicine is advancing to the point where the average human life span will be a hundred. But I read this article which said Social Security is supposed to run out by the year 2025, which means people are gonna have to stay in their jobs until they're 80. So I don't wanna commit to anything too soon.

Seth:
Do you want to play Grand Theft Auto? It's pretty cool. You can like, steal cars and... not that that's cool. Or uncool. I don't know... um...

Seth:
Summer's right over there. Look. Oh, stop, wait, don't look don't look. But, I mean you can look, but don't look like you're looking.

Seth:
Oh, wow, I'm sorry. I should really learn to knock. In case there's a threesome going on in the bathroom.

Seth:
You guys really wouldn't hurt me. Because that would be so clichéd. [they pick him up] Oh, I guess you're fans of the cliché.

Marissa:
Who are you?

Ryan:
Whoever you want me to be

Marissa:
Why won't you tell me where we're going? This is pretty far away.

Seth:
Oh, wow - complaining. That's very interesting, considering nobody invited you.

Marissa:
Before I came along you were on a skateboard.

Marissa:
Do you like them? [the music playing on the car's player]

Ryan:
Yeah I guess.

Marissa:
Well, what do you like?

Ryan:
Everything. I don't know, I don't really listen to music.

Seth:
Dude, that's kinda weird.

Ryan:
Why, what do you like?

Marissa:
Oh, right now..? Punk.

Seth:
I'm sorry, Avril Lavigne doesn't count as punk.

Marissa:
Oh yeah? Well what about The Cramps, Stiff Little Fingers, The Clash, Sex Pistols?

Seth:
I listen to the same music as Marissa Cooper? I think I have to kill myself.

Ryan:
I'm not too popular around here. And your boyfriend? A little angry.

Marissa:
Oh, and you're telling me you didn't try to hit him back?

Ryan:
Actually, I hit him first.

Marissa:
Well, hard to believe you're not more popular.

Luke:
Shut up, queer.

Seth:
Well, at least I don't shave my chest.

Luke:
What did you just say?

Seth:
I just said you look good in a sweater vest. It was a compliment.

Ryan:
You know what I like about rich kids? [punches Luke] Nothing.

Sandy:
The minute you were born, I knew that I would never take another easy breath again without knowing that you were safe.

Seth:
So, I'm like asthma?

Summer:
Still hasn't called you back? He was in lockup. Maybe he's into dudes now.

Jimmy:
So, how's your mother?

Seth:
Ahh, just... married.

Seth:
I'm going to visit Ryan. I thought, you know, maybe you'd like to come. I'm sure he'd love to see you.

Marissa:
Uh, what's that, Seth? Did you say you need a ride to a Star Wars convention?

Seth:
Star Wars convention? I'm sorry, her top was off. You couldn't at least have said X-Men for me?

Ryan:
I used to want to be an architect.

Kirsten:
And what do you want to be now?

Ryan:
Seventeen.

Kirsten:
Me, too.

Julie:
He basically called me white trash! He said I was from Riverside!

Jimmy:
Honey, you are from Riverside.

Julie:
It was his tone!

Dawn:
I'm an embarrassment to my son.

Kirsten:
Welcome to my world.

Kirsten:
Seth, we need to talk to Ryan.

Seth:
Okay. If this has to do with the rug, though, I just wanted to tell you that Ryan had nothing to do with it.

Kirsten:
What about the rug?

Seth:
I'm gonna go now.

Marissa:
Oh, well, actually, Summer, Ryan's already been promised to someone else.

Summer:
I can't believe this. You gave him to someone else? Who? Who's pathetic enough not to have a date the day before cotillion?

Anna:
Actually, at this point, that would be you.

Anna:
Wait. Are you the kid from Chino who steals cars and sets people's houses on fire? So you're saying I'm making my debut into society with Newport's most wanted?

Ryan:
Is that gonna be a problem?

Anna:
I can't wait.

Seth:
Wow, you're a really good barbecutionist.

Anna:
Could you be any more pathetic? A lone figure sitting on the floor, wondering if he's gonna be lonely for the rest of his life.

Seth:
Hey, your sensitivity - it's really, uh, nonexistent.

Anna:
You know what your problem is? You're not a man.

Seth:
Again, not appreciating the brutal honesty.

Ryan:
Ever since your parents took me in they've been, like, paying for everything. I can't keep taking their money.

Seth:
They're parents. They work for us.

Ryan:
No, they work for you.

Ryan:
It's kind of a shady neighborhood. It's pretty hardcore up there.

Seth:
Dude, it's Long Beach, not Chechnya.

Seth:
It turns out that I'm quite skilled at getting a date, provided it's not for me.

Seth:
It'd be good to take some me-time... work on the novel. Tonight would make a good chapter.

Jimmy:
You know how long it's been since I had steak? I live with three vegetarians.

Sandy:
You know how long it's been since we had beer in the house? I am so sick of chardonnay and merlot.

Caleb:
Seth! Ah... You're still not a football player.

Seth:
Ha, no, but thank you.

Kirsten:
Maybe you guys can make peace this weekend.

Sandy:
Okay. Oh, no, no wait. I can't. I'm still Jewish. Just gettin' it out of my system. I promise.

Kirsten:
I wonder what his new girlfriend's like.

Sandy:
I am sure she is very well paid. I am on fire.

Gabrielle:
I'm being sarcastic.

Seth:
Ah... Yes, we don't get a lot of that around here.

Gabrielle:
Fifth grade? Okay, she needs to change that. She's known that guy since he's been eating paste.

Seth:
I think he still does.

Caleb:
You have a quick wit, Seth. Amazing you're not better at skirt-chasing.

Seth:
If by "skirts" you mean girls in your outdated cowboy-speak, I have a little news for you. Turns out somebody has a date to your party. And it's not a big deal or anything, but if you must know, Summer asked me.

Sandy:
Summer. Wow. Summer's hot.

Seth:
You did not just say that.

Seth:
What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico.

Ryan:
What happens in Mexico?

Seth:
I don't know, because it stays there. That's why we must go!

Seth:
Comicon is basically a bunch of pathetic virgins ogling some porn star dressed as Catwoman.

Ryan:
I thought you said you went every year.

Seth:
I'm going 70 in a 65 zone.

Summer:
80 is the new 70.

Seth:
What? Who talks like that?

Summer:
Who gets passed by a van full of nuns? Oh, wait, Cohen does!

Seth:
Well they have God on their side, Summer, okay. I'm not gonna beat Jesus.

Summer:
I'm gonna call Holly and see how far ahead of us they are. And she's a girl!

Seth:
That's insulting to your own gender.

Summer:
Not as insulting as it is to you.

Summer:
What're you doing?

Seth:
Almost watching TV. This is either SpongeBob SquarePants or JAG.

Seth:
You ate my toast, Summer.

Summer:
I like crusts, Seth.

Seth:
Face it. Our chemistry is undeniable.

Summer:
You know what else is undeniable?

Seth:
What?

Summer:
The pain this fork is gonna cause when I jam it into your eye. I suffer from rage blackouts.

Ryan:
You guys have tennis courts and a swimming pool?

Seth:
I'm guessing you didn't at your old school.

Ryan:
Well, we had a basketball hoop.

Seth:
We gotta get your photo taken for your school ID.

Ryan:
Another mugshot?

Seth:
If you must be so cynical.

Seth:
Not now, Mom. I'm studying naked.

Summer:
Eww.

Seth:
Summer?

Summer:
What kind of family do you have, Cohen?

Seth:
The kind where mothers and sons always wear clothing. Even in the shower.

Sandy:
If you can't tell your dad, who can you tell?

Seth:
Gee, I don't know. Ryan, Mom, that tree over there.

Sandy:
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.

Seth:
When are you leaving?

Seth:
God! Dad, those eyebrows are out of control.

Sandy:
It's a sign of power, you know.

Seth:
Well, then you must be the most powerful man in the world.

Sandy:
Well, brace yourself, son. It's genetic.

Kirsten:
Doesn't Seth look rad?

Sandy:
Oh, you do look rad. Mad props, son.

Seth:
Every year some big water polo player ends up peeing in one of my shoes... Nah, I'm just kidding. He pees in both of them.

Seth:
The master race has been perfected, Ryan, and they all go to our school.

Anna:
Oh, so insulting him counts as conversation?

Seth:
Oh, well. If it doesn't, we've never spoken.

Summer:
Sailing is, like, so not the fastest way to get anywhere.

Seth:
Oh, I get it. I'm just here for the comic relief.

Seth:
So when you lost your virginity, I was playing Magic the Gathering.

Ryan:
You still play Magic.

Seth:
Yeah, but not as much.

Seth:
Summer, can I walk you to class?

Summer:
I can walk myself.

Seth:
Great, then you can walk me, too.

Seth:
You and Julie Cooper trapped on a boat, huh?

Ryan:
Yeah.

Seth:
Can't wait to see how that one goes.

Ryan:
I don't really have a choice, since she's my girlfriend.

Seth:
What? Girlfriend? I thought that you didn't do girlfriends. I mean you did 'em, but you know what I'm saying.

Seth:
What? It's Anna. I could have said "pop a squat" in front of her if I wanted to.

Ryan:
Sometimes I think you talk just to make sounds.

Seth:
Sometimes I do.

Summer:
I do not like Seth Cohen. I mean, I can't like Seth Cohen. He's, like, Seth Cohen!

Sandy:
Sorry, but the boys and I made a pact.

Kirsten:
A pact?

Sandy:
A solemn promise.

Kirsten:
When?

Sandy:
You were in the bathroom.

Theresa:
Mom, don't ask her to cook. [to Marissa] I'm sure she has maids for that.

Seth:
Nothing says Thanksgiving like Moo Shu Pork.

Seth:
Ryan, that's extremely minty of you. I didn't even know they had musicals in Chino. I didn't even know they had dancing, or... laughter.

Ryan:
That's because no one who lived there is as funny as you.

Seth:
So, we finally agree I'm the funny one. Well, look at that! Looks like we all learned some valuable lessons this Thanksgiving.

Seth:
Do you know what I dream about when I dream about Thanksgiving, which is a lot? I dream that I eat so much deliciousness that all the blood rushes to my stomach and I pass out right at the table. Please do not deny me that.

Ryan:
Whoa, now that's just weird.

Ryan:
Maybe you've got the Summer flu.

Seth:
I dunno. It's possible.

Ryan:
Maybe you need some Annabiotics.

Sandy:
And you're going to yogalates.

Kirsten:
You just like saying that.

Sandy:
Yogalates? Yeah, I kinda do. Yogalates?

Ryan:
Yogalates.

Seth:
You and Luke? Holy unholy alliances!

Luke:
What are you looking at, queer?

Seth:
Somebody writing you new material? [Luke lunges at him] All right. Go with what works.

Ryan:
It's been months and I'm still the kid from Chino that burned a house down.

Marissa:
And I'm still the girl who tried to kill herself in Mexico.

Seth:
And I'm still the... I'm still Seth Cohen.

Luke:
Oh, this is gonna suck.

Seth:
Yep. Welcome to my world.

Seth:
So, what's it gonna be, huh? You want your menorah or a candy cane? Christmas or Hanukkah?

Ryan:
Uh...

Seth:
Don't worry about it, buddy, because in this house, you don't have to choose. Allow me to introduce you to a little something I like to call... Chrismukkah.

Seth:
Oy humbug.

Seth:
You'll see. You'll see too. You'll all see.

Ryan:
You're really starting to scare me.

Seth:
I'm okay with that.

Ryan:
You'd better pray for a Chrimukkah miracle.

Seth:
I've got Jesus and Moses on my side, man.

Seth:
How was the mall?

Ryan:
Eh... Weird.

Seth:
Yes. You've really painted a picture for me. I feel like I was there.

Seth:
Separate seats, you guys. There's no sex in the Champagne Room.

Sandy:
I have two guesses. Either she's run out of money, or... she's run out of money.

Hailey:
You guys are, like... married.

Kirsten:
Yeah, that was the idea. When we had our wedding.

Hailey:
No, I mean... deeply, deeply married.

Seth:
Okay, that's a lot of genitalia in my pool.

Sandy:
Sandy Cohen. Pleasure swinging with you.

Ryan:
All her friends want to kick her ass. Sorry about the language.

Sandy:
Why? I want to kick her ass.

Marissa:
Have we become one of those couples?

Ryan:
Who lose all their friends?

Marissa:
And can't do anything without each other?

Ryan:
I don't think so. You think so?

Marissa:
I gotta go.

Ryan:
Yeah. And I've got the...

Marissa:
Walk me?

Ryan:
I'll walk you.

Luke:
New year's resolution: punch people less.

Ryan:
I have the same one.

Seth:
Dude, I cannot believe you live in the penthouse, man. This place is ridonculous.

Marissa:
Yeah, it's always been my fantasy to live in a hotel. Like Eloise.

Sandy:
So, at this concert tonight, anyone there going to be doing drugs?

Seth:
I hope so. Otherwise it's a lame-ass concert.

Sandy:
Anyone named Seth gonna be doing any drugs?

Ryan:
I don't play golf.

Seth:
Not true, buddy! You just don't play well.

Kirsten:
[offering Hailey a muffin] Pumpkin muffin?

Sandy:
Yes, darling?

Jimmy:
Like you said, I can start over, have a new life. I never really wanted to be a financial planner... or a thief.

Kirsten:
She looks good. Her spirits are high.

Caleb:
She's high?

Kirsten:
No, her spirit. Her mood. She's up.

Caleb:
So, she's on uppers?

Hailey:
Julie, your hair.

Julie:
Hailey, you're here.

Seth:
There should be a channel on television, I think, of us watching television.

Anna:
We're that good.

Summer:
Yeah, you are. You're so that good. You're whole witty-banter thing is so cute, you guys. You guys are like brother and sister. Yeah, you guys could totally be related.

Kirsten:
"Aspirational"? Is that even a word?

Sandy:
You think you can mess up so bad, we'll give up on you? You can't.

Sandy:
Hey. How are you? I'm Sandy.

Danny:
Why don't you take a shower?

Sandy:
Pardon me?

Danny:
Just kidding, I like you dirty.

Seth:
She said that about me? That she thinks I'm the funniest guy ever?

Danny:
Yes. You and some dude named Captain Oats. Who the hell is Captain Oats?

Seth:
I know Jon Stewart's no Leno, but, you know...

Julie:
As the Newport Group's new Design Director, I've decided to give the office a much-needed facelift. Now wait till you see your furniture, Kiki. It's very fresh, very Danish, very "hello"!

Julie:
Hey, you guys wanna join us? We're celebrating my new position.

Sandy:
Ohhh, I'm not gonna touch that one.

Oliver:
She's not talking to Ryan right now.

Luke:
Is she still talking to me, or are you doing all of her talking from now on?

Sandy:
Hello, ladies!... Seth...

Seth:
Dad, don't call me a lady.

Seth:
It's a good story, Ryan. It's the story of two young men who could not be more different, but eventually they learn to overcome their differences and team up, kind of like brothers. Not entirely unlike you and me. Except that I blew it.

Sandy:
I can't go to the Valentines Singles Dance Gala Dance Singles thingy....

Kirsten:
No. I forbid it.

Sandy:
You what?

Kirsten:
With whatever wifely authority I have vested in me on this most holy and romantic of days, no.

Sandy:
It's only a holiday. It's not even a real holiday.

Kirsten:
Not this again. Not on an empty stomach.

Sandy:
How about Arbor Day? Trees? That's a good cause. Or Secretary's Day? Or how about our anniversary?

Kirsten:
Which we might not make it to.

Kirsten:
You're going. Sandy, this is important to me.

Sandy:
You know, there are a lot of things that are important to me that you don't do.

Kirsten:
Like what?

Sandy:
Like golfing. Lots of couples golf together.

Kirsten:
Shortly before dying of old age.

Sandy:
Surfing. How many times have I tried to get you in the ocean?

Kirsten:
With the fish? Uh!

Sandy:
And still I'm patient. I'm forgiving.

Kirsten:
You're joking?

Sandy:
I patiently put up with your father.

Kirsten:
You're eligible for sainthood any day now.

Summer:
I'm busy. Studying. Naked.

Seth:
[outside the door] Is that supposed to keep me away?

Summer:
Cohen? You're at my house!

Seth:
And you're dressed. I wonder who's more disappointed.

Seth:
Okay, listen. Summer, it's not like now that me and Anna broke up I'm now choosing you. Okay? Because the whole reason that we broke up is because for me it's always been you, Summer. It's always been you. I've tried to fight it and I've tried to deny it. And I can't do it. I can't. You're undeniable.

Seth:
Just need to talk to you. Girl stuff.

Sandy:
Well, you've come to the master. [Kirsten snickers] Hey, I got you.

Kirsten:
I was young, impressionable and drunk.

Seth:
Only child... Right here.

Summer:
The other night, when we... had sex... you weren't the only virgin in the room.

Seth:
There was someone else in the room? Like, filming us?

Summer:
Me, jackass.

Luke:
Whenever we played Ultimatum...

Julie:
Ultimatum?

Luke:
You know, who... of... all your friends' moms would you rather... do?

Julie:
That's a game?

Luke:
: And whenever we played it, you always won.

Julie:
Really? I beat Kirsten?

Seth:
Brad, dude, I didn't recognize you out of a Speedo... Not that I would recognize you in the Speedo, but...

Seth:
How was Pittsburgh?

Anna:
It was good to be home.

Seth:
Yeah. Pittsburgh's also the home of Andy Warhol, Mr. Rogers and ketchup. You can't compete with that.

Kirsten:
He's a consultant.

Sandy:
Could you be please be a little more vague?

Kirsten:
He knows people.

Sandy:
You did it. That was a little more vague.

Seth:
I'm sorry, Summer. I need to take a stand. Okay, this whole separation of the public and private spheres is not working for me. I can't do it.

Summer:
But I told you how-

Seth:
One day, you know, you might have some MTV-driven radio hits and a little moderately priced teen clothing line. I could get offered $20 million to portray a blind superhero in a red leather unitard. But until the, as long as we're complete faceless nobodies living in obscurity... I can't acknowledge you privately if you're not gonna acknowledge me publicly. So, let me know when you're ready to come to the bargaining table. But until then, you just consider me on strike.

Summer:
Well you'll be crossing your own picket line in no time.

Seth:
Fight the power.

Sandy:
You did musicals? I did a musical or two myself in college.

Kirsten:
Oh, someone please stop him before he starts singing "Greased Lightning."

Seth:
Do it, Dad! Travolta's your bitch!

Summer:
My Dad says chins are the new nose.

Anna:
So did Picasso.

Summer:
Really? What hospital does he work for? Kidding! I'm not that dumb, just shallow!

Sandy:
Do you want to know what I think?

Ryan:
You're going to tell me either way, right?

Sandy:
Like my own son.

Seth:
The ink's all smudged, I can't even read it! Is that a "v" or a "q"? Here, look, right there. First sentence says "I love you," but what is that word right there? "Azerbaijan"? "Aztecs"?

Summer:
Aspirin.

Seth:
You think it says "aspirin"?

Summer:
No, you're giving me a headache.

Seth:
Okay. "Coincidence"? "Confucius"? What is the "c" word?

Summer:
Confusing?

Seth:
You think it says "confusing"?

Summer:
No! You're confusing me.

Seth:
My Jew-fro is frizzing out. I look like Screech.

Seth:
What if the girl I'm supposed to be with just went back to Pittsburgh?

Ryan:
What if she went back to Chino?

Seth:
Why would Anna go to Chino? Kidding, come on.

Ryan:
Nice one. Well, at least we still have each other.

Seth:
Actually, I have Summer now. But I'll put a little Seth/Ryan time on the books. That's quality time.

Ryan:
Thanks, buddy. I could always hang out with Luke. What do you think he's doing right now?

Seth:
Discovering fire? Hunting and gathering? Shaving his chest with a buck knife? You guys could do that together.

Ryan:
I do do that.

Seth:
Listen, man, this is a good time for you, okay, Ryan Atwood. This is clean-slate Ryan. Finally you have no women to protect from violent goateed factory workers or pill-popping manic depressives.

Ryan:
I guess you're right, I guess I really do have a clean slate.

Seth:
You do! Dude, since day one of you getting here it has been nothing but lady drama with you: Marissa, Theresa, Luke, Oliver, Eddie... dude, I'm getting exhausted just thinking about it.

Ryan:
I am kinda tired.

Seth:
You should be! And you know what, you're gonna get a break, 'cause you deserve it. I think I'm going to declare this month... Angst-Free Ryan Month.

Ryan:
Month? You think it's going to last a month?

Seth:
Angst-Free Ryan Week. With an option for an additional week if you like it.

Ryan:
Okay! Thanks, bud.

Seth:
Maybe they're not having sex. Maybe they just go to a motel to spoon and watch Charlie Rose.

Ryan:
Is that Grady? He's kind of like you.

Seth:
What? Handsome and charming?

Ryan:
No. Geeky and sarcastic.

Caleb:
Look, I know when I'm not wanted.

Sandy:
And yet you're always at our house!

Seth:
Right on. I'm hoping for a little Natalie Portman, Keira Knightley, maybe Kate Bosworth myself. [Summer hits him] Ow! What? It's okay for you to pine over Legolas?

Summer:
Yeah, he's an elf. He saved Middle-Earth. That is a huge part of European history.

Seth:
So what's the GP, RA?

Ryan:
I have no idea what you just said.

Seth:
Game plan, Ryan Atwood.

Ryan:
You're just using initials now?

Seth:
Yeah. They save time.

Ryan:
Well, not if you have to translate.

Seth:
GP.

Ryan:
Game Plan?

Seth:
Good Point.

Seth:
Mom, Hailey made three different kinds of pancakes and waffles. They're deliciously redundant.

Summer:
I'm gonna study this thing so hard I'm even gonna out-Jew you. [opens the Haggadah]

Seth:
You're reading it backwards.

Sandy:
Oh, c'mon, Ma. It's Ryan's first Seder.

Seth:
How do you know that? Don't assume that. They have Jews in Chino. Why do you think they want a P.F. Chang's?

Ryan:
[to Marissa] Yeah, but what about your Dad? Kaitlin? Summer? What about me? What am I supposed to do without you? I mean, I'd get over you eventually, but it'd take a while.

Summer:
How can you live like this? Your t-shirts are touching your sweaters.

Summer:
You don't like hardware stores and you cry during chick flicks. Next thing you're gonna tell me, you walk in on Ryan changing.

Seth:
Hey... that's crazy. Let's go to the hardware store.

Summer:
You were in the comic book club?

Seth:
Yeah. I was the president and only member.

Summer:
Was I really mean to you?

Seth:
No, that would have required you to speak to me. Or anyone to speak to me.

Summer:
You have to find the stud.

Seth:
You mean like you did, Summer?

Summer:
Just get me the stud-finder?

Seth:
Oh, Summer. I think you are the stud-finder.

Summer:
You see this hammer in my hand?

Seth:
Yeah, I'm gonna find that stud-finder. What does it look like?

Summer:
And the level.

Seth:
What is a level?

Summer:
Don't you know what a level is?

Seth:
Yeah, it's something that you advance to in a video game.

Summer:
That's funny. The tool doesn't know about tools.

Caleb:
You know what they say, one man's misfortune is another man's fortune.

Jimmy:
Who says that?

Caleb:
[smiling] I do.

Jimmy:
I've never seen him smile before.

Sandy:
I didn't know he had teeth.

Julie:
My wedding planner is a passive-aggressive nitwit who has the audacity to question my taste in music. Bob Seger is not "so over."

Summer:
Mostly we talk about me.

Seth:
You?

Summer:
Yeah, you know. It's like our common interest.

Seth:
What would you say, in your professional surgical opinion, Summer has more of? Vim or vigor?

Caleb:
Believe it or not, I've got a past too. Not involving monster trucks per se.

Kirsten:
I am never throwing another party again.

Sandy:
Oh, honey, don't tease.

Seth:
Do I force a confrontation or do I just continue to be whiny and passive-aggressive until she realizes what a catch I am?

Theresa:
I can't impose on Seth's parents forever.

Seth:
Sure you can. I intend to.

Julie:
Just one little stripper... who never hurt anyone... Who's just trying to make his way in the world... naked.

Seth:
What are we we do, man? I don't want to get thrown out of the hotel. I love the hotel. I wanna marry the hotel and have little gambling-addicted alcoholic kids with it.

Summer:
Get away from him, whore!

Seth:
Hey hey hey! She's not a whore. She goes to UNLV.

Summer:
Oh, I'm sorry. Skank.

Hayley:
You see, Jeffrey here might be a stripper, but honey, you're a whore.

Kirsten:
Is everything okay?

Ryan:
Yeah, it's fine.

Theresa:
I'm pregnant.

Seth:
Well, except for that.

Sandy:
Are you going somewhere?

Caleb:
Like, say, San Quentin?

Marissa:
Feels like we're constantly being punished for something. And mom just keeps on ticking.

Jimmy:
Hey. Your mom has to wake up every morning and be Julie Cooper. That is punishment enough.

Kirsten:
I have my secret recipe: takeout.

Marissa:
I think we should spend this whole summer just being normal.

Ryan:
We're not gonna hold Seth to that, are we?

Marissa:
No. That would be impossible.

Julie:
Oh, classy choice, Jimmy, although it's pretty obvious that you're with her because you can't be with Kirsten. You know, I think in psychology that's called transference.

Jimmy:
Oh, and you marrying Caleb, I think in psychology that's called shameless gold-digging.

Sandy:
It's gonna be ok.

Ryan:
[scoffs, sarcastically] My mom ditched me, I burned your wife's house down, how is this gonna "be ok"?

Sandy:
Wow! You're all set up for your Newpsie convention! Hey, when do these vultures land?

Kirsten:
Soon, and I'm sure that I have a doily out of place somewhere.

Sandy:
Good. Gives them something to talk about.

Sandy:
Well, I should be off. Gotta find the next kid to jeopardize the community. Maybe a Black kid, or an Asian kid. Bye ladies!

Ryan:
What do you do exactly? Real estate or construction?

Seth:
Dude, don't ask.

Kirsten:
I tried to explain it to Seth once and he fell asleep halfway through.

Seth:
[sheepishly] Ok...but..uh...yeah, it's pretty much true. [Kirsten smirks]

Ryan:
[to Kirsten] Try me.

[Seth groans and leaves]

Seth:
[to Ryan] Dude, you're a Cohen now. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.

Sandy:
Are we worried your dad won't love us if we don't feed him enough?

Caleb:
Speak of the devil and the devil, he doth appear.

[Seth and Ryan are in the Jacuzzi staring at a bikini-clad Gabrielle who is in the main pool]

Seth:
Is it twisted if I find my potential grandma really hot?

Ryan:
Not when she looks like that.

Gabrielle:
You must think it's weird, me with an older guy.

Ryan:
I live in a pool house.

Sandy:
You walked in on them? Ryan and Marissa Cooper. Didn't I tell ya?

Kirsten:
[unamused] No.

Kirsten:
[sarcastically, to Caleb] You are the official sponsor of the "Julie Cooper Comeback Tour"?

Marissa:
Hey, how goes it with Chip?

Summer:
Well, he's surprised that the ocean is big! Smoke another beer, Chip.

Marissa:
Wow, someone is in a good mood.

[Seth and Anna are observing a woman with breast implants and her husband]

Seth:
Oh goodness, look at that piece right there. Get a northeasterly breeze, that toupée's gonna go overboard.

Anna:
Good thing his wife has surgically enhanced flotation devices because then she can jump in after him.

Chip:
Wow, check it out. It's like totally dark but totally visual.

Summer:
[annoyed] Yeah. Not understanding a word you're saying. Finish 'shrooming. I'm gonna go get a drink.

Sandy:
[opens door to see Julie and Caleb at the doorstep] Ah, the gruesome twosome.

Kirsten:
That means "Happy Thanksgiving" in Sandy.

[Rachel, Julie, Caleb and Jimmy are on the sofa watching football while Sandy and Kirsten are in the kitchen looking on.]

Sandy:
You know, we've been trying to get him [Caleb] to come to Thanksgiving for years.

Kirsten:
[bitterly] The only reason why he is here is because his food didn't show up and the game is on.

Anna:
Summer!?

Summer:
Anna!?

[both look at Seth] Seth!?

Julie:
[about Caleb] Can I ask you a question? Do you like that he calls you Kiki?

Kirsten:
Hate it.

Julie:
'Cause he kept calling me "Juju", like that candy that gets stuck in your teeth.

Marissa:
I love you [Ryan]

Ryan:
Thank you

Marissa:
Uhm, you're welcome.

Sandy:
She's eating us out of house and home.

Kirsten:
Sandy, it's just a bagel.

Sandy:
No, no, no. It's never just a bagel!

Seth:
Mom. As someone who's basically been a shut-in for the last 17 years I can pretty much say with great authority that the woman never leaves the house.

Kirsten:
It's because she's got nowhere else to go.

Ryan:
It's because all her friends want to kick her ass. [looks at Sandy] Sorry about the language.

Sandy:
Why? I'd like to kick her ass.

Sandy:
What are we fighting about?

Kirsten:
I am not sure but it's serious!

Seth:
I did it, look.

Summer:
Wow! You hit a nail. Fabulous you're bitch, Cohen.

Marissa:
I wanna kill him [Caleb]...of course, then I'd have to go to jail but it'll be better than moving in with him and my mom.

Julie:
I don't want Chippendales. I want strippers, full-on, full-frontal male strippers. Preferably at a place that serves bottomless margaritas.

Kirsten:
Or, I could invite the girls over and I could throw you a lovely catered bachelorette cocktail party.

Julie:
With strippers.

[...]

Julie:
[pleads] Just one little stripper... who never hurt anyone... Who's just trying to make his way in the world... naked.

Kirsten:
One little stripper.

Julie:
Yes! You're the best! [Kirsten walks away] But no Chippendales. And not little!

Sandy:
[after seeing Jimmy punch Caleb] Jimmy, what are you doing? You beat me to the punch.

The Countdown [1.14]:
Silence